Mamas with Teens and PreteensOh dear- the eye rolling, the attitude, the whines of 'OH MOM'... hormones? just a phase? being a teen is tough- being the mama of one is tougher...
I don't have teens, all my answers on these kind of threads are based on how I will handle it when the time comes.
If my teen told me they wanted to get high, I'd try to find out why. Then I would explain why I don't think it's a good idea. I'd also explain that in our house, we have certain rules and drugs, alcohol and tobacco are not tolerated.
I'd also inform her that although I can't make her decisions for her, there are consquences of her choices. I'd explain those consequences, the good and the bad.
Also, my children will know that if we ever find them doing something illegal, we'll turn them in.
And finally, if they chose to break our rules while living under our roof, they will no longer be allowed to live under our roof.
I think if I'm honest, open and sincere with my kids, and especially if they know that I love them and the reasons behind the choices and rules we have, I hope and think my children will make smart decisions.
I'll also love and support them through their unwise choices, but will not encourage or allow it in my home. Meaning, I'd turn them if for something illegal, but I'd also foot the bill for court costs, bail, etc.
Dh and I feel the same way and we talk about this often. I think preparing ourselves for all scenarios, both the ones we'd like and the ones we wouldn't will help us be prepared if the occasion ever arises.
And fwiw, I've never touched alcohol, drugs or tobacco, so I'm not asking or teaching them to do anything I haven't done myself. I think that makes it easier for me than for others.
did you do it and did you let your parents know ahead if time?
not sharing any more at this point since i know the backlash it'll ensue.
aw hell, i don't care.
i've taught my kids to come to me if they're ever curious about smoking pot, drinking, basically all the stuff *most* kids try along the way to adulthood. i don't encourage them to try things, but the fact is, i'd rather they do it in the safety of our home-supervised, than in the back of a car on the roads, or a park-like i used to.
i've also left the door open for '911 emergency need a ride home' calls for them and any friends that may find themselves stuck in an unsafe place, regardless of the time of day/night.
blast away. my kid doesn't drink, smoke, have sex, or get into fights. not yet anyway (i'm against the fighting-but threw that in since there are so many kids fighting in school where we are.)
Re: On the heels...WWYD if your teen wanted to try drugs/drink?......
Quote:
Originally posted by CincoDeMama
curious how differently we all think on this topic as well~
say your teen came to you and told you he wanted to get high (mj), wwyd?
drink a beer?
drink a 6pk of beer?
do a shot of tequila?
do several shots?
thoughts on this?
My thoughts on all of the above would be "No". Just because my child wants to do something, doesn't mean he will get to do so. Since it's my home, and my rules, there will be no drinking, smoking, or drugs. When they are old enough to move out and get their own home, they will be old enough to make their own choices about such things without me needing to be part of the decision.
What my child chooses to do behind my back, is up to him, and between him and God. I hope that I have been clear enough with them that they understand that when they do things in private, God still sees and judges. Just because "I" don't see what they've done and they don't get immediate punishment, doesn't mean that they got away with it or that it's only wrong to "me". I would hope that knowing we don't approve would help to give them guilt if they ever choose to do it anyways, behind our backs.
mamas, listen to my question... wwyd if they...fill in the blank here with everything in my above post...???
OK, LOL, I hear ya!
What would I do? Big sigh. Hmmm? Think. Think. Think.
My daughter is 14 and one day came home with her friend. They were being silly - as 14 yr old girls will be. My daughter asks, with real excitement, "Oooo - can Lauren and I taste the watermelon liquor!? Can we!? Can we!? Pleeeeeeeease!!!!!!".
I laughed. Rolled my eyes. And said "Sure! Whatever!"
I think they split a shot. I was in the room with them but purposely turned my back and kept busy with whatever I was doing so they wouldn't feel watched or judged. I figured if I said "No!" then their curiosity would still exist and perhaps one day they would be at Lauren's house, without a mom present, and have a taste of watermelon liquor, and maybe the story wouldn't end so well.
So what would I do if my kid seriously wanted to experience getting high? (I really don't want to be flamed here so this is really hard to say) Seeing as I already educate and enlighten my kids in good responsible behavior on a daily basis and I really do not presently see them at risk of Addictive/Alcoholic behavior --- I would probably say "Ok, lets have a go at that!" and maybe (just saying MAYBE here because I haven't been in this position yet!) split a 6-pack with him.
I think the idea does deserve some merit. This way you can get a feel for how your kid acts/reacts under the influence and you have a clear cut real life example of how judgement is impaired and can point it out. Plus bonding (I feel flames already). I think you have the opportunity to represent something to your child - and it's not a message that you are irresponsible - quite the contrary IMO. Anyway - I have my reasons for saying what I am. I am not naive or uneducated in my response here. I have a degree in Psychology. I have worked for many years in social work. I have a 14 year old. I was a teenager. My father is a Drug and Alcohol Counselor. My father is also a 'recovering alcoholic'. I think my opinion is a pretty educated one. But then again - it's still my opinion, and it's still not completely representative of what I would actually do in the above named situation.
I'd have no idea where she'd get the pot LOL. I'd tell her it was illegeal and she can be arrested, and if I find any in her room I'll be the one calling the police.
When she had the stomach flu with severe headache I told her that was what a hang over felt like. Pretty strong incentive to not drink that six pack.
In our home wine is part of dinner, part of the culture. If she wants some it's fine with me so long as it's a taste, appropriate to her age.
I do NOT believe in experimentation or 'kids will be kids'. I didn't and don't see why people say "everyone tries it as a teen" cause none of my friends, my family didn't. Most kids don't actually.
I have told Emily she should wait until she's 21 and she can make up her own mind. Until then I'm the mom and what I say goes.
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~Meg~ teacher, podcaster, but mostly sahm to my trio of little women (4, 6, 17)wife to Mr Big and dog-ma to Indy the crazy miniature golden retriever
OK. My mom smoked pot with me, starting when I was 13. Then she let me drink in her house, starting when I was 14. Then she let me have boyfirends stay the night, starting when I was 15. Then me and boyfriends played shack up together from that point on. It was all very open. I never had to hide anything.
I still wandered around the parks and streets of the city. I still had sex in the backseat of cars, or at parties. I still did lots of drugs, drank lots of booze, I was still a promiscous girl, I experienced muggings, date rapes, abusive relationships, STD's, (these are not all MY experiences, but in my circle) and got pregnant at 17.
Do I, now, as a mother, thank her for all that? Am I glad I had such a cool mom? He!! no.
So, I had it both ways. Dad and stepmom wouldn't even talk about sex drugs and rock and roll. Mom considered it all a rite of passage that I should be allowed to experiment with. I've got to find some kind of middle ground.
Originally posted by CincoDeMama i'd rather they do it in the safety of our home-supervised, than in the back of a car on the roads, or a park-like i used to.
What happened to "I'd rather they not experiment with drugs at all"? I can tell you that is an option to raise kids who have no interest in drinking or drugs at all. In this thread and the other, I see implications that all kids are just going to want sex, drinking, or drugs and that any who think they aren't are just naive. This is just so untrue. Kids live what they learn, both positive and negative.
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Look mom, I can fly!
All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: The US will not ignore your oppression or excuse your oppressor.
George W. Bush
January 2, 2005
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I guess my first answer would be, "And where are you going to get this alcohol/drug?"
Because we ain't got any. LOL!
I started drinking at 13, experiemented with many other things by 15. My parents were the "We'll kill you" kind of parents. Yeah, that worked. I drank to escape the horror they created in my house. I partied like it was 1999 throught the last part of the 70s and the first part of the 80s.
My kids don't have to do any chemicals to escape their home life. I've made sure of that. They are secure and happy and they believe we think they are the greatest, smartest, most beautiful, most special kids in the world.
We are very open about them coming to us for anything. They know we will absolutely love them, even if they get in trouble. I believe they would. I also think they MIGHT experiement without telling me. Because I was a kid not too long ago.
But if they came to be and said those things, I would find out what the situation was. I would remind them of the discussions we'd had up to then. If it was because of peer pressure, we would address that. If it was because they needed their mood altered because of something going on, we would address that, etc.
They have seen me drink one beer. Which they do NOT let me forget (Mom, YOU drink. Remember when you had that BEER that time?!?) I've been married to dh for almost 20 years and I've never seen him take any drink at all. I may drink when I go out, but not so that they would be able to tell and not so that I am affected at all when I come home.
I don't allow anyone to drink in the house. I don't PREACH against it. We just don't do it. Like we don't speak Russian, we don't have llamas, we don't use green lightbulbs, we don't grow banana trees. It just isn't part of our lifestyle here at home. We don't smoke and neither does anyone who comes here.
How can we teach them not to, if we do it? That's always been my thing (and I don't put that on anyone else, it just how I get through the day). The gray area being I might have a drink if I go out (yeah, like once a year woo-hoo!). But I am an adult and I don't drive if I do (what a blessing a non-drinking spouse is, huh!).
Oh, and I do love me some tequilla shots. And Jell-O shots. And Long Island Tea. And sippin' whiskey.....
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Denise
Mama of three by adoption and birth (ages 18, 15 and 13)
I think this question is the hardest for me to answer. I just don't know what I'll do. We still drink. We don't do anything else, but we do drink. I suppose I just don't want her to be afraid to call me if she gets in a bad situation. I don't want her to binge drink or get raped or have to deal with an OD. I just don't know.
Adding: They absolutley know that they can call anytime from anywhere with no conseqences rather than EVER get behind the wheel of a car themselves or with anyone else.
I have no clue how I survived adolesence. Not a clue. We just to drive around so that we COULD drink.
I think it makes a big difference if its an older teen or a younger teen. If my 13 y/o said they wanted a beer, I'd probably let them have half of one. A 6pk - no. A shot - no. That goes triple for several. I might let them taste the tequila in hopes that it would turn them off for life!!! LOL! I would NOT tell them that they are not to do it and its against the rules. Rules are made to be broken, and then I would just be setting myself up to be lied to. I will make it clear to my children that they can tell me anything they do (or want to do) without fear of punishment or belittlement. Of course, I would try to talk them out of doing hard drugs, but at no point will you ever hear me saying "YOu better not let me catch you with this in my house!" Like I said - you're just promoting secrecy and lies, and you'll end up with a kid who is never gong to tell you anything about what's going on with them or their friends. I prefer to have a trusting relationship with my kids.
Now, if they were 17 or older and asked... i would probably (don't stone me or turn me in for this - i haven't done it yet!!!) give them a beer. I might even let them enjoy a 6 pack in the basement on a friday night. i might even let them do a shot, or several shots. in my experience, both as a teen and in dealing with teens, THEY ARE GOING TO FIND A WAY TO DO IT ANYWAY! At that stage, do you want them out (and this is the reality of the matter) drinking as much alcohol as they could possibly want in their cars, while driving around on the weekends - at risk of getting caught by the cops and/or killing themselves behind the wheel - because they have no place to safely drink. (what kind of a run-on sentence was that!?) Or do you want them consuming limited and specified amounts of alcohol at your discretion, inside the safety of your own house - where you know that they are not going to get into a wreck, get in trouble with the law, get in a knife fight and get killed, etc.
i'm a young mama, only 22 and barely out of her own wild and crazy days, so this plays a big part in my thinking. i was a wild child, and i paid for things i did. i had my stomach pumped at the age of 14, i believe, drinking tequlia at a friend's house after school. i have chugged much vodka with boys in the back seat of cars and have drank in fields and parks. I have gotten drunk with people i didn't know or particularly like - including dangerous people, because i had no where else to get it and/or no other place to do it.
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Claire, Mama of two boys, Montessori Teacher, Star Mona Vie Distributor.
(i'm against the fighting-but threw that in since there are so many kids fighting in school where we are.)
Rules are rules and if you live here then you follow the rules and that means EVERYBODY!! Yes, DH and I also follow those rules ;-)
Claire, Mama of two boys, Montessori Teacher, Star Mona Vie Distributor.
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