amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

Empathic~Heart · 03-31-2003, 09:27 PM

Describe the situation from your child's point of view. Listen responsively.

"Whenever we go to the park, you have such a good time on the swings and the slide or playing with the other kids that you don't want to leave when Mommy says it's time to go. In fact, it makes you so mad when I tell you that we have to leave and you run in the other direction."

Describe your own feelings and needs sensitively and honestly. Use "I" messages. Avoid suggesting solutions.

"Sometimes I want to leave because I am cold and tired or sometimes I want to leave because I know that we have to get home to start supper...etc. When I have to tell you several times that it's time to go, or if I have to chase you, it makes me very mad and then we don't have a happy ride home. What do you think we could do so that we would both be happy?"

Restate the problem and brainstorm together to think of possible solutions.

"You let me stay as long as I want to."
"One day you decide and the next time I'll decide."
"We could decide together each day what time we have to leave and then when my watch says the leaving time, we would go."

Decide which suggestions you both like and want to follow through on.

"I don't feel good about your deciding every time and you don't want me to tell you. How about if we decide before we go and I will set my watch?"

Plan together how you will implement your agreed upon solution.

"Then we can both keep an eye on my watch and when it's time to go, we'll just go.

Showing Empathy:

"That must have been hard."
"That must be upsetting to you."
"Gee, that's too bad."
"You must be so pleased."

Sharing what you think you hear:

"It sounds like you got very mad when Jimmy grabbed the truck away from you."

Reflecting back what you think the speaker is feeling:

"You sound disappointed and upset that you can't watch this video."
"It must be frustrating to have a friend who sometimes hits you."

Paraphrasing, or restating the message:

"So, what you're saying is you don't want to put your laundry away. You want to do your artwork."

Responding non-verbally:

Nod
Move closer
Hold, hug

Responding neutrally:

"I see"
"Oh"
"hmm"

Inviting the person you are talking with to say more:

"Tell me about it."
"Would you like to discuss it?"

Avoid giving your own opinions, suggestions, and wishes until you have responded sensitively in several of the above stated ways.

Kids know who is on their side. They can sense authenticity. As parents, relatives, caretakers and other adults in a young person's life, we can respect children's ideas, needs and ways of looking at the world. By putting ourselves in those smaller shoes and sensing what a child may be experiencing, we are more aware of what he or she needs. We will be better able to communicate and to care for that youngster.

Listening and watching may be the best ways to do this. They allow us to create an environment where we can see and hear, without distractions, what our children are communicating, verbally and non-verbally. We can use moments in the day, like a car rides, or we can also look for other ways to carve out special time.

(((((

Empathic~Heart · 05-19-2003, 01:58 PM