Gentle guidanceThis board is not a debate board regarding spanking vs. non spanking. While we strongly believe that children need and thrive with guidance, we also believe that hitting is not the answer. If you have come here to discuss spanking and your reasons, please desist.
Josh was eating a sandwich on a skewer today, all 3 kids are sitting on the couch. Camden won't leave Bella alone, she is right in her face and pushing her feet and messing with her and I keep telling her to stop and she doesn't. So before I can get up to make camden leave bella alone, Josh gets up to defend Bella by poking camden with his skewer. I tell him it is not ok, I tell him he needs to say sorry, I tell him he needs to love his sister. Then I thought to the thread about making them hold hands sitting on the couch. So I try that. And Josh refuses. Will not hold her hand at all. So then what? Go sit in a corner. And he won't do that either. I said I was sorry mama. So? Does it make it ok just b/c you say sorry? josh is the kind of kid that will punch his sister and say sorry , then punch her again and say sorry and punch her again. he doesnt mean the sorry part. he just thinks saying sorry will get him out of a time out. So since he wont go to the corner, he can go to the naughty chair. Nope, wont do it. Fine, go to your room then, nope wont go. What now??!! At this point my blood is boiling and I am thinking, kid if you dont get your smart ass into your room I am going to revert to barbaric methods. There is zero respect for my authority there. How do I make him accept the punishment, the consequence for his actions? How could I have done this differently? I am not the gentlest of gentle parents but I am trying to do better. This was not a lack of attention thing either. I had just given him all kinds of attention when he got home from school. And lets not even talk about the choice phrases he brought home from school this week
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Kate~ mama to Joshua 8, Camden 6, and Annabelle 3
wife to B who has loved me since we were 8
Josh was eating a sandwich on a skewer today, all 3 kids are sitting on the couch. Camden won't leave Bella alone, she is right in her face and pushing her feet and messing with her and I keep telling her to stop and she doesn't.
Right there would be my intervention #1 “Camden, honey, is something bothering you? Come here tell me all about it.”
Quote:
So before I can get up to make camden leave bella alone, Josh gets up to defend Bella by poking camden with his skewer. I tell him it is not ok, I tell him he needs to say sorry, I tell him he needs to love his sister.
Now, telling somebody to love somebody is probably not going to help. My intervention #2 would be “ Wow, Josh, I see you are disturbed. Me too! Come help me figure out how we should solve this situation!” (with urgency in my voice). If necessary, while putting my hand as a barrier between the skewer and Camden
When everything back to calm, I’d call a family meeting (no distractions like TV and such) were I would ask every child to explain what happened AND urge others not to interrupt (setting example myself and only asking prompting questions). Chances are some of the reasons will come “out”, some will be “I don’t know”. Which is fine. Then I would urge everybody’s input to how to handle such situations in the future.
“Camden, what do you think *you* will do next time?” (Not *should have done*, that puts people into defensive mode)
Write the response on the white board or on a piece of paper.
“Josh, what about you?” And write it down as well.
When similar situation arises next time you will have a “written course of actions” (developed by kids themselves!) to follow
Of course it’s easier said than done, but the point is (as in many situations in life) to get to the core of it. Why did it happen and what can be done about it.
Not only will kids figure out what can be done in such situation, but will start learning an invaluable skill of problem solving
Good luck mama!
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Irina,
Mom to Matt 08/87 Valerie 07/00
I think you need to pick one choice of discipline (time out corner, time out chair, time out in room) and stick with that. You told him to sit in the corner, and he said no, and so you tried to make his punishment different to appease him, which makes him think that punishment should be what he wants it to be. He probably thinks you'll keep coming up with options until you find one he likes. And that kinda goes against the point of discipline.
I would have done the supernanny thing and directed him to the corner. If he didn't go, I would have picked him up and placed him there (getting down to his eye level and telling him once why he is in the corner) If he kept coming out of the corner, I would have continued to quietly, without speaking, pick him back up and place him back in the corner until he had sat there for the amount of time he is supposed to (typical is 1 minute per year of age). Then I would have followed up after his time was up, with explaining why he was in the corner (or you can ask him to tell you why he's there) and why his behavior wasn't appropriate.
I think you need to pick one choice of discipline (time out corner, time out chair, time out in room) and stick with that. You told him to sit in the corner, and he said no, and so you tried to make his punishment different to appease him, which makes him think that punishment should be what he wants it to be. He probably thinks you'll keep coming up with options until you find one he likes. And that kinda goes against the point of discipline.
I would have done the supernanny thing and directed him to the corner. If he didn't go, I would have picked him up and placed him there (getting down to his eye level and telling him once why he is in the corner) If he kept coming out of the corner, I would have continued to quietly, without speaking, pick him back up and place him back in the corner until he had sat there for the amount of time he is supposed to (typical is 1 minute per year of age). Then I would have followed up after his time was up, with explaining why he was in the corner (or you can ask him to tell you why he's there) and why his behavior wasn't appropriate.
this what we do. they don't come out of the corner until they are ready to talk about it....
I agree with the above posters. I would not have given a choice of time out chair, corner, or going to room. We have a corner that they are directed to sit in. If they tell me no that is misbehaving and I give them the option of walking to it or me helping them to the corner. Giving them the choice of where to spend there time will not work w my kids they would just think it was a game and not take the punishment seriously. Stand your ground mama you are the adult and the one setting the rules.
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Kelly Proud mommy and wife.
9-13-97
michael 1-95
samantha 10-99
nicholas 10-00
sunset in cancun (2006)
Location: somewhere between complete exhaustion and utter euphoria
Posts: 5,883
Quote:
Originally Posted by irinam
Right there would be my intervention #1 “Camden, honey, is something bothering you? Come here tell me all about it.”
Now, telling somebody to love somebody is probably not going to help. My intervention #2 would be “ Wow, Josh, I see you are disturbed. Me too! Come help me figure out how we should solve this situation!” (with urgency in my voice). If necessary, while putting my hand as a barrier between the skewer and Camden
When everything back to calm, I’d call a family meeting (no distractions like TV and such) were I would ask every child to explain what happened AND urge others not to interrupt (setting example myself and only asking prompting questions). Chances are some of the reasons will come “out”, some will be “I don’t know”. Which is fine. Then I would urge everybody’s input to how to handle such situations in the future.
“Camden, what do you think *you* will do next time?” (Not *should have done*, that puts people into defensive mode)
Write the response on the white board or on a piece of paper.
“Josh, what about you?” And write it down as well.
When similar situation arises next time you will have a “written course of actions” (developed by kids themselves!) to follow
Of course it’s easier said than done, but the point is (as in many situations in life) to get to the core of it. Why did it happen and what can be done about it.
Not only will kids figure out what can be done in such situation, but will start learning an invaluable skill of problem solving
Good luck mama!
clapping
Get Unconditional Parenting. Best parenting book, period!
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Michelle
-- Mom to Beth, 11 and Sam, 8
I have "made" him stay in the corner before and that seems like he thinks it is a game. Lets see if I can make mama hold me into the corner. If I get out she chases me, so I'll get out. I would have to litterally sit on him to make him stay there. I like your ideas Irina. You seem like such a gentle parent. I need to rethink somethings but obviously what I am doing is not working.
I was such an attached mama. They breasfed, cloth diapered, co slept, were worn in the sling. I read to them alot. I encourage creativity. And he is such a terror somedays. He is not a gentle kid. He is mouthy and destructive and ugly to Camden. he has no respect for anyones authority, save his teacher at school. He does whatever it is he feels like doing. But then other days he is a gem. Is this a phase? What did I do wrong?
As another mother of littles that are close together - I can commiserate with you - it is really really hard to keep that gentle mindset on all the time when there are two or more so close in age and maturity. Mine are 4m - no problem , 2, 4, and 6. So I feel where you are coming from
I have "made" him stay in the corner before and that seems like he thinks it is a game. Lets see if I can make mama hold me into the corner. If I get out she chases me, so I'll get out. I would have to litterally sit on him to make him stay there.
Don't hold him in the corner, just keep putting him back there. He doesn't stay because he doesn't think you're serious about it. He puts up a fuss, tests you, and leaves the corner, and you are so tired that you give up and let him get away with not having the x amount of minutes you expected him to have in the corner. He realizes that all he has to do is put up a fuss and tire you out to get his way and get out of any discipline. Since you've given up on making him stay there before, the first time you attempt it may take hours of putting him back over and over again (he will test you repeatedly because he thinks you'll give up like you have done before; just be more persistant than he is and show him you mean what you say). If you are persistant and show him that when you put him in the corner for his discipline, you expect him to stay there and that you won't back down until he does what you requested (without any kind of physical punishment or yelling), he will realize that this is how it will be every time. He will go back and back to the corner (with no interaction from mama other than her picking him up and placing him there) and he won't get to do anything else until he finishes his time out. After a bit he'll sit there without getting out at all until his time is up. I've seen it work with some really testy kids before. It just takes persistance and patience on the part of the parent.
Well I actually think that it was kinda sweet that he was defending his sister. I probably would have just made him give me the skewer, told him tht since he didn't know what we used them for, then maybe we needed to put thaem away for awhile, and moved on. I would have him apologize, but I would have also had Camden apologize to Bella. Its all about teaching them how to respect each other, and he was just helping to defend his sister--- IMO that isn't a bad thing!!!
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Heather , mama to Liam, born 12-19-01, and Simon, born 04-17-05 wife to Mark, married 09-23-97
clapping
and Sam, 8 
, 2, 4, and 6. So I feel where you are coming from 
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