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Living with any toddler can be like sharing house with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But if your child is "spirited," the toddler years can be especially trying.
What defines a child as "spirited"? "All toddlers are busy: they're climbing and jumping and throwing things," says Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of the popular Raising Your Spirited Child and Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime. "But the high-energy kid is the one who can get to the top of the refrigerator. All toddlers say no, but a spirited child's no's are louder and more frequent, his tantrums longer-lasting and more intense. You gradually realize that as a parent you're working harder than your neighbor, whose child is simply not as intense, persistent, and emphatic as yours. Your child is still normal, he's just more."
But while spirited kids are definitely a challenge, there are ways to diffuse daily battles and teach your toddler to learn to control himself. Here are Kurcinka's top strategies:
Let him know what's coming.
All toddlers are anxious when they can't predict what's coming next, but spirited children need events spelled out to a degree that you might not expect. When it's time to leave the playground and your 2-year-old throws himself on the ground, howling, it's probably because he's insecure about what's coming next. Tell him in detail: you'll go to the car, drive straight home, find big sister and Dad there, and have spaghetti for dinner.
And remember that with toddlers, words aren't always enough. "In the morning you may tell him, 'Daddy will pick you up from daycare tonight,' " says Kurcinka. "But he can't remember that all day. Put a photo of Daddy in the pocket of his backpack. Use visual cues to help him know what's next." Show him photos of Grandma and Grandpa before they arrive for their annual visit. Make up a picture book outlining his bedtime ritual: bath, pajamas, story, bed. Of course you can't cut all the surprises out of life, but you can minimize the stress on your toddler by eliminating surprises.
Be clear and consistent.
Spirited children need the security of clear rules, so it's important to set limits. If naptime is always after lunch and your spirited 3-year-old puts up a fuss, be firm and confident as you enforce his rest period. He also needs consistency. If videos aren't allowed after dinner but you let him watch "just this one" tonight so you can make a phone call, he'll test you and demand one -- forcefully -- every night for the rest of the week.
Maintain physical contact.
"As toddlers move toward independence, they still very much need connection," says Kurcinka. Maybe your toddler would like a backrub before bed. Or in the morning, rock him in a rocking chair or bring toys into your room so he can play near you while you dress for work. At daycare, sit with him on the floor until he moves out into the group on his own. These tactics may seem to slow you down but will actually save you time in avoided tantrums and battles. "Toddlers are learning to be independent," notes Kurcinka, "but they still need that firm foundation, knowing they can trust you to be there for them. That way they'll ultimately be more independent."
Create a "yes" environment. "A toddler's favorite words are 'me do,' " laughs Kurcinka. Let your child pour his own juice out of a little pitcher, use a fork at dinner, put on his own shoes. Even if everything is a little messier and takes a little longer, his increased independence and cooperation are worth it. Also, look at how your house is organized. Is there a low cupboard in the kitchen filled with pots or Tupperware that he can play with? Are his toys and books easy to reach? Is there a bed, couch, or floor pillow that he's allowed to jump on? The more childproof your home is, the less you'll be fighting with him to keep away from special things and places.
Avoid danger spots. If your highly energetic child can't sit still at the table, don't risk taking him to a restaurant -- plan a family picnic in the park instead. If he's slow to adapt to new people, don't take him to see Santa when he's 2 -- wait until he's 5 or 6. And if you find yourself in an overstimulating situation, such as a playmate's big birthday party, don't be shy about leaving early, before your toddler loses it.
Soothe his senses. Help your spirited child wind down when the intensity level starts to rise. Water can be especially soothing: give him a warm bath on a cold night, put a cool washcloth on his forehead on a summer afternoon, or let him play with his rubber ducks in the kitchen sink while you're cooking. Play-Doh and modeling clay are also calming sensory activities, as are finger paints or a play surface covered with sand, cornmeal, or shaving cream to pour and spread.
Acknowledge feelings. Talk to your spirited toddler about why he's starting to melt down, and let him know he's not the only one who is sometimes overcome by difficult emotions. Try saying: "You don't like to be around a lot of people and commotion. I don't either. We'll leave the mall as soon as we've paid for these shoes." Even if he doesn't seem to learn much from it at this age, always explain. Eventually he'll learn to recognize what winds him up before he goes over the edge.
Say "that's great." Don't worry that your spirited toddler will get a big head if you praise him. Reinforce his efforts with positive messages: "Good job getting out of the tub when I asked you to," or "You really played nicely at Peter's house today."
Set realistic expectations. The many daily transitions adults take for granted -- getting out of the house, in and out of the car, to daycare, to the store, home again -- are especially hard on a spirited toddler, who needs extra time to cope with change and may become overwhelmed by people and noise. "Today the average 2-year-old has spent 500 hours of his life in a car," says Kurcinka. "Airplanes, restaurants -- we're taking toddlers places we've never taken them before. Ask yourself, can I expect this of my toddler?" And when possible, skip unnecessary transitions and demands.
Try not to label. Most important of all, examine the way you describe your toddler. The "wild child" who is "stubborn," "exhausting," and a "crybaby" is also a spirited child who is persistent, energetic, and sensitive -- all traits that are admired in adults. Use positive labels when discussing your child with relatives and teachers, and they'll come to see his wonderful attributes too. And with increased self-esteem, he'll want to learn to behave well. You know you're on the right track when your 3-year-old announces to Grandma, "I had lots of energy today!" instead of saying, "I was a bad boy."
Take care of yourself. You may find it difficult, if not impossible, to announce that you need more time for yourself. But the house doesn't have to look perfect, the dinners needn't be gourmet. If it's already midnight and you're exhausted, leave the dishes in the sink. Rest or take a bubble-bath when your child naps, instead of vacuuming the living room. Most important of all, says Kurcinka, "Build a support system. You can't do this seven days a week, 24 hours a day." Your child will benefit when you're revitalized, and so will you. Whether it's your spouse, a friend, a relative, or a babysitter, find a consistent caregiver whom you, and your child, can trust.
Resources
There are many books available to help you understand and work well with your spirited toddler. They include:
- Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (HarperPerennial)
- The Difficult Child: A Guide for Parents, by Stanley Turecki and Leslie Tonner (Bantam)
- Living with the Active, Alert Child, by Linda Budd (Parenting Press)
- Parenting the Fussy Baby and the High-Need Child, by William and Martha Sears (Little Brown
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