amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

pj and the bear · 07-24-2006, 12:37 AM

I don't have a teenager yet (though the almost 10 y/o is showing signs

) but in a discussion with a friend that does have a teenage daughter we were talking about "mouthing off" or answering back. Not necessarily back-talking but a "response/answer" to whatever her mother says. That "I know-more-than-you-do attitude. One thing I need to make clear, I guess, is that we live in an orthodox jewish community and the children are taught that answering a parent back is "forbidden". They are allowed to disagree and state the disagreement/problem that they have, but there are "parameters" and having a nasty tone, yelling, publicly embarrassing, etc are not allowed. That being said, I tend to think that teenagers ARE arguementative by virtue of they are trying to find their place in this world and are really over-sized toddlers. (I apologize to any teenagers that read this and are offended!!

But in reality both groups of children are trying to claim their autonomy.)

Also this child/teenager is at the stage of "thinking" she knows everything and is somewhat arguementative with all her siblings. She will pick on them, tease, etc..... to the point where some of them don't "like" her and have had the conversation amongst themselves about "who do you like?" and "who do you hate?".

My BF has the added problem that this is her oldest child and all the rest of her kids (there are 7 - 12,11,9,8,almost 5, and 19 m/o) see how this child talks to her mother (it doesn't happen too often with the father for obvious reasons) and then they try/do the same thing. How does one handle this issue??? Is this a normal issue with teenager girls?? I remember my teen years and actually this dd has kind of a warm place in my heart since she reminds me of myself as a teenager. We were allowed to "act out" at home - not yell or be chutzpah-dik (it's a yiddish word that I'm having a hard time translating but would include being mouthy, having an attitude, etc...) to our parents. Her (the teenager's) mother grew up in a very different home (somewhat abusive father) where no one really acted out/up out of fear.

At any rate what can/should be done to curtail this behavior?? TIA

jeni · 07-28-2006, 06:34 PM

Respectful communication is the rule in my house. Occasionally it is broken.

Barb · 07-28-2006, 06:48 PM

well, Chelsey will be 17 in October and the path we've taken with her is that she shouldn't speak to anyone (adults, friends, other children...anyone) in any way/tone she'd not want God to hear

If she does start with teen attitude I usually firmly but gently remind her that she professes faith in God and therefore needs to act accordingly. It usually works. She is also often reminded that snapping at others is usually an indication she is upset about something else or with herself and that she should think before she speaks. Of course our lives are also based in natural consequences in discipline so if she doesn't act in love with us, she doesn't receive our gifts of love in return (ie. rides to her friends homes, the mall, extra spending money etc) so that helps

lol

My 6yo recently was disrespectful to me in front of a friend - she yelled at me :ack when I asked her to please not open the refridgerator as we'd be eating dinner in 15 minutes. she yelled "but i'm hungry NOW!". I gently but firmly told her she needed to take a moment in her room to calm down and then she could come out and apologize to me and my guest for being so disrespectful. Its hard but I think if we're consistent when they're younger it will be easier (i hope) when they're older.
Chels is easier then many teens I know when I just remind her , adult to adult(sort of) that she needs to remember who she wants to be, how she wants to live and that her acts toward others reflect directly her relationship with God