Gentle guidanceThis board is not a debate board regarding spanking vs. non spanking. While we strongly believe that children need and thrive with guidance, we also believe that hitting is not the answer. If you have come here to discuss spanking and your reasons, please desist.
Has anyone else read this? I have not finished it yet. I am impressed by the concept, but I am not sure how I feel about the idea that a kid will do things out of his heart, and I should be willing to take no for an answer.
Like I said, I haven't read the entire book, but I allow my child to say no to cleaning up after him/herself, etc., and either take care of everyday chores myself until they are willing to do them out of compassion?
Does that work?
__________________ Jody
Mama to two boys (5-10-98 and 6-01-01), and two girls (11-18-03 and 1-11-07)
I'm not sure if anything always "works". I don't think the idea of the book is to find something that always works or will fix all the problems (or percieved problems) we have with our kids. It's more a way to help you have a more connected and authentic relationship with them. I loved the book...and I just love Naomi.
I saw an ad for this book in Life Learning Magazine, so I ordered it from Amazon, it should be here in a few days. It sounds really good. I am always looking for gentle options where discipline is concerned.
I'm sorta iffy about it. I like a lot of what she says, but some of it just rubs me the wrong way. She basically says that if you don't parent the way she does and instead resort to setting limits and the like, then your child is going to lose his authentic self and turn into a depressed, drug addicted adult......
I'm sorta iffy She basically says that if you don't parent the way she does and instead resort to setting limits and the like, then your child is going to lose his authentic self and turn into a depressed, drug addicted adult......
I can understand her concepts being hard to take (they sort of take a big turn from a lot of the standard ways of relating to children) and even not ringing true with your own personal philosophies, but no where does she even come close to saying anything like this.
I can understand her concepts being hard to take (they sort of take a big turn from a lot of the standard ways of relating to children) and even not ringing true with your own personal philosophies, but no where does she even come close to saying anything like this.
Granted, I was exxagerating, but here's a direct quote:
"Distracting a child from emotions can also be one of the causes for later drug use, overuse of painkillers, and a tendendy to always search for the easy answers." pg. 114
I don't like that she makes these type of assertions all the time in her book without really giving any proof that they are true.
I have it and have only read a few pages. I am curious to see how I feel about it in general. I have been trying to parent more that way (check out http://www.scottnoelle.com/--one of Linda's faves ) for more along those lines. I'd love to discuss the book more as we read it!
__________________ My feedback thread
Sybil~ Mama to two adorable boys
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once
[s]he grows up.--Pablo Picasso
Granted, I was exxagerating, but here's a direct quote:
"Distracting a child from emotions can also be one of the causes for later drug use, overuse of painkillers, and a tendendy to always search for the easy answers." pg. 114
I don't like that she makes these type of assertions all the time in her book without really giving any proof that they are true.
I hear that you were exagerating ... but I agree with the quote you posted above. I don't know how many times I've heard well-meaning grown ups blatantly invalidate kid's physical or emotional experiences.
"Oh honey, that was just a little scratch, it doesn't hurt!" *pat, pat* "Stop crying and run along and play now..."
or even, a more seemingly compassionate, "Shh, shh... You're ok ..." to comfort a child with a small ouchie.
When we use these tactics, even coming from a place of good intentions, we *are* asking the child to detach from their own experience of the situation, usually to help "smooth over" the situation, stop a scene, get them to stop crying, etc. Is it, in and of itself, horrible parenting? Of course not. But, I can see, as an adult, how I have to actively work at staying in touch with my authentic experience of something, and not "default" into "I'm ok!" mode. Because I'm *not* always ok. And I'm finally learning at my ripe old age that saying "I'm ok" when I'm not perpetuates some not-great habits and dynamics in my life. It doesn't take much to imagine that, combined with other elements, a profusion of this kind of parenting could lead to such severe personality dysfunction as Aldort describes. I'm too lazy to go get my copy, but I'd bet that she references other works in support of her statements. I'll try to come back to this thread after I check later tonight, and promise to eat my words if I'm wrong
Being connected to how this type of desensitization has played out in my life has encouraged me to be more mindful of cultivating inner-awareness *and* resiliency within my kids. So, I try to validate their experience *and* work towards a solution-focused dialog. Does it take longer and require more energy and patience than just trying to convince them to ignore whatever it is? Abso-freaking-lutely! Am I always 100% successful? Hell no. Is it worth it, to me, to hold this intention. Yup. For sure.
Just my $.50 on the topic
All that aside, I like Naomi Aldort a lot, but I've never read a parenting book that I've meshed with 100%. I take what works for me and integrate it as feels right for my family ... and revise as needed.
The book was a little... long-winded for me to be honest
The concepts she brings up are great, but I think she goes overboard on examples and real life conversations with parents.
One thing the book triggered in me for a while was over analyzing. Also, sometimes validating child's feeling can be assumed by default and excepted by the child by default, if you know what I mean.
So, instead - " Oh, in this situation with such and such I think you must have felt X and Y and Z which made you do A and B and C...", sometimes a simple hug and a heartfelt "I know, hon" is more authentic IMO
It was not until my own DS told me so that I realized that my validations appeared somewhat artificial Or maybe it's just me who went "overboard".
I liked the "Unconditional Parenting" (Alfie Kohn) better.
__________________
Irina,
Mom to Matt 08/87 Valerie 07/00
The book was a little... long-winded for me to be honest
The concepts she brings up are great, but I think she goes overboard on examples and real life conversations with parents.
One thing the book triggered in me for a while was over analyzing. Also, sometimes validating child's feeling can be assumed by default and excepted by the child by default, if you know what I mean.
So, instead - " Oh, in this situation with such and such I think you must have felt X and Y and Z which made you do A and B and C...", sometimes a simple hug and a heartfelt "I know, hon" is more authentic IMO
It was not until my own DS told me so that I realized that my validations appeared somewhat artificial Or maybe it's just me who went "overboard".
I liked the "Unconditional Parenting" (Alfie Kohn) better.
You said it so much better than I could. I get what she's saying, but really, it seems like a really "fake" way to interact with your kids. I want to come across as a "mother", not a psychologist.
I hear that you were exagerating ... but I agree with the quote you posted above. I don't know how many times I've heard well-meaning grown ups blatantly invalidate kid's physical or emotional experiences.
"Oh honey, that was just a little scratch, it doesn't hurt!" *pat, pat* "Stop crying and run along and play now..."
or even, a more seemingly compassionate, "Shh, shh... You're ok ..." to comfort a child with a small ouchie.
When we use these tactics, even coming from a place of good intentions, we *are* asking the child to detach from their own experience of the situation, usually to help "smooth over" the situation, stop a scene, get them to stop crying, etc. Is it, in and of itself, horrible parenting? Of course not. But, I can see, as an adult, how I have to actively work at staying in touch with my authentic experience of something, and not "default" into "I'm ok!" mode. Because I'm *not* always ok. And I'm finally learning at my ripe old age that saying "I'm ok" when I'm not perpetuates some not-great habits and dynamics in my life. It doesn't take much to imagine that, combined with other elements, a profusion of this kind of parenting could lead to such severe personality dysfunction as Aldort describes. I'm too lazy to go get my copy, but I'd bet that she references other works in support of her statements. I'll try to come back to this thread after I check later tonight, and promise to eat my words if I'm wrong
Being connected to how this type of desensitization has played out in my life has encouraged me to be more mindful of cultivating inner-awareness *and* resiliency within my kids. So, I try to validate their experience *and* work towards a solution-focused dialog. Does it take longer and require more energy and patience than just trying to convince them to ignore whatever it is? Abso-freaking-lutely! Am I always 100% successful? Hell no. Is it worth it, to me, to hold this intention. Yup. For sure.
Just my $.50 on the topic
All that aside, I like Naomi Aldort a lot, but I've never read a parenting book that I've meshed with 100%. I take what works for me and integrate it as feels right for my family ... and revise as needed.
Ok, let me add some clarification about the quote I included. I agree that it's not good to invalidate kid's feelings. Definitely children need to feel that it's ok to be upset, or sad, or whatever. And we need to recognize when they are feeling that way that it's ok. I just don't think that it will necessarily lead to all these other personality problems when they are older.
And I do like a lot of what she says. You just have to take things with a grain of salt.
Jody
) for more along those lines. I'd love to discuss the book more as we read it!
Or maybe it's just me who went "overboard".
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