amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

milkmaidenmama · 05-14-2003, 09:12 PM

My 3 1/2 yo has always been full of mischief. He is funny and charming and just a very young version of a frat boy at his worst -- complete with burping and farting on command and all of that silliness. He goes full speed all the time and will look me straight in the eye and tell me he won't do something only to do it the very next minute. He occasionally has some remorse when he's done something wrong, but not always. It seems that, more often than not, he is doing what he knows he shouldn't be. He is our middle child, but doesn't seem to suffer from that "complex." In fact, he seems to behave more like the baby. (I'm referring to Dr. Kevin Lehman's Birth Order book, if you're familiar with those descriptions.)

Today he broke a glass vase after dh asked him several times to stop driving his cars over the dishes that were drying on the counter. In the next couple of minutes he pulled the curtains and rod out of the window and then bent the heck out of the rod so it is now completely useless garbage. I was not home when this happened, so I don't know exactly what was going on to preface this behavior, but it is not unusual.

We never seem to be able to get through to him the first time we ask/explain what behavior we need/don't need. Do you have any thoughts and/or suggestions as to how we can deal with our little frat boy without breaking his spirit?

Thanks in advance.

tara · 05-14-2003, 10:36 PM

I feel for you.

It's really hard. I know what it's like to be at that point where the behavior crosses the line from annoying or harmlessly disobedient into full-on destructo disobedient. I don't have the answers (wish I did!) but here's what I've been trying.

When "major" disobedient behavior first starts, I stop what I am doing and get down on his level physically, stop him from what he is doing, and sometimes move into a neutral physical space (even a few feet away). I look into his face and ask him to look at me, and then I explain that I do not like what he is doing, why I do not like what he is doing, and that I need for him to stop. I then tell him that if he continues to do X, then Y will happen. Y is usually an appropriate consequence whenever possible, but sometimes it's him spending some time alone in his room to calm down, or he and I going into a different room together to talk further about the situation.

Example...This has happened to us lately regarding cat treatment. Sam LOVES our cats, but lately he has taken to chasing them. They hate it. I tried the relaxed approach, a la, "Sam, stop chasing the cat. He doesn't like that." It didn't work. Now, when I see him chasing a cat, I walk right over, pick him up, and bring him up to his room. I sit on the bed with him on my lap, and tell him "I saw you chasing the cat. The cat hates it when you chase him and he is starting to become afraid of you. We don't want the cats to feel afraid. I need you to stop chasing the cats. (pause) Can you do that for me?" Pause for answer. If no, discuss further. If yes, then I say, "I would like to go back downstairs. Will you be able to stop chasing the cats?" I really am looking for an honest answer from him.

Sometimes he actually says no, and we continue to discuss things. But we don't leave his room until he agrees that he can stop chasing the cats.

I like this approach better than time out.

Tara

milkmaidenmama · 05-16-2003, 02:01 PM

Thanks, Tara, I'll certainly give it a try. Sometimes with life and the chaos of three busy boys going on around us we forget the basics, yk?

I greatly appreciate your input!

Empathic~Heart · 05-19-2003, 12:52 PM

What comes to mind for me is what his motivation is. Is he needing attention, excitement, exploration...or is he tired, hungry, thirsty, bored and/or winding himself up? Getting to the basis of his behavior via what needs he has at the moment may help figure out the course of action that you decide to take.

There are times when my three yr old also seems to be into everything I *don't* want her in, and when I suggest a new activity (like painting or washing dishes - she loves both) usually I I can distract her from the irritating behavior and onto something she enjoys and becomes engrossed in.

Another thing I want to add - if you're using more than 20-40 words when talking to a small child, they typically will NOT hear the bulk of what you're saying. Not because they don't care or aren't smart enough to follow, but typically their attention span is limited and they will tune out. I know this is true for us.

Once I stopped trying to explain everything in great detail and feeling frustrated cause I wasn't getting through - and started being more succinct it really made a difference.

Good luck! Raising Your Spirited Child is a book I would recommend too.
~Amy