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Hi!! I am back to the world of the living...
This last two weeks were SO strange... I have been grieving a little bit. I mostly feel sad in spurts now... I am not breaking down at all any more. I do miss him, but it is a functional grief... and I am angry at Frank, but I am a productive angry.
Regarding life:
Don working nights has really thrown us for a loop. Now instead of Don not sleeping, no one is sleeping. Not because I am worried about anything... I am just very used to waiting for him to come home. Well I can't do that if he does not... you know? So most nights I am up till after midnight, and don't sleep well until he gets home. And Cyan wakes up when he gets home every night right now... either that, or she is already in our bed, and up waiting for him to return. So none of us are sleeping, and Cyan is pissed at Don, meaning I get no breaks from children, because any time I do have away from them I hear her yelling from the other room. Poor thing is just really mad. Transitions at two must really suck. And poor Don... omg... the guy is ALWAYS tired, and with me being tired too, it is hard for us to get ANYTHING done. I am the one that keeps things together... so with out me being functional, and him being tired... he is lost. He had to buy food at night last week because neither of us remembered to pack him anything. Which of course we had to put on the credit card... ugh.
Regarding money:
I went in and talked with the DSHS people. I told her that since December we have lived off the credit card, paid off the credit card with our tax return and then lived off the credit card again because Don is in school, constantly looking for work and then reserves and volunteer time, and I can't get a job that would be worth the effort and time it would take away from my children right now. She said "oh boy honey..." and "Don't you know that you are exactly who we are here to help?" It felt good to be able to say how hard this all has been. I also asked her if it was possible to ask for monetary help just for this month, and she said "Oh yes, just talk with your case worker".... so all sounds good there. I have an apt on Wed of next week. I hope they can do something. I am looking into asking my dad for money again to pay rent. He said it was fine... and with the inheritance I will have no trouble paying him back, but I still feel like I have tapped out that resource... but I am still glad he is there. So I think this time next month we should be right where we need to be, and it will be much easier than last time we were on assistance because Don is working by the hour and his income is much more predictable than when he was getting paid by the piece. (That could be $1700, or $200, we just never knew before pay week). So now we know he makes $1100 after taxes, and then I get $327 (child support), and that is FIXED income. No more (bummer) but no less (thank god).
That is a little update on me. I am still feeling rather detached and unemotional except when I start thinking about all of this and then I go outside and just sit in the rain. The stress is still here, but I am managing it better. I don't know what I feel half the time... and most of my Picies Moon emotional side does not make sense to my Aquarius Sun detached and hard working side. (If that makes ANY sense at all.) I want to be detached... but I am over-emotional a lot right now, and because I want to be detached I have a hard time trying to find meaning for the emotions I do have. I feel like such a mess... but there is light. Ahhhh... there is light. With in 30 days we should at least be stable. That is good... that is light.
*Deep Breath* Blissfully normal!
Love Val
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Hey Val! I've been thinking about you and wondering how it you've been. It sounds like a wonderful feeling to have the DSHS lady validate your situation and tell you that you are in the situation that they may be able to help. What a big sigh of relief.
Ainsley Grace (7/01), Finley Paul 
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