amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

EmoMom · 01-07-2007, 01:27 PM

This might get long. I should probably put it in Serious Discussions, but my mood is so INTENSE that I'm wondering if it's something to do with hormones. I had my TAH in 2004 and then both ovaries were removed in 2005. A few months after the oophrectomy(?) I was at my gyn and told him that I was miserable and that I was seriously thinking about leaving my husband. He was all like, "Oh, no, no ... wait until we've got this straightened out." I don't know if it ever got straightened out. I wear a Vivelle Dot patch and that's it. And during the phase after the TAH, I was taking ALL KINDS of drugs (Ambien, Lexapro, Klonopin, etc. etc. etc.) because the hyst was a result of a miscarriage -- I had two second trimester miscarriages in one year, so I was kind of a mess.

Anyway, I quit taking ALL the medication during the summer. I had to wean very slowly off the Lexapro and I only just have been completely without it. I do still take Klonopin occasionally to help me get to sleep, but that's it. Except for Synthroid and the patch. And I hate my husband. I hate him a lot. If I had somewhere to go, I would be so gone. I feel like the loneliest person on the planet.

And then I start mind-f*cking myself. Is my thyroid off? Do I need to see the gyn about my hormones? Do I need antidepressants? And then I think that if it TAKES those things to make me ABLE to continue to endure a situation that I find horrible, why would I take them? I mean, I'm sure if I go ask the doctor for antidepressants, I can get right back on them. And then I can just keep sleepwalking through life.

I guess I just needed to get that out there so I could put these feelings into words. I see myself in a small house or apartment and it is just the most wonderful and hopeful daydream. And then I look around at where I am and I just feel completely desperate. I don't know what to do.

freedomlover · 01-07-2007, 02:46 PM

consider doing some individual therapy.

I would meet with three counselors from different practices and tell them you are trying to see if they would be a good fit for you.

Choose the therapist who seems most in sync with what is on your mind and seems most likely to help you figure this out.

What you are feeling is complex. It is obviously multi faceted......the gynacological issues you have been through. Your marital relationship has culminated into a negative place. You long for freedom to live simply.

You need to unknot the threads to see where you truly are at.

Shifra · 01-15-2007, 06:40 PM

Just started reading here- Kinda heading down the change path-
Just wanted to send you some feel good energy-
I am not sure we ever REALLLLLLY know anything- You must do what is right for all involved- that includes you.

organicmama · 01-18-2007, 05:33 PM

Mary, I an a little bit the same as you and I feel soemtimes like a trapped animal being married.
So we started counseling a week ago.
This week we had 3 sessions and from now on out it will be once a week unless things are way bad.
I know how you feel. My husband does not deserve me to hate him, but sometimes I am stressed the second he walks in the door.

I noticed that the beginning of my herbalism studies, many women discussed being single again adn I thought, "How could you leave a man you have been with X amount of years just because you are going through menopause?"

AHHHH...I think I understand now....lol

Have you ever been to counseling, Mary?
Freedom lover had a good idea

How are you today....it was almost 2 weeks ago when you posted.

EmoMom · 01-18-2007, 07:26 PM

Oh my goodness -- your daughter is really GROWING. And it's a GIRL!!! Yippee!!!

I'm about the same. It's been hard to make a lot of progress because I've been SICK since last Wednesday. Finally went to the doctor today and it's severe allergies and a sinus infection. Whatever it is, it's gone on plenty long enough. Hopefully, my new drugs will get me back on track.

Today I called and made an appointment with a hormone specialist. He's the man who did my second surgery and I really love him. I couldn't BELIEVE I was actually able to get in with him so soon -- I get to go on the 29th. Until then ...

I do need to go to counseling and we have better insurance than we used to. I had gone go counseling to help cope with the loss of the baby and the subsequent loss of my uterus, but it kinda petered out. DH and I also attended marriage counseling together once. We would REALLY need to find the right person. I came an inch away from getting my Masters in Counseling (I quit in the middle of the prepracticum because I refused to use Rogerian theory -- go figure), so I tend to be overly cynical. The guy DH and I saw had us fill in the blanks on all these little cards and I was just like ... whatever. It's not that we don't KNOW each other, it's that we don't LIKE each other.

The other crummy part about my professional life before DD's birth is that I KNOW practically all the counselors around here on some sort of personal/professional level. The one I really liked actually retired about 10 years ago. I think I'll ask my hormone doctor for some referrals. If all else fails, maybe I'll just turn to the yellow pages and go out of town.

I'm so bored with my life right now. It's just the same ol' same ol' ALL THE TIME. Is this what it means to be middle-aged? I hate it.

Adria · 01-18-2007, 07:51 PM

I hope you are able to find peace.

organicmama · 01-19-2007, 01:54 PM

Gosh Mary....tough situation isn't it.

I wonder if it is a middle age thing....I am so sorry you are struggling....it is hard..I know.

And I bet a good part of it is your healthy struggles.

Think positive. graps the good in your life Mary becuase that is what is going to get you through.

Keep us posted