amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

Hazel · 09-12-2005, 02:37 PM

Here's my story: (**WARNING*** it's long)
My oldest dd is 15 & 1/2 years old...she has just started being interested in boys and I'm having major issues. Her first 'boyfriend' was a boy she met at an Anime (Japanese animation) convention and they knew eachother all of the 3 day-event and became an item. They made out the 3rd day of meeting eachother, btw. DD told me all this a couple weeks later. The boy lives on another island (we're in Hawaii), which was sort of a relief for me as that meant she wouldn't really be seeing him very often once school started (the boy was visiting with his grandma here). Anyway, long story short on that one, they broke up after a month or so because, being as young as they are, the boy was also 'seeing' other girls (he was a player, in other words). Okay, so now I find out that she's been seeing this new boy who does live on our island, but he's all the way on the other side (about 40 minutes away). Now, I had my oldest dd at 17 so I'm not exactly the poster child for abstinence, by in my case, I genuinely loved dd's father and we were together for 2 years before we started having sex...my issue is this: dd recently told me and dh (her step dad) that on Labor Day, the day I dropped her off at the mall to hang with friends, she and 'the guy' went to watch a movie and ended up dry humping in the back of the theater. Now, dd thinks she is pregnant (no, they did not have intercourse, so dd says; all their clothes were on, including her panties, but she was wearing a skirt...which by the way, she didn't have on when I dropped her off...she smuggled the short skirt in her backpack--which I did not buy her, btw--my aunt, bless her misguided soul, did--). I repeatedly asked her if the guy's penis had been out at anytime, and she said no, all their clothes had been on. I am 33 years old, and while some people are ready to be early grandparents, I am not! I am barely able to parent the kids I have now, lol! My question is this: how the he** am I supposed to handle this? I didn't get mad when she told me; I told her, if this is something she wants to pursue (i.e. sex) then we would need to get her educated some more (more than what health class has taught her) and decide from there. Also, this kid that she's into cuts himself; so that's another issue I need to deal with. I'm open with dd, having been where she is (15, liking boys and curious), but I am also aware of all the dangers (not just pregnancy, but AIDS, STDs...). Emotionally, I know dd is not ready for sex and I have told her this. She seems to understand this, but as all teens are wont to do, she doesn't seem to realize the gravity of the situation. Sex is a big deal...with gigantic consequences, both physical and emotional...how do I get that across? Dd is bright (as all our children are, right?) and sensitive--I don't want to come across like gang busters, telling her I forbid her to have sex and preaching like I never made any mistakes...but then on the same coin, I need to protect her. Also, this kid she's liking now, she's only known for a few months (less than a year); I know generations change, but the hook ups seem to be happening at super sonic speed. From my recollection, my first bf (her dad) took 2 months to kiss me because I was so scared. My dd is shy by nature, so it's shocking to know how daring she is with these boys. I also touched on the 'easy reputation' she might be cultivating and that boys this age are pretty much only into self satisfaction (so dear husband tells me). AARRRGGHH. Any and all advice will be appreciated. If you've gotten this far, bless you for your patience!

Korwynne · 09-12-2005, 02:40 PM

no advice - just greatful my eldest is only 4.

ThreeSuns · 09-12-2005, 02:44 PM

the description you gave of your daughter was me as a teen... When I hit boys it hit fast and I was the shy type too.

My best advice is to be open and honest and EDUCATE her!!

My mom had me at 16 so she did exactly as I mentioned and I did not end up having my 1st baby until I was 24

Oh, my mom took me to the health department for an AIDs/STD seminar and to talk to a few case workers. And GASP, handed me a pack of condoms!!

MotherMoon · 09-12-2005, 02:51 PM

It sounds like you are being really supportive and she is being open with you. Try to keep those lines of communication open. As you know, telling her she can't do something with but up walls between you two. I remember being 15. And, not being ready, knowing I wasn't ready. But wanting to physically.

It is scary that this boy is cutting himself. There are some deep issues with that. You might want to help her investigate the generaly causes behind cutting so she understands what might be going on with this guy.

Personally, I think I would also be careful about allowing her into situations that might lead to what happened. Can you do a lot as a family for a while, cutting down on the opportunity for her to go out un-chaperoned? Is there a way to cut down on this time alone with friends without her feeling the squeeze, do you KWIM?

She may be scared she is pg because she may have heard a lot of mis information about how you can get pg. She may know he came. He may have come on her. Or, in her inexperience, she may not know if he came or not. There are a lot of variables. But, I think you are headed in the right direction. But, I personally would come as close to eliminating alone time with friends as I could.

kas · 09-12-2005, 02:56 PM

i'd be at the gyno w/her fast enough to make her head spin.

i'll make the same offer to my boys' girlfriends if they aren't close/open with their mom too

nothing you can do to stop her from having sex...if she hasn't already...but you *can* help her prevent an unwanted pg and std, hiv, etc by taking an active role in the situation she's shared with you.

fwiw, i told my parents i thought i was ready for sexual intimacy after i had been having sex for almost two yrs

Barb · 09-12-2005, 03:16 PM

Just agreeing with the other mothers. My dd is turning 16 and in her first real relationship with a boy now . She and I are very open but I'm still terrified. I have told her repeatedly that if she chooses to have sex we will make sure she's protected - she just has to tell me so we can go in.
She watched me pregnant twice and watched her brother emerge and cut his cord, so she knows shes' not ready to have a baby., sigh.
The teen years are so hard.

I'd get her into a gyno for an exam, protection and serious informational talk. Hang tough mama

JodiM · 09-12-2005, 03:16 PM

I think you are right by being open with her... the best thing at this point is for you to educate her as much as you can.

Show her pictures, and make her read up on STD's... HIV, let her know how hard it is with a baby... and buy her some condom's. Make sure you tell her that a boy who cares about her, will use them.. if not for her sake, than for his own.
If he wont use them, she needs to drop him.

Hugs Mama!

Hazel · 09-12-2005, 03:36 PM

Dd has told me she wasn't sure if the boy ejaculated (sorry, graphic), but she read somewhere that the sperm can swim through clothing. I am letting her think she might be right to worry about being pregnant (granted, the clothing the boy had on was denim jeans, so I highly doubt those suckers survived the swim)...it all plays into what a big responsibility sex requires. I answer all questions my dd has about sex, but I don't volunteer them...I mean, I talk to her about abstinence and the consequences (both good and bad) about sex, but I guess the nitty gritty part (mechanics) of it all, I haven't touched on. Not that she's eager to have a discussion with me about it, mind you. If anything, she's a little squeamish, which is funny, considering she's willing to swap spit with a guy she hardly knows! I also tried to have her think ahead; say she is pregnant, did she consider what she would do? Dd said, she'd 'get rid of it' like it's some fungal infection or something. Now, I don't want to start some heated debate over this, so please, mamas, bear with me and try to keep an open mind! I took a technically stance with dd regarding the whole abortion issue; I asked her, how would she pay for it? She said she'd get a job. I told her an abortion wouldn't be cheap. As a minor, child labor laws prohibit her from working a lot of hours, so in the time she would take to earn enough money to pay for her abortion, she might as well just have the baby as it would be way past the acceptable time to terminate the pregnancy. Also, I asked her, what about the boy? She's like, 'He said he's scared for me'. I got mad at that because it shows the immaturity that's surrounding this whole situation! I had her think about her future; college would be put on the back burner, who would take care of her baby? Not me, I'm taking care of my own 11 month old baby (another girl--of which makes 3 for me. Yes, God has a sense of humor! lol)! Basically, dd is very naive and sheltered. She's not as street smart as I was when I was 15, but then again, I grew up in a different generation.
I will be keeping her home more often...not that she goes out a lot. Once every 2 weeks to hang with friends, and I feel bad when I tell her no, she can't go to sleep over at so and so's house or to the concert in town, but I am relatively strict by nature. I'm not an idiot; I know what's 'out' there and I've been there...I also know I can't keep my kids in a box. I want my girls armed with knowledge so they will be able to make the right decisions for them. Informed consent...but sometimes, it doesn't always work out that way. You know it's bad for you, that chocolate donut, yet you eat it anyway. You mamas know what I mean. We as adults, have a hard time controlling ourselves...how much harder for an inexperienced teenager with nothing to compare her experience to?
I also told dd, that if she wants to pursue losing her virginity (

), then I will take her to the doctor and she will go on the pill, BUT she will also learn how to put on a condom (I will show her how) and she will use said condom AND spermicide EACH AND EVERY time she has intercourse. I told her it was her body and she should protect it. I also told her, I didn't want her having sex, that she isn't ready and it was a big mistake because she is so young. Dh, her step daddy, also chimed in that she had the rest of her life to have sex; why complicate her life now with it, while she still had a chance to enjoy childhood? I took her back 2 weeks before the whole dry humping in the theater incident (lol, you can laugh) and told her to remember how her life was then and how she felt; wasn't she carefree and life was actually not so complicated? The biggest thing on her mind back then was the next French II exam...not whether she was pregnant or not. Is that what she wanted? She told me no...she was beginning to get the picture. But, that said, she's still a teenager, privy to impulsive behavior. I told her I couldn't help her if she didn't tell me anything, so I asked her not to be afraid to approach me.
Thanks for listening, reading...

tinyterror'sma · 09-12-2005, 03:37 PM

As a young sexually active teen, I wish my mom had taken me to gyno early on.

She didn't until after I approached her & it was too late by then (STD).

I was barely 16 & it wasn't my 1st partner.

Megmama · 09-12-2005, 03:59 PM

Sounds like you are handling things as best you can. I had my daughter on the pill at 16 even though she claimed she hadn't had sex yet. We had her and her boyfriend go to Planned Parenthood on their own so they could be educated outside of panicked parents. I am proud to say that her boyfriend was suitably freaked out and even paid for her birth control as well as his own. I am also proud to say that Alexis is almost 19, in college, much more responsible and studying to be a nurse.

Honesty, openness, and education. And keep communicating with her!

kas · 09-12-2005, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Megmama

Sounds like you are handling things as best you can. I had my daughter on the pill at 16 even though she claimed she hadn't had sex yet. We had her and her boyfriend go to Planned Parenthood on their own so they could be educated outside of panicked parents. I am proud to say that her boyfriend was suitably freaked out and even paid for her birth control as well as his own. I am also proud to say that Alexis is almost 19, in college, much more responsible and studying to be a nurse.

Honesty, openness, and education. And keep communicating with her!

i love hearing about others who are also open about sex with their kids

kkdmommy · 09-12-2005, 04:40 PM

I think you're handling it really well. I admit my first thought was "CONVENT"

4 girls here, oldest is 9. They already know there will be no "dating" or unchaperoned anything while they live under our roof but I'm a strict, mean b*%#h. Given what your dd's already doing/done I think that idea about a trip to planned parenthood for them both is a fabulous idea. Best of luck & (((HUGS))).

irinam · 09-12-2005, 05:02 PM

Just want to second (third, forth?) the open communication, honesty and education. I will go now and "google" some books that can be useful and if something worthy comes up - I will post it.

I am another mama that got pregnant at 16, had my DS at 17 (and started sex at 15 - looking back at it I could have gotten pregnant right away).

My parents only started somewhat talking to me about sex when I was doing it already

It was more on the lines "You are not doing it, right?" "Of course not!!!" (yeah, right) "Good". End of conversation. The best would have been if I knew the options available to me about birth control...

You are on the right track about being open about it. As other's said - you can not stop her, but can educate her. If she feels safe asking you for advice - you are miles ahead of my parents for example...

dreamseeds · 09-12-2005, 05:41 PM

You ahve received some great ideas already. Just including a hug. I have already raised 2 teens that were very difficult. They have turned out to be great adults, so dont give up!
My 2 teens I am raising now are not as difficult, but I have learned a little....I have been more proactive with them.

I will go through this 3 more times. One thing I have learned is that it can be a very painful, difficult time adjusting from your dependant angel to trying to be free kid without the maturity to deal with life.
Hang in there mama and follow your heart.....

heather4285 · 09-12-2005, 05:47 PM

i say what others have said and educate her more and take her to the health department. it seems that she doesn't really understand a lot about sex to think she could be pg. from what they did. more education is def. needed.
i do want to add something though. you made a couple of comments here about how long you waited and how she barely knows the boy, and i want to tell you that that is going to put her on the defensive so fast. my mom and i did not have an open relationship at all and we would NEVER have had this kind of conversation, so i know you have a good relationship with her. but, please don't "belittle" her relationship with him, b/c that will put her "in his arms" even faster. i say that b/c that is what i would have done (LOL) and mom saying "no" would have made me want to even more.
good luck and (((((((((hugs)))))))))) i hope that she continues to be open and honest with you so that you can guide her and help her.