amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

snowymtnmama · 05-24-2003, 01:10 AM

i've turned into a yeller the past year of my life. My 2 year old tests me EVERY day, and i'm trying SO hard to be more positive disciplined, but its not working. I'm a very task oriented and my DH is working so much that i'm the only one that can get anything done around here. I know that in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter if the laundry is folded or dishes washed, so i try to ignore them sometimes, but it sits there and eats at me. My 2 year old has cabin fever cuz we have no car, and he gets tired of being in this stupid house, so everything is a battle of wills and a test to my limit. It seems like i yell at him all the time, and he's really such a GOOD child that i feel like such a schmuch by the end of the day. You know, if i FELT good about yelling at him, knowing it was the right thing, then it would be ok. But its NOT. everything is a battle, and i am scared if i let go then he'll just go hogwild. And if he does is that a bad thing.......He's so into mimicking me and copying me that he's kinda "fussing" at his toys and at his brother. i KNOW the problem is ME. How do i stop this? What do i do?

More of a vent than anything........right now i just feel like the worst mother in the world. I have 2 awesome little boys and it seems like all i do is rag on my 2 year old. I know that we need to get out, and believe me when the weather is good we go for walks to the playground, etc.....that and i need some adult time with his daddy. But that's a whole nother issue, and still doesn't make it ok to yell at him.

Dishka · 05-24-2003, 01:26 AM

I had this big long post typed out and when I went to submit it I changed my mind because it seemed to be more about me and my problems than addressing you

I just want to say first off, take a breath. Its ok. You love your children. You have a lot going on. It IS hard to be stuck in the house. The age your 2yr old is isnt the easiest time either. Im not one to give out advice about how to stay calm, I dont even know how to do that. But when I do yell at the kids, I try to talk to them about it. I talk to my 3 yr old at bedtime and tell her that it wasnt her fault when mommy yelled, that I get frustrated and it doesnt mean Im mad at her. I apologize and we both talk about things we can do the next day to avoid that sort of thing. Sounds all Marry Poppinsish the way Im making it sound, but it really isnt, every parent has their own language with their child, you have to approach it the way they understand it kwim?

Anyhow, it sounds like you have a lot going on, I hope things get better. I do know exactly how you feel though, if that means anything. sometimes its ok to know that other people are going through the same struggles.

jacNal'smom · 05-24-2003, 01:31 AM

Always have been...I yell then get on with my life. It's just how I am...

lbmom3 · 05-24-2003, 02:36 AM

Yeah me too. I do it, my mother did it and probably her mama too. I hate it really and it makes me feel really crappy that most times i can't just enjoy my children cause they are always into something and so I yell. It never helps.

Today i wished i could be Meeshi, or at least to live like that. That would be a dream world for me and I'm happy for her it's real. *speaking of her with her family, not necessarily the back drop in which she lives though that would be conductive for peace I'm sure*

This too is much about me but i really don't have anywhere else to come from. I like the other mama's advice. I have to do that too. I'm often apologizing cause I yelled when my 2 yr old is on top of the washer for the 5th time that day while dd is in the bathroom making a mess on the mirror and ds is pulling all the just now folded clothing off the couch etc. I've really had to give in a little and choose my battles. I've found that the vaccuum cleaner is a handy tool to keep a toddler out of my folded laundry long enough for me to put it away. I just turn it on, give him the hose and let him suck up whatever his little heart desires lol. He's pretty good about making it only crumbs on the floor and that's one less thing for me to do. We get a lot of vaccuming done around here.

Sorry i don't have any advice. Just wanted to say you're not alone.

LorieJo

*~Tinkgirl~* · 05-24-2003, 02:49 AM

yes i am! shame on me.
my mom was a yeller so was my ganny!
i hate it when i hear myself yelling like a maniac.i do not hit my kids but i yell.
i feel horrible,today was a huge yelling day.my 2 year old decided no one can have cookies except her,my 8 year old decided jumping on the couch was a wonderful past time,my 16 month old decided kicking the puppy was to **** fun.
i try everyday to not yell and sometimes i just scream at the top of my lungs AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and everyone looks at me like dude you are nuts!
i really need to stop but it really does not even phase my kids anymore sheesh.
i hate myself for yelling.
i feel like a complete moron right now for even telling you all this.

MomIAm · 05-24-2003, 08:58 AM

All I can say is I feel for you. Sometimes I have an out of body experience and I hear myself. It makes me sad.

Try to take a deep breath. We're all human, some of us just have a shorter patience/lower tolerance.

Good luck. And if you need an ear, I'd be happy to listen to you yell. (((((

edited to correct misspelling (sorta a/r)

MGray · 05-24-2003, 09:37 AM

Yes - I do, I'm really tring to work on it.

Catch yourself mid yell in the mirror sometimes - that'll make you stop in your tracks.

My 3 (almost 4 yr old) is very convicting. She's whiny (she's 3!) and I talk to her a lot about "You can be mad, but you can't act ugly" and "be cheerful". One day, she was whining about putting on her socks (why must my kids all have sock issues?) and I said "be cheerful" she said "but you're not" WOW - talk about convicting. It made me realize that several years ago, I always had a smile on my face and sang and hummed happy songs all the time. Now, I'm significantly less agreeable.

Strategies:

1. Play some pleasant music in the background - it helps calm everyone.

2. Teach your children from the get go to help you with the housework. A 2 yr old can help put silverwear away, can carry folded towells to the linen closet, can help you put clothes in the washer, or dryer. Mostly - they are slowing you down, but If you work with them along side you, 2 things are gained. 1, they are not making a mess while you clean another! and 2, they are learning to be a help to you and when they are older, you will reap the benifit of this.

Another thing to keep in mind is that a life of leisure leads to mischief (for adults and 2 yr olds!). It is good to have your child see that most of your day is for working. Boys that don't have chores grow up to be lazy men who seek to escape responsibility through recreation (sports nuts, golfers etc). Not that a 2 yr old needs to spend all day working, but resonable chunks of time periodically throughout the day spent on work will be very good for them. This time should increase as they age. When my nearly 7 yr old complains about his chores, I remind him of how hard his daddy works for our family and how much he wants to grow to be a good man like his Daddy.

3. Give yourself a consequence for yelling (works for our kids, how about for us?!?) Find something motivating for yourself and try it. Some ideas - my sister puts $1 in a jar every time she yells (it then gets paid to the kids cause they are the ones she yells at - sort of a restitution idea). I've thought of making myself lose 15 min. of computer time for each yell (very motivating for me).

In return, reward yourself for not yelling, with a treat for you. A day without yelling = a warm bubble bath type of idea.

4. Get yourself an outlet. Put the kids to bed at an early enough hour so that you have some adult time (even if dh isn't home) to pursue some of your own interests.

Get a trusted sitter now and then and run errands without the kids or go out in the evening once they are all sleeping and do something fun for yourself. My baby is in bed by 7:00pm and the older kids are off to bed at 8:30 - it gives me time to relax. I go out about 1 time per week once the baby is in bed - DH puts the older ones to bed - even if it is just to the store (I'm on a church committe, I belong to a spinning guild, I get together once a month with 2 girlfriends from elementary school)

These things all help me keep my cool and stay more relaxed. I haven't cut it out completely yet, but I'm trying.

HTH - Melinda

Babygirl · 05-24-2003, 09:40 AM

OMG! I thought I was the only one! After my babes go to bed....and I have a moment to think.....I cry sometimes because of the yellin' and screamin' that had gone on during the day. I've woken my 6yodd up a time or two to apologize. She always says" I still love you". But really....I must be damaging them. I HATE it. Does anyone have any ideas/books/theories/ANYTHING!?!?! to help stop this abusive behavior? I've actually thought that maybe if I "got something" from my doctor....antidepressant....maybe that would help.
I'll take any advice I can get.
Shamefully, Christine

3ForTheRoad · 05-24-2003, 09:59 AM

{{{HUGS}}}

Everytime I see a post from you I think, "I HAVE to find time to hang out with her!"

As soon as Gabe is over this illness I'll be calling you...

As a former yeller and a child of a yeller, try to remember what you felt like when you were yelled at as a kid. I know I felt like an animal trapped in a corner, and I flet betrayed by my Mom in a way... By seeing things from your child's perspective at times like that, you can control your instict to yell...

In my experience, anyway...

Jessica

kas · 05-24-2003, 01:14 PM

Yeller here too! (ya see?!)
Half the time, in our house, if ya don't yell it, ya won't likely be heard by anyone.

Anger yelling? Sure, I do it sometimes. I try to keep it to a minimum, and never directed toward Landon~it would prolly scare him and make him very sad~but my change of tone and octave w/the older kids is effective most times ('cept w/my teen-grrr), and is useful in getting their attn when they get busy doing something they shouldn't be.

Yelling is a gift passed down from my mum. Although she could scream like a crazed banshee, she was a good mum, and loved me very much

We're a loud family, so my voice being heard over the noise & five other voices HAS to be loud or there would be no direction.
I am very ap oriented, and mother instinctively~yet~I yell. I know there are more of you out there who do the same. It's like the TABOO SECRET OF NON-SPANKERS

momof2boys1girl · 05-24-2003, 02:09 PM

Ok i will step up and admit it to. I am a YELLER. I find somedays that is all i do. My 3 yr and 2 yr old are at the battle of the wills stage and 8 yr old just likes to argue becuase he can.

I wish i could find a way to handle things rather then yell but it seems nothing will work and threats of do not work. Time outs in there rooms do not work.

I guess i am destined to a life as a yeller. I wish i could find a solution and i am sure my neighbors love to hear me when the windows are open.

I wish i had some advice for you. I will hang my head right along with you and let you know you are not alone.

Kelly

eddited to add.... I laid the kids down at 1 for nap it is now 3:30 i have spent the last several hours yelling and trying to get them to stay in there rooms and not play w each other. If they would just stay in there own rooms and rest i would be happy.I think they are finally consenting because i told them they could not go over to a friend of ours house later.URGH!

freedomlover · 05-24-2003, 02:28 PM

I find I tend to yell more when I have stress about something else on my mind.
When I find myself yelling I try to get a handle on the thing causing my stress so I can be more calm in my parenting.

Maybe there is something else happening in your life which makes you less able to handle the childraising stress. A possibility to consider.

mama2cntrykids · 05-24-2003, 02:41 PM

Oh honey I hear ya! I too yell wayyy too much at my 2.5 yo ds and I feel very guilty about it. I really don't have any advice, just (((hugs))) and BREATH, COUNT and PRAY.

And Jessica, thanks for the prospective. I know all to well what it felt like to be yelled at as a kid, heck even now I cry, lol.

Phoenix~Rose · 05-24-2003, 06:33 PM

I used to be. And I have worked really hard on changing that. Now I can honestly say that I hardly ever yell in anger. But it was hard to break the habit though.

ckanddsmama · 05-24-2003, 08:47 PM

I have just been adding this to my list of worries. I often feel like the worst, most disorganized, irresponsible, unreasonable, lazy, selfish mom, so I feel it too. I could talk about this for hours. If anyone wants to become my email buddy for support on this, I would love it, just pm me.

I always try to remember that I am doing the best I can with what I have now, but I never listen to myself.

LESLIE