Mamas with Teens and PreteensOh dear- the eye rolling, the attitude, the whines of 'OH MOM'... hormones? just a phase? being a teen is tough- being the mama of one is tougher...
Location: Failure is a joyless word. Without risk, there can be no gain. If you don't go out on a limb, you will never see the lovely view.
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Hey Karen,
AS you know I have had tons of problems with my teens for the past few years and what I have learned is that taking away too many privileges leaves nothing for you to take away in the future if it happens again.
So I would say this:
Take her on the family trip and try to build closer relationship that way. The last thing she needs is to begin feeling alienated-then she will for sure continue to rebel. They dont always have alot of sense at this age.
The other actions are pretty good-You are not totally denying her all the things that she woudl want, but you are closer monitoring.
You prolly should give her a time limit, say if she is going to have to be signed onto the computer, is this 1 week, 4 weeks, etc....becuase eventually you will have to give it back to her to enable her to prove she can be trusted.
So be specific, or even say, as long as you keep your nose clean for the next month, I will allow you the privilege to sign into the computer, but I will be close to be sure you are making right choices.
Good luck Karen...this is one of the hardest things to deal with IMHO.
And thank you for those clothes....the boys especially are enjoying them
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~Happy Thanksgiving (and Christmas) to YOU ALL
Celebrating it all early 11-22-08 with 6 of the 7 children and 1 of 2 grandbabies~
I am so glad I am not in your shoes, and I am in no position to even try to act like an expert. I am just pointing out that these punishments might not result in anything but resentment and sneakiness. If she is really mostly a good kid, you might just need to have an "I am so disappointed" type talk to get her back in line. Or maybe a "What can we do to keep you from needing to sneak around" type of talk. I cannot possibly know. Good luck![/quote]
I agree this will work for some kids. My oldest would just be humiliated that he had been caught. If this is really something that you think has never happened before and overall behavior is good, I would try the talk and possible grounding from leaving the house (except school/church) without parents for a week or so. Parents also providing all transportation during that time. That would be a more "natural consequence" sort of thing. "You don't go where you say you go, then you only go with supervision." A second offence would be a whole different story.
Hey Karen,
AS you know I have had tons of problems with my teens for the past few years and what I have learned is that taking away too many privileges leaves nothing for you to take away in the future if it happens again.
So I would say this:
Take her on the family trip and try to build closer relationship that way. The last thing she needs is to begin feeling alienated-then she will for sure continue to rebel. They dont always have alot of sense at this age.
The other actions are pretty good-You are not totally denying her all the things that she woudl want, but you are closer monitoring.
You prolly should give her a time limit, say if she is going to have to be signed onto the computer, is this 1 week, 4 weeks, etc....becuase eventually you will have to give it back to her to enable her to prove she can be trusted.
So be specific, or even say, as long as you keep your nose clean for the next month, I will allow you the privilege to sign into the computer, but I will be close to be sure you are making right choices.
Good luck Karen...this is one of the hardest things to deal with IMHO.
And thank you for those clothes....the boys especially are enjoying them
I've had issues with my 16 yo as well, and I completely agree with everything above. Definitely take her on the trip with you- she needs more time with family, not less. I wouldn't do anything with her phone or car, but limiting computer access and making her check in more frequently is something I'd do.
Good luck! Teenagers are so much harder than little kids!
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Suzanne ~ mama to my honor student Peter 11/2/89, my kind and caring Andrew 1/16/94, apple of my eye Samuel 6/5/98, and chichi princess Sophie 10/25/02
Please do not flame me, and please see that I do NOT have kids anywhere near this old. I am just remembering being that old, at least as well as I can.
What does each phase of the punishment result in? If she stays home from the vacation, you will have a LONG cooling off period, which could be good. She might have a LONG time to build up resentment at the punishment, which could be bad.
Taking away her phone and making it so she has a very limited call list- Will that change her behavior? Do you think it will keep her from making plans like this again? Do her friends not have phones that she cah easily borrow?
Taking her car away- Well, that would probably keep her from going some places, but I will tell you I saw my now DH every day when we were 17 because he just told his parents he worked longer hours than he actually worked. Even as an adult I cannot figure out why they were so strict about us seeing each other. We were both really good kids.
Again, how does taking away computer time change her behavior?
I am so glad I am not in your shoes, and I am in no position to even try to act like an expert. I am just pointing out that these punishments might not result in anything but resentment and sneakiness. If she is really mostly a good kid, you might just need to have an "I am so disappointed" type talk to get her back in line. Or maybe a "What can we do to keep you from needing to sneak around" type of talk. I cannot possibly know. Good luck!
ITA! When I was 17 I did the same thing. I was not a bad kid. That guy is now my dh. I moved out before I was 18. That's a difficult age!
about talking to her about your disappointment but dont be overly harsh. She is almost grown. I would definitely take her on the trip and try to have some heart to hearts with her. Have fun. Enjoy her away from the influences of friends. Talk to her about things. Maybe she will open up about what is going on with her.
Also, do you think she is having sex? Do you discuss it ever and does she share your values on this? Have you clearly articulated your expectations about boyfriends etc? Does she have access to birth control etc? I am just asking because I would be concerned about the safe sex issue. Even if you think there is no way in hell she is sexually active, she very well could be and not being safe. I was a straight A student, goody two shoes type and was having sex at age 15, and my parents had NO CLUE!
So my biggest worry would be her physical safety and I would deal with that first. Next, the lying, and as Kim said, just talk to her. Ask why she needed to do that? I guess I would want to have some consequence for her to show that lying is not ok, but I think your disappointment will be the biggest consequence if you have a good relationship with her. A week of no car or something should be enough in my view but I am not big on punishment. Good luck!
I would think that since the issue was lying and trust, then consequenses should fit the crime more.........since she betrayed your trust, then you can't trust her word and need to check up on her and keep her in your sight more, yk? No unsupervised trips to the mall/movies/etc until you feel you can trust her.
I'd also get to the bottom of why she lied, and try to work it that out.
Just my .02
ITA with this. The consequences, especially for a first offense, should fit the crime.
We have an almost-18 yr old living with us, and we just dealt with some of these issues last week. It's TOUGH.
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Heather
Birthday boy eating birthday pancakes. Happy 7th to Erik! My blog
i would NOT take away ANYTHING from her, or ground her from anything.
i would take her on the cruise, and spend lots of mama/dd time with her. ask her questions/promising to not get mad at her for her answers. i'd wanna know if it truly was th first time. how long she's been sexually active, and molst importantly, is she protecting herself?
the most important thing i can think of wanting to know besides those things, is IS SHE IN LOVE with this boy? if she is, then you should invite him over to spend time and hang out with your whole family-taking him out to eat, going shopping, etc. you need to get to know him-and he needs to get to know you-AND WHAT YOU EXPECT OF HIM.
once this happens, HE will not want your dd to get into any trouble-because he'll have respect for you and your limits, yk?
if you put restrictions on her phone, internet (chat/em), etc-it *will* backfire on you, mama. trust me on that.
i used to do "late nights" with my ds's gf-she'd stay late (until mid or so) and watch movies and play games and the i'd take her home. maybe this is something that might work?
Location: In the fine line between reality and sanity!
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Thanks mamas-
I was gone all day.
She is a good kid. WE have an awesome relationship. We do things together etc, I did let her off the hook a while back when she went back out after curfew and hung out with some neighborhood kids this summer. She does not drink, smoke etc. She is a peer counselor for PP! Sooo if/when she does become sexually active, she has acess and is very well informed!
She is home from work now, I did get the kids resricted phone. She will always be able to call us, family, friends and work etc. As for the computer, she spends a TON of time on MySpace and wow- the **** that goes on on there blows my mind!
She is telling me this was accidental etc. Issue is, I do not know this boy who she is "sort-of" dating. He is a HUGE HUGE partier, looked him up today on myspace using another kid's account. That really worries me. She says that is why she is only "sort-of" dating him. I know her friend was covering for her etc. Grrrr. this is so hard.
I was a young mama too, so I do remember, and I did many similar things. My own teen behavior is what is reminding me and scarring the h*ll out of me!I met her dad when I was 17, he was 21... What the h*ll were my parents thinking????
Your reactions/punishments would be mine *exactly*. That is exactly what I would say and/or do if you asked me two or three months ago. But, I wouldn't have let her stay home from the vacation. Family togetherness is important and we don't always have as many opportunities for that once the kids get older. Plus, I just don't know who'd we leave one of our kids with. I wouldn't really want to leave one behind.
Now that I have had a little experience with a teen DD I definitely would rethink all of those punishments, but still I don't know exactly what I'd do???
BTW, there should never be any flames on this type of subject since who really knows what the heck to do with teenagers, anyway! LOL!
We (think) we are just getting off the freakiest roller coaster ride called teenagehood that we could ever have imagined.
Just listen to your heart, mama. I truly wish you and your dd the best. (And I know I am no help here as I am in a similar situation)
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"Peace...it does not mean to be in a place
where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.
It means to be in the midst of those things
and still be calm in your heart." author unknown
Yeah, I do not like MySpace. I do not like what I've seen on there for these young girls. I haven't seen too many boy sites, because most of what I've seen has been over J's shoulder... but it just makes me sad.
I am just pointing out that these punishments might not result in anything but resentment and sneakiness.
ITA. I would take her on the cruise, but not allow her to go out with non-family AT ALL, unless you are around to supervise. And I'd institute that for, say, three weeks, then give her the chance to earn back trust. I wouldn't let her use the car at all and would make her take the bus to school and from school to work (I graduated in 2000 and my school district had no problems dropping kids at jobs, if the parent called about it), then pick her up from work myself. I don't think the phone/internet limiting makes much sense.
I did this sort of thing as a teen and, honestly, that's the only thing that would have made a difference to me. If the punishment for the first offense is too severe, it will just push her away and, IMO, foster future transgressions.
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Melanie :: grad school mama to two little sweeties
I'm with Kas on this one.
Chels is 16 and thank the Lord we've not gone this route (yet) but from what I've seen punishment just builds resentment and walls between us when what I want is for her to trust me and her dad, talk to us, tell us the truth.
Chels doesn't often spend the night at her friends houses because honestly those parents scare me and I don't allow it. Her friends are always welcome here and she has them sleep here often. Thats one way I guess I avoid this.
If she came to me and said she was going somewhere and ended up at his house unsupervised or something I guess I'd want to flip it and tell her why i wanted her here in the safety of our home. For now with her new boyfriend we've told her he is always welcome here. He can crash on our couch anytime (dh says he'll sleep on the other couch lol)
Its so hard to parent a teen
(((((((((((hugs mama)))))))))))))
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~Barb
Mama to Chelsey,19, Zoey,8 and Roman, 5
Happy Holidays from my family to yours!
this girl is old enough to be in the military and defend our country~what's so bad about her spending alone time with her bf? i guess i don't get why her lying is such an issue-because kids only lie when they think the answer will be no...and when they don't wanna get into trouble. i'd be exploring my relationship w/her if she lied to me.
i dunno, i guess i'm in the minority w/my teen parenting. imo, they need freedoms at 17 because they're leaving home so soon after this age. they'll have many more decisions to make once they're gone-intimacy being one of them.
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