Mamas with Teens and PreteensOh dear- the eye rolling, the attitude, the whines of 'OH MOM'... hormones? just a phase? being a teen is tough- being the mama of one is tougher...
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Teen Trouble- Opinions wanted!
Ok lonnnnng story short. My DD who is turning 17 tomorrow, tried to pull a fast one. Very very very unlike her.
She said she was spending the night at a friends last night, we found out that she did not and was instead at a friend of her boyfriend.
We are going on a cruise in 2 weeks. My in-laws paid, said they are fine if she can not come due to punishment. My family said they would "babysit" her, in fact my dad travels for work and he said he would make her come along.
Too harsh?
Here is what else I have decided.
Tradeing in her cell phone for a "Firefly" one that can only call and recieve from a list that we program. It even has a mom and dad button...Humiliating it will be~
Taking her car from her exept for work= she will be taking the bus to school!
No computer acess unless we sign her on.
Any other suggestions?
HElp me out!
Well agian I dont have kids this age, BUT I dont know if I would take the trip away, as someone else did pay for it, and they cant be refunded for it (or can they) but I think all your other ideas are great and would do every single one fo them if I was you as that is one of the worst lies in my opinion...
GOOD LUCK mama
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LuAnn sahm to Aidan(5*1*05) and Evan(9*20*07)
i think taking away a family vacation is a bit harsh for a first offense-if it is the first offense.
i would not hesitate to take the cell phone, car and/or computer though.
good luck, i am a bit scared of the first time my kids do that.
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Heather
married to carlos for 8 years
mama to sierra 11, alyssa 7 and samuel 6
I'd take her on the vacation but tell her that, since you can't trust her, she's going to have to stay with you the whole time (no going out and having fun on her own). I'd also cut back computer access and definately take away the car. I'd also let her know clearly that she betrayed your trust and she's going to have to work at getting it back.
I'm sorry she did that. ((HUGS))!!
Ann
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Ann
SAHM to 4 beautiful children Lauren ('90), Nicole ('92), Robert ('00) and Joanna ('02) and wife to Bob for 23 years.
Please do not flame me, and please see that I do NOT have kids anywhere near this old. I am just remembering being that old, at least as well as I can.
What does each phase of the punishment result in? If she stays home from the vacation, you will have a LONG cooling off period, which could be good. She might have a LONG time to build up resentment at the punishment, which could be bad.
Taking away her phone and making it so she has a very limited call list- Will that change her behavior? Do you think it will keep her from making plans like this again? Do her friends not have phones that she cah easily borrow?
Taking her car away- Well, that would probably keep her from going some places, but I will tell you I saw my now DH every day when we were 17 because he just told his parents he worked longer hours than he actually worked. Even as an adult I cannot figure out why they were so strict about us seeing each other. We were both really good kids.
Again, how does taking away computer time change her behavior?
I am so glad I am not in your shoes, and I am in no position to even try to act like an expert. I am just pointing out that these punishments might not result in anything but resentment and sneakiness. If she is really mostly a good kid, you might just need to have an "I am so disappointed" type talk to get her back in line. Or maybe a "What can we do to keep you from needing to sneak around" type of talk. I cannot possibly know. Good luck!
i think taking away a family vacation is a bit harsh for a first offense-if it is the first offense.
I agree. What will you do if there's a second offense?
I remember lying to my parents', saying I'd be at so-and-so's so I could spend the night with my boyfriend, or spend the night at a neighboring college town at whoever's apartment or dorm. Sure, I got grounded several times when caught in a lie, but I never stopped trying to get my way. Man...I hope my DD doesn't turn out like me!!!!
Only a few more years before my DD is 17. Gulp.
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Amy, abuser of quotation marks and parentheses,
Mama to five sprites
Maisie's first birthday buck!
"Be who you are and say what you feel,because those that matter don't mind...and those that do mind...don't matter." Dr. Seuss
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I totally agree with what your punishment is. Lying is lying and for her to have told you that she would be one place and in another is a huge safety breech. You know that she has to learn to be truthful, not just as a trust issue but who knows what could have happened to her safety; future wise if something had. We have to be parents first and friends second.
Went through this same scenario with our soon to be 17 YO and we did everything you did except we weren't going on a cruise, but if we had been, she wouldn't have been going either. One more thing, she didn't get her cell phone back til this past month once she returned from the residential program.
You know your DD better than all of us, and know what will get through to her that her behaviour will not be tolerated and for her to know what is expected of her.
I would take her on the family vacation and spend time with her. Talk to her. Not as a punishment, as a way to spend time with her. She is 17 and will be gone soon. It could foster some deep conversations being away from all friends with her mom.
I am not sure about 'humiliating' her with the phone idea, but taking away the car and internet sounds good, maybe... She is 17. Almost an adult.
Gosh, I'm afraid to even think about this stuff. My son is 15.5, but no where near anything like this. I will say that I was living on my own at your dd's age. All I have to offer is .
I would take her on the family vacation and spend time with her. Talk to her. Not as a punishment, as a way to spend time with her. She is 17 and will be gone soon. It could foster some deep conversations being away from all friends with her mom.
I agree...I would take her on the vacation. You said this is very unlike her. It will be such a good chance for you to spend time with her! I know even at that age I wanted time with my mom. Also-she'll be away from her friends not tempted into getting into trouble~lol!
Taking away computer and car~yeah I agree. Cell phone if you pay for it...
Does she pay for any of these priveledges? Does she pay her cell phone?
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" Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out" Robert Collier
Please do not flame me, and please see that I do NOT have kids anywhere near this old. I am just remembering being that old, at least as well as I can.
What does each phase of the punishment result in? If she stays home from the vacation, you will have a LONG cooling off period, which could be good. She might have a LONG time to build up resentment at the punishment, which could be bad.
Taking away her phone and making it so she has a very limited call list- Will that change her behavior? Do you think it will keep her from making plans like this again? Do her friends not have phones that she cah easily borrow?
Taking her car away- Well, that would probably keep her from going some places, but I will tell you I saw my now DH every day when we were 17 because he just told his parents he worked longer hours than he actually worked. Even as an adult I cannot figure out why they were so strict about us seeing each other. We were both really good kids.
Again, how does taking away computer time change her behavior?
I am so glad I am not in your shoes, and I am in no position to even try to act like an expert. I am just pointing out that these punishments might not result in anything but resentment and sneakiness. If she is really mostly a good kid, you might just need to have an "I am so disappointed" type talk to get her back in line. Or maybe a "What can we do to keep you from needing to sneak around" type of talk. I cannot possibly know. Good luck!
ITA!
I would think that since the issue was lying and trust, then consequenses should fit the crime more.........since she betrayed your trust, then you can't trust her word and need to check up on her and keep her in your sight more, yk? No unsupervised trips to the mall/movies/etc until you feel you can trust her.
I'd also get to the bottom of why she lied, and try to work it that out.
Just my .02
__________________ "Honest criticism means nothing: what one wants is unrestrained passion, fire for fire. ~Henry Miller
Pretty soon she is gonna be on her own. Do you trust her? Would you have considered letting her be at the friends house she went to or did she need to lie in order to go there. When I was her age, I had lived on my own for a few years, and was married. I am only 25 now, so i remember very clearly. I was a very trustworthy kid which it seems like your daughter is for the most part. Let her start making her own errors now, the consequenses only get bigger the older you are.
I'd take her on the vacation but tell her that, since you can't trust her, she's going to have to stay with you the whole time (no going out and having fun on her own). I'd also cut back computer access and definately take away the car. I'd also let her know clearly that she betrayed your trust and she's going to have to work at getting it back.
I don't have kids this age, but my sister is only 20, and I remember her pulling alot of stuff like this. I did some stuff like that too. Infact, I did get "grounded" from a really fun trip b/c of one of them. It had NO affect on my behavior, and infact only served to piss me off. I think that you are WAY off to take such drastic measures as taking away a familiy vacation, computer phone, ect. SHe is almost an adult, and you cannot expect her to just do exactly as you say anymore. That said, I do think that for safety reasons she should always let you know where she is. That is reasonable. Maybe instead of being the punisher, you should instead try to work on some boundary issues now. Let her know what you expect of her, to know where she is at all times, that this is a safety issue, that you do trust her, and that you also respect that some decisions are hers, not yours, to make. At this point, you are no longer 100% in charge of her. She is slowly growing into her own person. You need to just guide her into the right direction, but if she is truely going to be on her own, going to college in one year, she needs the experience NOW of making some decisions for herself.
I'd really be more worried about the lying, than where she actually was (I'm assuming that the boyfriend was there, too, and there was probably some sort of party.)
I'd also re-think telling your entire extended family about this. Why do they need to know?
If I were you, I'd probably just tell her that for her safety you must always know where she is, then I'd be restrictive w/ the car (bus to school is a bit much IMO, though), and cancel the next few weekend's worth of teenage activities. I don't like that the punishments you mention will be humiliating. That shouldn't be the point. I'd also load on a few more chores, added responsibility!
and would do every single one fo them if I was you as that is one of the worst lies in my opinion...
Only a few more years before my DD is 17. Gulp.
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