amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

kas · 10-15-2006, 12:40 PM

dj is going to be 17yo next mo. he recently told me that he's decided to become sexually active before we had "agreed" he would (jr prom later this yr was our understanding).

so, now that he's come to me with this info, i'm concerned about all that sex entails...emotional instability, unwanted pg, disease, etc.

we've covered the disease aspect. he's armed with condoms at all times, and knows all the nasty std's out there and how easily they're passed back & forth. i offered to take him and his gf to a class on bc/std's, with or without her parents' knowledge, and i was stoked to hear that she is open with her mom, and already on the pill. ~less for me to worry about, but i'm worrying nonetheless!

i always had it in the back of my mind that this would be a part of his life that was *so far* away from happening, and now here it is. he hasn't had intercourse YET, but he's going to very soon, i can feel it, if that makes sense.

anyone out there experience open discussions with their teen through a time like this? how did it play out for you/them?

i was 13yo when i lost my virginity on a DARE-and never dreamt of talking to my mom about sex, no way. this is the way i *wish* she had been with ME when i was a teen, yk? we'll see how it turns out, i suppose...

ThirtySomething · 10-15-2006, 12:56 PM

Well, I don't have a teen, but these are the points I would want to make:

1. Even though she is on the pill, he should wear a condom. He needs to take responsibility for his side of the BC issue instead of relying on her. Tell him about the fail rate of BC pills and the fact that it is possible that she could forget to take one or take them while she is on antibiotics.

2. Explain a woman's cycle, when conception typically occurs, then explain that a teenage girl's body can be unpredictable and ovulation and conception can occur at any time. I'm amazed at how many teens misunderstand the basics.

3. If she says no or has any misgivings, he should not move foreward. This is respectful of her.

4. Sex creates an emotional bond for a woman. If he is not ready for that bond, he should not move foreward. For this reason, sex complicates things. Again, he is respecting her by considering her feelings after sex has occurred.

ScatteredCuriosities · 10-15-2006, 12:56 PM

I have no advice because my kiddos aren't there yet, but I just wanted to say that it is awesome that he comes to you to discuss something so big!

Way to go Mama!!!!!

Tammy · 10-15-2006, 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThirtySomething

Well, I don't have a teen, but these are the points I would want to make:

1. Even though she is on the pill, he should wear a condom. He needs to take responsibility for his side of the BC issue instead of relying on her. Tell him about the fail rate of BC pills and the fact that it is possible that she could forget to take one or take them while she is on antibiotics.

2. Explain a woman's cycle, when conception typically occurs, then explain that a teenage girl's body can be unpredictable and ovulation and conception can occur at any time. I'm amazed at how many teens misunderstand the basics.

3. If she says no or has any misgivings, he should not move foreward. This is respectful of her.

4. Sex creates an emotional bond for a woman. If he is not ready for that bond, he should not move foreward. For this reason, sex complicates things. Again, he is respecting her by considering her feelings after sex has occurred.

Stacy, you are so smart. I hope you're around when my children become teenagers

Tammy

ThirtySomething · 10-15-2006, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tammy

Stacy, you are so smart. I hope you're around when my children become teenagers

Tammy

What a nice thing to say. I really hope my teenagers don't have sex.

I'd love to talk with them about it though.

Barb · 10-15-2006, 01:09 PM

Tammys words are great - am going to print them out and save them.

Chelsey is 17 but so far has decided to stay celibate. I'm of course hoping that continues but we've had plenty of conversations about pregnancy, disease etc

Just keep talking openly. and good luck

kas · 10-15-2006, 01:19 PM

i've told him to use both. i hope that he does. as far as "no" goes, he knows that it's ALWAYS reason enough to stop what's doing-immediately.

Erica · 10-15-2006, 01:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThirtySomething

Well, I don't have a teen, but these are the points I would want to make:

1. Even though she is on the pill, he should wear a condom. He needs to take responsibility for his side of the BC issue instead of relying on her. Tell him about the fail rate of BC pills and the fact that it is possible that she could forget to take one or take them while she is on antibiotics.

2. Explain a woman's cycle, when conception typically occurs, then explain that a teenage girl's body can be unpredictable and ovulation and conception can occur at any time. I'm amazed at how many teens misunderstand the basics.

3. If she says no or has any misgivings, he should not move foreward. This is respectful of her.

4. Sex creates an emotional bond for a woman. If he is not ready for that bond, he should not move foreward. For this reason, sex complicates things. Again, he is respecting her by considering her feelings after sex has occurred.

wow....very Very good advice there!

KimberMama · 10-15-2006, 02:59 PM

What has been said so far has been great.

I would add that this might create a stronger emotional bond for DJ as well, one that he may be unprepared for. That said, there is no preparation to be had...it happens or it doesn't. We often talk about the emotional bond for young women, forgetting that there are many sensitive, caring young men out there who do care about their partners and who are emotionally involved with them. Of course, we talk about it in regards to young women because our society still considers (at some level) a young woman who has had sex to be "damaged goods". That forces some young women to seek a committment from their partner in order to feel emotionally okay with having sex.

We should be teaching both young men and young women that sex feels good and that they are going to want to have it. At this point people can insert their values, but I always think that the desire to have sex should be acknowledged, because a lot of kids get the message that they are "sinful" for having desires, when desire is a natural part of the human experience.

One reason I would stress birth control and STD prevention so much is the fact that it is highly unlikely that this will be DJ's only sexual partner over his lifetime. I know it isn't popular to say it, but many young adults will have multiple partners before choosing co-habitation, marriage, etc. He needs to understand that having sexual intercourse with this young woman doesn't mean that he has to marry her, and even thinking that he wants to marry her doesn't mean that he should

That honesty would serve DJ well. Even if he loves this young woman deeply, it will be fantasic if he can be open and honest with her, and she with him. They should both talk about their expectations before they have sexual intercourse. What does it mean to take this next step? What do they expect from the relationship. How will either of them feel if/when the relationships ends? How will they handle it if one of them decides to take a step back after they have intercourse, and the other still desires it? What will they do if an unintended pregnancy occurs? What about practicalities...where will they consumate this relationship? At one of their homes? Will she start or continue having regular pap smears?

You are an amazing mom! I want such an open relationship with my boys when the time comes (cultivating it now, of course).

khlinville · 10-15-2006, 03:19 PM

I think it important to remember and remind DJ that condoms provide less protection against STDs than they do against pregnancy...and that failure rate is unacceptable to most couples who are actually trying to preven a pregnancy. He knows that a women can get pregnant only when ovulating but have you told him that STDs can pass from partner to partner at any time in the women's cycle? Even if the STD isn't passed through tears or holes in the condom itself (which is entirely possible), he can still get STDs because condoms don't cover or protect all areas of the genital region. Condoms don't always prevent many of the STD infections that take place during sexual contact.

I know we have differnt views on sexuality and teens...that's OK with me. I am glad to see you have a relationship where your son can come to you with such openess. I hope to have the same one day with my son. But please be honest with him about failure rates and condoms....bcp wont protect him from herpes or AIDS. He's taking a risk (with his health and maybe his life) even with a condom and he needs to be armed with that information (not just condoms) before he makes choices about his sexual partners.

ladyturtle5366 · 10-15-2006, 03:34 PM

My boys aren't this age just yet, but they will be, and I have already begun laying the groundwork for these conversations. I hope that they are as open with me as your son is. Here's my story:

My mother was always open with me and told me she would get me on bc if/when it ever became necessary. I dated the same boy for a year, and I knew that we would be having sex soon, but I wasn't really sure when. Even though she had been so open with me I was still scared to bring it up, so I talked to a family friend. He was about 25 at the time, and I was 15. He offered to bring up the subject with my mom for me, and he did.....then he left us standing there looking at each other, LOL
My mom took it well, and asked if we were having sex. I said no, but, we've been together for almost a year now, so I know it's going to happen within a few months. (He was 17 and a virgin also) She took me to get on bc, and it's a good thing too. Things progressed very quickly between he and I, and when his parents went camping with his younger siblings w/out him, he asked me to spend the night. My mom drove me there and picked me up the next morning, and I have no regrets. By a weird cooincidence this guy is now my cousin by marriage, (loooong story) and we still speak a few times a year. He now has a family and two little girls, and we are both very content with the way that we went about things. We were always careful, and I attribute that to my mom and her willingness to be open with me. I went on to date him for almost 4 years, and my first husband was my second sexual relationship ever. Anyway, just wanted to give another perspective that this is a good way to go about things. I never had a baby out of wed-lock and I beleive that is directly related to the knowledge my mom gave me a long long time ago!

Summer · 10-15-2006, 03:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThirtySomething

Well, I don't have a teen, but these are the points I would want to make:

1. Even though she is on the pill, he should wear a condom. He needs to take responsibility for his side of the BC issue instead of relying on her. Tell him about the fail rate of BC pills and the fact that it is possible that she could forget to take one or take them while she is on antibiotics.

2. Explain a woman's cycle, when conception typically occurs, then explain that a teenage girl's body can be unpredictable and ovulation and conception can occur at any time. I'm amazed at how many teens misunderstand the basics.

3. If she says no or has any misgivings, he should not move foreward. This is respectful of her.

4. Sex creates an emotional bond for a woman. If he is not ready for that bond, he should not move foreward. For this reason, sex complicates things. Again, he is respecting her by considering her feelings after sex has occurred.

I agree with all of this.

I'd add, however, that there is no form of birth control that's foolproof. How many Mamas do we have here who have dual-method failure babies? Many, many, many. If DJ is not prepared to father a child and be bound to his girlfriend for a long time, I'd encourage him to wait.

OnTheBrink · 10-15-2006, 05:05 PM

Big topic here!

First of all - as many have said - kudos for being so open and available to your kids. My mother was the same way (though with a different take on the morality angle) and it really helped me in that stage of my life.

I agree with the message that the first purpose of sex is to create babies. (Feeling good is just part of that plan and draw.) Even with all the backup protection, they need to discuss what they'd do if she ended up pregnant. Would they have an abortion? Give the baby up for adoption? Raise the baby? Get married? Have you raise the baby? It's a very real possibility, even if they do everything right. I'm not saying you need to discourage or scare him. But things are much better for everyone if you know in advance what everyone is thinking on the subject.

Now, a silly question:
(My oldest is 5, so we haven't addressed this yet!)
What are the logistics of this? I mean, when and how will they have sex? Will they ask you to take the rest of the family out for the night? Or use the backseat of a car? Or have you rent them a hotel room? Or what? How does that work? With all of the preparation you've done, I don't imagine you want them getting it on in some dark alley!

Megmama · 10-15-2006, 05:25 PM

Ok..

I have nothing really do add here, y'all are doing fine. With Alexis, not only did we insist she get on bc when she and her boyfriend wanted to have sex, we insisted the boy go with her to planned parenthood and that they get all the information available. They did so, and her boyfriend paid for her bc out of his pocket and they both felt like they got good information and felt better prepared.

That said, I've always had a very open relationship with my children about sex and birth control. Just be open. don't be judgemental in any way or they will shut you out. Sometimes for them it's just a feeling. They both feel like they can't talk to their father, though he isn't a monster and would be as honest as I am..it's a feeling they get from him that they can't even describe.
Jake was afraid to ask me for condoms until his sister said, Jake, it's mom, she will be cool about it and happy you want them. (Which was true..i'd rather they ask me and talk to me than hide it from me any day of the week).

Jake hasn't got a g/f and hasn't had opportunity for sex yet. We talk about it..he really wants a girlfriend pretty badly but he's shy. Jake is a very sensitive young man and he'd probably be the guy to get emotionally involved when sex happened. He still carries condoms and we've talked about sex often. Hopefully when the time comes, I can convince him to go with his girlfriend to planned parenthood to get birth control, too. Honestly, it does a boy (and a girl) a world of good to have someone confront them with what can happen that isn't a parent. We can talk ourselves a blue streak but there's an inner teenage thing with them that says, mom/dad tell me that, but it can't be right. They need to hear it from outside sources that are well versed in things that happen.

Alexis had a scare with HPV about 2 years ago now...it has led her down a path she didn't expect. She didn't have it, but she decided to go to the local high schools and talk to kids about it and other std's and the importance of protecting yourself. Other teens are a great influence!! Alexis decided thanks to her very kind midwife and doing this work that she wanted to be a nurse/midwife and that is why she is studying that now.

Ok..babbled enough..just be available, Kas..he has all the information you can give him, but you need to be there for what happens after now.

lilac · 10-15-2006, 05:53 PM

Kas you rock and to all the other moms who are available to their children to talk about sex and provide bc is awesome. Thank you.

Stacy, wise words Mama.