Mamas with Teens and PreteensOh dear- the eye rolling, the attitude, the whines of 'OH MOM'... hormones? just a phase? being a teen is tough- being the mama of one is tougher...
i am a mama of an almost 16yo ds. we are open and i am thankful that there is still not sex for him....yet. i wanted to add something we have talked about.....
mama's of boys, our sons most likely won't get to decide how to proceed if they unintentially get a girl pregnant. realistically the girl (and hopefully her family's support) will make that decision. untimately it is the woman's chocie. as the mother of a young man who is very anti-choice and believes abortion is wrong i have spoken to him about this at length.......how would he feel if he got someone pregnant? what would he like the outcome to be? how would he speak to this lady about this? and what would he do/ feel/ say if she wanted an abortion?......or wanted to break up with him and have the kid? ...or? or? or?..........he ended up saying that he wasn't ready to deal with that and therefore not ready for sex.
my brother and his girlfriend conceived when they were 19/20 and very not ready for kids. they had discussed what they would do if she were to get pregnant. but when it happened she didn't want to have an abortion--so she hid the pregnancy from everyone until she was almost 6 months along......when that would no longer be offered as an option....he was furious!! they tried to stay together for the first few years but they didn't. he was very resentful that she had 'forced him' to be a father.....and he never really was a father to be honest......
my point i guess is that as women we may feel different about ourselves and our bodies and futures once we conceive and we need to help our sons understand this is a very important piece to becoming sexually active.
No teens in my house - but I am very close with my 'little sister' in the big brothers big sisters program. We've been matched 7 yrs now and she's a part of our family in so many ways.
She became intimate with her boyfriend of 18m last spring, both were 16, both were/are each other's firsts in every way. They both took a pledge to wait till they got out of high school but then decided they couldn't wait anymore - went to planned parenthood together and got bc pills and condoms - and proceeded forward.
I almost fell out of my chair when she casually started discussing sex at dinner with our family one night! Ack! But I am glad. Glad that she feels we have an open relationship that can bear that kind of conversation.
We later talked more about how ovulation happens and when and how to prevent pregnancy. While she looked well prepared from the outside there were gapping holes in both of their knowledge.
Her mother is almost encouraging of them becoming pregnant - which I read as 'I got pregnant as a teen and survived and will help you survive it, too'. Not what I want! So I've asked a couple of young women who did get pregnant while using bc to talk with her about accidents and pregnancy and how bc does not prevent pregnancy but rather reduce the odds of pregnancy.
So - good for you for having that kind of open relationship with your kids, good for your ds for being honest. Get them resources - books, classes, friends who've had contraceptive failures or stds. Recognize the power of sexuality and paint an whole, well rounded picture.
I don't have teens but remember my teenage years too well.
I'd ask them to discuss how having sex will change their relationship esp. how it can develop into the 1 and only thing they do together. Often the social aspect of dating goes by the wayside of just finding a place to have sex. Which in turn cuts out double dating/hanging out and can lead to resentment of friends that aren't in a relationship.
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Natalie
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I would add... *he* can back out at any time too. There are lots of wonderfully creative ways to get off and get your partner off, that don't involve intercourse.
Also, I hope he hasn't shared his plans w/friends. I think that would be a lot of pressure on everyone, kwim? I dunno.. it's hard to give advice that isn't completely colored by my own situation when I was 16 (which was wonderful, BTW). We also have a nice little thread going in the personal forum of losing virginity stories.
Does he know often sex is "okay" at best the first time and just gets better w/time as you get to know each others needs etc? I dunno... are guys ever disappointed the 1st time?
dj is going to be 17yo next mo. he recently told me that he's decided to become sexually active before we had "agreed" he would (jr prom later this yr was our understanding).
Kas - I meant to ask this earlier. How did you and DJ come to that agreement about junior prom? I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I don't know that I've heard of anyone making an agreement with someone other than their partner about when they'd have sex. How did you you guys come to the decision that junior prom would be it? And are there "consequences" for him not keeping that agreement?
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Kas I know where you are at with this. I had to put dd on bc a couple months ago and with her bf military I chose to do hep b. ( I know controversial but I have to think of her in case soemthing with them goes awry)
We are fairly open without disclosing privacy. She and bf are well aware that I do not approve adn it is not acceptable in my home. However they know that I am concerned about dd, her future and that I try to support them as a couple becuase dd loves him (or thinks she does-you know)
As far as my son, we talk...he finally has opened up alot about sex with me and does nto feel it is so foreign to discuss with his mother.
My family does have moral issues with sex since we are Christian more or less, but I touch on that topic lightly.
I focus with my son on respect for women and that they are not the girls they see in the magazines that turn you on so you can have a good physical sensation and its over.
Women are to be honored adn respected and sex is a way to do that but not the only way of course.
And we talk STD and cancer and pregnancy and child support and all of the realities of their actions.
Then I remain open door about any of his concerns or wanting to come clean or ask questions. That is all I can do.
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Kas - I meant to ask this earlier. How did you and DJ come to that agreement about junior prom? I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I don't know that I've heard of anyone making an agreement with someone other than their partner about when they'd have sex. How did you you guys come to the decision that junior prom would be it? And are there "consequences" for him not keeping that agreement?
it came about back when he had his "first love" at the age of 13...his gf was putting pressure on him to have sex and i practically begged him to wait until his senior yr of hs...particularly prom. he negotiated (like mother like son), and we compromised and came up with jr prom.
we're 6mo away from jr prom. the gf he has now is not a virgin, and is on the pill. her mom wants to have "time with me to talk about things"-and i know EXACTLY what the talk is going to be about
i didn't realize there were other mamas out there with the same kind of open relationsip with their kids, since all of my friends are pretty hush hush about sex with theirs. i'm relieved, scared, nervous, and thrilled all at the same time
heh..I think if more moms were open about it, we'd have a lot better decisions from our kids. JMO, however. I'm a big one for keepign communication open with our children, no matter what.
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Meg
Mama to Alexis, 22; Jacob, 19; and Elijah 11/20/02 and Sophia Jane, 11/20/04
Elijah allows me to dress him nicely and take a picture!
Well, I am probably on the opposite end of the spectrum from you as far as premarital sex goes, but I am still a huge proponent of keeping the lines open, and not keeping it all in the dark, and also of not trying to pretend it's something it's not, as a means of scaring them away. Sex is enjoyable, the feelings a member of the opposite sex can stir in you are natural, not something to be hidden and made dirty, but you DO need the tools taught to you to be able to handle it all in a mature, responsible manner. Hiding it and pretending it doesn't exist just makes for shame, pregnancy and std's.
My mom was completely open with me, and I am trying to be completely open with my kids (well, as much as you would be with an immature 12 yo and a 9 yo )...I think I am succeeding, despite being a natural complete prude, lol!
I think being open about sex with your kids is awesome. My daughter is only 9, but I'd like to think I'm laying the foundation for her teen years now. I hope we have the kind of relationship you all do, where she can talk to me about these things. We've already talked a little bit about sex, but not in-depth (she's not ready).
Well, I am probably on the opposite end of the spectrum from you as far as premarital sex goes, but I am still a huge proponent of keeping the lines open, and not keeping it all in the dark, and also of not trying to pretend it's something it's not, as a means of scaring them away. Sex is enjoyable, the feelings a member of the opposite sex can stir in you are natural, not something to be hidden and made dirty, but you DO need the tools taught to you to be able to handle it all in a mature, responsible manner. Hiding it and pretending it doesn't exist just makes for shame, pregnancy and std's.
My mom was completely open with me, and I am trying to be completely open with my kids (well, as much as you would be with an immature 12 yo and a 9 yo )...I think I am succeeding, despite being a natural complete prude, lol!
I agree with you here. I don't think you are a prude! I also do not think premarital sex is OK and certainly not for children. I think we can be open and honest about sex and not "rent the room" so to speak as soon as your child expresses an interest in exploring his/her sexuality with another person. It's not an either/or kind of situation, imo. I expect that my kids will be safe drivers, not use illegal drugs, not cheat in sports or academics, but if they choose to do those things, does that mean I will roll over and say "Well, lets see if we can help you out by providing a car with more airbags for your 90 m/hr trips down the road." OR "OK, so you're using drugs, I'll find you a place to shoot your heroin where you won't get raped or shot afterward." That's crazy. We won't lower the standards in those areas. We provide education and lectures and more supervision or whatever it takes to keep them safe. STD are everywhere. Some are deadly and almost all will affect their futures in a negative way. My husband teaches high school and I used to. I had LOTS of conversations about "safer sex" (safe sex is a lie) with two girls who said they had all the information and protection they needed and they both ended up pregnant and not finishing high school. DH has plenty of studends that bring their babies to school events. Think no one gave them bc? Of course, they had it available! They chose not to use it or it failed. Birth Control may reduce the chances of pregnancy and stds but it doesn't eliminate them. Teens can be really stupid sometimes. If I say "go for it" when they come to me wanting birth control, I would have to be ready to deal with the consequences if nature comes through and bc/std prevention fails...because it does. I am NOT ready for that. Not now and not anytime in the future, so I while be open and honest with them, I will not be encouraging sex in high school.
we're 6mo away from jr prom. the gf he has now is not a virgin, and is on the pill. her mom wants to have "time with me to talk about things"-and i know EXACTLY what the talk is going to be about
OK - color me stupid - but what is the talk going to be about???
I agree with you here. I don't think you are a prude! I also do not think premarital sex is OK and certainly not for children. I think we can be open and honest about sex and not "rent the room" so to speak as soon as your child expresses an interest in exploring his/her sexuality with another person. It's not an either/or kind of situation, imo. I expect that my kids will be safe drivers, not use illegal drugs, not cheat in sports or academics, but if they choose to do those things, does that mean I will roll over and say "Well, lets see if we can help you out by providing a car with more airbags for your 90 m/hr trips down the road." OR "OK, so you're using drugs, I'll find you a place to shoot your heroin where you won't get raped or shot afterward." That's crazy. We won't lower the standards in those areas. We provide education and lectures and more supervision or whatever it takes to keep them safe. STD are everywhere. Some are deadly and almost all will affect their futures in a negative way. My husband teaches high school and I used to. I had LOTS of conversations about "safer sex" (safe sex is a lie) with two girls who said they had all the information and protection they needed and they both ended up pregnant and not finishing high school. DH has plenty of studends that bring their babies to school events. Think no one gave them bc? Of course, they had it available! They chose not to use it or it failed. Birth Control may reduce the chances of pregnancy and stds but it doesn't eliminate them. Teens can be really stupid sometimes. If I say "go for it" when they come to me wanting birth control, I would have to be ready to deal with the consequences if nature comes through and bc/std prevention fails...because it does. I am NOT ready for that. Not now and not anytime in the future, so I while be open and honest with them, I will not be encouraging sex in high school.
i'm sorry, but it rubs me the wrong way by your implying i have lowered the standards for my son.
i have very high expectations for him. this "child" is going to be fighting for your freedom in a little over a year.
if the kid says he wants to have sex, gawds bless him for giving me a head's up and preparing me for the next step he's taking for himself.
this, believe it or not, does not define who he is-nor did it define us when we were having sex at 13, 14, or whatever age we were (i was 13).
i know my son well enough to know that if i showed *any* inkling of disapproval, he'd hide it all from me and i would be left in the dark.
I expect that my kids will be safe drivers, not use illegal drugs, not cheat in sports or academics, but if they choose to do those things, does that mean I will roll over and say "Well, lets see if we can help you out by providing a car with more airbags for your 90 m/hr trips down the road." OR "OK, so you're using drugs, I'll find you a place to shoot your heroin where you won't get raped or shot afterward." That's crazy. We won't lower the standards in those areas. We provide education and lectures and more supervision or whatever it takes to keep them safe.
That is so well put! I totally agree! Supervision is key--they need our help to wait. I want to be so open and honest with my children about sex, that they will be so excited about how special it is, and that they will want to save it for marriage. They still need to know what to do with those tricky feelings when you really *want* to do it, and when it seems like all your friends are doing it, and those times when you doubt yourself for waiting at all, and they need our supervision to help them keep their eyes on the goal--the goal of giving their spouse a priceless gift on their wedding night. Think of it--no worries of teenage pregnancy, hurt feelings, diseases, rumors, embarrassment, worries about performance......That beats a smoky motel room with another highschooler any day.
)...I think I am succeeding, despite being a natural complete prude, lol!
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