Gentle guidanceThis board is not a debate board regarding spanking vs. non spanking. While we strongly believe that children need and thrive with guidance, we also believe that hitting is not the answer. If you have come here to discuss spanking and your reasons, please desist.
We moved to this house about two years ago when my daughter was about 8 weeks old. The following summer we were outdoors in the yard when I met our neighbors who, at the time, had two kids (now there are three). Last summer I became aware that they physically discipline their children. Unfortunately, I've heard this happening late nights during the warm weather when everyone has their windows open (our backyards butt up against one another). As far as I can tell, it's spanking when the boys won't go to bed -- not pushing, punching, etc. I've never seen any bruises but it still makes me cringe when I hear the father shouting. Not that spanking is okay but I think these parents think they're just disciplining and not beating. The middle boy is about the age of my daughter and I'm worried that the kids are going to meet each other through the fence one day and want to play. What do I tell my daughter? What do I say to the parents? I don't want the boys to feel like that little girl's mean mommy won't let her play w/ them b/c they're not good enough.
And here's another one...
My "cousin-in-law" and her two kids (aged 4 and 3) will be moving back to the area in a few months. She spanks her kids. She grabs them and slaps their thighs and bottoms. Often when she calls me on the phone, I hear her kids crying and whining and she just shouts at them to leave her alone and no, they can't do that, and on and on. She lets them beat each other up b/c "that will teach them not to antagonize each other".
Here's my real question: How do I handle this? I don't want to alienate and upset the rest of the family but I also don't want my daughter exposed to the violence. I'm sure you're all aware of the whole "parenting differences" debate. The rest of the family already thinks I'm a weird tree-hugger b/c I'm a SAHM practicing attachment parenting and extended breastfeeding.
Any suggestions on how to protect my children from witnessing people who like to discipline the "old fashioned" way?
I'm confused about why you want to protect them from seeing it? All of my children's cousins are spanked, there's no way they could avoid seeing it. But I've made it clear to my children's aunts that they are not allowed to hit my children and that I don't hit my children. It's caused tension in the family a bit, but we've all given each other space with it.
I don't think James has really noticed yet, he's only two, but he saw it on a Beatrix Potter video (Benjamin Bunny?) and he was confused by it. I honestly wasn't sure how to explain.
I'd like to hear your thoughts on this because I've never thought of protecting James from *seeing* it. Is there a reason I should? We see all sorts of things in the city that we don't choose for ourselves. So far I think James is secure in our family rules and values and doesn't seem affected by seeing things outside of how we live. I'm not sure I believe in protecting him from seeing things -- I mean I don't let him see commercial tv or anything -- but seeing other children and their lives. It sounds a little creepy (you don't sound creepy, just the idea) in the sense that radical conservatives would not want their children exposed to children with gay parents or something. It's not the children's fault and I don't think I should teach my son that we avoid other children or judge other people. We just do things in our way -- respectful and loving.
Astoria
__________________ Mama to JR 3/15/01 and CJ 3/16/03 and due in August.
Just a clarification. I meant that its not the children's fault that they are spanked (*not that their parents are gay*). Of course that's not their "fault" either but that's because it's not a fault.
Sorry if that sounded confusing or offensive. I just wrote it in a slightly garbled way.
I had a similar experience with a firend. She and I grew up together. Then she moved away and we both had our kids. Then we ended up living near each other again. I *knew* she spanked her kids, as well as threatened them (i.e. Do you want me whip your butt? Some little girl is gonna die here today!") Nice, huh? That's what I would hear her saying to her dd's (ages 5 and 2 1/2) over the phone. I knew when we lived near each other this was going to be an issue for me.
Lo and behold, after living near each other and having the kids play with each other for about a month I was over there and one of her dd's wouldn't take a nap so she took her into the bedroom and started spanking her. I (and my kids) could hear the sound of smacking and the 2 /12 y.o. crying. As this was going on I started packing up my kids to leave. When she came out she asked why I was leaving and I made an excuse that the baby was cranky, etc. The she asked me "Are you offened that I spanked *M*?" I told her that offended was not the right word, that this was her house and I am in no positiion to to tell her how to discipline her kids, that her kids are her business, not mine, etc. But that I did not spank my kids and I don't want them to be around to witness it. She went on to say that she doesn't do it very often, its only smacking her on her arm. Blah blah blah.
Fast forward a few months, the truth comes out that she was really uspet that I left, that her feelings were hurt, that she felt I was judging her. We kind of worked through it but bottom line is I told her that I thought I had been dplomatic, I never told her to stop, I just chose not to be there when she was doing it. (though at the time I wanted to smack *her* to see how she liked it. )
The reason I chose to not have my dd see it is because dd sees my friends as people to trust. I did not want her to see someone that she thought she could trust whacking her daughter. (BTW, my friend has since moved away!)
IMO, I would let your dd play with the neighbor as long as they played at your house/yard. About the family situation, we moved 10 minutes from my BIL and SIL who do use physical punishment ( I have seen on rare occaision a swat on the rear, arm, etc.) Dd knows that in *our* house no one is allowed to hit anyone else. Period. And my BIL and SIL respect this.
__________________ ~Kelly~
Single mum to RS, JL, andJM
I have a friend that is like that. I'll be on the phone with her and 90% of the time she's yelling at her almost 5 year old. Telling her to shut up, leave her alone, go away, ect.. she threatens to spank her and all sorts of other stuff. I know they spank her, I know they spank her with her DH's belt b/c that's how she was raised, she sees nothing wrong with it, and I'm not about to tell her how she should or shouldn't parent. However, I won't bring Connor with me over to her house anymore, or I'll go over when her DD is in school. I'm not saying I never yell at Connor, I have occasionally and normally it's when he's doing something extremely dangerous (scaling the windowsill, standing on the table or something and it's heat of the moment kind of yelling, like I look up and see it and just quickly shout GET DOWN or something along those lines, then I tell him why and all that. I do let Connor play with her DD, but at our house or when we go to McDonalds for an afternoon or something like that. I won't bring him over there b/c I don't want him to be around all her negativity and yelling and whatnot. I think it's pretty crappy and I just sit there and bite my tongue whenever I hear her yelling at her.
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I used to have a neighbor who used corporal punishment. The first time that it was apparant (I can't remember if she told me something, or I witnessed something), I explained to her that I did not believe that corporal punishment was appropriate. Of course, we had a relationship where we were comfortable discussing our differences. I asked that she not do it in my home, or in front of my children if we were in her home. She respected my wishes. There were several times she would leave my house because she felt she needed to "deal" with her child. I had hoped that by watching how I dealt with my children, she might reconsider. I did see a reduction in how often she did it, but she still felt it was necessary at times.
One time my older brother spanked his son in a restaurant while we were all together. I wanted to get up and leave when I saw the look on my daughter's face. I just didn't know how to handle it ... and DH wasn't with us. My mother was so kind about it, though...she reached her hand over and held mine and gave me that look that she cared about how much I was bothered by the incident. But, nobody said anything to my brother.
It is a very sensitive subject with alot of people. Although there are those who feel totally comfortable with corporal punishment, I believe many that use it feel some guilt. They do not want to be reminded that they might should parent a different way.
I think some strong boundaries need to be in place. Saying something like "There is no hitting in this house of any kind." And leaving it at that.
I agree with Lisha - model, model, model to your cousin. Show her how you react with your children, and let her see the relationship you have with them. I sense WAY more respect between you and your kiddos vs her way of parenting.
Legally, her kids are being neglected. And she is allowing them to abuse each other. I don't know what you could do about that, but do know it is not ok. Do you feel comfortable talking with her or will you receive the same treatment?
Above all, love her. Love her in the way Christ loved all sinners. She doesn't need negativity and judgement, she needs understanding (she sounds overwhelmed and under-educated about parenting) and guidance.
((HUGS)) I am sorry you are dealing with this sticky situation.
due in August.
, JL 
, andJM 
I think it's pretty crappy and I just sit there and bite my tongue whenever I hear her yelling at her. 
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