amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

green1706 · 09-22-2009, 05:45 AM

What is the ideal relationship between parents and children? This relationship should be more severe, parents imposing their terms automatically, or should it be a friendship? In the latter case, if the child benefit from parents' indulgence and do something stupid? I know that the situation varies from case to case, but I speak in general. My husband and I get ready to be parents again, we want to adopt for the first time, and therefore we want more opinions. So, what do you think?

Barb · 09-22-2009, 12:21 PM

Well heres my answer -

The ideal parent and child relationship is/ should be in my humble opinion based on mutual respect, understanding, building attachment (hence my belonging to an attached parenting board like amitys), unconditional love and acceptance.

I believe in gentle parenting and discipline. I do not believe a parent is their childs friend. I can say that because my oldest is turning 20 and is a parent now herself, our relationship has become more of a friendship, tho she still lives in my home and still benefits from my parenting.

Parenting to me is so multilevel I'm not sure how to really answer your question. There is a fine line between discipline with natural consequences and strict expectation that your child will blindly do as they are told. I honestly do not want my children to ever fear me, or do as they're told completely without question - what if I or someone else demands they do something they believe is wrong? They need to learn to question what they don't understand yet know that when mama says don't touch the stove, theres a method to my madness ya know?

I do not believe I am my 6 year old sons friend. I am his mother. I make sure that he is dressed, fed, brushed, that he learned to wipe his own butt, that he can know right from wrong and make good choices at home and school. I am the one to send him to his room if he is being agressive to remove him from others or make him clean up the milk he spills and tell him why it is not ok to hit the dog with the pool noodle or talk about his penis in his classroom. I am not his friend. I am his mother. I do not hit him, try very hard not to yell but to talk - and also to listen because tho I'm the adult, and his mother, I make mistakes too and he is bright and has alot to say, to teach ME and his father.

My 9 year old daughter? Same thing really except that as she's gotten older she's gotten a bit more freedom. But again am I her friend, no. I am her mother. We can have fun together, do makeovers and polish each others toesnails, go shopping and bake cookies and have fun but that doesn't make me her friend. It still makes me her mother. I'm still her mother when I'm explaining how her body works, buying her a training bra or telling her that it is not ok to slam her door and if she does it again I'm taking it off the hinges.

The 20 year old daughter- again, she is older - she knows everything I can teach her (well, in her opinion lol) and now has to apply it and make her own mistakes, choices, decisions as an adult. Am I her friend? More then the younger children yes- our relationship has become one more of mother talking to another mother , so appears in many ways like a friendship. But I am still her mother. I will always be that, not her friend - her mother.

I do not demand obedience of my children. I hope I have been teaching them, and continue to teach them that as their mother I have knowledge they don't have yet - and my job is to help them learn so they can make good choices and be independant. That they should respect me and their father and listen to our direction, because we only have their best interest at heart and love them with all our hearts. We tell them to do things not because we're mean and in charge - but because we know more then they do right now and guide them in what we think is best for them, for our family.
But I do not order them around and punish them if they make a bad choice, don't listen etc. We don't impose our terms - that sounds very controlling to me. We do have rules, and reasons behind those rules so that as the kids get older they can understand the reasons for the rules and they follow them because the rules make sense for their personal safety and growth.

ok, rambling. Going to get back to work. But thanks, that was fun

I hope you find some of this helpful, welcome to Amitys and good luck if you choose to adopt.