Mamas with Teens and PreteensOh dear- the eye rolling, the attitude, the whines of 'OH MOM'... hormones? just a phase? being a teen is tough- being the mama of one is tougher...
Location: somewhere between complete exhaustion and utter euphoria
Posts: 5,883
I have conflicting feelings on sex prior to marriage. On one hand, I see my children being very much like me and having deep attachments quickly. Already, they are getting hurt. I spent a tormented childhood because of my inclination to form deep attachments to those that did not reciprocate.
However, I also see friends who did not "sleep around" prior to marriage and are now in sexless marriages or in ones that sex is a chore because it is uninspiring or lacks fun. They are just not suited to each other. I would hate that for my children.
I think an open discussion about masturbation should be done with conversations on birth control. There has been many a time when DH and I have made it through periods where sex was not an option by masturbating, either together or alone. And, we do need to be open about all birth control and its failure rates and side effects. After using condoms for years before we were ready for children, I am glad our condom failure came later in our marriage. But, it did not come without consequences. Our children need to know that we still face these issues. Perhaps they can work on better options for us.
I also take issue with the statement that non-Christians do not teach their children morals. That is a broad generalization. IME, just as many Christians are not teaching their children morals.
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Michelle
-- Mom to Beth, 11 and Sam, 8
I also take issue with the statement that non-Christians do not teach their children morals. That is a broad generalization. IME, just as many Christians are not teaching their children morals.
i don't think anyone said that -- there's no way i am going to go back thru 14 pgs to find out -- but when *i* have referred to morals or values on this thread, i should have specified *Christ-like* morals and values (won't even say "Christian" because that is a term that is loosely thrown around, imo). and to your last statement, i have no knowledge of the Christians you are referring to, so i cannot comment.
Aren't you in Statesville? My Dh is the head football coach at North Iredell! We are looking to move there from Davie County if he stays there long term. Hey....you never know! Could work out!
Yep! My kids go to the excellent charter school here in town! You guys should TOTALLY move here! Either way, you guys aren't far away!!!!
I just want to bring up one point that I haven't seen discussed here and that is expectations. Those who have no problem with their kids having sex at early ages seemingly have the expectation that they will "do it anyway". In this and prior discussions, it has been mentioned that talks with the children about sex and birth control seem to center upon this, "they'll do it anyway" mentality.
Doesn't anyone see this as problematic? If I tell my son to not worry about his math grade because "you'll fail anyway" or if I tell him not to worry about the party he is going to because I know, "you'll drink anyway" then am I not setting this child up to fail? Am I not, in effect, giving him my stamp of approval and telling him that he is not strong enough to control himself and resist peer pressures? What kind of message is this?
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Look mom, I can fly!
All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: The US will not ignore your oppression or excuse your oppressor.
George W. Bush
January 2, 2005
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I just want to bring up one point that I haven't seen discussed here and that is expectations. Those who have no problem with their kids having sex at early ages seemingly have the expectation that they will "do it anyway". In this and prior discussions, it has been mentioned that talks with the children about sex and birth control seem to center upon this, "they'll do it anyway" mentality.
Doesn't anyone see this as problematic? If I tell my son to not worry about his math grade because "you'll fail anyway" or if I tell him not to worry about the party he is going to because I know, "you'll drink anyway" then am I not setting this child up to fail? Am I not, in effect, giving him my stamp of approval and telling him that he is not strong enough to control himself and resist peer pressures? What kind of message is this?
Okay, this seems to be a theme that I have a hard time with. I hardly think that those who believe it is in the realm of possibility for their children to have sex as teens, are okay with sex at an early age, or even expect it. From my perspective, it is a possibility, therefore, I must make sure that my children are aware of ways to protect themselves, consequences of sex (bad and good), and why it is important to wait (morally, spiritually, emotionally and for health reasons). It is absolutely NOT that I am encouraging it. I do hope that my children wait, and I will encourage and expect that, while making sure they are aware of how to protect themselves. However, statistics show that the vast majority of teens will have had a sexual encounter before they graduate from high school. These are my experiences AS A PREACHER'S DAUGHTER in rural, bible belt America, no less. I am not encouraging my children to have sex, and I resent the fact I am thought of as okay with or encouraging of risky behavior just because I choose to make sure my children know how to protect themselves.
We all approach this parenting thing differently, and there is no one right way to do it, and no proven way to keep our children from making mistakes. All I can do is my best to make sure that my children are armed with the information they need to make good decisions, even if I don't approve.
And I also want to say that my oldest is only 10, so I reserve the right to lock her up when she is 16.
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Angela - Mom to Hailey 1.6.97 & Madelaine 5.5.98 & Anna Grace 6.21.04 & Emma Claire 9.2.08
I definitely think that many kids my age and older (and maybe younger, too), were done a disservice by parents who were very strict on "wait until marriage". It was given as "don't have sex! Stay away from sex! You might get pregnant! You might get an STD! Don't have sex!" You know, scare tactics, no real discussion.
And the reality is--even when you're a teenager, you are often faced with very real desires. SEX FEELS GOOD. It's true! I was never really told that. I knew I would wait until marriage (and I did!), but I really thought just planning to wait would be enough. I didn't realize I would really want to have sex so much, particularly with my now-DH, whom I dated for 3 years before we got married. (who also waited until marriage!)
In my college years, I vowed that my discussions with my teens, with any teens, would be a lot more real than just "don't have sex!" More about how you'd really want to have sex, especially if it was with someone you loved. But that there are plenty of ways to express that love, and sex before marriage is not without consequences. Sure, pregnancy and STDs are some of them. But there are also emotional issues I want my kids to consider. And of course, as Christians we believe that sex is not only recreational, but it is a joining of two people to one.
We will raise our boys with the expectation of waiting for marriage--we did, after all. But I do know that kids will also make their own choices, and I will not disown or reject my kids if they do have sex before marriage. I really do hope that they will have really made thoughtful decisions, though, because of open dialogue that we have even now. I don't know how we'll handle birth control/condoms and the discussion of them. Our boys are still so young, and I admit I haven't thought about that, yet.
I do find it kind of sad that so many think that waiting until marriage is a bad thing, or damaging. Perhaps it isn't/wasn't your choice. Perhaps your kids will choose otherwise. I'm fine with that. However, that doesn't negate that someone else's choice is very valid for them. My DH and I are not repressed sexually. We are very close, and enjoy each other greatly. Sex is very healing in our relationship, as well as feeling good I do not regret my choices at all; in fact, I remain so glad that my DH and I have never had another partner.
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Heather
Birthday boy eating birthday pancakes. Happy 7th to Erik! My blog
I agree with the whole expectation thing. I have the expectation that my kids are smart and have the ability to think things through more than "sex is bad - don't do it". We've had tons of talks about dating and sex - very frank conversations - and I have full faith in my girls to wait until they're married. They have friends around them with the same standards and so don't feel like "weirdos" for wanting to wait. Of course they are teased at school, but that's OK. They're going to save that wonderful gift to open on their wedding night and there is something really wonderful about that. As I've said, my DH was my only love - not just the only man I have had sex with - and I know that I'm the only one for him too. We've instilled a vision into our girls of what is waiting for them if they wait until their wedding night - and they've taken that vision as their own. My girls have even already written letters to their future husbands, which I think is so cool!
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Ann
SAHM to 4 beautiful children Lauren ('90), Nicole ('92), Robert ('00) and Joanna ('02) and wife to Bob for 23 years.
Okay, this seems to be a theme that I have a hard time with. I hardly think that those who believe it is in the realm of possibility for their children to have sex as teens, are okay with sex at an early age, or even expect it.
I think the majority of us believe that it is well within the realm of possibility. That isn't really what I was addressing. I was addressing those who truly are ok with sex at an early age and who DO feel that is just a given that they will do it. They are on this thread and others here at Amity's. It is a sentiment I have heard many times over irl.
I believe that sometimes we give our kids so little credit and have such low expectations for them. We dread the teenage years because we are told that teenagers rebel, lie, have sex, drink and do drugs. We expect mood swings and confrontations. We expect that we will need to lock them in their rooms for 5 or 6 years. I am just saying that it doesn't need to be that way. Kids can be taught to both live up to your expectations as well as create them for themselves. They can be taught to have lofty goals while still knowing that you will love and support them even when they stumble.
Location: somewhere between complete exhaustion and utter euphoria
Posts: 5,883
Angela, you might want to rethink that date. I was a "good" girl and was sexually active before 16.
I think expectations are a lot. I expect my girls to wait until they are in a loving committed relationship. We will discuss in depth the meaning of that because when your hormones are screaming and your boyfriend is horney too, it may feel an awful lot like love.
I also think Dads play a HUGE role in this too. What part is he playing?
dj lost his virginity a few mos ago and is still with the young womyn. we keep a basket of condoms by the garage door (which is how we enter/exit from our house) that he can easily grab on his way out.
the basket is also made available to his friends, at any point in time, with no questions asked (i grew tired of 9/10/11pm phone calls from his friends/girlfriends who were iso a condom to have sex).
i stock it monthly, and always buy whatever's on sale, to assure there's a variation in selection
Have I told you today how much you rock? I think you are just the most understanding mom. I wish my mom had done something like this for me.
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Kate~ mama to Joshua 8, Camden 6, and Annabelle 3
wife to B who has loved me since we were 8
Okay, this seems to be a theme that I have a hard time with. I hardly think that those who believe it is in the realm of possibility for their children to have sex as teens, are okay with sex at an early age, or even expect it. From my perspective, it is a possibility, therefore, I must make sure that my children are aware of ways to protect themselves, consequences of sex (bad and good), and why it is important to wait (morally, spiritually, emotionally and for health reasons). It is absolutely NOT that I am encouraging it. I do hope that my children wait, and I will encourage and expect that, while making sure they are aware of how to protect themselves. However, statistics show that the vast majority of teens will have had a sexual encounter before they graduate from high school. These are my experiences AS A PREACHER'S DAUGHTER in rural, bible belt America, no less. I am not encouraging my children to have sex, and I resent the fact I am thought of as okay with or encouraging of risky behavior just because I choose to make sure my children know how to protect themselves.
We all approach this parenting thing differently, and there is no one right way to do it, and no proven way to keep our children from making mistakes. All I can do is my best to make sure that my children are armed with the information they need to make good decisions, even if I don't approve.
And I also want to say that my oldest is only 10, so I reserve the right to lock her up when she is 16.
Great post Angela and I'm ITA!!!!
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Wendy
Mommy to Lucas 3-18-99 , Ethan 3-1-02 and Olivia 8-14-05
~My actions are dictated by the phase of the moon~
I definitely think that many kids my age and older (and maybe younger, too), were done a disservice by parents who were very strict on "wait until marriage". It was given as "don't have sex! Stay away from sex! You might get pregnant! You might get an STD! Don't have sex!" You know, scare tactics, no real discussion.
My parents did this, and it did not work out as they planned. Once I got to college I went wild- all with no sense of self esteem. It was a complete disservice.
I may not have the same religious beliefs as you, but I do agree that you have to cover all aspects of sex in discussions. That 'don't do it' mentality with no further discussion does no good. Whether we want our children to wait until marrigae or not, we do want our children to love and respect themselves. We also want them to know the whys of what they are doing. Forbidding things works if we can absolutely control the situation. I would rather my girls know that they are special and deserve love and respect, no matter what. Hopefully having a strong sense of self and love for themselves will help them make the right decisions.
I lost my virginity (well, to a man, lol) to my dh before we got married. We were engaged. I was 23. I'm very glad I didn't wait until my wedding night. It hurt, I bled some, I was uncomfortable for a few days. Dh was very gentle, that wasn't an issue. Dh's only other experience was a disaster physically. They were sexually incompatible. They really liked each other but their sex life would probably not have been very satisfying. Losing my virginity was very special and tender, so was my wedding night. I got sweet and tender twice .
Location: somewhere between complete exhaustion and utter euphoria
Posts: 5,883
I have only ever had sex with DH but I was 15 when we started. I had the same expectations from my parents I have for my girls - committed relationship. It probably wasn't when we started having sex. It became that way later. I realize now that it was not at the point it should have been when we started having sex. The relationship should have been stronger. That is something I really want my girls to understand.
More on my comment about dads. I know research shows they play a huge part in both girl's and boy's perception of sex. Most of my reading has been about their effect on girls. They greatly influence their self-esteem which in turn plays a big part on when and why they choose to become sexually active. DH makes every effort to be fully involved in the girls' lives and they have developed hobbies together.
Another issue on my mind is studies are showing that many girls are becoming active in oral and . . . other sex (being polite on the open board) in lieu of intercourse to preserve their virginity. Neither forms of sex involves the threat of pregnancy so many are not using any form of protection, opening themselves up to STDs. How have you handled that conversation with your teen?
and Sam, 8 
-- but when *i* have referred to morals or values on this thread, i should have specified *Christ-like* morals and values (won't even say "Christian" because that is a term that is loosely thrown around, imo). and to your last statement, i have no knowledge of the Christians you are referring to, so i cannot comment. 
and a 
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