amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

ChickenMom · 09-27-2005, 03:31 PM

I was sorting laundry today and ran across a thong that does not belong to me (not that I wear them on a regular basis, but I do have a few pairs my DH bought for me). I know exactly who they belong to, my 13 yr old daughter. She knows full well I do not approve of thongs for her. Should I-
1. Confront her
2. Confiscate them and say nothing.
3. Forget it, just wash them and shut up.
In the past few weeks she's really started pushing thing past what is ok. For example, she's allowed to wear a little makeup but no eyeliner or mascara. Yesterday morning before she walked out the door I made her go wash the makeup off her face. This is not the first time that's happened.
Another example, she took 2 pairs of earring out of my jewelry box without asking. I found them when I was putting clothes in her room. Asked her about them, her response "I was just trying them on, I was going to put them back." I told her next time she wants to borrow something ask first. She's a good kid, on the B honor roll, plays basketball, is a big help around the house. But this really "irks" me.
Am I just overreacting? How would you handle it if it was your daughter? TIA

Barb · 09-27-2005, 05:03 PM

well mama...
I have a 16yo (next month) and I'll tell you my thoughts honestly.

1. Makeup.
I did allow Chelsey to start wearing makeup at around 13 for school, church, special occasions - BUT - with my help. I taught her how to apply makeup and the concept of it being used to enhance beauty, not to make her look like a clown , a hooker etc.
If she wore it as taught it was generally very pretty and I'd no problem with it.
2. "borrowing". I laid down the law on this at around 13 as well. She is not allowed to touch my belongings without my permission. Period. Its a bout respect and the opposite is true as well. I do not touch HER belongings without HER permission. She didn't get it right away, but when she couldn't find her favorite hat and finally came to me after ripping her room apart crying I shrugged and said "oh yah, i borrowed that. Hrm. guess I should've asked you first huh". And then I went and got it from my closet (i actually HAD worn it that day lol). She never did it again - she respects my room and belongings and I respect hers

as for the thong. This is a lesson I let chelsey learn all on her own after one comment. My comment was 'I hear these things are a cause of yeast infections. If yuo wanna wear em, fine but I'm just letting you know".
She got one.
She doesn't wear them anymore.

Alot of these lessons are things we've discussed but she feels the need to do herself anyway and learns the lessons better cuz she's the one who feels the heat when it gets messed up.

anyway, hope some of this is useful or insightful.
I don't have issues with self expression and the need to be independant (my kid has black hair with a pink streak atm) - I do take issue with not respecting my belongings or my requests.

joyfuljourneys · 09-27-2005, 06:22 PM

Keep talking keep talking keep talking! That is a common theme I see in the parents with teens I admire, and that seems to be what is keeping our relationship stable and sane here.

I know we haven't had the thong issue, we have had makeup struggles but through guidance and consistency on my part (and a few "wash your face now" moments) she does really well knowing what is appropriate and attractive, and what is pushing it for us.

We have had some tight shirt issues, that sort of thing, but for us mostly Rebecca chooses a modest dress style, so it works without too much supervision. But if the thong issue came up here, I would ask her why she wanted to wear a thong, and go from there. Maybe she is embarassed about visible panty lines, was she teased, was it something someone said at school? If that was the case I would help her pick some underwear that didn't show panty lines, honor that in her, but without the thong thing. (I noticed Hanes has some they promote as no panty line briefs). If it is because others wear them, I would just be real about that, what message does it send if the boys know she is wearing a thong, who should know what underwear she is wearing anyway,,so on. I think that the problem with being 13 (and 14, 15, so on) is you are often acting on emotion, but need help and guided questioning to think things through.

Keep talking mama, I totally wouldn't confiscate the thong without using it as a teaching talking moment. make it a great moment, take her out for coffee, let it be a growing closer hour, be real, ask her what she thinks instead of just telling her what you think. I bet she learns a lot, and you will too...

The taking things, I would just let her know how it hurts you, and lay down the law..it is about mutual respect. You can expect it from her, and if you show it to her (through things like the conversation about the thong) then she will get it,,you are teaching her how to treat others by the way you treat her..

Oh I sound so stinking wise,,,LOL! Next week it will be me with a crisis...you watch! I have been away for 10 days so it is all bliss right now! teehee!

MrFussyPants · 09-27-2005, 08:20 PM

I have just gone thru the "thong" thing with Kelcey (also 13) She asked me for months to let her get a pair of thong underware and I kept saying no. Well just before school I gave in while clothes shopping with her. I gave her the yeast talk and stuff (right in the store) and we picked a couple pairs out together. She is not allowed to wear them to school (I make her show me before we leave for school) The reason I gave in was that I did not want her to go behind my back, I would rather know what she is doing and wearing than have her feel as she has to sneak behind my back. So far we have a great relationship, we talk and we are open. 13 is a hard age for girls (and boys) it is the most awkward year--begining of the teen years.

I know this is probably no help butI am happy with our relationship and I dont feel she sneaks anything behind my back and I trust her

irinam · 09-27-2005, 08:42 PM

I like Barbs suggestions on makeup and the "borrowing" (Barb, I will be "using" your approach on Valerie when the time comes)

On the thong thing - I never knew that thongs are a no-no

I wear them ALL THE TIME and never gave it a second thought (oh, and I don't get yeast infections either, LOL)

BUT! I have a growing girl - so could you mamas throw in a few thoughts about why the thongs are... I mean, why it would be an issue?

lamade · 09-27-2005, 10:27 PM

My daughter is 15 and hasn't wanted to try thongs. She thinks they would be uncomfortable. Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with her wearing them for the right reasons. If she wanted to wear them to have part of them show when she bends over ~ no way! But, if she wants to wear them so she doesn't have those horrible VPL (visible panty lines!), then sure. That's why I wear them

The part I would have a problem with would be doing something behind my back. And, I am with Barb in regards to the "borrowing"...

jacNal'smom · 09-27-2005, 10:36 PM

While I wouldn't go out and buy a thong for my child, if she really wanted to wear that style of underwear, I'd probably let her. To me, it's just underwear. Some people find thongs more comfortable, I suppose. Hopefully, noone will be looking at her underwear so it doesn't really matter what kind she has on. So, I don't see the big deal with that either. FTR...I've come a long way in my thinking regarding clothing and my child.

Make-up and dating are bigger issues for me. No to both for a very long time. She's only 8, but I see kids her age wearing make-up and it's ridiculous. Fortunately, she isn't one of those little girls that's always talking about who she's "going with" in reference to some little playground thing at school. That kind of makes me ill when I hear little girls talking like that. I blinked and she was 8, so I know 13 is right around the corner.

The big issue is going against your wishes. I don't have an answer for that one.

I agree totally with Barb on the "borrowing".

kandemama · 09-27-2005, 11:12 PM

I am a thong wearer, but only because I hate panty lines and I also find them more comfortable that other styles ( I have the feeling of the brief kind around my thighs for some reason). I would be less concerned over your daughter wearing a thong and more concerned over why.

I have felt some hints of teenage rebellion in my daughter over other things though, such as not wanting to shower or brush her teeth, and wearing soccer clothes to school every day when she has a ton of other nicer stuff available. So I guess she is swaying in the direction of being a tomboy.....otherwise she is a great kid so I am taking a second look at why that makes me uncomfortable.....

J3 · 09-27-2005, 11:20 PM

These issues are common among girls this age.
I'm there with you.

marjen · 09-27-2005, 11:51 PM

I have a 13 year old dd too - she is a great kid - responsible, helps out at home, straight As, etc....yet still lately I find she is pushing those boundaries...such as, telling me she is going to Grandpa's house and then finding out later she did go, but asked him if she could go with her friends and he said yes....telling me she has to stay late at school so arranging for dad to pick her up after school late and then discovering practice had been cancelled...finding out she was on the net later than she was allowed...stuff like that.

I have made it clear that as long as I can trust her, I will help her accomplish what she wants to do (drives, etc) as long as it is safe, etc...but if she breaks my trust then that goes out the window. As of present, the cable to the net for her room is unplugged, going to Grandpa's means going to Grandpa's, and practice? I call the school to confirm it is happening.

I love her and I actually do trust her, for the most part, BUT she is 13 and I am not taking any chances. Kids this age will do things that are uncharacteristic, and I want to keep her safe, and bring her up to *think*.

These safety issues weigh on my mind way more than make-up and thongs. I am not trying to trivialize them, but they will not cause my daughter any "harm" and they do allow her to express her individuality. I do make sure she knows how to wear her makeup properly, and she does have good taste in clothes that is usually modest - but this age group is ruthless - if there is anything at all wrong with her makeup or her clothes, her friends (and some of her not so friends, friends) would let her know in seconds of stepping onto the school grounds.

I am much more concerned that she makes good judgement calls where it counts the most.

LuAnn · 09-28-2005, 01:15 AM

I just have a question as I have a son and hes only just about 5months old...but if you did not find the thong, who would have washed it?? If it was in with her clothes than I feel that maybe she wanted you to find it, otherwise do oyu think she would really wear it and leave it around dirty?(Gross) But I was at that age once, Im only 24 so it was about 10 yrs ago for me....so I just think you need to ask her about it, explain to her why you dont want her to wear them, or come to an agreement, like you can wear them on the weekends, but NOT to school...its a very hard age, and I just think you need to talk to her on it...just make sure your not mad at the time..kwim?
GOOD LUCK
LuAnn

Dannielle · 09-28-2005, 01:24 AM

I'm imagining my dd being 3 yrs older... I'd want to know exactly how the thong was acquired. Was it purchased? With whom? What were the circumstances surrounding the purchase? Was she hanging out at the mall with a group of friends? Were there male friends there? And not to sound accusatory toward your dd (because I don't mean to be...just letting my mind wander) but was it stolen? Only speculating because a thong would be mighty easy to steal...they're so darn small. I can imagine a 13 yr old being a brave talker but to actually go up to the counter and make the purchase would have been way too embarrassing for me at 13.

I think I'd be bothered, not so much by thong wearing, but by the circumstances surrounding it's acquisition. If it were just a "I need new underwear that won't show pantylines" thing the purchase would have been made through you, right? I'm assuming she doesn't spend her allowance on socks lol.