amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

shanny

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First i wanted to say hi.... my name is shanny... short for shantell. I am single, 39 with a 16 yr old son.

My son is driving me insane. He is on his computer all the time! He is playing games with his friends and socializing. Yes I keep close tabs on what he is doing.... but dang it all.... he is giving my number out to people he has met in his game!

Generally he has become a recluse. He says he has no reason to go out because it is too hot.... well duh! it is summer. He has his permit to drive, but doesn't want to What teenager doesn't want to drive?

He isn't a bad kid... he does what I ask him to do.... he doesn't want to get a job... says he has no need for one....again.... what teenager doesn't want a job?

I think someone gave me a bum teenage kid.... i don't mean he is like a bum... i mean like....not the one i thought ... anyway... rambling here....

What can a mom do? he really has no male influence in his life... which i thought would be okay since i didn't want him to pick up those nasty traits some of the men have.....

I welcome any advice.

Thanks
Shanny

Kathywiehl

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Turn off the computer?

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Kathy, wife to Mike, Mom to Kayla 7/19/94, Madelyn 3/13/03, and Nicholas, 6/10/05 and Benjamin 2/20/08

Barb

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Yah, how many teens do you have? lol

Mama, welcome - I am 42 next Friday and have three kids. My oldest will be 18 in October. My daughter is 7 next month and my son turns 4 on Tuesday.

Had to have several long heart to hearts with my daughter about myspace and not giving out personal info and phone numbers. Related alot of stories about people getting raped, killed - home invasions etc and finally she got the picture. She also has her own cell phone and I told her that is the only number she can give out and she is going on her own contract on her 18th birthday anyway. She is on the computer, on the phone, at her friends houses and in her room. Its a fine line between respecting privacy and lifestyle and going nuts. I understand your pain.

My teen failed the permit test twice. She is very bright - simply unmotivated to study. She gets rides. She has no interest in driving. Personally, I think she is terrified.

yah, that one is odd. Chels worked at Harkins for about six months but her grades dropped so I made her quit. She's at Starbucks now for summer and we'll see how next year goes with highschool, cosmetology (voc tech for college during highschool) and work. But she does like work and having her own cash.

Well - I do believe that a POSITIVE male influence is important to young men. Is grandpa in the picture somewhere? A good uncle or other positive male role model? When I was a single mama with Chels before I met Tom and had the two littles , grandpa and uncle D were in her life - alot.

I guess I'd ask what you do when you're home with him? Do you two go out to coffee or a movie? Do you play board games with him? Does he ever invite friends over? Can you encourage him to invite a friend over for movies and pizza one night so you can hang with them? Go for a swim? Hang at the mall with him or something?
Boys are different I'm sure , way sure, then my teenage girl, but with her I find that to keep the connection and the communication going I have to spend quality time alone with her. Get her talking to me.

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Barb
mama to Chelsey 20, Zoey 9, Roman 6 , gramma to Miss Alea, 10 mos and sorta mama to Nienie 19.5

We really don't get out much. Welcome to my world.

shanny

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when i am home with him, i will ask him if he wants to go out to eat and to a movie... but he says no he has a village to raid or something like pertaining to his game. Sometimes i have to just say.. you are coming ... lets go... he just doesn't want to. I rent movies thru netflix and let him pick out movies he likes, but usually he doesn't watch them or if he does it is after i go to bed at 10. He says that he has acquantences from school... he doesn't consider any of them friends..... I know he talks to them at school though, his counselor tells me that she sees him laughing and talking with them. He says that he doesn't need to associate outside of school.

as for taking the computer away... i have... and it doesn't faze him.... he will go sit and read instead... he went a month without it.

my father unfortunatley is not a good influence for him to be around.... he is what they call a "dirty old man". While I would love for my son to spend time with his Uncle, it won't happen because he lives in another state and they have never met.

I do have a friend that does work for me here at the house and he will follow him around and help him out with things. My son says he likes learning about all that stuff.

My son hates swimming... refuses to even wear shorts EVER.... the only time he will go shopping is if i FORCE him to go.... he doesn't like walking around the mall either. He will go to the computer store if he has the money to spend for new headphones or something but i am not bribing him to go anywhere.

oh well.... maybe some day he will come "alive"

Kathywiehl

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Is there any chance he could be suffering from depression or a video game addiction?

pj and the bear

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Welcome!!

I don't have a teenager, yet. DD is working on it but for now she's a tweenager. Would your handyman/friend take him on as an assistant?? It's worth asking him on the side and have him suggest it. Give him some new skills as well. Teens tend to think moms/dads don't know anything so maybe if someone else requests/suggests it he might be willing. I remember being 15/16 y/o and not wanting to work either. My dad MADE me get a job and I must have had at least 4-5 new jobs in 6 months. I did babysit somewhat regularly but dad wanted a "real" job with skills.

I would limit the computer time and move the computer (if it isn't already located) into the family area/room where you can see each other and even interact while doing different things. It's called parallel play just like the toddlers do and since the toddler years and the teen years tend to run similiar to each other....................................

Does he help out at home?? Guys are soooooooo different from girls on the social scene too. They're not very social from what I can tell. My dh had friends but preferred to be out in the mountains hiking (he grew up in CO.) either by himself or with a buddy. I think that was mainly for safety though. Even when vacationing with family my MIL talks about how he would bring a friend and take off for a few days by themselves into the forest. He's still not very social and at least once a month tells me how he'd love to move to the mountains or Girdwood, Alaska--------------alone He did say I could come visit.

HTH

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Leah