Gentle guidanceThis board is not a debate board regarding spanking vs. non spanking. While we strongly believe that children need and thrive with guidance, we also believe that hitting is not the answer. If you have come here to discuss spanking and your reasons, please desist.
I posted this in gentle guidance but no one replied so I'll post here. I am looking for help with some issues my dd is having and would appreciate any input, suggestions, etc.
My dd is 3 1/2. She now absolutely refuses to bath. She will not sit for a bath or take a shower. She would always happily shower or bath every day at least once if not twice or more. About 4 months ago she was in the shower finishing up and I reached in the linen closet for her towel only taking my eyes off of her for a few seconds when she took a small bottle of adult shampoo and dumped it over her head. I turned around to see what she had done and started rinsing her hair but a little had already gotten into her eyes. I helped her rinse her eyes but adult shampoo really burns. She freaked about the whole incident and refused to bath then on her own accord. I've since had to make her get in and quickly wash her she so could jump right back out. She cries & screams to even do that. If she even sees me in the bathroom she starts to cry and scream. She won't even come in any room near the bathroom for fear of having to bath. She cries about it even when no one has mentioned it or no one is anywhere near the bathroom. That one incident really traumatized her. We have talked to her about how that was an accident and it won't happen again and she can bath and it will be ok. Nothing seems to work. Now, on top of not wanting to bath, yesterday she started refusing to brush her teeth at all b/c she will have to go into the bathroom to do it. I have offered her to brush her teeth in the kitchen but she still refuses and cries. It seems to be moving into different issues. She refuses to go to have her hair cut, she cries when we leave somewhere, she doesn't want to get out of the car and it goes on. I have practiced AP from day one with her so I'm not keen on making her do anything that makes her cry. I have always been fairly lax regarding anything that is not dangerous. Maybe that was wrong. I don't know where to go with this. I don't even know what the real issue is. I believe it to be fear of the bath but could it not be more than that? I just feel like such a failure. I thought it was a phase so I didn't push her and gave her some time after it happened to feel better about it. She has refused to do some things in the past but it never lasted more than a week.
What can I do? I am at such a loss
TIA.
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~Kimberly
*Mom to the dancing queen!
I feel your pain. I have a little one that age who, even though was wearing a lifejacket, fell into a pool and the lifejacket tipped her forward so her face was in the water. It only took a second, but she was in full panic and has had a thing about pools ever since. We tried last summer to take the kids to a very small toddler wading pool (think only a foot deep everywhere) and she cried and screamed before we even got to the gate. And then cried the whole time once inside the gate while standing up against the gate to leave. She wouldn't let anyone hold her, for fear they would try and get her ot go in the pool, so I couldn't even comfort her even though we kept reassuring her no one was going to make her go in the pool. It's been a full year since she fell in the big pool, and she still refuses to go near big pools. Sometimes that trauma can last quite a long time. Right now, we still take dd around pools, but we let her know she doesn't have to go in, and let her watch everyone else having fun from a distance. It helps her to watch from a safe distance and see that other people are safe and also knowign that she is safe. Eventually she will get up enough courage to try going in a big pool again, but she knows no one is going to force her until she doesn't feel scared, and that helps her to feel more brave.
Maybe tell her that no one is going to make her go in the bathroom, and that when she feels braver she can try and go in there, and then maybe find ways to do bathroom-type things elsewhere, like you mentioned about brushing teeth in the kitchen. Maybe move her toothbrush and toothpaste into a small area in the kitchen so she can see it and realize that you understand her fear and are trying to make it easier for her to feel safe. Maybe even let her wash up in the kitchen using a wash cloth instead of baths for a while, and wash her hair in the kitchen sink. That way if she doesn't feel any external pressure to go in the bathroom for anything, then she can slowly get up enough nerve to push herself to go in there, knowing that only she can determine when she is ready. I would imagine at some point (although who knows how long) she would see you and daddy going in there and coming out fine, and want to go try to be brave like a big girl herself instead of doing everyhting in the kitchen. But it's always possible those ides won't work either...... kids are so unpredictable sometimes.... LOL If nothing works, at least know you're not alone and there are others out here struggling with similar issues of toddler fears.
It sounds to me like she has trouble transitioning from one place to the next and that she doesn't like change..I could go into more detail but I'm on my way out-the best tips and info I found on this for my two was in the book 'Raising your spirited child' -it deals alot with some of the scenarios you described, mama-PM me or I'll find this thread again tonight okay?
I see that you are in FL? If it is warm enough she can "bathe" in a kiddie pool, make it fun?
It might help to let her "bathe" a doll and tell this dolly that she will be okay, kindof letting her parent her own fears away with a toy she cares about? Shampoo doll hair, the whole bit? Maybe with you talking the doll trough it with her help?
Originally posted by bananamama Maybe move her toothbrush and toothpaste into a small area in the kitchen so she can see it and realize that you understand her fear and are trying to make it easier for her to feel safe.
Ooh, I like that a lot. Not downplaying her fear but trying to understand it and help her feel safe.
So often (with other folk) I hear things like "oh come on, its no big deal. Quit being a baby".
Ugh.
Thanks for your gentle insight!
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joyce, so blessed to be mama to my darlin' boy paul (8/28/98) and my wild taryn rose (2/7/02)
Thanks for sharing your story about your dd. I'm sorry to hear that happened to her. What you describe though "is" exactly how my dd is acting. And with my dd she will play in water just will not go in the bath. She swims in our pool and plays with the hose. I've even tried having her bath at my mom's house but that didn't work either.
I have told her that no one is going to make her go in the bathroom and she still brings it up herself constantly. It's as if that is the only thing on her mind sometimes I cry about it almost daily myself b/c she brings it up so often that I know it really did a number on her.
Thanks for the suggestions! I will try moving her toothbrush and other things into the kitchen and see how that goes. Along with washing her up in the kitchen.
Thanks for the suggestion about the book. I had thought that book being called "spirited" meant an unruly (for lack of a better word) child. I'll check it out though and see if it can help.
Originally posted by Morgansma I have told her that no one is going to make her go in the bathroom and she still brings it up herself constantly. It's as if that is the only thing on her mind sometimes I cry about it almost daily myself b/c she brings it up so often that I know it really did a number on her.
Ya know, your comment about how she brings it up, and that she seems to think upon it a lot, reminds me of this past winter when I got sick with the worst case of the flu I have ever had. When I finally got well, I was terrified to go anywhere and became quite germophobic because the experience was so awful for me that I just couldn't bear even the thought of having it again. Seems everything would set off a memory of the awful experience and the memories were just as bad as reliving it all over again. It sure did take me a while before I was able to go to the grocery store without fearing I would catch a flu bug from touching somethign or breathing the air. Eventually I realized I had to get brave since I was the only one to get groceries, and once I made it to the store a few times and came home without catching another flu bug, it made it easier for me to not panic the next time I went.
Ahhh the memories...... LOL
My flu experience and all it's crystal clear images are already faded. I remember being sick, I remember it wasn't fun, but the vivid images of the pain I suffered during that time are not there.
I imagine that as time goes on your dd's memories, which are probably very crystal clear and hard to forget, will slowly fade and won't be as bothersome to her as they are now since they are so fresh. Kinda like labor. We end up forgetting the pain, although we don't forget the experience. And the pain, or memory of the pain, is what makes a person avoid things.
My flu experience and all it's crystal clear images are already faded. I remember being sick, I remember it wasn't fun, but the vivid images of the pain I suffered during that time are not there.
I imagine that as time goes on your dd's memories, which are probably very crystal clear and hard to forget, will slowly fade and won't be as bothersome to her as they are now since they are so fresh. Kinda like labor. We end up forgetting the pain, although we don't forget the experience. And the pain, or memory of the pain, is what makes a person avoid things. [/b][/quote]
I believe you're right Thanks for the insight. Makes quite a bit of sense to me now that I think about the way in which you wrote it.
Sorry you had that awful illness. Thinking back though I can remember feeling the same way after being terribly ill. Not wanting to leave the house and afraid of becoming ill again. Not a good feeling to have.
Hopefully, with my dd, the memory will too eventually fade and she will not be scarred for life by the experience. I know to some it may seem trivial but to a small person it is a huge experience.
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