amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

thrrrnbush · 09-28-2004, 01:38 PM

I am basically failing miserably. I seem to be able to take care of the kids, or the house, or the biz, or the pets, or the marriage or... but never and. I know I need help, but I don't know that I have any available.

Most of the advice I get seems to boil down to wait it out and/or give up your ideals. My husband says I should use disposable (diapers, plates, napkins, flatware, cleaning products, etc.) to lighten my housework burden and is fine with meals straight out of the box or can. My aunt says to go back to work, put the kids in daycare, and then they won't be destroying the house all day and I'll have the money to pamper myself as needed. My in-laws tell me the kids will go to school soon and I'll catch up then, assuming I give up my ridiculous homeschooling plan. Neighbors and friends tell me to make my husband do more but no one seems to know how. His general take on our partnership lately is that he gave at the office. He earns the money I do everything else and of course if I'd just give up all of my ideals I could get it done.

Are they all right? Is it unrealistic to want to practice natural parenting, in the home, with minimal environmental impact, well cared for pets, nutritious meals, a meaningful home-based biz and no help? Should I just accept that at this stage in my life, when my children are paying the most attention to who I am, I can't practice what I preach?

Sorry about that. Put the rant down, ma'am. Now back away, slowly.

What I'm really asking is for any advice on how to be more efficiently crunchy and/or find help where I don't think I have any. I don't want to give up my ideals, but the example of their failing isn't exactly furthering my cause(s).

Things are getting better, but not fast enough to ignore the extent to which it's all fallen apart in the past year or two.

Any help, advice, sympathy, and/or humor on the subject will be appreciated.

Thanks,
Crystal

sahmmama · 09-28-2004, 02:47 PM

I feel the same way, mama. It's HARD to live up to your own ideals, especially when they don't seem to be shared by your partner.

Something that helps me (sometimes) is to write down WHAT my goals/ideals are and WHY they are important to me. I'll also add HOW I plan to achieive them if I have ideas about that and time to put them in writing, lol.

Like if my goal is to make healthier/organic meals. I'll write that down...WHY? Well, for me, I know that what we eat is the fuel that our bodies need to run well, and I want to make sure we eat the best that we can. I also choose to purchase organic when I can b/c I want to support the organic farmers - plus, our grocery store is small and I'm afraid that if I quit buying organic, they'll quite ordering it and then I won't have a choice about it! Oh, and HOW I'm gonna do it....for me, I need to have a meal plan and stick to it. So I make my weekly meal plan, shop for that meal plan and cook it. If I think "Oh, I'll just do it as I go", I get lazy and we end up eating crap b/c I don't wanna cook at the end of the day.

I often have to make myself a schedule - daily, weekly, monthly - to make sure I remember and am accountable for what I want to be doing (I'm thinking in terms of housework, here). So my daily list will include straightening/cleaning one room a day, a 30-minute pick-up at the end of the day, loading/unloading the dishwasher, prepping food for supper, etc. My weekly list will have "Saturday chores" (like dusting, washing sheets and towels, litter boxes, etc), and sort of a general recap of my daily lists for that week (just to make sure I've done everything - if I miss something one day, I can catch it on Saturday). My monthly lists will have big stuff on them....like if I need to clean out a closet or re-organize something, I'll put it on my monthly list and then as I make my weekly and daily lists, I'll try to find a spot where it fits.

My DH "helps" by playing with DS while I'm cooking supper or on Saturday mornings while I'm doing my Saturday chores. Sometimes, he'll chip in with some of the cleaning, but usually not. I've given up trying to get him to help me out - honestly, by the time I nag him into doing something, he does a half-a$$ job anyway and I end up having to redo it. I'd just rather do it myself while he spends some quality time with DS and have it done, yk?

It just always helps me to take a step back and look at my big picture....what is important to me, why, and how am I going to get it? And what is important to me may not be important to you, or to my neighbor....everyone has different priorities and lives.

HTH
Kinsey

KimberMama · 09-28-2004, 03:21 PM

First off, things will get easier when your children are a little older. Now that my children are 4 and 5 I have much more time to accomplish things (or to sit on my butt in front of the computer,LOL).

I put a priority on my activities. Homeschooling and making healthy meals are on top, laundry is next, housecleaning is at the bottom. Day to day the house generally needs to be picked up, but if we don't get to it it isn't the end of the world.

Each month I plan our meals. We eat fruits and vegetables, grains and whole grain breads, beans, and fish. The boys drink soymilk and DH and I drink water or tea. It's a simple diet but very healthy. Weekly I plan a grocery list and do the shopping. Doing this small amount of planning makes it very easy for me to make our meals.

To make things go faster in the kitchen I have a couple of appliances that I rely on. I use the rice maker for rice, quinoa, and other grains. I make enough for 3 or so days at a time, and we use the grains for dinners and lunches (mainly lunches). I make beans a couple of times a week in my pressure cooker. You can make these things ahead of time without these appliances, but it isn't as easy. I also cut veggies whenever I have a chance so there are ready to snack on or be made into meals.

My oldest is of kindergarten age, and my youngest is along for the ride. Right now we spend about an hour to an hour and a half on schooling each day. After lunch we sit down and do handwriting, then we move to letter recognition/phonics. We do a math activity. Some days we do a science experiment or cover safety issues. Occasionally we paint. In addition, we have a daily tea time where I read stories out loud to them.

I have a housecleaner, so some of the basic chores are off my plate. The reason I have her is that DH didn't want to pitch in with the weekly cleaning. That's fine. I still have to do all of the picking up and the deep cleaning (baseboards, ceiling fans, etc.).

DH is a reluctant helper. If I start picking up after the boys are in bed he'll probably help me out of guilt. If I am making dinner he doesn't volunteer to help, but will make a salad or set the table if I ask him. If I plop a load of laundry down in front of him while he's watching TV he'll help fold it. That same load of laundry sitting in our bedroom would go untouched for days. To his credit, he does help with the dishes daily, after each meal.

I do 1-2 loads of laundry a day. One of clothing, and one of household laundry (towels, sheeets, etc.). I was trying to do a full day of laundry twice a week but I always ended up overwhelmed.

We have one dog, and she gets the short end of the stick a lot of times. Now that it is cooling down the boys and I will try to take her for a walk daily. It serves many purposes; it gets her out of the house, it gets everyone some exercise, and it counts as nature study!

I don't have a home business, so I don't know how to help you there. Maybe in the future...

Peace,

Kimberly

~Denise~ · 09-28-2004, 04:45 PM

I faced that many times. I also run a home business, I offer pet sitting services for clients with medically ill or needy pets. It gets hard to balance it all. I have often thought about quitting that, the work, but we do depend somewhat on the money, and I do enjoy it....when not overwhelmed. So I decided to cut down. Not take on as many, learn to say no. It was and is hard though. I also learned not to feel guilty when I *am* busy and do need to use convenience items. If it saves my sanity and is a once in a while thing, it's worth it to me. I just try and make those choices better. Like fast food would be fast and quick and easy on those busy days....but not healthy. And then I'd feel guilty, etc. So I instead will buy more costly convenience healthy foods....and know that it's only "for now" and still healthy. It's amazing how things like already cut up veggies help, already made hummus, pita squares, all natural granola bars, etc. I also had to make some sacrifices on other things....from making my own cleaners to laundry soap....just not practical right now. I don't have the time. So I buy more earth friendly ones and feel fine about that. It also helped to really sit down and think about my priorities....and my number one was my kids and family. I'd rather sacrifice other things, including money, if it helps better them and our life. Kwim? It's all about balance imo, and truly I don't any one person can ever say they always feel balanced and do all they feel is important. It's just about striving to in a balanced way imo.

For me, looking at your list, I'd say if it was me? I'd need to cut out or severely down on the home business. Plastic plates or paper, etc. are all spendy and bad for the earth.....so perhaps using those would mean working more, to pay for them? Kwim? I think I'd sit down and decide what is important to you. Make your list of all your issues, from cloth diapering to homeschooling to cooking healthy....list them in order of importance to you. You can't do and be it all, but you can make choices to help do the things that are most important. You can always run a home business later on, when the kids are older...or perhaps you will realize it can't be done with also homeschooling, cooking healthy, etc.

Good luck.

ThirtySomething · 09-29-2004, 01:16 AM

I can actually help!

Step 1: Cut yourself some slack

Step 2: http://www.creativekidsathome.com/motivatedmoms.shtml
(saved my life! I'm a three-time fly lady drop out. She just e-mails me too darn much!)

Step 3:
Consider hiring someone. If I had known what a $$ return an employee would have brought me earlier, I would have hired her much earlier. I had it in my mind that I would be *splitting* my profit with her. In truth, she takes her portion and I keep the same since overall we are more productive. If you don't hire someone for your business, consider a mothers helper OR a housecleaner a few times per month. I promise that even though it seems like more $$, you will make that up by devoting your time to the other things.

Step 4:
Keep it all in perspective. Rank your priorities and stick with them.

Take care!

Ariadne Umbrell · 09-29-2004, 11:33 PM

This sounds obsessive, but it's really helped some people. For a week, or two, every fifteen minutes write down what you are doing. My friend did this, and then sat down with her dh, and showed him her list. It shocked the hell out of him. Literally.

What you are doing is called the second shift. Economists and sociologists make livings studying what you are doing, and the near state of burnout you are in. There is even a book titled "The Second Shift."

You might want to read some stuff from before WW2, when the ideology of the serene home comes from. The serene home was clean once a week, at most- on visiting day. People had maids. Normal, middle- class people had maids. You had to be poor to do it all yourself.

If your husband sincerely believes that he is to work eight hours, and then get served like a pasha, and live in hotel your house, he needs to be paying as if he were: ie- hire a maid. Let you have vacations. Even maids at hotels get to go home. You are permanently stuck at work, with no downtime. Can you take a weekend retreat?

Some of this is idealistic: I can't, even if I think I need it.

Little Women, or Little Men, I can't remember, - int he 1870's!!!!!had a lecture in it, for one of the new fathers, saying " Hey, you need to help your wife- it's your house and family, too!"

Having said all this, my husband thinks I am a defective wife and housekeeper, b/c I will leave dishes for three days, until he breaks down and puts them in the dishwasher. And I don't read to the kids at night- he has to.

amyorama · 09-30-2004, 06:39 AM

(I think all the suggestions her are great, BTW.) I'm not a WAHM, but I completely understand all the advice you're getting. I get overwhelmed thinking about other people's point of view. So, this what what I am telling myself: Do what works for you right now. FOr instance, my kids had boxed cereal for breakfast, frozen chicken nuggets and mac and cheese from a box for lunch and canned soup and grilled cheese made with processed cheese food for dinner. (They did have cut up fruit and veggies too.) Point being, normally I would feel bad about giving my kids such overly processed foods, and what a bad mom I was but on 3 hours of sleep, you do the best you can and my best yesterday was from a box, lol.

Take care of yourself!

knittingmomma · 09-30-2004, 09:31 AM

With five children ages 10 down to 5 months, homeschooling, work at home business, trying to be environmentally conscious (cloth everything - except toilet paper), etc...organic eating, making from scratch.
Try adding one thing at a time - don't do it all at once.
Even with homeschooling, we only add one new routine at a time.

Try just making pancake mix from scratch to start - it becomes a cinch once you are used to it....

Made a cleaner from scratch - just one - then eliminate another - just one thing at a time -

Let some things go - the car may be dirty, etc...

Love, Live and Learn!!
Warm wishes,
Tonya
Simple LIving, Home Educating, Mom of 5
Natural Earth Family Farm and Fiber Studio

BlueRoseMama · 09-30-2004, 12:20 PM

Great suggestions. And it is true about what Ari said... most had maids and those who didn't and couldn't keep up were diagnosed "unwomanly" and were put on meds. Freud also came in at this time (about 1920's so I guess that is WW1), and this was a lot of the strife that the home mother was dealing with. Although he talks much about the psychie of a man, most of his actual dealings were with depressed women. lol... He prescribed drugs all the time for "unwomanly" features such as wanting to go to work, being upset by an overbearing (read: abusive) husband, and not wanting to have any more children (regardless of how many were already in the household).

There has never been a time when there were more depressed women than in the late 1940's, and this time was and will be forever discribed in history as 'a time of leasure and growth'. Um yeah... for the men maybe.

I would stick to the everyday. Are you organized or value that? (And be realistic, because becoming that way if you are not is harder than getting your ducks back in a row when you have a natural nack for it) Are you interested in starting a plan, such as cook for the month, housecleaning journal, or a motivated moms? These can do wonders for some people and just add to the stress of others.

What I am saying mainly is that you have to list your priorities and do what you can with what you have to work with. I always thought I would homeschool. Then I was left alone with no real help for over 2 years and I am SO glad that choice was taken from me by my son wanting to go to school. I was upset at the time.... but now I think it saved me guilt about mild child abuse... really.

With that said I am off to clean my house and make applesauce today. With my kids happily in school.

Love Val

kandemama · 10-03-2004, 12:35 AM

Maybe there is a neighborhood teen that would like to work a few hours a week as a mothers helper? She/he could play with the kids so you could have time to work on the home business or other things that are difficult to get done with the kids underfoot?

Also, your kids will probably remember all the wonderful moments you spent with them growing up, not whether or not the house was a mess.

Ariadne Umbrell · 10-07-2004, 10:32 PM

MMMM. be careful if you choose the messy house approach. The neighborhood standards committee could get their panties in a twist. ( Voice of sad and bitter experience.)

chococat · 10-08-2004, 01:47 AM

I am not sure I can offer any sound advice this week as I am emotionally just trying to follow my own advice that I always dish out and keep afloat. But I can offer a warm BTdoingT.

You know, there is only room for so much and then something has to go, the trick to learn to balance back and forth between them all, giving and taking to find the happy medium.

The best you can hope for is to do the best that you can do, all day long, every waking hour, knowing full well that you gave life 100% toward your ideals and goals, and then just push forward to the next day, all the while not looking back at the yesterday. We all have it in us, the strength that is. I hope you find yours.