Mamas with Teens and PreteensOh dear- the eye rolling, the attitude, the whines of 'OH MOM'... hormones? just a phase? being a teen is tough- being the mama of one is tougher...
this girl is old enough to be in the military and defend our country~what's so bad about her spending alone time with her bf? i guess i don't get why her lying is such an issue-because kids only lie when they think the answer will be no...and when they don't wanna get into trouble. i'd be exploring my relationship w/her if she lied to me.
i dunno, i guess i'm in the minority w/my teen parenting. imo, they need freedoms at 17 because they're leaving home so soon after this age. they'll have many more decisions to make once they're gone-intimacy being one of them.
i don't think the issue is having a boyfriend or spending time with the boyfriend. the issue is she lied and she didn't have to. for me, lying is a HUGE no-no and the reason for the lying is really irrelevant.
i know teens need freedom, but lying is still not ok.
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Heather
married to carlos for 8 years
mama to sierra 12, alyssa 7 and samuel 6
i don't think the issue is having a boyfriend or spending time with the boyfriend. the issue is she lied and she didn't have to. for me, lying is a HUGE no-no and the reason for the lying is really irrelevant.
i know teens need freedom, but lying is still not ok.
if my teenage ds lied to me about something so huge, i'd be trying to figure out *why* he felt the need to lie about it-and my guess is the girl didn't feel her mother would want her to be intimate with this boy.
Location: In the fine line between reality and sanity!
Posts: 783
That is the exact issue- I am more concerned with her lying than really the other stuff. She is a generally honest kid. She is also very very naive and kind of not-so-street smart. She is just going to be 17 tomorrow. Her first real boyfriend was a huge issue. We took him in basically, as suggested by another mama. We knew he had past issues but we also knew he was good to my daughter, blended with my little kids and treated us with respect. THEN it all started to unravel. He became very possesive of my daughter, controlling her and her other friendships, he did not stay on his meds yada yada yada ending with we needed a restraining order to keep him away from our family.
Fast forward two years, she still has a hard time making solid true friends. She is very very mature thinking and acting. She volunteers, is active for PP etc. So she does nto fit with the teenage idiots that make up about 98% of those around us. When she does click- it sems that she tries really hard to be "a teen". I know she feels really bad.
My Dh is more angry-upset-wanting to punish than I am. But for now she is going to have less access to a regular cell- (yes, I pay for it) and she will only have her car (that I pay for everything except gas) to drive to work.
I do treat her with respect and have trusted her alot after she made the disconnect from the last nigtmare boyfriend. She is truly a cool person to be with and we have the most awesome discussions. She is about 15 years ahead in enightenment than I was at her age. I just want her to know how serious it is to not let us know who-what-when-where etc. When she has a phone and her own car.
I do not plan on leaving her home. I just have to convince dh.
Thanks mamas
Location: In the fine line between reality and sanity!
Posts: 783
Kas-
Though I would prefer that she not be intimate with this boy or any other until she is truly "In love" or older. I am not stupid. I also sit on the state board of PP in Indiana. She is sooo informed on options, choices etc. We have frequent everyday conversations about sex, birth and babies.
I do know that she was sexually active at one time. I think she would tell me if she was again.
I am more wanting to help her so she does not end up with a total idiot BF again. She is such a tender heart. current guy is in "alternative" school for skipping, does not have a license at 18 yo for getting caught driving at 15. etc. etc. I had been cool about him, he ahs been over once and hung out. He just has my radar up again.
Well my kids are 4 and a baby so feel free to ignore me.
I skimmed a few replies and agree that not taking on the vacation would not be the best punishment. I agree with whoever said to take her and build the relationship b/t you. Also to keep her with you as you can't trust her right now.
A big question is how did she respond to being caught? is she remorseful? Hateful? I do think I'd be replacing her phone with only numbers you can program. I would also tell her that you will be requiring her to give you the phone numbers wherever she goes, and that you will CALL and check to make sure she is there (landline phone, not her cell). I think that would be enough punishment myself, as it tends to go along with the offense. Taking away computer time is a good punishment, BUT is she trustworthy on the computer? If so, I don't think thats the best punishment.
I guess how I would react has a lot to do with how she reacted to being found out.
Please do not flame me, and please see that I do NOT have kids anywhere near this old. I am just remembering being that old, at least as well as I can.
What does each phase of the punishment result in? If she stays home from the vacation, you will have a LONG cooling off period, which could be good. She might have a LONG time to build up resentment at the punishment, which could be bad.
Taking away her phone and making it so she has a very limited call list- Will that change her behavior? Do you think it will keep her from making plans like this again? Do her friends not have phones that she cah easily borrow?
Taking her car away- Well, that would probably keep her from going some places, but I will tell you I saw my now DH every day when we were 17 because he just told his parents he worked longer hours than he actually worked. Even as an adult I cannot figure out why they were so strict about us seeing each other. We were both really good kids.
Again, how does taking away computer time change her behavior?
I am so glad I am not in your shoes, and I am in no position to even try to act like an expert. I am just pointing out that these punishments might not result in anything but resentment and sneakiness. If she is really mostly a good kid, you might just need to have an "I am so disappointed" type talk to get her back in line. Or maybe a "What can we do to keep you from needing to sneak around" type of talk. I cannot possibly know. Good luck!
Completely agree. From the point of view of an ex-17-year-old that was *very* inventive at sneaking to see my now DH and from the point of view of a mother of 18-year old.
Just like the other poster pointer out - one more year and she will be an adult and at that point she will not act a certain way because she will be punished otherwise. It's great to foster an understanding relationship between you where she would listen to your voice of experience and advice willingly.
Having said that - I think serious talk is in order, covering *both* points of view, voicing your disappointment at her lying, voicing your fears of why you would not want her to be were she was, etc., AND hopefully bringing her to the level where she will share *her* feelings for the boy/man, *her* fears that made her lie to you and so on.
Best wishes to you and your DD. I know it can be tough, but hey, by now you very well know how tough motherhood can be
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Irina,
Mom to Matt 08/87 Valerie 07/00
Okay, this is the mind-boggling part. They are so close to being "adult" age where they can make their own decisions, right? But, they also seem to vacillate between "gone mad" and lost all good sense.
I just have a very difficult time allowing her to make major or even minor decisions when she is currently either gone mad or lost all good sense. I know there are some teenagers that manage to keep their wits about them, but I am seeing more and more what I've described above (and I don't mean just with my teenager - I've seen and heard lots of stories recently.)
Okay, this isn't even my post, LOL!
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"Peace...it does not mean to be in a place
where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.
It means to be in the midst of those things
and still be calm in your heart." author unknown
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