amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

BlueRoseMama · 10-10-2004, 12:33 AM

I keep thinking about this concept... and what it means to the population of "America the free". I see it in threads about pot, threads about buying things and threads about food.

Then I watch as the "sheeple" of America start believing the propiganda of media and become "fat looser potheads".

Has anyone else noticed this? It makes me ill. Not that each person who gets into one of these three catagories will end up in all three. But the advertising makes it's mark.

I rented Farinheit 9/11, because Michal Moore really had something valid to say. There were parts of it that were WAY too dramatic and took some creditbility away from the movie... but there were also parts of it that blew my mind. And will not go unnoticed by the people of America. Dh ended up watching it with me... not because he wanted to, but because he was downstairs when I put it on. So now he wants to rent that other one... Farinheit "mock" 9/11 or whatever (I am not trying to make fun, I really don't remember what it is called) and I say I want to watch something light. So we get Ladykillers. I don't really want to watch it, I don't find murder light... but it could be funny I guess. I pass by Supersize Me and say "Why don't we get that instead?" Don says "Why, everyone knows that is a stupid idea... if you eat McDonalds everyday, you will get fat. They never claimed it was health food." I was PISSED... not only that he is disregarding compleatly good information just because he LIKES McDonalds, but because he is WRONG.

UGH...

What do you think? I need some imput here... I am feeling SO torn and I truly am starting to feel like my life is being split... I can't live life on the outside of my ideals. And I can't see someone influencing my childrens ideals in an unhealthy way... and yet... what can I do?

I have found out recently that he will talk about these things like he was the one that brought them up: someone at work boycotts KFC for their practices with chickens, and then Don starts talking about the terrible treatment of egg layers like he is the one with the conviction. But he would NEVER buy 'naturally nested eggs' if it was not for me getting upset when he brought home the crap from the tortured animals. He does not want to hear it! It makes me want to cry. I can't live torn like this... it is making me wholey unhappy.

Love Val

Shannon · 10-10-2004, 11:07 AM

Val, my dh and I have been going through the same thing since my ds was born (4 1/2 years ago). It almost destroyed our marriage. We have different beliefs, different dreams, different goals. It's been hard and we finally decided to call it quits. That's when I got a reality check. It broke my heart and I realized that that is not what I want. He is still the man I fell in love with and I would rather embrace what we do have in common and just deal with what we don't. There will be compromise on both sides, but that's marriage!

I have a whole new perspective on our relationship now. I just have to step back and realize that it took me a while to be the way I am now, and it may take him awhile too or maybe not. Maybe he won't change, but he's still the one I want to spend forever with. If we were alike in everyway, it would be like being married to myself and that would be no fun. LOL

We can't force our ways on anyone or they will never want to change. We just simply have to "be the change we want to see" (Ghandi?). And I really believe this....now.

You just hang in there, things will get better.

BlueRoseMama · 10-10-2004, 01:01 PM

Yeah Laurie.... most of the time I am pissed right now. I am just allowing myself to see how changed our life really is, and I am not so happy about it. And I am sick of being on the back burner... I want him to have to conform to something I want to do for once.

I am just angry and selfish. That is all.... And it is coming out in some really healthy, and some really unhealthy ways. And I know that... but it really hurts sometimes that I have been on the back burner for so long and now I have longer to wait. He kept saying "soon, soon this will all be over." And soon never came. It may not ever.

I am also flipping out because my breasts are KILLING me. I don't know what that is about, but they really hurt and I keep having dreams of being PG, which would be terrible for both of us. But at the same time I kinda wanna be... but that is just becaues I love kids... not because of the reality of having another one. My hormones and emotions are like a friken rollercoaster... I have an IUD... I didn't think I ever had to worry about this!!?!!

So on top of that, he is not communicating well... being a jerk about stupid stuff because he is stressed... and that is not a good thing to do to a woman who is on such an emotional rollercoaster... and so I get VERY angry... very easily. (And then he says that I am finding reasons to flip out on him, and checks out.)

And then there is having no breaks from my children. My mom took my son for the weekend. She did not take Cyan at all... not that I am really upset about this... but I have breaks from Alex... I need a just free BREAK.

I woke up this morning and my dd and Don are watching Robin Hood downstairs. Maybe this will be my break day??

I am just on a swinging scale and need some space to figure out what is going on. What I think is the worst part, is that it is all in my head. I am remembering things that I don't want to remember about my past, and have no one to talk to. I am dealing with marriage troubles that I thought were long gone and I don't really have any objective person to talk to... and the money is still such an issue... I just need that to be over... but we still don't know when...

Can I get any more whinney????

Sorry. I am just a big sniveling mess... I don't even make sence to myself right now.

Love Val

thrrrnbush · 10-10-2004, 02:12 PM

Dear Val,

I entirely understand how you feel. I'm resisiting the urge to go on at length about how bad my marriage is right now. It's just too easy to go off on a rant. I'm pretty **** crunchy and he's pretty **** mainstream (to put it nicely) but we were sort of in a flexible "meet you all the way" state of mind when we got together ten years ago. Age and stress I think have actually moved us even further into our personal polarities. I was fine with a boyfriend slightly right of center at the time, but either I was dellusional or he's changed in all the worst ways. I know raising kids has made me take my values more seriously.

Let me know if you solve it. Right now I'm just sort of thunking my head because people told me from the start mixed marriages don't work. Ours did for eight years, but it doesn't anymore. We've stopped being the balance and become the enemy. Hearing his cynicism and harsh judgemental tones coming out of our four year old has just pushed me over an invisible line.

Sorry. I'm trying not to rant. Just wanted to throw in my fully empathizing bit of moral support. It's **** hard when your support network doesn't get you. I suppose that's why I keep coming back here again and again.

Thanks,
Crystal

Susannah · 10-10-2004, 02:57 PM

I'm just a nobody, so take anything that I say with a grain of salt, because I truly know next to nothing about any of you. Life is tough, marriage is tougher! Add a couple of children to the mix and it can seem impossible at times. Make those same children stepchildren, and it really is impossible at times. Please know that I'm typing this to myself gals, even though I've been around the block several times over.

When the times of having irreconcilable differences come around, the best medicine is the farthest thing from our minds, that of getting away and turning off the world, to get back to knowing the one we fell in love with in the first place. I "know" that Mark and I NEED to do this, but we are so at odds with one another right now, that it is the last thing that I want to do with him. Most of it is in trying to live in a blended family, with him being a childless stepdad and my children being his "subjects". He doesn't see it that way though.

Could it also be the change of seasons? My best season is fall, but it brings about a strength in me that is at best, difficult to live with. When I am less in the other seasons, I am more gullible and more willing to take the crap in life that everyone contends with. But, put me in my best season and I am NOBODY to mess with, especially when I feel as though my children are being treated less than they deserve.

Val, the one thing that I do know, is that most men have an intense pride and have great difficulty in hearing anything that comes from their wives. This doesn't mean that I don't speak it though!! I can vocalize with the best of them. Yet, it is very frustrating to hear our dh's parroting someone else's convictions as though they were initially their own, even though the same conversation was had in the recent past.

This may be of NO help whatsoever!! And I take no offense if you tell me that I am totally offbase. Ultimately it is very much worth it to try and get back on track, but that track must be repairable or have the ability to be revamped. Only you and your dh can determine those things. I hope that maybe the two of you can take a break and shut out everything else around you, even if only for an evening. Date nights are very important!! Here I am again, typing to myself. We haven't had a date night since I became pregnant and know that we really need to. With being tired and nauseous, and the turmoils of everyday life, I feel as though it would be more taxing and not worth the effort. Yet, when I have bucked up and done it anyway, our relationship has flourished, even though nothing was really resolved in the home arena.

Use what you can and throw the rest away.

AvalonMom · 10-10-2004, 03:30 PM

I think more than anything right now you need someone to listen.
Write as much out as you can, here or in a journal. It helps. Its almost like someone listening.
Continue to Post here as much as you need. We are all here to support you.
Try and get a full day break. Can you get DH to watch the kids for a day?

sativarain · 10-13-2004, 11:35 PM

Hey Val just wanted to say I hope things get better with you and Don, it's okay to be different imo. Just sounds like you need a good break and I'm right with ya on that one!!~

have a better day tomorrow

Valerie

Linda · 10-14-2004, 03:35 AM

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

BlueRoseMama · 10-14-2004, 05:03 AM

Thanks so much for the support guys. I am doing better. Tired, and still stressed, but much better. Things have clamed down with me and Don and it seems like my body is calming down too... I hope that is true and not just what I want to see. But either way, I feel better, and the thing with me and Don IS getting better.... I just don't understand how an intellegent person can filter out information just cuse it is not something he wants to hear.... But we are talking again, and that is so important.

We really need time to learn how to live together again. It has been a long time of termoil and stress, and it just doesn't end. I am SO ready... but it just doesn't stop. I hope that will happen sometime soon... where he can be awake during the day, and we can talk and just be together. He stayed up for a while this morning... long enough so we could go to breakfast. It was really nice... I just want to be working with him instead of against him again.

One other things that I am dealing with that I would love some insight on... when our dh's have spent a lot of time alone do they loose all tact? I am not trying to be nit picky, but I don't remember him having a habit of putting his hand in his pants, or picking his nose in front of me, or doing things that the kids would do, like stealing my last bite of toast... We have always had a lot of tact around each other... we saw it as a code of conduct that we should follow to keep ourselves.... well partially attractive, and partially on the same athority level... so I was not always telling him not to do stuff like the kids. And now I feel like he has regressed a little. I am trying to ignore it, but I will tell you, that bugs me right now. I have two children... you know? Anyway... things are better. It is all better. We have another date tomorrow night. I think we just need to take every single second of time we get together and make it special. Then maybe we will be able to get back on the same page.

Thanks again.

Love Val

Susannah · 10-14-2004, 10:38 AM

We have another date tomorrow night. I think we just need to take every single second of time we get together and make it special. Then maybe we will be able to get back on the same page. Thanks again.

Love Val
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I love success stories!! As far as your dh's obnoxious actions, could it be his way of stimulating, even though it is going overboard, interaction between the two of you? People require 100% of attention everyday. If they recieve 70%, they will seek out the other 30% even if it is negative. My dh does some of those things as well and I don't always WANT to be positive in dealing with it. For crying out loud, HE IS AN ADULT! However, men can and do, revert back to being boys at times. I just wish that I could allow myself to be a little girl!! LOL!!