Gentle guidanceThis board is not a debate board regarding spanking vs. non spanking. While we strongly believe that children need and thrive with guidance, we also believe that hitting is not the answer. If you have come here to discuss spanking and your reasons, please desist.
Mamax4 and others, please talk about parenting older children
Laurie, I'm singling you out because you talked about your friend who didn't transition well to having older children.
What's some good advice? How does one make this transition? Any tips?
I feel at a crossroads of sorts with my 9 yr old. Clearly, he is still young and needs a lot of parenting. However, he does have different needs than his younger siblings (at 6, 4, and 7 mths). I can perceive a "shift" in our relationship and his need for relationships with friends. It is hard for me to give up that place in his life. How do we balance?
What's your best advice for remaining a solid and loving presence in their lives without infringing on their personal business?
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I never answer these questions because there is so much going on in our household-obviously with my posts this week as well, I feel so imcompetant to give good advice. But your post is not ignored.
I do want you to know I understand how difficult it is to let them go a bit. Their changes as they approach leaving the nest, even if 10 years away, is so difficult for mama's.
I'm going through the same sort of thing w/my 11 yo. It's a difficult transition, especially if you also have littles to deal with at the same time, kwim?
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Rachel
Wife to Bryant
Mom to Jacob 12-25-95 and Owen 12-13-02
Location: land of frigid winters and sweltering summers
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Yeah, I see this coming for us. Our almost 9 year old has started the "not in public mom... jeez" thing with hugs and kisses, lol. Even just a quick hug is met with resistance, and he walked a good 5 feet ahead of us on the sidewalk on the way to the elementary school carnival last week This too has been on my mind...
__________________ Nelle~Mama to Si (10), Lillian (6), and Grace (3)
the kids and I on the observation deck overlooking Lake Michigan... we're about to go get our feet wet
While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt
I was so lost for awhile there that I started seeing a behaviorist to help me with my daughter (age 10). Not that she's bad, but she can be disrespectful sometimes and I didn't know how to stop the behavior. What it comes down to is that I have not been consistent enough, nor have I given her very clear boundaries throughout her life (I thought I was though). So I've improved with that and it has gotten a lot better. That was our issue though, other people might have different ones.
Like Kristena said - every kid/family is different.
Sometimes you gotta play it by ear, no "plan" would fit just right.
What I found to be the most important is to keep communications open. No matter how embarrased they are to be seeing in your company (BTDT), no matter that they start avoiding your hugs and word forbid kisses...
Respect and communication. And communication goes both ways. We want kids to come to us with their worries, but I found that yes, at the age of 10 and on, I can express *my* worries (within reason, of coure), share *my* views, involve them in "grown up" stuff. It's a great age to teach many things that were not age appropriate before - like finances, investing, different philosophies
What I find useful (actually for any age) is to "get them on my team". Not to form me vs. them dynamic, which at that age they would be more than able to pick up on and challenge and which seems to start forming right around that age.
You'll do just fine mama. You are way ahead by recognizing the changes and starting to address them.
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Irina,
Mom to Matt 08/87 Valerie 07/00
For me, the discovery about physiological changes taking place in my son's brain changed my parenting style completely. Understanding that his brain was going through real measured growth and it wasn't 'boys being boys' was profound for me.
My discovery of this came at a time when forrest was doing stupid stuff. Like trying to jump from a 6 foot snow bank into the snow-filled truckbed of a moving pick up....yeah. I know. I saw him glaze over and KNEW he was going to jump when dh was plowing the driveway. I yelled just.in.time. and snapped him back.
I mention this story only because it clearly shows how my conservative young boy had turned into a careless young man. Had I not known that he was in beginning stages of reasoning and consequence, I probably would have over-reacted. over-parented.
As it was, later, we sat down and used the incident to open a dialogue about what he will going through for the next several years, my role as his parent during this time and that while it's very possible that he'll make mistakes, I will be there to guide him through it. That I'm not going to hover, but I do take my job very seriously and I *will* be there. Part of my job is helping him discover his tools to make good choices.
Because I'm telling you....all that rational stuff they had when they were younger somehow empties out of their heads and it's a start from zero again. I spent a great deal of time thinking "wth?!! He knows better than this."
Other things.....
I'm pretty candid with forrest. If I'm pissed...I just say it. I tell him we'll talk about whatever needs to be talked about later, when I'm reasonable. And I respect this boundary for him too. If he's bent, fine, go cool off in your room but we will discuss it later. Forcing compliance while a battle is heated turns out badly for everyone. With young men especially, a knee jerk reaction for off-venting can be something physical. I'm just never going to travel that road. Everything can wait. Resolution doesn't ever have to come right this second.
I'm open to changing my mind about issues but I'm not going to be swayed by whining and moaning. If he wants something that I'm seemingly unwilling to budge on (like that puppy or going back to public school) he better come to me with an articulate argument. Not a blathering whine fest.
Forrest wanted to go back to public school. He whined and begged for a summer and a full semester before he found the right words. Trust me, going to a high school with 1200+ kids because "he wants to find some new buddies" was NOT the right argument. "While I realize that academically I'm ready to take a couple classes at the community college. Socially, I'd like to grow up with my peers" are the right words and he was back in school the next quarter.
I pick my battles and I dig in on important things. My hand may be loose on most things, but I tighten it up on character and life lessons.
finally, I've been pretty up front with forrest that he's my oldest child, so I'm bound to make mistakes. I'm not above apologizing to my children and have had to eat crow more than I care to admit.
That's long, I know. I could go on and on (obviously) because it has been the coolest ride yet. It really has. Sometimes I sit in awe of it all.
Stay involved. Personal space is good and well....however, you need to be involved actively and fostering your one-on-one relationship with each of them as they grow into adults.
Be very open in discussions.
One thing that I did with my oldest (now 17) is to go out alone with him. Just the two of us. This helped keep our bond strong as he moved into teenage years and kept the lines of communication open. He still tells me everything and I think this is because of the time spent with him during those years right before and through teenage.
One other thing we have done is to be very open about our discussions re: sex, relationships, puberty, pressures etc.... Having started to be open early on about these topics has ended up really being a blessing. The one-on-one time and the open relationship is important.
However, you do need to know what they are doing and when and with whom. This is not an invasion of privacy.....it is parenting a teenager.
We've had zero troubles other than the regular and expected mood swings and some language.
Other than our 17 year old son, we also have a 14 year old daughter, a son who is nearly 13, a daughter who just turned 12, and a 8 year ols son.
I have found that parenting is more involved and intense into the teenage years. However, I LOVE my teens and we are reaping what we have sown in those years leading up to this time.
(I know you did not ask me....but I'm one of the "older" moms here so I answered) *lol*
Michelle
__________________ "If it (salvation) is based solely on following rules, then it isn't grace via faith in Jesus Christ"
Have something in your own life that takes you beyond "mom". Not only does your child move into their own space and interests as they get older...but seeing that you have a life beyond being "mom" is really healthy.
Again, I can't stress more that you be open, open, open (starting now) about sex and relationships. (and pressures relating to not only that, but drinking) I have noticed over the years that our family/friends who are not willing to discuss openly with their children in these areas are more often the ones who find themselves grandparents at a very young age or have a child who gets into trouble with underage drinking. I honestly have seen this many many times. If your child can't come to you.....well, think of where they are going to go to get their information and education in these areas?
Ok...enough. *lol* This is close to my mind lately because our nephew (on husbands side) got a 14 year old girl pregnant and this is a 3rd generation "problem" in my husbands side of the family....and they have never been open to talking and educating their children about these things. I've also seen this happen with many families not related to us over the years. When it is a "taboo" topic to even talk about, well.....that does not stop it from happening, KWIM?
Come see our Hyena Cart 
This too has been on my mind...
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