Mamas with Teens and PreteensOh dear- the eye rolling, the attitude, the whines of 'OH MOM'... hormones? just a phase? being a teen is tough- being the mama of one is tougher...
Our son, who is 17 yrs old, has his first girlfriend. He has not felt they (girls) were worth cutting into his time before he met this one.
We've always been very realistic and open with him about life, sex, relationships etc..etc..
We bought some condoms today and I'm just going to put them in his bedroom and mention it.
If you have older teens, what have you done?
I can say I'm really glad we've always been really open about this topic. I am not of the mentality that if we don't talk about sex, and tell him not to do it, that he won't do it....that is how we get teenaged parents IMHO. (and his cousin who is only one year older just got a 15 year old pregnant!!! There goes all his plans.....really sad situation)
Anyway, how did you handle the topic? My girls are still not even interested in boys. (age 14 and age 12) But we are raising them the same with the open communication.
Michelle
__________________ "If it (salvation) is based solely on following rules, then it isn't grace via faith in Jesus Christ"
It sounds like a good plan to me. Since you say you already have open communication, then you have probably covered these topics, but the important things I want to impart to my son are that
1) NO MEANS NO, always, no matter when it is said, and even "maybe" or "I don't know" isn't a YES. I am going to be pretty blunt with my son - if you coerce or force someone, it is rape, even if they eventually capitulate - if they felt forced into it, you can be charged, not to mention it is morally wrong of course. So that is going to be clear as crystal.
2)I want to discuss with him also that women can view sex differently than men, especially teenage girls. I know it is a stereotype to say that boys don't have emotion tied to it, so I won't say that, but I think for girls on average, they are more emotional and want comittment more etc. So I would encourage him to talk to her if they are thinking about it and make sure they both know what it means to the other, to avoid hurt feelings and heartaches later on.
3) I would want to make sure he knows to use protection EVERY time, that condoms and every other method can and do fail. Those 96% or 98% effectiveness ratings on bc are when it was used perfectly 100% of the time and it STILL failed. Stress the importance of understanding that he still could get someone pregnant or get an STD, so he must weigh that decision before having sex. He should also NEVER trust a girl that she is on the pill or has otherwise taken care of the bc (she could be lying or using it incorrectly, and it will NOT protect him against STD's of course).
4)I would stress the importance of not drinking or using drugs, and one reason is, they can impair decision making about using bc and having sex, when he may not have wanted to.
5)I would say, I would 100 times rather you be having sex and using protection EVERY time without exception, even if you need me to buy it for you, than for you to be afraid to ask me, and get someone pregnant or get an std.
6) I would probably have a demo with a condoms and a bannana and have my son show me how to put it on properly, leaving enough room in the tip etc.. Sounds embarrassing, but I will do it. During this little demo I would go over other rules of use, like never reusing one (even if it slips off during sex, get out a new one), how the pullout method doesn't work, how preseminal fluid can have sperm etc.
well done i think youve done the right thing,, my eldest is 15 and still boyfriend free when things change i would have no problem getting her the pill,, i hope this wont be for some time yet
very good practical discussion starters mamajosie.
I've always been very open in discussion sex and birth control, however, I have not been explicit like above. Now I can see that if I don't give them that information, there's no guarantee they'd know that information. Time for some talks this week!
It sounds like a good plan to me. Since you say you already have open communication, then you have probably covered these topics, but the important things I want to impart to my son are that
1) NO MEANS NO, always, no matter when it is said, and even "maybe" or "I don't know" isn't a YES. I am going to be pretty blunt with my son - if you coerce or force someone, it is rape, even if they eventually capitulate - if they felt forced into it, you can be charged, not to mention it is morally wrong of course. So that is going to be clear as crystal.
2)I want to discuss with him also that women can view sex differently than men, especially teenage girls. I know it is a stereotype to say that boys don't have emotion tied to it, so I won't say that, but I think for girls on average, they are more emotional and want comittment more etc. So I would encourage him to talk to her if they are thinking about it and make sure they both know what it means to the other, to avoid hurt feelings and heartaches later on.
3) I would want to make sure he knows to use protection EVERY time, that condoms and every other method can and do fail. Those 96% or 98% effectiveness ratings on bc are when it was used perfectly 100% of the time and it STILL failed. Stress the importance of understanding that he still could get someone pregnant or get an STD, so he must weigh that decision before having sex. He should also NEVER trust a girl that she is on the pill or has otherwise taken care of the bc (she could be lying or using it incorrectly, and it will NOT protect him against STD's of course).
4)I would stress the importance of not drinking or using drugs, and one reason is, they can impair decision making about using bc and having sex, when he may not have wanted to.
5)I would say, I would 100 times rather you be having sex and using protection EVERY time without exception, even if you need me to buy it for you, than for you to be afraid to ask me, and get someone pregnant or get an std.
6) I would probably have a demo with a condoms and a bannana and have my son show me how to put it on properly, leaving enough room in the tip etc.. Sounds embarrassing, but I will do it. During this little demo I would go over other rules of use, like never reusing one (even if it slips off during sex, get out a new one), how the pullout method doesn't work, how preseminal fluid can have sperm etc.
Location: True health flows from loving relationships, good food, time spent in nature, daily hugs, inner work, meaningful work and breathing thankfully for the richness of this life.-Kate Gilday
Posts: 22,735
With all of my children, yes! We talk. (well not the littles yet)
Josie has great advice and the same I ahve talked to my kids.
At first, when I discussed serious matters with my son, he was very embarrassed. NOW it is ok and he can handle it. If a real life situation comes into play with someone we know, I use it as a learning tool to talk to him so he understands.
I admire you Michelle that even though you are of strong faith, you consider everything for the well being of your sons and daughters.
Most folks of strong faith that I have known wont even aknowledge sex to be an issue with the children, much less go a step more and consider birth control.
dj lost his virginity a few mos ago and is still with the young womyn. we keep a basket of condoms by the garage door (which is how we enter/exit from our house) that he can easily grab on his way out.
the basket is also made available to his friends, at any point in time, with no questions asked (i grew tired of 9/10/11pm phone calls from his friends/girlfriends who were iso a condom to have sex).
i stock it monthly, and always buy whatever's on sale, to assure there's a variation in selection
I don't really have anything to add to this thread...my kids are all still pretty young, and I'll cross those bridges when I come to them (great advice here though!).
I do, however, have a bag of perfectly good condoms (dh got snipped last year so we don't need them) and if anyone would like them, pm me and send me a few bucks for postage!
__________________
Wendy
Mommy to Lucas 3-18-99 , Ethan 3-1-02 and Olivia 8-14-05
~My actions are dictated by the phase of the moon~
I love MamaJosie's advice. Very thorough. We had my nephew living w/ us from 14-18 and we were pretty open but did not have as good of communication as I would have liked. I don't think you can emphasize enough that no birth control is 100% and you are taking a risk each and every time. My mom always told me that abstaining is the only bc that is 100% and that really affected my decisions. Not that it is really reasonable for teens but it is good to think about. It is so difficult how we are wired from a pretty young age (at least for our current culture) to be sexually active but it can have such ramifications that just aren't conducive to the way we live right now.
I was never quite sure how i felt about putting my kids on birth control but now that my SD who is moving down here as i type has had a baby at 16 I defiently think it is a lot more preferable than a baby. Of course I have talked numerous times to my girls about sex and abstaining. Heck we were just talking about it at church today,lol, not as a sermon but we were talking about how Kayla is moving down here with a friend of mine at church and the girls got to asking questions and so my convo with them defientlyinvolved waiting etc etc. because as Ive said to the girls before not having sex is the only way to be sure they dont have a baby too early and when they are ready to have kids of their own they will want to provide everything for that baby and give it a good life and they cant do that if they dont have their education first.
My girls do know that if they do decide to have sex and they get pregnant we wont turn them out but we have stressed that waiting is the best.
__________________
They sure grow up quick dont they?
Mom of 4 wonderful kids who do their best to drive me crazy one minute and amaze me the next.
Just wanted to add that I think its only fair to let your children know (especially females) that the birth control pill (and implants, Depo & rings) are all abortifacient*. I did not know this when I went on the pill at age 21. I still grieve the loss of the babies I inadvertently killed during the years I was on the pill & Depo.
*Hormonal birth control doesn't always prevent ovulation. Its secondary "line of defense" is preventing implantation, therefore the baby is aborted. This happens more than most people think it does.
Just something to add into the conversation since we are being honest with our children. Not to mention that hormonal birth control offers ZERO protection from STDs. The Pill offers a false sense of safety for too many teens.
__________________
~Tiffany,
SAHM to Ryan ('98), Alex ('99) & Caroline (11/7/07)
and loving wife to Dave (12/06)
Just wanted to add that I think its only fair to let your children know (especially females) that the birth control pill (and implants, Depo & rings) are all abortifacient*. I did not know this when I went on the pill at age 21. I still grieve the loss of the babies I inadvertently killed during the years I was on the pill & Depo.
*Hormonal birth control doesn't always prevent ovulation. Its secondary "line of defense" is preventing implantation, therefore the baby is aborted. This happens more than most people think it does.
Just something to add into the conversation since we are being honest with our children. Not to mention that hormonal birth control offers ZERO protection from STDs. The Pill offers a false sense of safety for too many teens.
I wish I had known that when I was young and on the pill.
__________________
Laura
Mom to Steven (7/23/93), Elizabeth (12/15/95), Madelyn
(12/11/98) and Caroline (2/25/02)
Wife, mom, lactivist, heirloom seamstress and nursing student (ADN class of 2008)
Huh, doesn't bother me a bit to know that. I'd rather a fertilized egg not implant than have had a baby in my teens or while in college. And I feel the same way about my daughters.
Huh, doesn't bother me a bit to know that. I'd rather a fertilized egg not implant than have had a baby in my teens or while in college. And I feel the same way about my daughters.
That's not the point, the point is that they (our children) actually know what they are taking and what it really does rather than just think it "prevents pregnancy", because later in life they might be upset to find out the truth about the pill.
I took the pill to regulate my period when i was a teen, of course i took that as a great opportunity to have sex freely (and ended up with HepB) and then found out years later that I killed babies and it's not a nice feeling. I felt cheated by my doctor who didn't tell me that aspect of the pill.
__________________
Maman to Vidura, 08/24/02, Vedavati, 09/10/06 and wife to Anadi.
(and his cousin who is only one year older just got a 15 year old pregnant!!! There goes all his plans.....really sad situation)
to Ryan ('98), Alex ('99) & Caroline (11/7/07) 
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