amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

SmartyMama · 05-08-2007, 10:51 AM

ok, after reading 10 pages I thought it was time for me to chime in. I *do* have 3 teens and so far none of them have been sexually active. My 17 y/o has had a few boyfriends here and there but she is very vocal about her desire to remain a virgin until she is in a fully committed relationship. She has the kind of friends that have no parental influence so I am kind of the person they "chat" with while they're here. We've had numerous discussions about sex and how they don't have any idea what they're doing at that age LOL. I am surprised at how many of her friends said that they are still virgins and want to stay that way. These kids tend to say "do yo know how many STD's are out there?!?" and "if I have a baby I will never get to college" but it seems that the STD issue is more on their mind.

I talk to my kids about sex all the time. I tell them that I don't expect them to stay pure until marriage but that I do expect them to fully understand the emotional and physical implications of a sexual relationship. My husband, who is the biggest prude of all, has had numerous discussion with our 15 y/o son about sex and the pitfalls of a sexual relationship at his age, but has also made it *very* clear that when that time comes he can and should come to DH and let him provide him with condoms. My kids openly ask questions about sex and relationships and I truly feel that when it's time to have the birth control talk that they will come to me. If not me, my sister has also made herself available to them.

Sunflower_Momma · 05-08-2007, 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4littlemonkeys

Because she is leaving them there for all to take and do as they please....WITHOUT ANY SEXUAL EDUCATION OR CONVERSATION.

There's the big difference.

but, there's no discussion or sexual education when there's a free basket of condoms at school or pp.

Just asking. Again, I have no idea, just really curious.

oh, and you don't have to yell.

Sunflower_Momma · 05-08-2007, 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AngelaJ

That is too funny! Did ya'll know what it meant?

many at school did. I did not. I have a very specific memory of the kids in my class laughing one day about it and I remember laughing too but not getting it. It wasn't until years later (I might even have been in college at the time) when the lightbulb went on

Vanity Fair · 05-08-2007, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunflower_Momma

Okay, another honest question: no matter how open and accepting one feels themself to be as a parent, what if one's child just does not feel comfortable coming to their parent for this information?

I'd like the benefit of the doubt from one parent to another. What my child SAYS to you and what is the fact (maybe they are just trying to get away with something and using "my mom and I can't talk" to do so) could be 2 different things.

All I am saying is that if my child is spending any amount of time at your house, you and I would at least have a phone-speaking or in person rapport and I expect to know if you are handing out birth control to my kids.

ETA: The bottom line for me is that if my children don't feel like they have the maturity to ask ME instead of some neighbor for condoms, they just aren't ready to be risking making major life changes (like having babies). Right or wrong, that is really how I feel about it.

annsni · 05-08-2007, 02:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vanity Fair

ETA: The bottom line for me is that if my children don't feel like they have the maturity to ask ME instead of some neighbor for condoms, they just aren't ready to be risking making major life changes (like having babies). Right or wrong, that is really how I feel about it.

That is EXACTLY how I feel about it - and I've told my girls that. If they're old enough to make the decision to have sex, they're mature enough to take care of things and discuss them in an adult manner. Sex is wonderful but that doesn't mean that when you're physically ready to have sex that you are mature enough to have sex.

jessica_momof7 · 05-08-2007, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vanity Fair

ETA: The bottom line for me is that if my children don't feel like they have the maturity to ask ME instead of some neighbor for condoms, they just aren't ready to be risking making major life changes (like having babies). Right or wrong, that is really how I feel about it.

I think that is a very good point.

Sunflower_Momma · 05-08-2007, 02:59 PM

Thank you all for your response. I was just wondering what other parents felt about this. Very helpful.

4littlemonkeys · 05-08-2007, 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunflower_Momma

but, there's no discussion or sexual education when there's a free basket of condoms at school or pp.

Just asking. Again, I have no idea, just really curious.

oh, and you don't have to yell.

The PP near me does not have a free basket out for all to help themselves to. The school does not have a basket either.

I wasn't meaning to yell. I bolded it because the question was asked a few times and most times the response has been that there is no education at Kas's house. There is education at PP and at school...if they should have a basket.

MamaMeo · 05-08-2007, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CincoDeMama

keep on keeping on, and we'll come back here in 15yrs & compare the notes we took during our kids' teen yrs, umkay?

one of mine just finished cleaning the kitchen, got dressed for an interview he has @ 4pm, and grabbed a condom out of the basket on his way out to see his gf

now ya see, while all of you will be getting upset that your kid's down the street (that's where his gf lives) having sex, i'm calm, in touch with reality, and perfectly fine with it. as it should be, but will never be, because so many of us are uptight, and border on frigid, ourselves.

Kas, you are just so full of yourself, it's amazing and pathetic to witness. My 17 yo ds finished doing the dishes while the rest of the children helped clean up the kitchen from their lunch, and then he took the 15, 13 and 11 yos to the library -- they're on their way home now, which I know since he just called to let me know... and he will be off to work in a few hours, sans condom because he has no girlfriend (not for lack of their trying to get him interested) and he has no interest in having one until he is prepared to be a husband and father -- which is part of the values system we have instilled in him. He may change some or all of his own values system when he is 18, 19, 20, when he is no longer living under our roof, when he determines he is ready to have a relationship with a girl, whenever... but I can guarantee you I will know about it if he loses his virginity before he is married -- guarantee it -- just the way my Dh told his mother about it when he became sexually active.

And I know my kids better than most people know themselves (I know myself pretty well also, must say). One of the reasons we homeschool is because I can confidently say it's better that I be the main influence on my children through their teen years, considering I have never ever used an illicit drug, considering I care about (and am teaching my children about) being a respectable and respectful person in our community (having sex with your girlfriend as a teen is neither respectable behavior nor is it being respectful toward either one of you, nor of your or her parents, in MY values system -- which is the same one with which I am raising my children).

Considering I must be one of the very few people (huh...) in the world who made it through my teenage years with my heartfelt morals intact (

) yep, I do consider it best for my own influence to be foremost in my kids' lives, rather than for the influence of school teachers, their peers, or of the Kasses of this world, to factor in there heavily.

And most certainly, I'm calm... I'm confident... I'm entirely in touch with reality -- the reality of what feelings they'll entertain, what messages will and do bombard them that are contrary to my own, and also with the reality that I must continue to equip my children to know what influence they should entertain, which voices they should listen to, and how to control themselves and be respectable, responsible, healthy and safe individuals in every area of their lives -- including their sexuality. I choose to parent my children (yes, really PARENT them), I know I can trust my kids, and I do. They'll fall -- all of them in one way or another, or many ways. But I'm still going to expend my energy now, and always, constantly, to train them and equip them to live the way they should in this world. After all, if I will continue to aggressively teach an otherwise self-centered, self-absorbed child to be environmentally-conscious, then of course I will certainly continue to aggressively teach those same self-indulgent, desire-driven teens to be self-controlled sexually. Thank G-d it's not a lost cause to do so.

MamaMeo · 05-08-2007, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by annsni

That is EXACTLY how I feel about it - and I've told my girls that. If they're old enough to make the decision to have sex, they're mature enough to take care of things and discuss them in an adult manner. Sex is wonderful but that doesn't mean that when you're physically ready to have sex that you are mature enough to have sex.

mamajandtheboys · 05-08-2007, 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaMeo

My 17 yo ds finished doing the dishes while the rest of the children helped clean up the kitchen from their lunch, and then he took the 15, 13 and 11 yos to the library -- they're on their way home now, which I know since he just called to let me know... and he will be off to work in a few hours, sans condom because he has no girlfriend (not for lack of their trying to get him interested) and he has no interest in having one until he is prepared to be a husband and father -- which is part of the values system we have instilled in him.

whew, i'm glad you have teens so you can offer a *real* opinion!

so you're saying that your son actually *thinks* for himself? he doesn't act on his biologically pre-programmed need to have sex? *gasp* you mean to tell me that the values you've raised him with have actually influenced him?????

meo, me thinks i

you!

Vanity Fair · 05-08-2007, 04:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by annsni

That is EXACTLY how I feel about it - and I've told my girls that. If they're old enough to make the decision to have sex, they're mature enough to take care of things and discuss them in an adult manner. Sex is wonderful but that doesn't mean that when you're physically ready to have sex that you are mature enough to have sex.

Right this reminds me of a discussion that came up several years ago when DD and I talked about periods, why we have them, when we have them, etc. She just got RIGHT to the point and said "well, then if we can get our periods at 8, 9, 10, 13, and the purpose of a period is to conceive a baby, why are we not supposed to have sex until we are a lot older?" Oh, I had to think about that one, and my answer was that we get them well before our bodies and minds and hearts are ready to have babies as practice. We are not supposed to start having babies because our bodies aren't ready, so they need years and years of practice. That was the best answer I could come up with, but dang, kids are so smart.

She's now 11.5 and has been having her period for nearly 2 years now.

dudster74 · 05-08-2007, 04:58 PM

Another point.......No birthcontrol is 100%. Except abstinence. Something I would be sure to bring up.

I believe that if they think they are old enough to have sex they need to be prepared for the emotional side, and what "could" happen. Open discussion is the key.

lassie · 05-08-2007, 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaMeo

Kas, you are just so full of yourself, it's amazing and pathetic to witness. My 17 yo ds finished doing the dishes while the rest of the children helped clean up the kitchen from their lunch, and then he took the 15, 13 and 11 yos to the library -- they're on their way home now, which I know since he just called to let me know... and he will be off to work in a few hours, sans condom because he has no girlfriend (not for lack of their trying to get him interested) and he has no interest in having one until he is prepared to be a husband and father -- which is part of the values system we have instilled in him. He may change some or all of his own values system when he is 18, 19, 20, when he is no longer living under our roof, when he determines he is ready to have a relationship with a girl, whenever... but I can guarantee you I will know about it if he loses his virginity before he is married -- guarantee it -- just the way my Dh told his mother about it when he became sexually active.

And I know my kids better than most people know themselves (I know myself pretty well also, must say). One of the reasons we homeschool is because I can confidently say it's better that I be the main influence on my children through their teen years, considering I have never ever used an illicit drug, considering I care about (and am teaching my children about) being a respectable and respectful person in our community (having sex with your girlfriend as a teen is neither respectable behavior nor is it being respectful toward either one of you, nor of your or her parents, in MY values system -- which is the same one with which I am raising my children).

Considering I must be one of the very few people (huh...) in the world who made it through my teenage years with my heartfelt morals intact (

) yep, I do consider it best for my own influence to be foremost in my kids' lives, rather than for the influence of school teachers, their peers, or of the Kasses of this world, to factor in there heavily.

And most certainly, I'm calm... I'm confident... I'm entirely in touch with reality -- the reality of what feelings they'll entertain, what messages will and do bombard them that are contrary to my own, and also with the reality that I must continue to equip my children to know what influence they should entertain, which voices they should listen to, and how to control themselves and be respectable, responsible, healthy and safe individuals in every area of their lives -- including their sexuality. I choose to parent my children (yes, really PARENT them), I know I can trust my kids, and I do. They'll fall -- all of them in one way or another, or many ways. But I'm still going to expend my energy now, and always, constantly, to train them and equip them to live the way they should in this world. After all, if I will continue to aggressively teach an otherwise self-centered, self-absorbed child to be environmentally-conscious, then of course I will certainly continue to aggressively teach those same self-indulgent, desire-driven teens to be self-controlled sexually. Thank G-d it's not a lost cause to do so.

I wanna be like Meo.

LuLu · 05-08-2007, 06:51 PM

When the time comes I will try to educate them about safe sex and make sure BC is accessible. I would prefer they wait until they are out of my house but that doesn't always happen. I will not encourage them to wait for marriage.