Mamas with Teens and PreteensOh dear- the eye rolling, the attitude, the whines of 'OH MOM'... hormones? just a phase? being a teen is tough- being the mama of one is tougher...
After telling my daughter she was not to have a my space account I found her to have one. This is the second time . First time was just a profile in which she writes her full name , age, and town where she lives(Lord help me). Well she deleted that. Now turns out that she has opened one during the end of school break.
To say I'm upset is an understatment. She has dropped her grades in the second and third marking period and I had to tow her inline in order to get her grades up.
Now , I know the age thing, the friends are more important than other things blah blah blah. I honestly am at a stand still here. She's changed in the last year. I'm not thrilled about that but she went from liking school and doing well to barely squeaking by and she went from being a reader to not wanting to admit she likes reading ( and she does like reading)
How would you handle this situation. I thank you mamas in advance.
Heya. I have an almost 17yo.
She has a myspace account. I have found, and maybe its just me - so take it for what its worth - but I have found that if I tell my daughter she may not do something, she will do everything in her power to do exactly that.
So we don't usually say "you may not"
When she wanted to wear makeup at 14 I agreed - with the stipulation that I help her learn to apply it, help her to buy makeup that suits her and that she put it on before she leaves so I can see how she looks . Many of her friends were told they could NOT wear makeup and would put it on after arriving at school and per my daughter looked like "hoochie clowns". We talked about makeup accentuating the positives, not making you look like a whore.
We work together to find a safe way for her to do the thing she wants to do. For instance she wants to be pierced and tattood. But I don't feel that is a good thing for her to do (either) until she is 18. So we decided that hair color would be a less invasive and certainly less permanent way for her to express her uniqueness and new found gothicity lol. She has had orange hair, atomic pink hair, black hair with a pink streak, black hair with a blonde streak etc.
Henna tattoos were another fun thing. And acrylic nails (she pays for them herself now that she works) with a black stripe on them.
Myspace.
We discussed this at length. We talked about internet predators and pedophiles. We agreed no last name, no location and no sexual content or drug related discussion. She agreed. Her "friends" on myspace are friends from school and work - and from the church teen program. I have her password and can log in if/when I feel the need to check on her or if she gives me reason to worry about her.
To me the issue here is almost one of gentle discipline like we do with our toddlers. As attached parents we talk alot about how we shouldn't set our kids up for failure. Don't take them out hungry or tired, don't put things at arms length and tell them no, etc.
Its the same sometimes with a teen. We can't set them up for failure. We can't tell them NO and expect them not to do it - I think we need to talk to them and find middle ground on some things so they dont' feel like we're holding them back from exploring the world - yet we can still keep them safe.
I think its a set up to tell a teen 'no myspace'. I knew for a fact that all telling my teen that would do is make her want an account there MORE. So we compromised. I've seen her account . I watch it pretty closely actually. I have her permission to do it. Then again - she is almost 17 which is different then 15
I guess the thing is tho is that you DID tell her not to do it, and she disobeyed you. Even tho I think it was a set up you do need to deal with consequences. Natural consequence would be parental filters/controls on the computer or no unsupervised internet time or no internet time for a few weeks /grounding etc.
Does this help at all?
Probably not. I'm rambling
(((hugs))) to you. Raising teens is HARD WORK!!
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~Barb
Mama to Chelsey, turning 19, 8yo Zoey & 5yo Roman
When our kids turn into teenagers lots of changes happen. I found during this time communication being a key. Our kids enter a completely new stage of their development and it is playing havoc with the all the aspects of their lives.
Just like with toddlers it becomes important to carefully pick your battles.
As in MySpace case - may I ask why is it important to you that she does not have an account? Could the compromize be reached, where she would actually feel like she can ask your opinion on what kind of information she *should* reveal and what she should not? MySpace in not evil in and of itself. So can you use this incident as a teaching moment AND listen to what she thinks about it? Let her talk about it and listen (even if you do not agree AT ALL with what she is saying). Hear her out - not only during the argument when the emotions are hightened, but may be during your lunch together.
Obviousy it is important to her, so instead of just forbidding it - find out WHY it is important to her. If you honestly and attentively hear her out - she may just repeat the gesture - hear YOU out.
Grades dropping - I would not be a good advisor in this respect. I am not at all in agreement with current school system and am not at all surprised that majority of kids nowadays loose interest in school...
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Irina,
Mom to Matt 08/87 Valerie 07/00
OT - OK Barb it's freaky. I did NOT read your post (it was not there yet when I started answering), yet we both at the same time made comparison with toddlers and spoke inthe same terms about MySpace
i respect Barb's approach very much....but i did tell my son NO MYSPACE because for me and my family i just found there were other ways i wanted him spending his time.
BUT i said no myspace right now. meaning we can revisit it again when he is older/next year-whatever.
Also I told him when he started high school that he will enjoy the next 4 years much more if he chooses friends that have similiar values to ours. If he tried to hang out with friends who do/try to do things we are not in favor of he will not be allowed to hang out with them.
right now he has befriended a boy who we know doesn't have the kindest parents. There appears to be a lot of belittleing and yelling.........dh's first response was that he wasn't a good friend for ds. But I spoke to ds and he told me these things about his friend-- as well as that he has a temper--but he also told me the reasons he likes him and those were very good things about this young man.....the bottom line i told ds that he needs to be a good friend to him and a 'leader' of sorts and that if this boy makes any poor decisions he needs to be a good friend (and protect himself) and take a stand. i have met the boy and dh has met the parents (as the teacher of his older brother) and we are allowing our son to move forward with this friendship but keeping a close eye on things.......sometimes you have to allow your children to find things out for themselves.......
is your biggest concern MYSPACE? or her changing behavior? or her failure to honor your rules?
I would like to thank all the mamas who took their time to post a response to my thread.
I hear each and everyone of you on your opinions and am very touched by anyone who has made a statement.
Numero uno- My daughter opened this account when she was almost 13 and put down she was 15 . She had the account opened at the end of the school year at a friends house I'm certain. She's 13 . Although she says her account is private and a person can only be her friend if she invites them.
Numero Dos-All these changes have occurred within a years span. Trouble began at home when I saw the second marking period grades. I had decided to let her manage her own homework and her own studying. Told her to buckle up and the grades went even more down. During the fourth marking period she wasn't allowed to go out in the weekends anymore and her friends couldn't call her till after six. (believe it or not she had one friend still call her early even when my daughter had told her not to call)
I'm not crazy about the school system either here but when she starts out with 90's and ends with 70's my antenae can't help but go up)
I think if she didn't drop her grades and become disruptive in class I wouldn't be throwing such a hissy fit (in my head-not to her) The disruptions have been minor(talking back to teachers ) and when I found out I did my best to see that they didn't happen. She has an air of intitlement which I can't seem to agree with and I have seen with adults as well as children.
I am going to talk to my daughter but I know part of the reason is that she really wants to feel like she's one of the kids. But at the same time the friends she did seem to have for one reason or another she has seem to not be too interested in.
ok , it's quite possible that I could tell my daughter not right now as far as myspace goes but I shall have to see. There's alot going on in her life right now that we need to figure out.
Thank you
IMHO, it all boils down to communication. Perhaps your daughter hasn't understood really well your reasons why you are against of her having a Myspace account. Teens nowadays have the tendency to do exactly the opposite of what their parents are telling them. Maybe we can call these actions as rebellious, but that's just how they act right now. It is also necessary that you get her side. What made her do the same things again? Perhaps it's highly important that she can also air out her side and that on your part you also listen and try to take in her reasons. In the end, maybe a compromise would work: that is, you allow her to have her own MySpace account as long as she can prove that it wouldn't do any effect in her school work. Anyway, perhaps this can help you: Advice for Parents.
You have had a lot of great responses. I just want to add that 13-15 is a difficult transition time. I am just now starting to see some better patterns since High School started. My daughter is 16 1/2 and I have to say that communication is crutial and no matter what. I always try to make sure it is me she is coming to talk with even when I don't like the topic.
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Mary Beth, momma to 3, soulmate to Bill. www.eapoos.com
The only way I would allow spinner to have one was if I know the password and I do log in occasionally to check on what is going on in there. We have the same agreement for imming.
His friends figured out real quick not to use bad language on there, it only took me twice of writing in the middle of a conversation that they needed to watch language or he wouldn't be allowed to continue talking.
where we lived before the kids all had myspace and AIM, where we live now none of the kids have even heard of myspace, lol
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When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty.
Thomas Jefferson
Numero uno- My daughter opened this account when she was almost 13 and put down she was 15 . She had the account opened at the end of the school year at a friends house I'm certain. She's 13 . Although she says her account is private and a person can only be her friend if she invites them.
I realize this thread is a few months old... but I wanted to point out that MySpace does not even *allow* kids to create accounts unless they are at least 15. So what the younger kids do is create accounts and say they are 15. So she wasn't probably trying to look older for the reasons you are worried about. And knowing that MS guideline, maybe that's some ammo to say she could have one when she's 15?
Setting it to "private" really is a good option. That means no one can view her profile unless she lets them. Maybe you could even be the one to okay each friend? You wouldn't even need her password to check up on that!
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