amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

mamajandtheboys · 07-04-2006, 12:02 AM

i find myself trying to change the subject whenever anyone asks what we're using this year.

i don't want ppl to think i'm being pretentious i guess. tucker loves to talk about what he's learning. he recited a prayer in latin in sunday school before their snack yesterday which got ppl talking

-- i know i shouldn't be like this --- how do i balance being proud of him and not wanting to seem like my boy is a know it all?

LifesaBeach · 07-04-2006, 02:40 PM

I say, enjoy it!

I think if the kid is presenting his own learning, there's nothing wrong with it. I would find it irritating to hear someone go on and on about how brilliant their child is ...I'd rather my child have the opportunity to show himself well taught/learned.

Of course, my kids don't know latin so if I heard another kid reciting latin, I'd be impressed!

heythereheather · 07-04-2006, 10:59 PM

I kind of agree with Jen. I do not brag about Erik, or really bring it up (what we're learning), unless directly asked. But I do smile when he tells someone what he's learning (so far he's not bragging or showing off, just sharing knowledge).

But yes, I do feel uncomfortable sometimes in discussions with moms of kids E's age, because I do not want them to compare, or worry that they did something wrong, or think I'm trying to show off. I try to steer the conversation to their child's strengths then, or point out areas where Erik isn't as strong, or find something to talk about that is common to both kids. I also don't give advice about teaching your child to read/teaching math/etc, unless it's knowledge i've gained from reading something else, since I had little to do with that in Erik's life.

audreyloo · 07-04-2006, 11:00 PM

Hi there,
I always feel like parents of "normal kids" ( whatever that means ) get to be proud of them out loud. Parents of "normal kids" call up their friends and say, " Guess what my kid just did?!" . They get to talk about how happy and excited they get when their children learn something new.
And what do we get?
We feel guilty.
right?
Well, I do. And I hate that. I don't think it is right.
Why should I feel guilty for wanting to call up my friends when my little boy learns to write his own name? Because he is 2?
I mean, when my friends with "normal kids" call me to tell me about their kid's milestones, I am genuinely happy and excited about it.
If they are my friends, wont they be happy and excited when I call them up?
So what if my kids are doing things that most kids don't do for another few years "normally".
Am I rambling here?
My point is,
should we, or should we not feel guilty talking, in public, about what our kids are up to?
that's all I have in my "rant box" tonight.

heythereheather · 07-04-2006, 11:17 PM

You know, I don't necessarily feel guilty. I will gladly talk about it when someone asks, and is interested. I just, in all things, try not to create a situation where someone else will worry about what they are doing wrong. So many people are so insecure about their parenting, about their homeschooling. I'm not.

So, if I talk about how E. was walking at 9.5 months, someone whose baby is now 14 months and not really walking often compares, and feels bad. Of course their child is within a normal range still, and it's not a big deal. So if someone asks me, I say that E. walked at 9.5 months, but it took him a long time to get really steady (and he couldn't stand independently before he walked, so he fell down a LOT). And then I'll probably point out how it seems that those who walk early often take several months to be proficient, while those who walk later often are up and going in a few weeks (and YES, there are exceptions on either side).

Same with reading--someone whose kid doesn't even know all the letters may feel like they did something wrong when they find out Erik is reading. Like, if they had done more "enrichment" activities when their kid was a baby, he'd be reading now, too. So I don't brag about it to people I don't know, and when someone finds out that he is (which is nearly inevitable, since he reads everything), I say something like, "yeah, isn't it amazing? He taught himself to read, I had nothing to do with it. He was already reading by the time he was Anders' age, and Anders isn't close to reading at all. Kids can be so different." People who know Erik better know his weaknesses, too, so they are more capable of sharing in my joys. Since they know we struggle with social stuff, they can feel great with us about what Erik is doing with reading/math/science.

Does that make sense? I really don't feel guilty about what my kids do. I'm proud, but I try to temper that in situations where someone else may end up comparing or feeling bad about their kids. And because of that, I probably do share less about what Erik achieves than parents of "typically developing" kids may share with me. I share the big stuff with Grandparents and other close family friends, and brag to them if I need to brag.

mamajandtheboys · 07-05-2006, 12:04 AM

i don't even talk to grandparents about tucker's accomplishments because THEY are so critical and condescending to me. even in our homeschool group, i downplay his achievements. i find that the moms in our hs group are even more competetive than non-hs'ers.

oh, and the fact that we're schooling thru the summer causes a stir. like i'm abusing him for "making" him do school!!

-- i begged him to let us take today off since it's a holiday!! he insisted that we just do a little bit, so we did.

but i am incredibly proud of him. he loves to learn, and i love to see his enthusiasm for learning rub off on griffin.

griffin is thrilled to learn, but has the attention span of our high strung yorkshire terrier

but bless his heart, he sits with us thru quite a bit of school and loves to give his input on things.
i'm rambling again.. thanks for your input and for listening

audreyloo · 07-05-2006, 03:29 PM

[quote=mamajandtheboys]i don't even talk to grandparents about tucker's accomplishments because THEY are so critical and condescending to me. even in our homeschool group, i downplay his achievements. i find that the moms in our hs group are even more competetive than non-hs'ers.

QUOTE]

I guess perhaps "guilty" was the wrong word ( from my previous post ). I think it's becuase people send out this vibe...or are outright "critical &/or condescending" when I say anything about where my kids are at.
Not everyone, but yes....family members, etc.

Goodness knows, I'm the last one to ever boast about what my kids are doing! But I hate feeling like I should "downplay" when someone asks about them.
I SO don't want my kids hearing me, wondering why I seem ashamed of their accomplishments, instead of proud of them! Sometimes, I feel pressured by others to try to act like "oh , its nothing special that my kids are reading already...everybody has their "thing" etc". I want them to know I'm proud of them. I don't want to give them the notion that they should "hide" who and how they are.
Does this make ANY sense? I really haven't the time to organize my thoughts about all of this and I'm just pounding away at my keyboard hoping it will somehow translate!!!!!

I guess I just wanted to clarify my last post a little ( I was kind of "ranty").
I'm just figuring out how to balance the being proud and happy of my kids...
with how the rest of the world translates it.

I've really enjoyed reading all these posts!
it is nice to have a place where its "ok" to talk about these things!

Korwynne · 07-21-2006, 10:22 AM

Not so much now.. but when Lindsey was talking in sentances by her first birthday and running at that time, it made playgroups uncomfortable - there was a perception that I was "forcing" her to learn things and I got asked repeatedly if I quizzed her with flashcards and such.. and disbelief when I said no.

SweetnSour · 07-29-2006, 02:01 AM

This is the reason why we stopped officially "schooling"

I had low self esteem and don't like to brag. It was either the "you're making it up" look or the "why can't you just let him be a kid?".

Yeah we were done with first grade by the time he was 3 and a few months, he loved it, asked for it, wanted it.

Now after an almost 6 months break, even though I was thinking of taking a 2-3 years break, I think we're gonna start again this fall, because he misses it so much, he "needs" his workbooks and books.
Now that he started catching up with fine motor skills we can just go over the first grade again and this time write everything instead of typing it on computer or stamping it

Last time a neighbour asked me if I was going to put him in head start after baby comes I told her, no, he's done with 1st grade, and she said "oh my God, has he seen a psychiatrist??? poor kid!"
So I'm just going to try my best to avoid discussions on the subjet and just let Vidura lead the learning as slow or as fast as he wants.

Good thing is that he's not a show off, though I'm worried that he has my poor self esteem and is just not confident enough, in front of his friends he plays "dumb", he will just read to me or dh (though it took a while with him too).

He's got a strange developement anyway, he's been doing addition and substraction on computer since ages but *just* learned to count on his fingers... go figure

tara · 08-19-2006, 06:40 PM

Not anymore. I used to feel awkward, especially with strangers, but now I'm just matter of fact about it. I don't bring it up, but if someone else does, or if Sam does something that draws comments, I don't mind talking about it. He is who he is.

Tara

3boysnagrl · 08-19-2006, 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tara

He is who he is.

Tara

Thanks sums up my feelings.

And Heather... why downplay his accomplishements? Why justify the early walking (btw - mine were all walking at 9 mos, running before 12 - lol) to people? Same with other accomplishments.

Be proud. He is who he is.

heythereheather · 08-21-2006, 02:03 AM

I agree, Heather. I know you're right. I still get a lot of the "pushy parent" vibe from other people, too, and comments--I say he's reading, they say "Oh, he's so young, let him just be a kid." I say that we do school stuff (and we don't do very much structured, no more than an hour and a half a day, the only workbook is math which he begs for... See, I even justify it here!) and they say, "Oh, give him time to just play." So to counteract that, I think I get defensive before I even get started.

It has gotten lots lots lots easier as he's gotten older, though.