amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

Mary, Mary · 12-06-2006, 06:19 PM

Would you? Why or why not? If you would, what type of punishment would you impose? What are your thoughts? Does age matter (other than under 18)? What if the child is 13? What if the child is 16?

I'd appreciate your opinions and thoughts on this issue. Please, even if you normally wouldn't post, please post. I really need to hear different people's views and thoughts on this.

cathleenc · 12-06-2006, 06:24 PM

I wasn't spoken to or allowed into the house for nearly two years upon my mom discovering I was sexual at age 20. It's a divide I still struggle to mend.

I would not punish - maybe hug? Sex and particularly early sex can often be a yearning for closeness. Maybe parent-child counseling?

MyThreeSuns · 12-06-2006, 06:25 PM

Punish? Well, if making them go to a gynocologist, and making them take some type of sex education class, or even a parenting type class is punishing, then yes. I would. If I had a daughter under the age of 19, I would make her get on birth control no matter if she told me she wouldn't do it again or not. The trust would be gone at that point. I would also put in a phone call to the parents of the boy.

irinam · 12-06-2006, 06:25 PM

Short answer is - it will not even cross my mind.

Let me dig out some of the more elaborate stuff and will post later... Oh no luck.

So I'll just talk out of my head.

1) I don't see sex as a "crime" of any sort
2) I educate kids on sex *before* they enter puberty and all throughout as they express interest
3) Age does not matter as long as it is concensual sex (as in - nobody is FORCED, whether my child is the “forcer” or “forcee”
4) It's not much of my business actually just like my sexual life is not their business (unless *they* want to share)

Daniel's Mama · 12-06-2006, 06:29 PM

my take on the matter is that we hope and pray to instill a belief and value system in our son that he is to maintain his virginity until his marriage (if he marries). I know that's probably old-fashioned and some people will laugh at us but that's what I want for him.

so, if he goes ahead and loses his virginity, and we find out, we'll let him know we're disappointed that he couldn't/wouldn't wait until marriage.

punishment? I'm not sure what kind of punishment would be appropriate for having sex. . .

it depends on his age, I suppose.

if he's younger (like you mentioned 13), then by golly I'd be furious with him and WANT to punish him somehow but I can't think of anything besides grounding him that could/would keep him from doing it again in the near future. but that wouldn't mean that he'd NOT do it again once the grounding was over. . .

it's really hard to picture the future, he's only 7.

I'm curious to see what other Mamas will have to say on this.

LuLu · 12-06-2006, 06:32 PM

Man, I don't even want to think about it.

Glitterbeam · 12-06-2006, 06:34 PM

We expect our children to remain pure until marriage, also.

I don't know what I would for an older child, but for a 13 year old, yes, they would be grounded and then chaperoned everywhere they went. This would be until I felt I could trust them again. I would also do parent-child counseling.

13 is much too young to deal with sex, mentally, emotionally.

Have you found out for certain your DD is having sex?

ITA I normally wouldn't have posted on this topic as I know most everyone will disagree with me, but you asked specially for that. I don't feel like getting flamed so I hope this post does not turn into that, but stays helpful.

freedomlover · 12-06-2006, 06:35 PM

My ds is 16.
I wouldn't punish him but I would have a long talk with him and tell him my stance as his parent of concern in various areas of the situation.

If it were my dd (13), I'd be at the door of the other person's parents quicker than a wink and it would be a duo family discussion with all in attendance.

Is that punishment?

annsni · 12-06-2006, 06:48 PM

I'd kill 'em ..... then talk to them till their ear fell off - and then never leave them alone again.

Well, not really, but that's my first instinct.

If they were out of my home, there's not much *I* could do but they would certainly know that I do not approve of what they're doing. If they were still under my roof, there would be some serious consequences including not being allowed away from DH or myself for a good long time. There would be major counselling involved and lots of tears and prayers.

I can't imagine. I honestly thank God that my girls are 14 and 16 and have embraced our beliefs and can't even imagine doing anything like that - they're not dating and have no desire to do so until they're a little older. They know that there's still growing to do and dating now sets them up for lots of temptations because they can't marry yet - the natural end of a right relationship.

I know this is not the standard that a lot of people do but it's how we would deal with it......I think.

LuLu · 12-06-2006, 06:53 PM

I expect my boys to remain pure until they move out of my house, what they do after that is their business. I would prefer they sleep with several people before settling down though, but that is their choice.

Amphitrite · 12-06-2006, 06:54 PM

Well, Irina and Mari already said what I was going to say ~ and I'm glad ds is only 8.

Personally, I lost my virginity at 15, and as soon as Mom found out, she carted me off to te Gyno, had me start bc pills and I was NOT on a date unchaperoned for a while, I think I was almost 18 before I had another 'date'.

EMama · 12-06-2006, 06:55 PM

I can't think of what a punishment would be for having sex. I would not try to find one though.
I would talk with my child and explain how having sex at a young age can cause unwanted pregnancy and talk about the emotional issues with a sexual relationship. I have boys so I can provide condoms but can't count on them being used. I just feel like I need to educate my children and hope they make good decisions in this area for themselves. I do hope they wait until they are older just because having sex young can have big consequences. I do think their sex life is not mine. My kids aren't there yet though so I can only guess how I will deal with it.
I have had my oldest take a great puberty class at the childrens hospital here and I have gotten many books from the library and put them in his room for him to look through. I have read books aimed at my youngest to him(he is 6 yrs)

My answer is I would educate my kids and hope they make good decisions.

Aphrodite

~Bethany~ · 12-06-2006, 06:55 PM

I was made to leave my home at age 13 for having sex. Although I take responsibility for having made the decision TO have sex, I think now that I was so precocious in part because I had been molested at a young age, and had a workaholic, absent father. I still, to this day, have trouble reconciling sex as being a healthy, beautiful way to express love, because I was SO punished for doing it.

What I am saying is that girls who have sex young are often punished for their behavior around sex, and it's a slippery slope. I think she might need support, and counseling. There might be a reason she is having sex.

But, I wouldn't be able to support my children having sex. So, I'd probably punish the other behaviors that enable her to have sex- ie, sneaking out, having people over when not allowed to, etc. I'd try to make it really hard to get away with anything. ETA here: My beliefs about not having sex as teens is based out of responsiblity more than anything. Most teens are unable to support a child financially.

ETA: I know our 15 yr old (my step son) is having sex. He hasn't told us, but we found out. It's not with a girlfriend he loves and might marry, either. We have not punished him for it. His dad takes him on camping trips every year, talks to him, shows him pics of STDs on the net, etc. But he is completely unsupervised at his mom's for visitation. Nothing we can do about that. But he isn't sleeping with anyone at our house, and won't, if we have anything to do with it. He is in counseling.

Charity · 12-06-2006, 06:56 PM

My kids aren't that old yet, but if they were to do such a thing, they would immediately lose all the freedoms they had that got them into that situation in the first place. They'd have less freedom, more restrictions, and tons of supervision, and a good talking to. For a child under age 16, maybe all outings with friends will have to be at home when a grown-up is present, and maybe any outings at friend's homes we will have to verify that a grown-up will be present and supervising. Outings outside of home, they would most likely have a chaperone.

If they are 16 and have a vehicle that allows them to be out and about wherever, then they could do such a thing without anyone knowing. If I don't know about it, then I can't punish. If I were to find out about it, I'd probably take away car privileges and start driving them to work. My kids won't have the money for a car until they are 18, so we'll be driving our kids to work and other outings until then anyways, while they save up for a car.

Once they are 18 then they can do what they choose, but if it goes against our beliefs they better not do it in our home.

All my comments are made with the assumption that education on sexually contracted diseases, pregnancy, and other such things, has already been done beforehand, and that they've been instructed as to the family's beliefs in regards to it. Like others here, we are teaching abstinence until marriage.

Megmama · 12-06-2006, 06:56 PM

Well, I haven't had it happen this way. Alexis and I had a very open relationship as far as communicating about sex. When she was ready, she came to me and I had her and her intended partner ( a long term boyfriend) go to planned parenthood and talk to the people there, get examined and they got birth control. Her boyfriend paid for hers adn his condoms. They were spooked enough that they waited a few more months. One day she came and told me she'd had sex. We talked about it. There was nothing to punish..she respected my rules about it.

Had I found out she was having sex before we'd been through all this together, I am not sure punishment would be appropriate. Education and communication would be appropriate. I would have required some counseling at planned parenthood at the very least, and a gyno exam to make sure she was ok.

Sex is supposed to be enjoyed by responsible, mature people. I would have been happier if Alexis had waited at least until adulthood, but the reality is, most teenagers don't wait, and they think they have to keep it all a big secret from you. If you blow up the notion of secretiveness, it helps. It helps them be more mature and sensible about it, and it helped me to allow her to grow, even though I was disappointed. I showed my disappointment, btw.

Alexis was tough in many ways, difficult to deal with, etc. But on this one thing, I seem to have done a good thing. She had a scare with HPV when she was 19 that gave her a career path. She wants to be a nurse/midwife. She also went to all the local high schools and talked to young girls about the reality of sex w/o birth control.