Long ass vent about what has been going on... and why that article hit me so hard.

[BlueRoseMama]

When Don and I got together it was really easy for me to have money. I had over 2000 in the bank at all times because my dad had given me a quarters worth of tution... and I saved it for when I really needed it (after my financial aid ran out I used it...) I had 5 (yes 5) bank accounts... one for the first month of the quarter, 2nd month of the quarter, 3rd month of the quarter, savings, and Alex's accpount which I put $100 from his child support in when ever I could (which honestly was not that often being a single mom). When I met Don I thought it very indearing that he would spend his last dime on taking me out to dinner. I found it sweet. When I finished college and started teaching it seemed interesting... and after we moved in together and got married (make no mistake... it was in that order ) it got down right ANNOYING... how could he live that way? He never kept a check registar... he never worked out what he had... as far as he was concerned money in his account was fair game... even if checks had been written on it. He did not have bills until we moved in together, he lived with his parents at 23 yrs. So anyway... I took over the money, after he put $900 on a CC for overdraws. I was teaching, he was blowing glass, and we only had one child who was out of dipers, and in daycare only three days a week (my mom had him the other two). We had few but living expences and my car... and we were able to do what ever we wanted. We always had money. Then I quit because I had two miscarriages in 7 months, and got pregnant again with in three weeks of the second. Yes I was pregnant all but 4 months out of 19. So I quit my job and started to stay home. This changed our income a little, but with me not needing to be anywhere, and not needing to pay anyone to watch Alex we were just fine. I started nanning for Maia and Quoia and I was making MORE than I was teaching (isn't that sick???) and we were in the money! I got a little savings account together and was starting to get things back on track and winter hit... taking Don's income with it. (Let me tell you seasonal work BLOWS, unless it is BIG money! Artists don't make big money...) But we were ok... I was working everyday, and we still only had one child... but we were at the very edge of our means. Ran out of money every paycheck and fast!

This went on for two years like this... being in the money in the summer, just scraping by in the winter and spring and fall were paycheck to paycheck... all went with Don's income.

Then the MSH Glass Shop moved 40 miles south, and with in months we needed to move and my aunt offered us this house... 30 miles north. Whah-BAM! Our income was now cut because I was 50 miles from my work, and Don was 70! I got cut back (for obvious reasons) and Don's gas alone was costing us $300 a month for my dad's old Subaru. Our monthly bills went up by $300 (this includes the $100 rent increase, W/S/G that we did not have to pay in our town house and HUGE house heating bills that we did not consider.) So now we were down to living paycheck by paycheck ALL THE TIME, and not serviving in the winter... and then Don starts college. Now he is working 4 days a week, going to school 5 days a week, and going to night classes 3 nights a week. When did he see us (me, Alex and his now 13 month old baby) Um... well never. I broke down EVERY FRIKIN WED... I wish this were some sort of joke, but I did... I would go out and freak, buy things we did not need instead of groceries and then freak about it instead of taking it back. It was BAD... and I got REALLY depressed... and what is funny is that Don does not know any of this... he says that he was really happy I could support him so compleatly. If he only knew how many days I cried and cried because of his choice just to put on a happy face when I finally saw him two days later. Few... anyway. Now we are in the second year of him working 70 miles south of us, and him trying to get a Police Department job while going to school full time, in the reserves, in the Explorers (a PD group), and making our way as a family. And now we are both laid off.

I guess you could say I am getting used to the stress... and I am holding it together... but I am not able to hold down the finanaces this winter at all. If not for a loan from his parents and a great big fat tax return we would have lost everything a month ago. So to make a long story.... well... less long, I have been doing all I can on this sinking ship... and luckily I have learned to do it well. Once again I am appling for FS tomorrow. I am volenteering at the Co-op for the added 25% off our groceries. I am selling things as much as possible, and making things when I can, but my dd is teething, and this means that I do not go pee with out her... much less sew.

That is the last 5 years in one depressing nutshell. I am doing great... I have my health and I am really happy... I have healthy and happy (most of the time) kids who do not have any cavities... and a son who now misses less than 2/15 on all of his spelling tests... I must be doing something right. I am unwilling to get a job just to stop my job that I am doing now with my children because it is getting rough. I am a little old fashioned in the Man Support Your Family thing... but it is good because so is my husband. So it all works out. Besides, I have looked, and there is nothing that pays more than $10 an hour... with the cost of daycare, comuting, clothes, and everything else I would make about $3 an hour... worth it? Worth changing my childrens entire life? Worth having my kids fall through the cracks because Don has finals and I am working? Worth dropping this all because we are having it rough until summer when the mountain opens up again? I don't know... sometimes I think so... but often not.

So I read that article in TWG about how she keeps at least $1000 and sometimes $1500 in the bank and say "Hell, I REMEMBER how that felt.... I remember having that cushion that I could just fix my car, and not worry about it... not having to eat top ramen and pb&j's like my first two years in college. I remember all of that." And it comes flooding back to me... what my life in that respect has become... and how full it is anyway. With beauty..... it is strange to say this, but I think I am happier for these years of trouble. Don and I have found our love anyway, through thick or thin... and are still happy. I have found my worth, and I do not feel bad that we can not make it now... I do not feel bad that I have hit my limit of thriftiness and pulling strings to make it through. I feel proud that it did not happen two years ago.... and I know that was my accomplishments and determination that got me/us here.

I just wish that would save our house. But maybe hope will?

Goodnight. And if you got this far thanks for reading. I don't blame you if you don't... I am totally rambling... but it felt good.

Love Val

[duckydolittle]

Val - Believe it or not, I understand where you are coming from. Actually, I think I've done things a little differently, but don't feel like posting it all out here and now - between you and me - yes, one day, but I understand exactly how you are feeling, and trust me, one day it will all turn around. I remember vividly how poor we were when Casey was going to the academy, and I know how much better we are doing now. This too shall pass, and one day you WILL have that cushion. Just enjoy what you can of this time that you have with your kids, and I do tend to believe that you should be at home with your kids, and I give you a big for making this decision even though it might make things tight for a while. The bills will still be there when the kids are grown, but the kids won't be kids for long. Hope your spirits raise, I haven't posted much about your financial difficulties, but I have thought of you often and remembered how I had walked in your shoes - it does get better. If it makes you feel any better - soon I'll be poor too. If we get that house we want, and I'm not willing to sacrifice my time with my kids to get a big fancy house, but I'm certainly willing to cut back a lot of other things, so I honestly was thinking about having you help me come up with some ideas of cutting back. I need to dig out the ol' tightwad gazette and dust her off - times will be $$$$ tight soon, and while it will be worth it - sacrifices will have to be made. {{HUGS}}

[BlueRoseMama]

I didn't mean to start that out as a vent like it turned out to be... I was actually thinking when I read it that I want that, but I am happy with what I have... I just wish those "crisis" days would come less often. You know?

I feel strange talking about this on line... I do... but I do enjoy the less confrentational conversations that I have here that I don't have IRL. My closest friends are now telling me that getting a job may be the best option... or "the only option" depending on who is talking. And so I have just stopped talking to them about it. But I am happy to have that release here... and I really hope no one minds... I am happy to have a wonderful support group of friends with or with out my beliefs... and I am happy to have a husband that is in love with what he wants to do, and I am happy to still be compleatly in love with him, although he has made this transition really hard and we will have some $hit to get through when it is all said and done, I love him, and he loves me, and we say that at least 10 times a day and mean it... and (one more) I am really happy to be at home with my wonderful, bright, insitful, happy, healthy kids.

So mostly I am happy.... Stressed. Long winded as all hell, but happy.

This too shall pass... and I am so grateful to have this group of ladies to talk about it with.

Love Val

[duckydolittle]

Val - I didn't think it was a terrible vent. I just totally understood where you were coming from, and I was hoping to pass along some support and hopefully make you feel not so "alone". I agree this is a great place to get this all out and share your feelings. I also totally understand how hard it is when people are telling you that you have to get a job. My sil and I just had a HUGE fight over this - because obviously if I wanted to buy this nice house, I had to get a job because my dh doesn't make enough to support us and that house. Fortunately for me, I KNOW we have enough $$$ it's just a matter of what I want to sacrifice for it. Right now you're making some sacrifices, but your not sacrificing the important things - like being home with your kids. Good for you - I get so tired of people saying I sah because I'm lazy. My sil said - " you have too much time on your hands if you have time to make your own laundry soap". She thinks I'm just wasting my time. I'm sure you encounter this all the time. It will be tough for a while, but later you will remember this time you had with your kids with such fond memories - I wonder if they will remember that time spent at work so fondly?!? But then again - I suppose I'm rather radical when it comes to this topic.

[Suzie]

{{{VAL}}}

I am sorry to hear you're struggling. I have been there. Heck, I am there again.

I just want you to know that I am sooooo proud of you for sticking with your beliefs and putting your CHILDREN first. In today's world it's so easy to do the opposite.

Keep up the good (and hard) work. No amount of money can buy happy, healthy children. Keep you eyes on the goal, you'll be there before you know it!!!!

[annemarie5]

Just this week I received one of those reports from the Social Security Admin...they one where it lists all your lifetime earnings broke down by year. (dh gets one most years, I've never gotten one before?) Anyway, I worked when my oldest daughter was a baby, I started working when she was three weeks old! I drove 50 miles to drop her with her grandmother, 20 miles back to town to work, and then repeated it to go home, plus dropped my dh (ex dh now!) at work and picked him up on both trips. I was young and it didn't seem so very miserable at the time, but looking back it was awful. I never gave myself a chance to become attached, and it has always affected our relationship in some ways. Anyway, with all that driving, all I gave up, I made less than $5K in over a year! I was working for min. wage 3.35 an hour...I didn't think that sounded right, but yes, 6 days a week, five hours a day = 30 hours a week. I remember bringing home about $90 a week. This was in the mid eighties and jobs were hard to find, I felt lucky!~ If only I had it to do over.... I've stayed home with the other kids, at least until they were three. My youngest is now 3 and I was considering maybe going to work this year. I think the letter was a wake up call for me, we can be frugal for a few more years, I don't want to look back with regrets.
My oldest is turning 18 this summer, and planning to get married. Time flies.
Anne
Edited to add: I'm off to pick up goodies and go to ds's preschool valentine party, which I'm not having to beg for time off for. And when ds is sick, dh and I don't have to fight about who's going to miss work staying home/taking him to the dr. I don't have to sit at work stressing because my sick kid is at daycare, since I can't miss work. Been there, done that.. no fun. Stay true to yourself Val!

[Kbsmama]

Val,
I truly believe that BECAUSE you can be happy where you are at, things will change for you. DH and I have been together since we were freshmen in college. After college, we did the live together then get married thing too. It's been 16 years that we've been together now (we've been married 8 1/2). We have always been happy, but often wondered when we saw people for whom money seemed to come easily why it was so stinking hard for us--why could Ben's college roomie with the lousy GPA and lackluster talent land a big paying job, while he could not?

Things are turning around for us, after a long time. We still are not living without financial worry, by any means, but we have also added to our debt load, buying a house, which we never dreamed we would be able to do.

I believe that there is good in the universe, and you will have an easier life in the future, but I think these things make us much stronger people, much more generous, and much more appreciative of what we've got. But, then, it appears to me you've already figured that out .

[Ariadne Umbrell]

I really wish I could be comforting, but I really can't.

Having said that, you are one hundred percent doing the right thing by your kids:when pople talk about "knowledge capital" and "middle class values" and things like that, what they are talking about is a mother staying home with her kids, and pouring her energy into the kids, monitoring,teaching, all that. When mothers go off to work, an enormous amount of social capital gets blown on not much money. The horror about "wild kids" today is that suburban kids' moms are working, rather than monitoring, or volunteering at school, or reading to their kids, or walking around in the neighborhood, or social things, like playgroups. I honestly think that kids learn how to deal with people by watching their parents interact.

Long term, you are doing the right thing- by long term, I mean kids, not you.

OTOH, some huge amount of successful men in corporations credit their wives as their brain trust, among other things. The Millionaire book, I can't remember the name- the wives played financial defense- controlling costs better than the guy. The wives stayed home with kids- before they had money. They focused on what they thought was right, and valuable and good, and by all accounts, that's what brought them success. None of them expected to be financially blessed, so...

You can't control the future, you can control your self, today.

We are completely broke. DH blames me: I've had $500 cross my hands in the years when he was making $50,000. I am getting a job, because I am completely powerless financially. I think it will be better for my kids for me to not be the begging relative. Since you are not in my situation, I think you are absolutely doing the best thing possible. I am doing the best thing here.

Also, consider reading up: Paul Krugman's book is at the library.

[arasmama]

We were there, but it has passed. We actually make less money now, but keep a nice cushion. I don't miss the stress!!!

This too shall pass, Val. ((hugs))

[mamabear]

I know all too well what you are talking about. We are there, too - but not as bad as we were last year at this time, when we really were so very close to losing our house. Now with the refinance, theoretically we are bringing in more than we are putting out, but we struggle to live as frugally as we need to in order to pay off debts we accrued when we were bringing in less than we had to pay out each month.

Like you, we had a series of life circumstances that were beyond our control that resulted in that situation. And it happened in bits and pieces so there wasn't ever any one point where we could have said, "Let's do this/not do this and we'll be okay." We just had to deal with it day by day and try to scrape by.

I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. I try to remember that our situation is only temporary - yours is, too. That sooner or later we will be in a more comfortable position and able to have that cushion. And then all the great frugal strategies you've developed will really come into their own! You may have that initial surge of buying because of catching up with things that you had put off due to having no money, but then - there will still be cushion. That's the key!

[BlueRoseMama]

Thank you all so much for sharing parts of your money struggles with me. It means so much to know that I am not alone, and knowing that others have gotten past times like this really helps with the stress (because after all, you've got no money... what they hell do you have to worry about? lol) I am doing ok with it all, but days like today where I over spend (by 12.49 for the new Nora Jones CD that I should not have bought but I LOVE...) make me feel like I am consistantly falling backward... and feeling like there is no way out and at least part of it is my own fault. Ugh, I HATE that...

Chris child support has not come through yet. I will wait one more day and then call the transfer co to complain. Chris's check got to them on the 30 of Jan. I know they have no idea that with out it we will bounce the rent check... and that is not their responcibility or their problem... but I have to know it will take less than a month for future checks to be deposited, I mean what is that co for if it takes that long? It is not worth it, I will just take the check to the bank myself.

Don is most likely (he still is not sure if he HAS the job) starting night work for the Merchant Patrol. It is the night security team. He will be working from 10pm till 6am. Going to school at 9am, and then sleeping when he gets home at 1pm. And on Tuesdays and Thursday evenings (6 till 10pm) and every other Saturday (8:30am to 6pm) he will be gone for PD Reserves. Meaning I will never see him. But it is experience and money ($9 an hour is better than nothing right??). Who knows? Perhaps this will get him the experience he needs to get a real PD job.

Anyway... Don is at Reserves now... and my kids are watching Castle in the Sky. I am going to join them, and then finish my sewing room. Take care all and thank you again for listening. I am feeling sort of alone tonight.

Love Val