Rearranging Expectations

[KimberMama]

I've been rearranging furniture for a couple of days, and when I read some of the recent posts here at S&T I thought about how Jen's post about Pa and the boots is all about rearranging expectations. I'll post some of my ideas, and everyone please post yours.

What are our expectations? Do they follow the culture, as they are surely influenced by it? Even if we swim against the mainstream, are their expectations within the alternative community?

Our culture and our families teach our children that more things and expensive gifts are what they should want. We have actively worked to reduce their expectations. We've gone from huge Chuck E. Cheese parties to small no-gift parties at home. My parents will still go overboard, but gifts from us are simpler now. We choose to meet needs (bicycles), to give homemade gifts (hats for Valentine's day), and to invest in quality toys that last. We've taken the boys thrifting so much now that they no longer think that new is the best way to get something. When it comes to DH and I we usually give homemade cards or handwritten letters. If we do exchange gifts we get something useful and long lasting.

With food, our goal is to have enough simple, healthy food. We are actively working to tame the snack monster, the one who says that snacks should be salty or sweet and not healthy. Healthy snacks are unlimited, and unhealthy snacks are coming into the house less and less.

The concept of a special occasion: Too often a "special occasion" happens too often for it to be truly special. A twice a month trip to Kmart isn't a special occasion and doesn't warrant buying a cold drink. Cane sugar sodas on the 4th of July are more special if we don't have them every week.

I am working on letting go of the expectation that every room in my house be beautifully decorated with furniture that coordinates. My life is not a Martha Stewart ad! There is a lot of pleasure to be derived from making do with what you have.

Likewise, fashion really isn't important in the big scheme of things. What we need are clean clothes that are appropriate to the weather. I've learned that "splurging" on an $8 new shirt doesn't make me feel any better than "splurging" on a a $3 thrift store shirt (in fact, the new shirt brings me less pleasure, and there's another $5 I could have saved). I buy almost all of my boys' shirts for less than $1. Even DH is on board now.

Entertainment: we never see the latest movies. Our boys go to the movie theater once or twice a year and it is a big deal. We've given up all of the big ticket entertainment experiences as well. There's a lot to be said for staying home and reading or playing games. A little sleuthing often turns up free entertainment in the community, such as summer concerts. The astronomy club offers several free star and planet gazing nights a year, through 10-20 great telescopes.

Staying home is underrated in our culture. There is an expectation that toddlers and preschoolers should be taken to every sort of event possible so that they can absorb art, culture, music, etc. But really, what does a 2YO get from a Picasso exhibit? Can't some things be saved for later? Staying home with kids can yield great pleasure. Stephanie mentioned building sheet forts with her son. Playing games at home is fun, as is making art together, cooking together, gardening together. Back to the Little House theme ~ Laura and Mary were mostly home with Ma (and Pa), and their lives were rich with experiences.

I don't want to be a consumer of experiences any more than I want to be a consumer of unnecessary goods.

I am thinking about September. Many people have called for a local food challenge, and I was thinking about a hard core Compacting month. I think though, that I may set some goals for changing my expectations and work on finding gratitude and simplicity. In other words, what do I really need to be happy? (Another post, for later.)

[JenTwo]

Originally Posted by KimberMama

What are our expectations? Do they follow the culture, as they are surely influenced by it? Even if we swim against the mainstream, are their expectations within the alternative community?

There's a large "alternative community" here. We met a wonderful woman a couple weeks ago because our children are the same age. She appears hippie and is very much like-minded (waldorf, farming, sustainability, off-grid, WAHM). She commented that I'm a hippy in disguise with blue jeans and t-shirt. It's a good analogy. If one is a treehugger they must look a certain way, buy a certain way, etc. What if you just DON'T buy?

Our culture and our families teach our children that more things and expensive gifts are what they should want. We have actively worked to reduce their expectations... We choose to meet needs (bicycles), to give homemade gifts (hats for Valentine's day), and to invest in quality toys that last. We've taken the boys thrifting so much now that they no longer think that new is the best way to get something.

Today we made jingles sticks and yarn dolls (Petrash's Earthways). So simplistic, easy, inexpensive, etc. The kids think it's better than a birthday. New toys! They've never seen anything like them which makes them better than storebought in the kids' mind. Days like this remind me of why it's not worth my money to even look outside of myself for things like toys.

The concept of a special occasion: Too often a "special occasion" happens too often for it to be truly special.

Have you watched The Incredibles? "We keep finding new ways to celebrate mediocracy!" Something like that. It's true. Life should be celebrated but not by the means society has come to believe thanks to business ploys. Celebration now goes hand-in-hand with party, junk food, etc.

Staying home is underrated in our culture. There is an expectation that toddlers and preschoolers should be taken to every sort of event possible so that they can absorb art, culture, music, etc. But really, what does a 2YO get from a Picasso exhibit? Can't some things be saved for later? Staying home with kids can yield great pleasure. Stephanie mentioned building sheet forts with her son. Playing games at home is fun, as is making art together, cooking together, gardening together. Back to the Little House theme ~ Laura and Mary were mostly home with Ma (and Pa), and their lives were rich with experiences.

A topic near and dear to my heart! Socialization is a newer concept. Not too long ago the idea of sending a child to school for socialization would have been laughed at. There is also a natural progression to societal relationships that has been abandoned in the American culture. Birth to approx. 2 years is baby and parent. Around 1.5-2 the baby starts to interact with siblings. Ages 2-4 it's extended family and close friends. Ages 4-6 is getting out in society WITH parents as the means of stability. Age 7 and up is developing independence from parents for short periods of time. But now children are sent to preschool at 2.5-3 years old and are gone from their parents for 8+ hours a day by the age of five.

I am thinking about September. Many people have called for a local food challenge, and I was thinking about a hard core Compacting month. I think though, that I may set some goals for changing my expectations and work on finding gratitude and simplicity. In other words, what do I really need to be happy? (Another post, for later.)

I could stand a hardcore compacting year. Really. I think I've taken the last eight months evaluating when and how I make mistakes, learning how to evaluate myself and I'm finally where I want to be.

[KimberMama]

Jen, I love your insights.

I've been thinking of this more globally:

Don't expect things to be cheap, and also don't compromise values to purchase cheap things. I don't mean inexpensive. But a cheap toy from China has wide repercussions, not only to the children who play with them here in the USA, but also to the workers who are working with the lead paint to begin with, and to the earth. It all comes because we are a culture who expects everything to be cheap. When we rearrange our expectation on this we may have fewer things, but they will be of quality and will not compromise us as human beings.

Don't expect things to be easy. I think as a culture we do expect things to be easy and we shy away from things that seem hard, even though we pay more for convenience. Teaching our own children (which I know isn't for everyone), baking our own bread, cooking our own food, hanging our laundry, doing home repairs, etc. Heck, I know a lot of people who think cooking a pot of beans is "too hard".

Don't expect the earth's resources to last forever. We need to conserve water, oil, trees, etc.

Don't expect everyone to approve of what you do, how you dress, where you buy things, etc. Let it go. If my SIL thinks it is "gross" to buy thrift store clothing, let her think it. Stand proud in your convictions. Don't try to change people; know where your sphere of influence lies.

Don't equate frugal living with being deprived. A child who plays a board game at home with his/her family isn't deprived just because s/he isn't at the movies, the zoo, or Disneyland. A child who wears used clothing and lives in a frugal household may be less deprived than a child who has everything including parents that are so in debt that they fight and worry constantly, always charging more, always piling the debt into their homes so they can have more (not meant as judgment of those who use HELOCs to get a handle on finances and reverse the debt spiral).

Don't forget that most of us have far more than the rest of the world. We have computers, or access to computers. We're talking about reducing meat consumption, not about how to stretch our daily ration of millet. We can talk about having too many books. We can discuss using less A/C and electricity (which means we have these things). We pee into drinking water, something most of the world's population doesn't have a safe supply of.

September is the month that things ease up for us, when there is a bit more money each month. I'm not taking it for granted this year; I want to save every penny of the extra and cut my monthly expenses as well.