amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

~Denise~ · 03-13-2005, 01:05 AM

My 13 yo will be 14 in May. She's a good kid. Straight A's, not someone with self esteem issues, or anymoreso over any other teen her age. She is confident, very self assured, etc, etc, etc....

And today she pierced her own upper ear area. I am in shock. It's not like her to do something like that. And the pain, wow, she is a HUGE wuss about pain. Seriously, she cries and hyperventilates at the mention of "You need a tetanus vaccine"....but she did this.

How do I know? Sarah, my 7 yo, was looking for her ear piercing care lotion. She had hers pierced for the 1st time at the mall a few months ago and still cleans them with the solution nightly. It was missing. I began to remember my oldest, Chelsie, asking me about cartilage piercing. "Can it paralyze your face if done wrong?" and other questions. I remember this happening this week, the questions. I asked her why she asking all of them....because of kids at school, apparently. Who are possibly being allowed to go get their pierced. (I don't know any of her friends who are allowed to do this....)

Chelsie is at her friends for the night. We call her, tell her we "know". She lies, and says she only took the ear cleaning solution because her doubled pierced ears were red (done a year ago). I said no, no way, fess up now. She does. She pierced her own cartilage this morning, in her room.

Sigh.....

What now? Dh wants to go over to her friends house and drag Chelsie home. LOL. Not literally but you know... We won't do that, but it sounds good. LOL. I am just at a loss. Do I try to be understanding and allow it, but discuss lying and breaking my rules? (She asked about getting it done, I said no, maybe when you are older) Do I make her remove it? Help??? WWYD???????

freedomlover · 03-13-2005, 01:11 AM

I don't know what I would do.

I think at the very least I might make her go see the pediatrician to check on the job she did to make sure it looks okay and to get advice about what to do with it.

I say that since our pediatrician once mentioned how her own dd pierced her navel and had an awful infection from it.

The higher on the lobe you pierce.....the more apt it is to have problems.

I do have two teens (neither have done this though). I don't think I'd make a battle of it but discuss concerns about why it happened and what to do now.

EdenAurora · 03-13-2005, 01:17 AM

I'll let the moms with teens or tweens answer but I remember when I was 11 I wanted my ears double pierced so bad. My parents said no way, so I did it myself. I did an awful job. They were uneven. BUT I didn't care. I went on to do 2 more holes on the left side (no need for even-ness if I did just one ear). I think if my parents had just taken me to get the second set done 1) they would have been done right 2) I wouldn't have realized how "easy" it was to do it myself.

I can't say for sure though. It's a tough call. My 14 yr old brother wants his ear pierced desperately. I keep telling him how uncool it is and that chicks won't dig it when he's 25 or 30 but he doesn't care.

I will say that I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. I don't think that picking her up from her sleepover will fix anything. Let her stay there and stew over how much trouble she'll be in tomorrow, LOL. All you can hope is that she gets a minor infection, that isn't serious, but will cause enough discomfort and require effort to heal. Maybe then she'll appreciate doing it the right way, even if it means waiting until she's an adult.

Don't listen to me though. I can't control/handle my 4 and 2 yr olds, LOL.

mamarina · 03-13-2005, 01:30 AM

Cartilage is painful. She will probably take it out before you know it. I had mine done 2 times, and had to take it out both times. I couldn't even answer the phone on that side.

As for consequences... it is a hard call. Having her take it out will only make her want it more, but I can understand the wanting to provide some type of reprocussion (sp?)

Perhaps have her take it out now and earn it (done professionally, so you don't have to worry about the infection thing)? That is what my parents did w/ my belly button.

I don't have teens, but was a rebel not too terribly long ago, lol, and have 15 and 13 y.o. siblings.

dreamseeds · 03-13-2005, 01:53 AM

O my Goodness-look at Marina's kids. So cute!

Denise...big hugs....been through this for a year.

It is a battle I had to pick my battles on this one...but without consequences, my son has each ear peirced and my dd has about 4 holes in her ear and a belly button piercing. They walked all over me on that one.

Lying is not acceptable so I hope you can find a way to have reasonable consequences without intense stress. I really feel for you because it is hard when things like this happen.
Much love, D.

Adria · 03-13-2005, 02:13 AM

I pierced my ears several times when my parents said no, and tried to hide it. Eventually they saw them. They did make me take them out and I would do the same. It's not ok with me, and lying about it is a whole 'nother thing.

I'd talk to her, find out why it was so important she did it anyway, talk about lying, etc. and maybe you'll decide you can live with it. I wouldn't allow my daughter to do it at her age, and if she did she'd have to grow it over. I try and pick my battles like Kristerae said but for us, this would be one of them.

Barb · 03-13-2005, 02:23 AM

Chelsey and I have discussed piercings and mutually agreed that as its more permanent then hair coloring (she's done pink and is red now) , makeup or clothing she should wait til she is 18 when she is of an age to make her own decisions bout her body. If she went and pierced I'd be hurt. And sad. Offended and insulted honeslty.

You said no and she showed blatent disregard for your wishes.

I'd say thats about lack of respect, my feelings would be extremely hurt and thats probably what I'd tell her.She wasn't a victim of your cruelty (my mom is so mean and she won't let me do this. i'll show her. she can't stop me). You made an executive decision as the parent. And she betrayed your confidence in her, acted against your wishes and then treated you as if you were stupid when she lied to you.

I mean you could drag her out of her friends house, tell her she's not allowed to wear the earring and ground her. But i'm not sure any of that would have the affect of just letting her know that she's violated your relationship in a big way. I'd also let her stay and stew. And decide what you want the lesson to be.

I guess (and i'm just guessing so take this for what it is... my guessing)...
I guess that I would tell her that she chose what was important to her- the peircing. So i hope she's happy with it decision. All decisions have consequences - and I hope that piercing is worth it to her. She chose the piercing over her relationship with me or us her parents. It might not be what she meant. But it woudl be how I felt.

I would probably feel, and tell her that I believed our relationship was damaged and I'm not sure how she plans to fix that.

I'd tell her that I'm hurt. and that I"m sad. And that I'll need some time.
And then I'd probably ask her to go to her room and think about what is important to her.

I would want her to think less about the fact that she "disobeyed" or she "got away with it" and more about the fact that she hurt me by doing something i asked her not to, and then lying about it

but now that i re-read that, it might be about guilt so maybe you should ignore me.

Big hugs to you mama. I hope you're all ok.

randahs · 03-13-2005, 02:25 AM

Denise, you're in Sherwood right ? You could take her to see my sister at BlackHole body peircing. She has been a piercer for about eight years. She could look at it for you and tell your daughter some gruesome stories about peircing and why it's probably not a good idea to do it your self, sanitation etc.

~Denise~ · 03-13-2005, 02:35 AM

Your sister works there?!? Ha! Too funny. I almost got my nose pierced there....but they had no woman on staff for that night, and I wanted a woman. LOL. I went to Adorn Body Art and had it done there instead (Beaverton area).

Interesting thought though...I am sure Chelsie knows I know jack about piercings, and thinks my opinion on infections and such must also be "jack"...hearing it from a pro would help. Hrmmm...

Barb, I feel the same. A bit sad that she did not come to me. Or did, and I said no, and I feel sad she did not listen. Or at least did not come back and try to tell me more about WHY it was so important to her. I just really did not get that vibe from her. I am pretty easy going, and she too had dyed her hair purple, etc. I did it for her! LOL. And I really believed she respected my rules, and even opinions, on this. I was wrong, and it does bother me for that reason above all. The actual piercing itself too, but that, to me, os only 10% of it...more is the lying and not respecting me...

~Denise~ · 03-13-2005, 02:40 AM

Barb, I agree...lol...it did sound a bit guilt inducing. LOL. And while I don't think I could say she chose a piercing over our relationship, I can and will say that I am hurt that she felt her want to pierce over-ruled my want for her not to...and that I not only wish she had come to me about how important it was to her, and also respected my rules, and wishes, on waiting....

Sigh....

Natural guilt is not bad though. Kwim? I don't want to cause it, but I will tell her how sad and hurt I am, and angry...and I know her natural guilt will kick in a bit. I hope. LOL.

randahs · 03-13-2005, 02:49 AM

lol, I think she is the only female piercer they have. Her name is Najwa if you want to call her and bring your dd in

She works at the both the Portland and the Beaverton location.

Thmom · 03-13-2005, 05:01 AM

I think it's important that she follows your rules and understands that going behind your back isn't the best idea. I guess I think if you go with "well it's already done so fine keep it" it's just saying she can get away with this in the future kwim...

I personally would make her take it out and talk about when she can get it. Either a specific date or after a specific behavior. Like my 9yr wanted his hair blue, we talked about maturity and making decisions for oneself etc. He started showing more maturity and I let him dye his hair (what a pita that was!)

I also think there should be some consequences to the lieing and decieving.

also, I don't think there is anything wrong true guilt. I mean you shouldn't play it up and badger her with it but if she feels guilt over what she did I think that's a good thing, it means she has a conscious. You may need to "encourage" that guilt buy explaining how you feel about. I would also tell her that if she had come to you and expressed her feelings that you two could have talked about it and come to a compromise rather than her going behind your back and lieing to you.

martinanne · 03-13-2005, 05:25 AM

Although it would be difficult, I think if it were me I would go pick her up from her friend's house immediately. Because lying and disobeying are major offenses, the consequence in our family is grounding. Grounding doesn't include sleeping over at a friend's house, so I would go pick her up.

Picking her up would send a very clear message (not just to dd, but also to her friend and her friend's parents which would make it all the more clear to dd that this is serious).

Much easier said than done, I know.

elliebelly · 03-13-2005, 08:37 AM

i love randah's idea.

and then, after she's had time for the pain to set in pretty good, i think it would be time for a heart to heart about why she went ahead and did it after you said no. i would think an open nonconfrontational talk, with a clear understanding in advance that there are consequences when people violate family rules and you will be determining those consequences, would be a great idea. that way, you do get to hear her side and hopefully she will hear your side as well. in my home, there would be consequences for smething like this. at a minimum, we would have the piercing removed (and have her talk with her pediatrician after randah's sis) but i suspect i would do something that would reinforce the concept of mutual responsibility to each other in a family too.

Livn4them · 03-13-2005, 09:29 AM

Ouch Denise...

My dd is about the same age as your dd...
I think the issue here is that she went behind your back and did it. If my dd did that I'd be furious....my dd has always been upfront with me, she has had her cartilages pierced twice (one was redone). She also has her ears pierced (2 holes)...

She ended up having to let her cartilages close because of SEVERE infections (which landed her in the hospital)..Her ear piercings are also going to close up (and she's had one set since she's a baby) because they are constantly infected. Then again, that is not the norm for *most* people*.

I think there should be consequences for her lying and disobeying...she should be picked up from the friends house (yes...I'm a meanie). She should also have her piercing checked.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with ear/cartilage piercings (within reason of course) as long as the parent(s) agree

Good luck.