amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

2cutiesmama · 06-09-2003, 06:58 PM

Anyone with a teenager that would be willing to help me out on some discipline issues??? I am having a really hard time and am at the end of my rope. I just dont know what to do anymore. She is lying all the time about everything, fordging (sp?) signatures, not bringing home impotant things from school, stealing, and the list goes on. She is our foster daughter (dhs lil sister) and i really dont want her to have to leave but i dont like this neg. influence on my son. Not to mention the stress it cause all of us. I dont know what to do anymore as it seems nothing works....anyone with a teenager wanna help me out?? Thanks mamas!!

Barb · 06-09-2003, 07:12 PM

i have a teenager but luckily we're not dealing with any of the issues that you are. I was wondering if you're involved in church? could you do some counseling with the pastor or involve her in the teen ministry? (chelsey really enjoys the teen programs)

how long has she been with you? is it a new arrangement and she's having trouble adjusting? is she angry that her brother is acting like her father? has she had any counseling at all? does she see her parents? has your dh tried to sit down and talk to her?

the teen years are so hard. Dealing with other kids picking on you, self esteem/body image/looks issues, wanting so badly to fit in. Its all really normal to some degree but can get out of hand easily. If she's lying and doing badly in school she could be involved with kids you would rather she not be, drugs and alchohol etc. Do you know who she's hanging out with? Have you talked at all with her teachers yet to see if they know whats changed?

i know. a million questions and no answers. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk -

2cutiesmama · 06-09-2003, 07:19 PM

Barb,
Thanks for responding. Yes she is involved with church and the kids seem pretty good. I am sure they are all up to some of what she does since alot of it is "normal" BUT She takes it to the extreme. She has been with us for 3 years and i know she is going thru alot but geez we bend over backwards to do anything we can for her. Maybe thats the problem? I just dont know how to discipline her anymore. I take away TV, radio, her 8th grade ****ce which broke my heart But i warned her several times. I try to be tuff but i dont want to be too tuff kwim? Its like she just doesnt care. We are looking into counceling but we have a social worker who is awful and we cant ever get a hold of her. Anyways, if you dont mind me Pming you i do have a few ?s. Thanks mama, i appreciate it!!!

ashley · 06-09-2003, 07:24 PM

I don't have any teenagers but I remember that my sister was pretty bad. My parents contacted all her teachers and requested that they(my parents) be informed personally whenever she was absent, missed assignments, or had to have something signed from school. This won't help with all your problems but it may help a little. Hugs.

Ashley

ssmeest · 06-10-2003, 12:34 AM

Well I don't have any teens, but I taught middle school for 12 years and high school for one and alternative school for one, so maybe that counts for something:-)

Think of a teen as a toddler and you've got the whole picture. They are both fighting for independence in a world that they can't control. Here are some thoughts as I think back to my students:

I don't care - this really mens I care a whole lot, but I don't want you to know it. It's sort of the fox and the grapes fable. You know when the fox says he didn't want the grapes anyway because they were sour. Teens are the same way. If I can't have it or do it, I didn't want to anyway. It saves face.

They need limits and need to know what is expected EVERYTIME! Just like toddlers, routine means security.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. I lived by this motto. If you don't, you violate the expectations and security.

Have them write. When I'd have problems with a student, I'd ask them to write me a letter telling me why they were behaving the way they were. This is very nonconfortational. By reading it, you can gain a lot of information as to what's going on in that head of theirs.

Have them determine the punishment/consequences. If they determine it, they buy into it and are more likely to abide by it.

Sometimes you just have to use "tough love". I had a parent of one of my students ask me what to do when her son went joyriding at night after everyone went to bed. He was 14 at the time. I told her to call the police and report the car missing as soon as he left and leave him in jail until the morning. Sounds harsh, I know, but after many joy rides she finally called the police and guess what? No more joy riding:-)

I don't know if I helped at all or not, but feel free to pm me if you'd like.

Hugs,
Sandra

Flores · 06-10-2003, 12:44 AM

When I was a teen and was lying and fordging, my foster mom went to my classes with me. She sat at the back of the room and spend the entire day with me. It only took one day and I straighted out on the fordging part.

2cutiesmama · 06-10-2003, 02:38 PM

Thanks mamas!!! You all have great advice. I talked to her last night and i think we got some things worked out. We still have a long road but i dont wanna give up on her. I am looking into some counceling today and i am going to call my church and see if they can help at all. I have alot of work to do too. Its no easy trying to raise a kid thats not yours that came to you already "raised" a certain way. Anyways, Just wanted to let you all know that i really appreciate the advice!!!