Location: When I dare to be powerful -- to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.
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**UPDATE** How about my goal for this week is not to go mad...
**UPDATE** Frank and I have talked for most of today. We were able to spend quite a few hours talking about all this and the fact is he just does not know yet. I am angry that this can not be something that he just says "Yes, of course you can continue your life the way it is with out me messing it up." But at the same time, somewhat sympathetic to the fact that he is 56 yrs old and does not own a house of his own. The trouble is, that he is planning on selling it (even to me) at whatever he can get for it. (Doesn't that just blow?) I don't even know what to think of this. I am angry, but at the same time I have no rebuttal. I have no argument against, that is not "But I'm your daughter... this is just wrong!"... So that won't work. Anyway, we have months before we have to figure it out, because he won't take possession of the house until everything closes, and then after that it will be a couple months before he can get out here to do anything about it... so we have until the end of the summer at least. It is so hard to think about being that selfish with my kids around, but I guess I was never really his child and this just proves it. At least he is making an effort to try and get along with me, and not telling me how it is... and he did say that I was a wonderful parent and he was glad that Don and I had such an obviously loving relationship though all of this. I don't know... perhaps it is time to give this house up... I just don't know, and that was what was driving me crazy when I first wrote this. I hate being stuck in limbo. But life is what it is, and at least I know he hasn't changed miraculously. As much as I would love that... but he is still self centered, and hard to communicate with, and so dam charming it is hard to argue with... I just don't know if I should start letting it go, or if I should fight... I just don't know.
Zachs memorial is tomorrow night... I miss him.
Love Val
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My uncle died. This is very sad. I was not super close to him, but closer than I am to any other uncle I have... So I am in shock... but it is even bigger than that. He owned my house. Now it is passed to my bio-dad, whom I don't speak to. I don't know what is going to happen there. Frank (bio-dad) does not know he owns it yet... I only know because his sister (my aunt) told me that is the way my uncles will was written 4 months ago.
Then there is Don... he is in Reserves, night AND day classes (and two Saturdays a month), and is doing ride alongs as much as possible... which means I don't see him much. Well he just got a night job. 4 days a week he is doing security... From 6pm till 4am... that is cool in the way of "we will not be living on the cc anymore" but hell in the way of he will be home two mornings a week tops (every other Sat and Sundays) and that is it. Welcome to the world of single mom... again.
Then there is money. The cc is up again... but we will have money coming in. But we don't know where from, and we can't apply for assistance because we don't have a landlord right now, we don't have a job right now (because he is not in the training yet even, much less gotten a pay stub, he got hired today, better late than never I guess...) and we technically have not been making bills for three months according to anything I could tell them, you know? (Thank god for CC's and tax returns.)
Child support was supposed to be deposited on the 1st... OF FEB... still not here. So there go bills for this month.
Then there is the scam that Don got sucked into from E-bay... when we got our tax return we each got $250 to do with what we wanted... I got a stereo (did not have one, and I spent $120) and some clothes from the Value Village 1/2 off sale. Don got $260 sun glasses... that were a total scam and now we are out sun glasses and $260 which we TOTALLY could not afford...
Alex is grounded... have you ever noticed that this is a way bigger punishment on the parents than on the kids. Yep... this week F&*()%ing sucks!
And then my bio-dad is coming... he got into Seattle this afternoon... Did I say we don't talk? Well that is about all going to change. I have two funerals to attend with him, as his DD... WTF? Also I am all of a sudden going to be doing ALL OF THIS alone. Because Don starts work this week.
How about my job for this week is not to loose my mind? How about that? But no, I have to prove my my bio dad that I love this house, so he does not sell it out from under me, and because I don't know him, I really have to keep that as an option. So I could be moving... or I could get a break on rent... either way this stress is driving me mad today. I am so stressed out I am compleatly numb. You can feel the stress around me. What kind of test do I need in this life... I feel like Little Albert. (You know, the baby who was put in a room with rats and had pans banged behind his head to prove Behavioral Psychology??) Or maybe Pavlov's Dogs... yeah.... that is a good one to. Oh Holy Hell... Breathing now.
Love Val
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Val; Living the dream we have been working towards for over 5 years.
Mama to Alex, Cyan, and Logan. Wife to my very best friend.
Location: firmly planted in the postmodern pastoral economy
Posts: 12,018
{{{{Val}}}}
Just sending you lots of love, peace, and strength right now. I haven't been in your shoes, but I have been that completely stressed. It is so difficult to keep it together when you are like that. I know.
I wish I were there...I would make you tea, give you a massage, get the kids to sleep magically . Take good care of yourself, ok? Hang in there. B....r....e....a....t....h.....e.
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My birthday twins, 8 and 10
Be realistic: Plan for a miracle. ~Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh
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Ugh, what a difficult week for you. Definitely let me know if we can help in any way...we don't live that far. I'll be thinking about you...sending calm thoughts your way. Looking forward to our next get together!
Love,
Christy
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~Christy~
Mama to Ainsley Grace (7/01), Finley Paul and Jade Aurora (10/06)
Oh Val, thanks for updating us! I was thinking about you over the weekend, keeping my fingers crossed for a smooth discussion with Frank.
I hear that you are feeling confused and scared about your family's future.
When I am in limbo situations like this and it doesn't look like things are going to turn out like I want, I try to take a deep breath (or many!) and tell myself to TRUST what is happening. I remind mydelf of situations that I wanted so badly to turn out one way and when they turned out different. Often I realize later that the old saying "everything happens for a reason" usually rings true. There may be a reason why all of this is happening...it is just impossible to see right now.
HUGS to you and your family! Try to be easy on yourself, this is a difficult time. Ask from others and give yourself the space to grieve.
Location: firmly planted in the postmodern pastoral economy
Posts: 12,018
Gosh, how tough. {{{{Val}}}}
Matt has a strange relationship with his dad, and I kind of have an idea of how wrapped up this all must be for you...all kinds of issues from the safety and stability of your family, to your relationship with your dad, to your love of your house...all wrapped up into one.
I think Christy's words are so wise...and that kind of attitude is what got me through the tragedy and trauma I went through with the business dh and I were running, our own personal financial tragedy, Jake's difficult birth and infancy and diagnosis, and the second diagnosis...Matt's unemployment...you know, the difficulties that *just kept coming* at us one after another after another. I grew up so much, and there's loss there, no doubt. I lost a lot of innocence, and I don't have the same kind of trust that I used to.
But...I trusted in the universe to provide, it was the only thing that got me through. And whether we made the right choices or wrong, or could have done things differently - the universe did provide. Staying close with Matt through that was incredibly important, and being with my kids and trying not to let my stress affect them. I focused on that - as I know you are - and it got me through.
I'm sending you lots of love and have been thinking of you constantly!
Location: When I dare to be powerful -- to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.
Posts: 9,455
Thanks you guys. I think the worse part about this whole thing that really hurts me is that I have been working on this house, this yard, and this houses energy for 2 years now... Although Zach paid for most of the things we put in, the fact still remains that I did A LOT of work to save trees, and remodel the basement, and fix up the yard. And all of this stuff I am in the end going to get charged for, by my own father. I narrowed it down to not surprize, but disgust. I am not surprized... not at all. I knew who he was, and hoping that some nurturing lessons came for him in the last 4 years since I saw him was futile and hopeful at best. But now I see that there are so many more things I missed... like just how self centered he can be, and how hurtful it is to now have him tell me I can't get a dog for security with Don working nights because the house is an "investment". What BS.... So that is where I am today. I am really hurting... and is there anyway, or any time for me to tell him this? NO. He is leaving tomorrow, and the night of his brothers funeral should not be bombarded with our $hit. So now I feel helpless, and my best option in many cases is to just let it go. Hold on for as long as it lasts, but I am not paying $250,000 to my father for a house I held up and spent years improving. Not doing it. So in the end the house will be out of my family, and the fact that he does not value that really hurts. I guess it just seems that he is a toxic force in my life.
The fact that he said all of this to me makes me ill.
Thank you for the support... I can't ask for better friends. I am feeling sick I am so hurt on the inside... and we don't have the time to weigh it out.
There was a time when I would have been surprised... none of this surprizes me anymore. And I still have that nagging feeling that I can't have him disapprove of what I am doing. THAT makes me really mad, becuase it should have NOTHING to do with him anymore. *I* should have nothing to do with him anymore... but I love him. What do we do there?
Then there is all the other stuff... Zach was such an wonderful man. He left me a 14th of his apt proceeds after it sells. And the most surprizing is that he left DON a 14th of his apt too. That could easily be between 14K and 20K between the two. I have never had anyone think of me in death before, and even less my husband. I was thinking how shocking it must seem from the outside that he and Frank are from the same family. And then it made me realise that Zach was self centered in life as well... not to the extent that Frank is, but he was not a generous man in many ways. In death you can be gracious... and he was so very gracious I just don't even know what to think. And I will remember him that way always, as was his wish I am sure.
I am on my way to the funeral. Thank you again for being there. I love you all.
why did your uncle leave it to Frank and not you guys or someone else? Did he just change his will recently and do you have any idea why? How long have you lived there? That really does suck that he just wants to get the most out of it he can. I'm sorry mama. I think I would do everything I could to get out asap and never look back though. Bad kharma and all.
Maybe you can use the money your Uncle left you for a down on the house and see if your Dad will let you make payments to him for it? Can you use the rest of your tax return money to cover the cc? Or take back the stereo and things to pay the cc? Just to cover it and get it out of your mind? Worrying about money just stinks. )o: I hope your Dad is indeed willing to work with you and draw up some sort of legal arrangement for the house and payments perhaps? Good luck Mama!!!!
__________________ "Custom will reconcile people to any atrocity."
George Bernard Shaw
Oye, that sucks Honestly though, that house is probably more in the $350K range. House prices are outrageous here right now. We are getting ready to put this crappy 1976 ranch home on the market for $215K and we will get at least that much. Everything on this street has sold for more than asking in the last few months.
But I agree with the above posters - everything happens for a reason. Maybe the perfect home awaits you or maybe this is the chance for your father to act like a parent. Something will give Val!
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Allison
mama to Ara, Simone, and Zarin
Location: When I dare to be powerful -- to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.
Posts: 9,455
Re: Just out of curiousity...
Quote:
Originally posted by MamaJosie why did your uncle leave it to Frank and not you guys or someone else? Did he just change his will recently and do you have any idea why? How long have you lived there? That really does suck that he just wants to get the most out of it he can. I'm sorry mama. I think I would do everything I could to get out asap and never look back though. Bad kharma and all.
Zach left it to Frank because Frank lived in it for over 15 years. He paid Zach rent ($785/mo up until 1995) They were both getting a hell of a deal considering Zach owned it outright, and Frank was getting HUGE 5 bedroom etc house for next to what it would cost for a 3 bedroom apt in this area. I understand the logic... and on top of that, Frank has managed his money so badly up until the last few years (he is out of debt as of this last year only) that he has nothing... he is still renting the house they own in NC... so that is why Zach left it to him.
I have only been here for 2 years. Well, not true, I lived here for much of when Frank had it... he was my father at a time. But he decided to choose the woman he lives with over me just after I was 16 (or when I was 8, or when I was 12 depending on which time you are counting) and I have seen him three times since 1995... talked to him maybe ten times since then as well.
Allison if you are right we are going to have to get out of here soon... because if he can get $350K, he will want it. And how fringin' sad that he would take that from his daughter. But if he does ask for that, well I am not going to pay it... not only that, but I think that it would set up such a rift in the family that it would not be worth it. Both of my aunts are disgusted by the way he is dealing with this, and are rather protective of me. For this I am forever grateful....
All in all I am doing ok with it these last few days. I have dug in the earth, and yesterday I enjoyed the sun a little and both have felt exceedingly wonderful. My children are wonderful, I have great friends, and my husband and I are closer than ever (even though we do not see each other often now at all). Honestly, what more could I ask for? Along with spring, I feel very blessed, and I have over 6 months to figure out what we need to do. So I will keep my chin up and keep looking. What else is there? Perhaps something will just call to me... and I just have not been open enough to see it... perhaps. Here's hopein'
. Take good care of yourself, ok? Hang in there. B....r....e....a....t....h.....e.
Ainsley Grace (7/01), Finley Paul 
and 
Try to be easy on yourself, this is a difficult time. Ask from others and give yourself the space to grieve. 
I am feeling sick I am so hurt on the inside... and we don't have the time to weigh it out. 
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