amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

~Bethany~ · 12-04-2006, 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mary, Mary

oh mamas, I wish it were as simple as a messy room. Really, it's way worse. And it's not grades either.

Try hanging out with liars, lying herself, she let people in the house when she wasn't supposed to and they stole money from me, and now today, I found condoms.

I'm sorry mama. I don't have girls, but I do have teen boys. And mine (at least the oldest) is NO angel. Without taking away responsibility from her actions, it sounds like she is hanging with a bad crowd. Any chance of removing her from her school, or situation?

Also, if her bday celebration is family only, can I just plead with you not to cancel it?

One more thing... do you think she is the one having sex? In my experience, girls who are that precocious could use counseling. (((hugs)))

Megmama · 12-04-2006, 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mary, Mary

oh mamas, I wish it were as simple as a messy room. Really, it's way worse. And it's not grades either.

Try hanging out with liars, lying herself, she let people in the house when she wasn't supposed to and they stole money from me, and now today, I found condoms.

It sounds like you need to figure out what your boundaries are and let those be known. If your boundaries are violated, you must take action. If she is going to have sex and you do not approve, think about it. Is she doing it exclusively because you don't approve and it will get a rise out of you? Can you find a way to make sure your daughter is safe? I would set some rules and when they are broken, make sure you follow through on the consequences. For example, Alexis was not allowed to have boys in her room, when she violated that, she was punished. You must be a present parent to punish your child. I hope that makes sense.

When Alexis decided she wanted to have sex, rather than freak out about it, I decided that my boundaries were that she must be safe at all costs. That meant a trip to Planned Parenthood for her and her intended partner. If your daughter wont' tell you who the partner is, just take her there and tell her you don't approve of her having sex, but if she is going to anyway, you aren't getting grandchildren or a dead child from an STD out of it and so she must use birth control as well as condoms.

I can't stress enough figuring out what your expectations adn limits are so you can pick your battles. Also, if it gets out of control, take both of yourselves to a mediator to work on it. Counseling is something I had to do with Alexis when I became concerned about her using drugs/alcohol. I just couldn't control my responses and needed help. It's OK to get help!

Gosh I hope some of that made sense...I just want to say it is not an easy road to travel but most of them do make it out when they have loving parents who show they care with consistent discipline and acceptance.

elfmaker · 12-04-2006, 08:47 PM

It is difficult when the behavior is something you find particularly offensive/inappropriate........and i agree with meg. set your boundaries/limits and make them very clear. while sex/drugs is obviously much more serious then some behaviors you can handle the situation pretty much the same.

set your boundaries/limits and be very clear about what they are

be prepared to follow through with consequences.

still keep it pretty simple. for ex. if you are telling her that you are worried about her getting pregnant or being promiscuous be clear with her and yourself why.
for ex.-- emotional attachment, pregnacy, disease. these are real life consequences of having sex. this is not specific (personal) to her.

Also why would she be carrying condoms? I carried them LONG before I had sex, because my friends did.

Big Hugs mama. You still can only guide her, be there for her, and hope she makes more good decisions then bad.....and be there for her when she needs help.

Luna

sarah73 · 12-04-2006, 10:44 PM

i know how your feeling we have a 14year old drama queen as well.. and she does what everyone else has mentioned before... i hope things get better for you sooner then later

Breeder · 12-05-2006, 06:32 AM

I kinda peed myself because I just realized I will have 3 teens in my house in 14 years.
A 16 year old, 15 year old and 13 year old.

lakshmi_mama · 12-05-2006, 07:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elfmaker

mine is an almost 16yo son and this has become my mantra-

"He will find his way. I can't see his way because it is not my way. But I KNOW he will find his way. It will be an amazing path-- something I can not even dream of.....but it is out their for him and I know he will find it"........without me and probably in spite of me. LOL

Right On! That is the sort of thinking that gets me through most days. I have a 14yo and a newly 16yo. We nearly canceled my 16yo's birthday party. She can really pick the worst times to go off on one of her trips. And trust me - this kid goes through some major trips. Messy rooms is the easy stuff (I close the door!, lol) its the other stuff that makes you just hold your breath and wish you could pause time indefinately. I heard recently that there in some Indian traditions that holding your breath can be a form of meditation/prayer because you hold god within. Some days me and god are real close, kwim?

Don't let the stuff you see on the surface freak you out. My dd has 3 body piercings - one done without my knowledge and lied about her age (belly), one with my approval (vertical labret), and the last one she was old enough to not need my permission (tongue). She does things that make me scared for her sometimes. We fight, but we also really talk. I have a no bs (from either of us) rule when it comes to the serious stuff and being able to talk freely whenever needed about anything.

amyorama · 12-05-2006, 08:27 AM

So nice to know I am not the only one struggling. My DD will be 14 this January and some days, I don't know....

DH tells me, "don't fall into the trap that says you have to hate your teen!" Sigh*

amyorama · 12-05-2006, 08:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lakshmi_mama

I heard recently that there in some Indian traditions that holding your breath can be a form of meditation/prayer because you hold god within. Some days me and god are real close, kwim?

Really cool thought, too!

lisamom2four · 12-05-2006, 02:06 PM

Well, I have a soon to be 16 year old who is certainly driving me and her siblings CRAZY. Unless, she wants something, then she can be sweet as pie.
Something snapped about this time last year and she just morphed into a whole other person that I didn't know. It was so scary because I absolutely thought that I had lost the former person that she was. I was hurt and angry that after all the love and attention I have given her over the years she could turn on me.
It wasn't drugs or sex, just some intense need to do and get whatever she wanted. She also expected everybody just drop what they were doing to do something for her or to buy something for her. She eventually let her anger get the best of her and attacked me one day. I called the police and because she lied to them and said she wanted to hurt herself because had hit me, they took her to a juvenille psychiatric facility where she stayed for a mandatory 72 hours. It was one of the hardest thing I've ever been through. But I couldn't live in fear of her any longer and I couldn't have my little ones live in fear of her either. In the hospital she wasn't allowed makeup, hair products, her hair straightener, phone privledges, internet connection, tv, IPOD or radio. She had to wear horrible looking hospital clothes and slippers, her bed was a cot type thing with rough sheets and blankets and she shared her room with some other looney teenager.
I guess her little three day trip to scared her enough to change her ways. Things have gotten so much better. We went through some family therapy. We still have our rough days but it's NOTHING like before and I can now see the little girl that used be there is still there. Her grades have gone back up to A's and B's, she does what she's told without having to be told TOO many times, and if she does call me names I don't hear her.
I have also learned to tell her something short and sweet and just leave, even if I have to come back and say it 5x's or if she says something smart aleck, I just walk away. I don't say a single thing, but I write it down in a journal. When she asks for a privledge I take out the journal and if there is a negative entry she doesn't get her way.
I never went through any of this with my son, I was so shocked to have to go through this.

to those of you who are going through this, I know it hurts deeply.

Lisa

AngelaJ · 12-05-2006, 02:33 PM

You ladies are scaring me! My oldest is almost 10 and she is such a sweet kid, but some days, like yesterday, I don't know who kidnapped her and replaced her with her evil "clone". I know it gets worse, ugh, I'm scared for sure. I don't really understand, though, because I was Ms. Goody Two Shoes, and although I has a few rough moments, I was rarely disrespectful to my parents, and didn't do anything against their will until I was 18 or so. Your typical really good kid. I guess I need to start reading already to hopefully stay on top of the situation. Yeah Right. LOL

Momof6 · 12-05-2006, 05:32 PM

I have two teens (one boy nearly 17 yrs and one girl who will be 14 in a month).

I can tell you if mine were doing what you said, I'd get them into counseling or some other 3rd party help....if you feel like it is just too much for you at this point. For sure, I'd do something for intervention.

I'll keep you in my prayers,

Michelle

hadalamb · 12-05-2006, 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elfmaker

mine is an almost 16yo son and this has become my mantra-

"He will find his way. I can't see his way because it is not my way. But I KNOW he will find his way. It will be an amazing path-- something I can not even dream of.....but it is out their for him and I know he will find it"........without me and probably in spite of me. LOL

In the meantime mamas....keep it simple...just like with a toddler...lol....for us that means saying "take out the trash" 20 times...he may piss and moan but as long as we keep it simple and leave out all the yammering (like-- how many times do i have to tell you to take out the trash?!?!? why do you always have to be told?!?!?!? When are you going to yaddda yadda yuckies.) the storm rises and falls very quickly.

Gonna print off that mantra...

And I was gonna make the same point! I took an adolescence class last semester and it was so reassuring to realize this is a developmental STAGE. They truly are supposed to challenge boundaries. However, we also learned in that class that true adolescent delinquents are rare and that teens in general get a bad rap (so do 2 yo's!).

I don't know what else to say, other than commiserate and hope ppl do the same for me in the future. It's hard enough now. But I know it will get harder (for my family I mean).

hadalamb · 12-05-2006, 05:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Bethany~

In my experience, girls who are that precocious could use counseling. (((hugs)))

That really rubbed me the wrong way. I hope you meant anyone and not just girls? Just b/c a girl seeks sex or likes it does not make something wrong w/her. I would worry about promiscuousness from either my ds's or my dd.

Ok, I read the rest of the threads and do have more to say after all LOL! The lying is something that pushes my buttons more than anything. Thankfully, my 14 yo does NOT lie. I have 3 others who do though. I don't know why, b/c I *always* come down on them much harder when they lie and they see that it breaks my trust in them, whereas I trust what my oldest tells me.

And I agree about the condom issue... I had them before I had sex. Granted, at that point it was b/c I was getting close to doing it, but thank god I thought about that kind of stuff and was responsible. My guy friends alllll always had condoms on them. They were virgins.

Can you/will you confront her w/the fact that you found the condoms? My parents thought I was having sex and they confronted me but it was horrible. They punished me, grounded me. Ugh. I hadn't had sex yet. Anyway, it could've been an open dialogue time but our religion just didn't allow for an inch of tolerance in that area so they just couldn't give me that.

My mom, though still just as religious, regrets that.

Glitterbeam · 12-05-2006, 06:13 PM

Bethany said "in my experience, girls..." so I took it to mean it was her experience.

Hugs to the OP. No advice here, but I didn't want to just read and not reply.

kkdmommy · 12-05-2006, 07:10 PM

Big

Mine aren't quite that old yet but I've had 16-18 yr old brother raising duties. Every other word out of his mouth was a lie, he had condoms, alcohol, cigarettes & drugs in his room (yep I'm a room searcher). He led an amish phoneless, dateless existance for a good long while too after that bull. Lying, bad influence friends=no friends. No unsupervised activities. Driving him to & from school. It sucked for all of us but he got the point. My girls know that's exactly how it'll be for them too, yeah I got criticized here before for being mean and no fun. I'm not their friend, I'm their mother (or guardian in bro's case). I'm a big fan of stripping it down to bare essentials and rebuilding both trust & belongings/privileges as things improve. Not sure if that's helpful, I'm really sorry you're going through this J.

ETA, I was a bad girl teen and my parents didn't have a clue of what I was doing, feeling, etc. Let her know how much you love her and whatever you do is to protect her and help her grow. I know that's what you're trying to do, I just wanted to chime in that I didn't have that when I needed it.