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Empty Nester Blues - Help!
I never thought I'd have this problem! My only child moved away to begin college 3 weeks ago. During her last year in High School, it was a continuous battle of wills. My hubby and I were exhausted by the emotional turmoil caused by her constant argumentive and unpleasant attitude. Let's just say, she had worn out her welcome in our home! We all agreed that beginning college early would be a good idea. So we signed her up for a Transition Summer Program for incoming freshman, where she gets extra attention and help from the staff while earning 9 credit hours. This was an excellent plan because she has ADD and there is some concern about how she will adjust to the increased academic and emotional demands of college.
Knowing the upcoming change of parenting role in our DD life would be a difficult transition for us, my hubby and I went to family counselor from April to June, where we were told it is time to let go and let her live her life. She is 18 and considered by law an adult. Because of her ADD, we have been very involved in advocating for her in school and helping her cope with the difficulties this condition causes in her daily life. From this point on, she needs to make decisions for herself (and sometimes she will make mistakes), but it is time for our role as parents to change from primary caregiver to one of emotional supporter. So, I began the summer ready for the change in our life and somewhat relieved for the opportunity to reclaim my house & have peace and calm reign again.
After declaring (loudly) for months how she couldn't wait to move out and be away from us, she (and we) were surprised how homesick and depressed she became during these first few weeks. I receive sad phone calls and emails from her daily telling me how much she hates it and wants to come home. I know this is normal and that adjustment will take time, so I encourage her to stick it out and give it a chance. She asked if I would come for a day visit this Saturday, which I was happy to do because (honestly) I have been missing her, too.
Yesterday, I received a quick phone call telling me that her ex-boyfriend is coming to visit her this weekend instead. She hoped my feelings weren't hurt, and that she really wanted to see me, but these other plans suddenly came up. I calmly told her it was fine, have a fun weekend and call me on Sunday (our normally planned weekly phone call). I hung up the phone and within minutes was sobbing, I mean wailing!!! This really took me by surprise!
Yes, I was hurt. I felt tossed aside and completely disregarded. Not only that, but her ex-boyfriend was never very kind to her and may have been emotionally abusive at times during there turbulent relationship (that was HER assessment and why she broke up with him in May). Every fiber in my being wanted to stop her from allowing him a visit while she is vunerable and trying to adjust to her new home. But, according to the advice from my counselor, I need to let go and allow her to make decisions for herself, even if I don't agree with them.
For some reason, this situation hit me hard. It seems to scream at me that I am no longer needed as a "mommy." After 18 years of giving completely to a job I loved and did pretty well, I've suddenly been fired! (That's what it feels like.) She wants a mom, a friend, and someone who isn't so deeply involved in her life decisions anymore. My role HAS changed, whether I was ready for it or not. I thought I was: I read two books on mentoring your child through the college years; my hubby and I have talked endlessly with a counselor about our concerns and how to adjust to this new phase in our lives; I've got a wonderful at-home business that I've been building for years to keep me busy & happy as my DD grew up and away from me -- but, even with all of that, I still feel lonely, depressed and without a focus right now.
This house and my life seems so empty today....
I could use some encouraging words -- Thanks!
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