amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

roosmom · 03-28-2003, 03:48 PM

After just being snowed in with my parents I need some valium - and some advice.
My folks think we are much too lenient with my ds age 4.5.
Sometimes I wonder too - we are struggling with using gentle discipline that sometimes crosses over into permissiveness.
I am aware of that. But I am always working, always concious of what is happening, what we need to do better, looking for resources etc.

DS is a normal 4 yo boy - loud, active, impulsive. My folks were continually annoyed with him.
Sigh.

One day ds wore the new cowboy boots his grandpa had gotten him outside - found a stream of melting snow to romp in.
He came in all excited about something he had found. When I took his boots off they were full of water.

My mom was there - she was appalled that he had mistreated his new boots. I took ds upstairs and put him in the bath to warm up.
She said "you are going to punish him aren't you?".
I looked shocked - she said 'I don't mean spanking but you have to take something away from him or SOMETHING"
And then "how is he going to learn??"

Now to me this was normal 4 y.o. behaviour - he got carried away with exploring, forgot his new boots, trampled into a stream - so? No concern to me.
Later I was able to talk to him about what footwear was appropriate, that cowboys wore waterproof boots in wet weather etc. I put the boots away until things dry out.
on a walk yesterday he told ME about when to wear what boots.
The idea of punishing him never entered my mind.

Well my mom kept pushing it - wanted to talk to me about what I was doing wrong, how they need discipline etc. We've been there before. I just kept telling her I did not have the energy to get into this now and put it off.

So, to the root of it - HOW do you succinctly explain to someone what this parenting style is about?
I need some words.
I know that what THEY see in him - the rowdy loud kid that he is - is that he is terribly ill behaved and we are ruining him.
I see a work in progress, a child who behaves normally for his age, a loving boy who is having a hard time at times learning to control his impulses but growning day to day.

I'm not sure there are words that will convince them. But help me frame something that will let them know I'm not just oblivious .. Idunno.

Its so painful. It brings up so much of how 'I' was parented!
I want to throw it in their faces at times - 'yea, well if you did such a great job why have I been in therapy for 15 years, and my brother is an alchoholic"
But I do think they did the best they knew how. - they were not intentionally cruel.
I just wish they'd support me now.
Sigh again.

Thanks for letting me vent and any words of wisdom will help.
HOW do you succinctly explain

Mama2miracles · 03-28-2003, 04:41 PM

hmmm - I'm hoping someone wise will come on here to help you out. I just want to encouage you that it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job and are the kind of parent I truly WANT to become. I want to be the parent who thinks first of the child before yelling about the boots (or other thing).

I know I've told my MIL (multiple times) that we are the parents of our children and so things are our decision and she had her turn with her kids. But, ummm, that's not too tactful! I don't try to explain because she never listens anyway.

I think you are right that a lot of it is defensiveness about how they raised you. For example- my MIL tried to feed my 3 WEEK old baby solids and was adament through all THREE babies that I should bottlefeed because it's healthier for the baby. No interest in the actual FACTS just "that's what I did and my kids turned out fine and I raised 3 children, so I have all the experience". Sigh.

roosmom · 03-29-2003, 01:30 PM

Thanks Cheryl! It really helps to know others struggle with this as well.
It helped just to write it out.

I am also very greatful that its MY mother not my MIL.
My MIL is incredibly supportive even tho' we do things differently.
What a wise lady. It would add another layer to be trying to deal with my husband's mother!

Best wishes!

Empathic~Heart · 03-29-2003, 10:00 PM

This is SO hard! Before I had Ava, my mom & I went through a pretty rough spot with communication. I finally told her that it was difficult for me to continue a dialog when I was feeling overwhelmed emotionally, and that it would be helpful for me to wait until I have time to calm down and think before I speak. I told her that when she was getting overly-close to the boundaries I have been trying to maintain, that I would "invoke the Prime Directive". If you're a trekker - you know what this means. If not, it basically means that one is NOT to mess with alien life forms.

Since doing this, my mom has really learned that her way is not my way, and that I can't live life the same way she did/does. I know she wishes I would put my foot down more with some behavior...but I think I'm raising a wonderful, self-full child who knows what she wants. All of these qualities would be very valued in an adult, so why not a child?

If you are able to hear your mother with compassion and recognize her needs (to contribute, to be understood, respect, appreciation) yet remain true to your own (autonomy, respect, to be understood) I'm guessing you can have a dialog that will serve both of your needs. She may really be feeling guilty or sad that you're doing things different because you think she was a bad mother.

You can reflectively listen to her without offering your own bias or judgement. "Yes mom, you're worried that ds won't learn to respect his things. You want him to take care of his things." You've basically just let her know you're listening. It MIGHT work and be all that is needed. If I just shrug my mom off, she gets a bit more intrusive. Sometimes I need to finesse the situation, yet still remain true to my own needs and beliefs. I also share things that I've read with my parents, so they know it's not just me and my crazy ideas. lol!

Joyce - would your parents read articles or anything? I have some to share!

http://www.cnvc.org/raisekds.htm

http://www.extension.umn.edu/distrib...s/6961_03.html

http://www.ncyc.com/html/natural_consequences.html

Natural/logical consequences are probably the most simplistic way to explain it. The second link up there is a *GREAT* chart on natural, logical consequences and punishment. Sorry I'm not more help mama!
*hug*

IBelieveInFae · 03-30-2003, 01:25 AM

I'm living this right now. My Mom has been the worse about the choices I and DH have made about raising Annabelle. If cribs didn't cost so much, she would have bought us one.

If I had been in your shoes I would have said "The boots are a thing, and they are less important than killing my son's curiosity. I would rather have the boots be ruined, which they are not, than have him not wonder about things. I don't want his mind to be lazy. I will talk with him about how rain boots are for water. All in all, this is not a huge thing." and gone from there.

I've tried giving her articles, and studies and papers and she just turns her nose up at them. Saying "I'm her mother and what I say goes" seems to have worked better.

roosmom · 03-30-2003, 05:33 PM

Thanks mamas! I do think my folks need to know they are 'heard' - I have been so hurt by these discussions in the past I kinda cut them off.
But they need to hear that I have strong feelings about how I am raising my kids that they may never understand but that I will not back down.
Thanks for the links Amy. It 'might' help but this may be beyond 'reason'.

Its an odd dance isn't it - being a child and a parent, having children and parents...

shortbutcute · 03-30-2003, 08:35 PM

This all sounds so familiar! I'm constantly going through the same thing with my parents and my MIL. I gave my mom a book on AP. You might try giving them THE DISCIPLINE BOOK by Dr. Sears. Of course, my mom just turned her nose up at the book I gave her. I think she read part of it, but she told my sister behind my back that AP would spoil Gabriel. I, too, am messed up b/c of how my parents raised me and I can totally see that. My brother died at the age of 24 from drug/alcohol addiction and I don't think he ever felt loved/adequate. Yet they still think their way is better. How blind can you be? I've kept my mouth shut though b/c I don't want to hurt their feelings. I know they did the best they could with the info they had at the time.

MOTHERING YOUR NURSING TODDLER said it's best to listen to their advice and then kindly tell them that you understand they are just concerned for you and your child b/c they care about you. It's also good to let them know that you value them and their opinions. But then you can kindly tell them this is what works for you (and you can tell them why if you want). I love to give my parents books or refer to books so they can see I'm doing this based on research, not just b/c I'm lazy

Anyway, I don't really have many answers, but I totally know what your going through. Family is hard to deal with!

_Gentle_Spirit_ · 06-18-2003, 01:45 PM

Wow, Joyce, I could of written your post <sigh> I do know what you are going through with your parents.

My mom is the most vocal about my parenting style <which is SO different from the way I was raised> She would never allow children to sleep in the same bed, with her. I am told this All the time. My children should sleep in their own rooms, alone.

When the children were infants I was told to let them cio...you will spoil them if you hold them too much <sigh>

Items, such as your ds's boots, are to be treated with respect...we did not have much growing up, so what you did have you took care of...This had been grilled into my head so many times, I sometimes struggle with thinking this way. I agree with you though, and try hard to let my children have the freedom to express themselves/explore without reminding them of the value of something.

I gently remind my mom that, yes, I parent differently then she did. My children are well adjusted, loving & respectful. I have made different choices in life then she did. I love my children very much and only want what is best for them, as you wanted for me.
I know that my mom and dad love me but my childhood was anything but happy for me. They did the best they thought they could at the time. I do not want that for my children so have chosen a different parenting path. Not even realizing, at the time, there was a name for it...AP!!

My mom seems to understand then...when gently reminded of what my childhood was like. Oh, how easy it is to forget.

I understand your frustration but know you are doing what is best for your children.