amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

Sunflower_Momma · 11-26-2007, 12:46 PM

Here's the question: how do you think it best to handle bullies? I've recently changed my mind and before I share my thoughts, I'm interested in hearing what others think the best manner to handle bullies.

3boysnagrl · 11-26-2007, 12:52 PM

For me it would completely depend on the age of the bully and the age of the person being bullied. I mean, it's one thing if it's 2 five year olds - and quite another if the bully is 10 and the other child is 5. And also, what type of 'bully'... like, "give me your lunch money or I'll pound you?" or "you can't play with us" type. Also, is it a chronic bully or a kid who is trying ot get attention for a short time? kwim?

My oldest has a problem with being bullyish (picking horribly) at younger children, especially his siblings and their friends. It's something I am really trying to get a handle on, but he gets too much enjoyment out of it to stop. Breaks my heart to see him act that way - but - I'm also at a loss as to what to do next because my efforts thus far have been in vain.

Sandi · 11-26-2007, 12:57 PM

In what situation?

If someone at school were bullying, I would immediately conference with the teacher, principal, and parents. Zero tolerance.

If it were a playmate - parents and child.

I'd need to know more about the age and situation, though.

Sunflower_Momma · 11-26-2007, 01:04 PM

I'm trying to keep it open and generic, so you pick the situation and the context.

I'm thinking of my dd (5) whom I believe is at a higher risk of being bullied. she has been on a couple of occassions. But, I'm not thinking specifically of 5 year olds or even of her. I'm thinking generalities.

OnTheBrink · 11-26-2007, 01:09 PM

Why do you think she is at a higher risk of being bullied? And how have you handled it in the past? Just curious mommy questions!

For a five year old, I think she needs an adult to defend her and make most of the decisions on this one. She needs to have it modeled for her that there are people who can help (parents, teachers), that it's OK to not want to be around some people (bullies) and that some behaviors are always unacceptable (bullying).

Sunflower_Momma · 11-26-2007, 01:20 PM

I think she is at higher risk because she is reserved, shy, loves people, is compassionate, always "wants to be nice," and is the least aggressive person I know. Much of this is wonderful.

Example is one I gave a while ago: we were at a fountain in the city where kids were playing. One little boy (probably 7) kept pushing her off her spot (where the water was about to come up). I suspected it was because he liked her and was trying to engage her in an inappropriate manner. I went to him and told him that Lauren is a nice girl and that she would likely welcome any positive gestures he would make with regard to playing with her, but that if he could not play nicely with her that he should go somewhere else. He continued with aggression and I told him (in no uncertain terms) that if he did not go play elsewhere immediately then I was going to tell his mother. He left her alone.

In the past my thinking was to always turn the cheek and be nice. If it could not be addressed through those means then the "authorities" (teachers, parents, administrators) would resolve it. Now, I think that the first step is generous and kind, but that if that does not immediately work, shock and awe is the next step. I.E., hit and hit hard. Symbolically speaking. I find it shocking that I am even thinking of doing something that might hurt another child.

in summary: I now believe that kindness and generousity will not always work to resolve bullying and that aggression might have to be the way to treat it. And, that shocks me that I am thinking that way.

DixieChick · 11-26-2007, 01:21 PM

I don't tolerate it. Fortunately, my children's school doesn't either. I have taught all of my children to talk to an adult. They also know that if they are in a situation where they can't get to a safe place, they are allowed to use any means necessary to protect themselves. We have talked about when someone tries to take them away. I equate bullying with this. If you can't get to a safe place or to an adult, you may scream, hit, kick, bite, punch, throw, do whatever it takes to keep you safe.

Nancy, I love your sigline, by the way! I am sort of in the same boat!

DixieChick · 11-26-2007, 01:25 PM

Just read your reply Rebecca. There was a NASTY little boy in the chick-fil-a play place last week. His parents were sitting out of sight of the playstructure. He would haul off and smack my 2yo, who is a tough kid. I walked in the door, and he started apologizing. I told him that if he hit my boy again, I was going to go find his mother. He left Samuel alone. However, later, he bit the CRAP out of my 5yo. I made sure my son was ok, and was on my way to find his mom when she came in. I politely told her that her son had bitten mine quite hard. She said,"Sorry, we were leaving anyway."

I figured they were leaving, so there wasn't a reason to pursue it.

I also want my children to know that I will ALWAYS back them up. Celeste, my oldest, was surprised when I told her she could fight back. She is a very law abiding child. She was concerned she would get in trouble at school.

I assured her that her safety was more important, that I would stand behind her in the principal's office and tell them she did the right thing. I also told her that if they thought she did a wrong thing by protecting herself, that I didn't trust them and she could come home for school, no problem.

Sunflower_Momma · 11-26-2007, 01:26 PM

That's EXACTLY what I think too.

HuncaMunca · 11-26-2007, 01:28 PM

I just heard a show on this topic recently on the radio and much of what they said made sense. First of all, in a school or similar situation, I think adults should be aware of the problem so that they can be keeping an eye out, step in, keep the child safe. Bullies are definitely smart enough NOT to bully when there are adults around.

What the show said was... you can't really depend on changing other people - in this case the bully. They often don't and can't understand how hurtful their actions are. You can help (empower) your child to change: to grow in assertiveness, self-confidence, having some "tools" to handle certain situations.

And try to help you child connect with kids who aren't bullies. My friend's dd recently had a relatively minor incident on the playground - a group of kids playing and the ringleader wouldn't let her dd join in. I know one of the other kids fairly well - very very sweet girl and not the type to exclude other kids or hurt anyone on purpose. But she didn't have the confidence to stand up to the ringleader and say "Yes she CAN play with us." That's a very important idea to teach our kids - even if you're not the one doing the bullying, if you stand by and don't do anything it's almost as bad. For some kids, all it may take is some role playing and letting them know the right way to handle things so that when they encounter such situations they know how to react. In this case, after my friend talked to the school counselor, they had a little role playing lesson in school to teach some ways to handle these things.

AngelaJ · 11-26-2007, 01:30 PM

What about name-calling? Do others consider this to be bullying? I do, and I am having a difference of opinion about this with the school, who apparently want to use my DD as a scapegoat because her communication skills are not what others her are.

I'll admit, to second-guessing myself on this one.

Sandi · 11-26-2007, 01:32 PM

I think of bullying in other terms - I don't think L is at any more risk of bullying than any other child, but rather the bully will find someone to pick on no matter who is in the room. However, I do worry about the vulnerability to bullies in some of my kids more than others.

And, I agree with Hayes.

We've had a couple instances of bullying in our short parenting careers, and those times were all school related. Oh - wait - and the cousin I've talked about. Family is a little harder/touchier. I definitely have a tendency to "mama bear" out in that situation, and never hesitate to involve another child's parent(s).

OnTheBrink · 11-26-2007, 01:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunflower_Momma

I think she is at higher risk because she is reserved, shy, loves people, is compassionate, always "wants to be nice," and is the least aggressive person I know. Much of this is wonderful.

That sounds so like my Emma! And I think that she is more likely to be bullied as well. Luckily, she has no problems walking away and finding an adult. She hasn't figured out how to "solve" it on her own, but I think that finding help is a great solution.

Quote:

in summary: I now believe that kindness and generousity will not always work to resolve bullying and that aggression might have to be the way to treat it. And, that shocks me that I am thinking that way.

I agree! What kind of agression do you have in mind?

Sunflower_Momma · 11-26-2007, 01:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChasingChe

I think of bullying in other terms - I don't think L is at any more risk of bullying than any other child, but rather the bully will find someone to pick on no matter who is in the room. However, I do worry about the vulnerability to bullies in some of my kids more than others.

And, I agree with Hayes.

We've had a couple instances of bullying in our short parenting careers, and those times were all school related. Oh - wait - and the cousin I've talked about. Family is a little harder/touchier. I definitely have a tendency to "mama bear" out in that situation, and never hesitate to involve another child's parent(s).

my sister's 5 year old son bit Lauren so hard that it left a bruise and broke a tiny bit of her skin over the past week. Man, that was a hard one. If it hadn't been family, I'd have reacted a whole lot differently, but it was my sister's son. At least it was well handled by her. I'm not sure it was well handled by me because I think I should have reacted in a way that showed both him and his parents how disappointed and angry I was, but I soft pedaled it because I didn't want to hurt my sister's feelings. and, I figured she felt bad enough as it was. What I wanted to do was to take Lauren aside and teach her how to throw a wicked mean punch.

Sunflower_Momma · 11-26-2007, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OnTheBrink

I agree! What kind of agression do you have in mind?

This is where I'm not certain. But significant threat so that the bully leaves my child alone (obviously I cannot hurt a child). But, whatever it takes.