amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

TeresaLock · 04-23-2003, 10:48 PM

I have a few specific situations that i'd love some suggestions on for natural consequences. My son is 4 yrs old and i'm really having a tough time w/ some of his behavior. One thing is certain words that he says. 2 that really upset me are shut up and bootie. Both i believe he picked up from watching the movie Shrek b/c we have never told him shut up nor do we say bootie. It's possible that he's heard them from his cousin but i don't know what is a natural consequence when he says them. We were at a party on monday and i took him away from the other kids at least 4 times for telling them to shut up etc. Also, he calls other kids names like joey and they don't like it but i dont' know how to get him to stop. Also, he puts his hands on peoples necks almost like he's strangling them or something. I don't know where he got that but what do i do when he does that to friends or his sister? Also, dd has started liking to sit on a stool and read and ds thinks that both of them are "his" and therefore he doesn't have to share. We have 2 and i feel he should share one w/ her but i don't want him to feel that he has to give all his things to her. Should i force him to share one or get her one of her own? ONe last situation. Today he came in the kitchen and told me he didnt' know who ate some of the donut and then refused to hand me the box. I explained to him that i knew he did and that lies aren't nice and we don't accept lies. I told him that he's get no more donuts today b/c of that. Should i have done more or is that enough? Oh, one more question pertaining to 16 month dd. She keeps spitting at us and i tell her no spitting but at this age i don't know if there is realistically anything else to do. Thanks for reading so far and any suggestions.

amelia · 04-24-2003, 01:07 AM

Shrek language is an issue here too

I try to calmly state that we don't speak to each other that way and limit what they watch from now on. My getting upset seems to make it more fun.

The only other thing I can offer is have dd spit in the sink or garbage can or something, that seems to take some of the novelty out of it. I tell my older kids "if you want to spit go brush your teeth" that wouldn't work so much for a 16 m/o

MGray · 04-24-2003, 09:24 AM

Okay - your 4 yr old:

The lying - I've found that not trusting them in return works well.

You could say "you lied to me, so for the next X days, I won't be able to trust you"

How this works in reality - well, the fun thing you want to do - they can't because, you just don't trust them. For example, mine like to play in the stream - well, you can't do that because I don't trust you to act right. Or No, you can't play with your friend because I can't trust you to make good decisions.

The name calling - a simple "we don't speak ugly" is appropiate. "If you can't play with your friends without controlling your tounge, we will just have to go home." It is amazing how effective leaving a party can be

I know, it's no fun for you - but it sends a clear message.

One thing I do, when we are out someplace and it is safe to do this - I will send the offender to the car. This is appropriate only in some situations. Something else I've done is have another momma watch my other children and sat with the offender in the car. That way my other children are not punished by one's actions.

The choking - again, I would treat it a lot like the name calling. Also, keep in mind, at 4 - a child's friends will help eliminate antisocail behavior. They will stop playing with someone who is mean or hurting them. This is a pretty effective lesson. I often tell my kids - "if they can't play nice, don't play with them" when other kids are acting poorly. The other kid will often shape up after their peers shun them (my kids have been shunned by their peers to and it has helped them stop poor behavior).

The chair sharing. If you have 2 stools, I wouldn't let my older child decide both were his. My oldest child has a habit of suddenly showing interest in the object of his younger sibling's attention. Now, if it is truely his or a special object, I respect that. But a common object like furniture, I won't tolerate his selfishness.

I tell him he is being selfish and then I make him do a selfless act in reparation - cleaning your sibling's room is pretty effective.

For you spitting toddler - that's a toughie. The problem with toddlers is they don't really understand logical consequences, so they will often repeat behavior to see if something different may happen. I would just say "no spitting" and then put them in some sort of time out - like in bed. After much consistancy, it'll sink in.

HTH - Melinda