Ever feel very devalued in your role as a SAHM?

[BlueRoseMama]

As if keeping the house together, and keeping the childern healthy, keeping a garden, keeping the house in good repair (by doing most of it yourself) making sure things don't TOTALLY FALL APART, and keeping the pantry stocked on literally no income, and all of these things that we do that do not bring in money mean NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! And as if each one of these things that I said would be so easy to do WITH OUT me, and do not save money in the long run anyway? I feel like making a list like the tight wad does of things I do all the time that save the precious little money that we have... Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

I hate posts like this, but I am not going to expound on this right now. I was just wondering if I was alone. I will be more spacific as soon as I have clarified my thoughts and am not totally pissed off.

Love Val

[MomOfHeathens]

Yep know how you feel. What's really GREAT is when I get told that HE is the only one with a REAL job or HE is the only one supporting this family and bringing in money.

Nice. How bout you go hire a maid, a cook, someone to do your laundry, child care, a shrink, personal shopper, secretary, and banker and THEN get back to me on that one buddy!

Wanna gang up and stuff them into a closet?

[sweet~potato]

You are not alone!!! I honestly don't think my dh realizes how much work I do everyday to help keep our bills down, keep everyone happy, keep the house clean, etc. I have also gotten the "well, I make the money, so I shouldn't have to do anything around the house" talk. MEN!!!!

[MotherMoon]

I get treated that way, Mom of Heathens, and I work too. I mean at a "real" job where I get paid. But still, I cook all meals, clean, do all laundry. He gets the mans work supposedly, cutting grass, fixing the house (did I mention we have a roof leak and faucet leak).

Oh don't get me started. This is not a good time in my marriage.

[~*~Seeking*Simplicity~*~]

Yep,all the time. Some time back dh I were "arguing" (me pissed,him saying nothing) & I asked why he gets whatever he wants I get nothing. his reply "you get to be a SAHM,homeschool,have all the kids you want" !!!!! Like being a mommy is a reward for me, he gets a frivolously expensive car & I get to have kids & be a SAHM!

Sorry buddy - none of that is thanks to you! I was a SAHM when we met!

(once he complained to our therapist about the house - I have 4 homeschooled kids home 24/7 - the therapist said instead of complaining, clean it yourself or get a maid. he said he shouldnt have to get a maid, he had a wife!!! She set him straight! )

[amamasluv]

I tell my DH all the time I am the SAH MOM not the SAH Maid!!! In order to be the Mom I want to be the house does need to be clean, organized and there needs to be good food. BUT the expectations he has some times are really annoying! I CANNOT do it all and I am the one that is going to pick what slides.

Yup, he makes the money and I make the family.

That felt good.

[BlueRoseMama]

I had a terrible morning. It all actually started last week, last night or this morning, depending on how you count. I have a pinched nerve in my back, and I am admitedly not good with physical pain... so when DH said that he had to cut his hair I got upset (a thing of mine. I like him with hair, and he likes to be bald. I don't mind it, he looks ok, but I miss his hair even 1/2 inch long) So I sort of did a pissed off "whatever" and he started talking about how he really wanted to look good for the Chief's Interview today, and I said "I thought you wanted to look good, and not like a skin head." It was out of line and I hurt his feelings. And we talked about it, and I broke down bawling. I was talking about all of the things that have been going through my head since he decided to become a cop, about how many things he will be seeing that my naturally paranoid mind can not handle, and how scary it is for me that we are starting to keep secrets (me about my friends smoking habits, and social things, etc, and him about things he sees on the job, like rape victums and child porn etc.) And finally we are not comunicating well... not because we are having a hard time talking, but becuase there are things that I live with everyday that he can not really know about and vice versa. For different reasons... but the end result is the same. (Not to mention not having time together.)

Well this morning, after feeling better because we talked and still a little scared about what all these changes mean for us, I checked my e-mail and had gotten a letter from HIS step mom. (The one who just loaned us the money to live on for this quarter.) She was "suggesting" that I start working at a daycare center, and that I needed to bring in some money to "take the heat" off Don. WTF??? Not only have I NOT seen this woman in 2 years, but I don't even talk to her on the PHONE... she has never seen my house, never spent time with me and my children (since Cyan was 4 months and that was for a week at HER house), never really even had a conversation with me! So yes... I was really sensitive for all of the reasons stated above, and then Don starts talking about how HE THINKS ITS A GOOD IDEA!!!!!

I was so mad I was spouting random curse words in his direction as we debated heatedly... (WE NEVER FIGHT GUYS!) Cyan got all freaked out, because she has never seen us fight and started to get clingy, and I was starting to loose my mind! I popped in a movie (in the morning... wow) and sat her on the couch so Don and I could talk. We argued some more and I stopped really making sense... I was just mad... making points that I didn't mean, and attacking things that I was feeling really strongy about but was too upset to even make a valid point. (Do any of you get that emotional??) At this point we still arn't yelling... but I disapear because I want to cry, and I go upstairs to take a shower... and I started to think:

This is the second time in two weeks that I have gotten a letter telling me to "do something with myself" (instead of raise two well adusted children, and keep the house from falling down around our ankles .) from people that have NO CLUE wtf they are talking about... The first from my Bio-dad, who has not seen me in 4 YEARS, and even then it was for my wedding and the first time since I was 17... no $hit... and then from Don's step mom. And the problem was not that Don thought I should go to work, (even though that was not his point and I just blew it way out of prortion) the problem was that Don did not know what I did around here. He comes home from school and he never knows what I have done that day... we don't really see each other with out kids. And with me in pain it is even less. He has NO idea that I insilated the outdoor pipes, and snaked a drain, all in the same time that I made a whole foods lunch and made sure Alex got his homework done... BEFORE HE EVEN GOT HOME. He has no idea that I deal with screaming children (although he says he knows how hard my job is and that he is the one that has it easy) and people looking at me like I have no life, just because I stay at home. And the problem was that he did not go to bat for me. He did not defend what I do, and how I make our lives better, and what that means to him... or to me. He did not tell them that I do all the yard work in our RENTED house because it saves us $75 a month off of rent... he did not tell them that I spent a total of $60 on ALL of the kids christmas gifts becuase I spent SO much of my evening time on this computer talking to people about trades. He did not tell them that I make 4 people food (GOOD food) on $217 a month to work with. He did not tell them any of that... he just said, "Yeah... maybe it is a good idea."

I got out of the shower and told him: "You know what, it just really hurt my feelings that you did not go to bat for me... that is what this is really about. I don't care what she thinks... I really don't. Becuase I VALUE what I do, I work HARD at it, and if I was to add up all of the money I save and what this life would cost if I was not here working my A$$ off... then I could see that she has a point... but I would make nothing like what I save by being home. Not only that, but your schedule changes every three months... our children would fall through the cracks trying to keep up. I go with out new bra's for 4 months so you can get your newest uniform, and your gun cleaning kit... I argue with my radical friends about how you will be "one of the good ones" and how things like what they see on Cop Watch will not happen with you because you are a wonderful cop... I do these things because regardless if I agree with what you are doing, I am your wife... we are a team, and I will go to bat for you. I need you to do that too." We both started crying and have been fine since. But we have talked a lot about what happened, and I think it is actually good that it did happen... because it clarified a lot of feeligns that were just running through me... and not being addressed they were festering in a bad way. So I am glad that is clear... but I have to admit, it hurts; him changing our life. It hurts; him wanting things to be different. And I had not felt that part of this before. This HUGE change he is making is not only effecting him... it effects all of us and the rest of our lives... and although I am getting used to it, and I can handle quite a bit of it now, I can not fool myself that it hurts; the fact that his new career does not include me in so many of the things/thoughts/ideas he has now. I don't know if that means we are growing farther apart or if we are groing together on the same path, but only time will tell. We are doing ok tonight.

So that is what happened... and I wrote that just after I read her note and Don said he thought it would be "a good idea".

Love Val

[~Denise~]

Oh yes....I do, for sure. In fact I was truly wanting to post something on this very issue this week.....this issue and the issue of what is a mother/homemaker/wife.....what is expected, what is what keeps you going......what do you need to be happy and fullfilled.....kwim? Like me, I can't just be a SAHM....perse. I can, but along with that comes things I need to have....from having help around the house, to being able to keep on task and keep the house clean myself too.....I feel defeated when I don't do things I need to be or want to be....kwim? And I do work part-time as we do need the money....I don't want to in many ways, but I also know we need the money for things like the kids classes, clothes, etc.

Society devalues mothers too......It's enough to some to have a mother at home who cooks and cleans and cares for kids....some people demand more, heck, you're home all day? Then don't ask for help doing anything around that house. Some people are not even satisfied with that and believe women need to work.......for whatever reason. Choices......we all have them and people need to be more supportive of the ones we truly believe and know are best for ourselves and our families.

((HUGS)) Val.....I know from all your posts that you contribute a lot to your home, in all ways....and I am sorry she does not see that. I am glad you and Don were able to talk though!!!

[MomOfHeathens]

I know one of the things that bothers me as well is when my dh comes home after "working" all day (he sits at a desk, sits on the phone, and sits on the computer so nothing physical per se), changes his clothes, and then says that HE needs to relax and HE has had a long day. When I point out that I NEVER get a day off and NEVER get a break and that MY job is 24/7 (especially since I have a 14 month old who is still nursing and wakes twice a night to nurse) doing everything around here and caring for three kids I get told "Well you wanted to stay home so deal with it".

I wanted to stay home, YES but I didn't want to trade being a human being and treated like I matter!!

I still say we shove them all into closets and ...... go spend their paychecks!!! A girl can dream can't she?

[mamabear]

{{{Val}}}

I am glad you guys were able to talk about it, and work through some feelings. You were there for me when things were rough with me and Matt, and can I say, that somehow, that rough patch was needed for us. We are closer and more passionate and happier together than we have been for quite a few years (like since we moved here 4 years ago). And our issues were different, but they were similar in having to do with my role as mother and homemaker and his as father/provider.

We are blazing our own trails, our generation. Yes, there are women who have come before us, who have made it possible for us to have so many choices. But I think without the web of extended family, and without reliance on traditional gender roles, each family works out some kind of balance for themselves.

And it's so tough when you aren't feeling appreciated. When all the hard work seems invisible. I think that so many "mainstream" people don't even think about the kinds of things we are doing -- providing a very nourishing, enriching environment for our children, being absolutely frugal in every possible way while still providing healthy foods and safe homes; and just loving our children passionately and researching everything to make sure they have the best possible upbringing.

I got some flak from my MIL a long time ago, when Kate was little, that I should just "put her in daycare" and go to work. I was so, so steaming mad. What I wanted to say was, "Just because you abandoned your child to go to work and school doesn't mean I should." And I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend - MIL didn't just work 40 hrs/week. She also went to school at night, she left him with sitters and housemates who were alcoholic, he made his lunch himself in first grade and then got on a bus and two trains to commute an hour each way ALONE to school by first grade, and basically he never saw her his entire growing up. She shipped him off to military school at 14.

Unfortunately, once people give you money, even loan it, they feel they have a right to comment on your life. And I understand that mostly what you wanted was for Don to go to bat for you. He may just have been feeling overwhelmed with pressure, because of her loaning the money. Or maybe he is feeling some pressure in terms of his new job, to have a life that conforms more closely to his coworkers. It must be tough, and culture shock, and I'm sure it will change him in some ways. Yet I can see you guys figuring it out and finding a path together. My neighbors are both cops, husband and wife, and conservative politically, yet I get along really well with them, and they are compassionate, dedicated cops who are the kind of people I want protecting me. And they loved hearing about our homebirth, and nursing, and I know that my stories influenced them...they needed some support for what they were choosing. And now they are doing split shifts to avoid leaving their baby with anyone, and the mother's mom is coming to watch her for the few hours in between, and the mom is pumping for her baby.

I'm sure I am rambling. I just want to send you some support, and love, and confidence that you and Don will find a path together over the long term, through this big change in both your lives. And I'm optimistic that your relationship will end up stronger for it. Keeping open lines of communication, and finding time to be together, will be important. That is what helped Matt and I so much...just finding that time to talk things through, even if it meant the kids watching videos. :P

[kerc]

oh val. hugs to you.

have ya'll seen that email (you know one of the "forwards" that people send repeatedly).... (this won't do it justice)...

man comes home from work, toys all over the yard, kids are in front of tv, laundry is all over, tub is overflowing, tp all over the kitchen floor. Kids are covered in peanut butter and chocolate. Dog has gotten into garbage, etc. Man is worried about wife. Runs around looking for her. Finds her in bed reading a book. He says "what happened here today" she says "you know how every day you ask me what i did today? today i didn't do it."

[Stargazer441]

edited for privacy

[MamaWolf]

Oh, Val, huge hugs! DH is also a law enforcement officer, and I know just what you mean! I actually WAS working outside the home for a few YEARS. Since the last was born (9 weeks early after total bedrest for 4 months) I was working third shift because his schedule was so crazy it didn't make sense to work otherwise. Then I was sleeping all the time and I couldn't be there for the kids like I wanted to. I had to quit, I was losing my mind! Now I couldn't find a job, even if I wanted to, because his schedule is never constant, and I won't put the kids in daycare. So it really ticks me off when he starts using the whole "I'm the one bringing in the money" bit. He really gets it then. He acts like his job is tough. His city is teeny, just under 1k people. He even complains on the phone he's bored! And he has the nerve to tell me he "works all day???" myjob is 10 x's harder than his on ANY day (ok, so far anyway). I know his job is risky, cause we all know there's no such thing as a "routine" traffic stop... But give me a break! If you come home and I ask you to take the kids for a minute so I can take a break, the last thing that should come out of his mouth is "What've you been doing all day?" Oooh, no, he's learned that lesson

[BlueRoseMama]

A contiuation of this same conversation:

Some people have said in the past that they only reason one would say that something is "hard but rewarding" is because they are under the belief that their life would mean NOTHING if they did not say that... they have said that of course the preverbal 'they' would say that raising children is hard AND wonderful, and fulfilling.... why would anyone do it if it was just hard? And "are you sure you do not make up the fulfilling stuff just to get over the fact that you made a permanent choice that makes your life more difficult?" This is what I get when I tell some of the people (whose opinion I try to respect) what is going on in my life for the past 5 years. I must make my own value... because to everyone else I am worth nothing staying at home. Ugh... Thanks... right?

I got it from my dh's best friend the other night too... I told him strait up to ****-off... and I am so glad I did. WHAT IS WITH A WOMANS WORTH ANYMORE?... are we really so backwards that we can not see that what women did in the home in the 50's is not just crap? I really need to do MORE than feed my family, raise my children and hold my house together??? Perhaps there was something to that... and although we have TONS of other choices now, does it all of a sudden invalidate what women have been doing for 100's of years????????

Grrrrrr... Was it the times, or the SAHM's??

Often I think about Amy D from Tightwad Gazette, the ultimate in finding out how to save money and not go with out anything... regarding how she makes each thing she does into monetary value. She has tons of examples about how calling ahead to get the best price from a store saves on gas, or clipping coupons, buying in bulk, and menu plans save her money... She takes all of that time that she spends doing that and then takes what she saves by doing it, and places an hourly wage on her at home job. (Not to mention the $$ she saves by not having her 4 kids in daycare, or making sure she has the time to scour the Goodwills to buy everything second hand) I should do this. See just how we have lived SO WELL on 17,000 a year (along with a little help from family, and a lot of good grace of the holy powers that be). She has a little saying that I thought was SO funny for her particular situation:

"It is not echonomical to go to bed early to save candles if the result is twins."

Anyway... I think that if I did count out everything I earned by pouring my time and energy into our lives, we honestly would have made double last year what Don brought home... because I easily saved us that much in what I do everyday by being here and taking that time out of my day to make food from scratch, shopping at Costco, Fred Meyers and the Co-op for food to get the best deals on our favorites, and so many other things that I do all day... We don't have to go with out anything. In fact, with out the stress of the worrying about the money thing ALL the TIME I think we live REALLY well. And there is always SOMETHING to stress over... ours is just always money... and why not?

Love Val

[BlueRoseMama]

Brinda, when I saw your post I instantly thought of a forward I got about a man coming home to his kids who were sitting in the front yard covered in dirt and muck. He went inside to find that the house was a wreck, the kitchen was trashed, and there was dry cereal all over the floor. The tv was on, the rug was stained, and the dog had pooped in the corner and was begging to go outside. He let the dog out, and started to really worry about his wife. He found her, sitting on their bed, reading. He said "What the hell are you doing?" She answered, "You know yesterday when you asked me what I did all day? Today I didn't do it."

LMAO!!

Love Val