amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

lala · 07-22-2008, 03:15 AM

I am nominating my 9 year old as a "tween" or whatever because I need the advice like, 3 months ago.

I took a parenting class. Very little has it helped my situation.

I share custody.

We recently moved, and the kids' dad is very much against the move and I believe (but no proof) that he is filling the kids' heads with b.s. about how awful this move is. (he has control issues).

My 9 year old is frustrated about something. Actually, both of them are, J is nearly 6. But my 9 year old, U, is so so dramatic about it all.

She yells I hate you, I want a new family, I hate my sister.....awful things.

She has started kicking me too, well, trying to. Slamming doors and trashing rooms. Violent.
I don't slap, I don't hit.

Her timeout room is now the bathroom and it is becoming a familar room for her.

I would really like to avoid counseling if possible. How on Earth do I get to the botom of this??

Thanks.

Katie · 07-22-2008, 03:35 AM

Well, first I'd try to break through that protective wall she's building by validating her fears and anxiety about moving. Will she be switching schools, having to make new friends, gaining or losing bedroom space, traveling more for visitations?

Does she have a bat-phone directly to you and to dad? Can she easily call the other parent, privately? sometimes you need your daddy and sometimes you need your mama. Both should be at the ready for her.

I'd work in a chat about becoming a young woman too,if you haven't already. Not the whole shebang but maybe the highlights, growing up, more responsibility, emotional changes and needs...needing her maturity and help with the little one while life changes.

Reassuring her that you really are working to make life better for her and including her in on (a few of) the struggles and work and rewards of going for the gusto.

But none of that through a slammed door...maybe in the car on the way to a favorite hiking spot.

Over the years, I've had to apologized to my oldest a handful of times for no other reason than he's the oldest. Letting him know that i'm bound to make more parenting mistakes with him than I am with the others because he's my first. But reassuring him that I do try, that my motivation is ALWAYS for his very best interest and I am very much aware that I may still be screwing up. Every time I've done this, he's instantly softened and opened up to me.