amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

copmom · 03-04-2007, 01:53 PM

We are having issues with our 7 yr old dd choosing to lie rather than tell the truth about things, both large and small things.
Lying really pushes dh's buttons - we have to deal with it at work altogether too much, from the people we encounter, to the administration, etc.
Running laps doesn't work, losing priviledges doesn't work, today I tried having her write me an essay about it, but that doesn't seem to be sinking in either.
Any BTDT things that work would be greatly appreciated.

mom2boys · 03-04-2007, 03:04 PM

My 10 yo ds does that too ! I'll be watching the replies here !

glockchick · 03-04-2007, 03:24 PM

Honestly, I don't know of anything that will.

Coming at it from the other perspective...

I lied constantly as a child. Even when I didn't need to. I don't know why I did it, I just did. Nothing my parents did to punish me ever worked.

I grew out of it and now it's very important for me to tell the truth and have the truth told to me. We punish our kids for lying, but I don't really know that it helps prevent it.

TulaneMama · 03-04-2007, 04:09 PM

subbing!

Ds lies to and will be 8 in August. We punish him when he lies and we find out, and sometimes he ends up tellingus he lied. We tell him that he will always be punished greater for lying than telling the truth. especially when it is little stuff that really isn't important, yk?

Robin · 03-04-2007, 04:40 PM

Well we tell our boys they will get in more trouble for lying than for whatever they did in the first place. Depending on what the situation is if they are truthful then usually I try to talk with them about what happened with no punishment/discipline. If they lie, then there is a definite consequence.

For us lying is breaking our trust and we let the boys know that if they lie about something then it is harder for us to believe them in other things. Our oldest is pretty sensitive. There have been times he has lied but it doesn't happen very often. Ds2 on the other hand...

I remember reading about one mom who didn't punish her children if they told the truth about something but they were punished if they lied. It was Sussannah Wesley and her kids turned out ok.

shana1 · 03-04-2007, 04:48 PM

lying is just the worst for me, i hate being lied to, my kids lie about some of the stupidest things and i do the whole, not punish etc thing if they tell the truth and ya know what they still lie, why i dont know but i have noticed that it gets less at they get older, my eldest was the worst about it but i dont have barely any problem with it now, i dont have any answers i deal with it and hope to goodness that they stop at some point.

I was a huge liar as a young child and eventually outgrew it too, nothing my parents did stopped me and i cant tell you why i did it. And now i am the most truthful person I know, i refuse to lie even to tellemarkers,lol, ive learned to give the phone to my husband so he can deal with it, because i am also the type that wont just hang up so im pretty much doomed to listen to the whole speal.

ThirtySomething · 03-05-2007, 09:58 AM

I think it depends on what they lie about.
One of the best ways to eliminate lying is to call them out on it instead of punishing, depending on the situation. Also, if you back a kid into a corner, you place them in a position to lie.

Here are some examples:

Mom: Did you eat all the cookies? (you know that she did but you asked anyway)
Kid: (feeling cornered) - Uh...no. I don't know who did.

INSTEAD:

Mom: All the cookies are gone! I made these for the whole family. Next time, you may have 3. If you want more, just ask. No need to be sneaky.

This next example is a prime example of a situation that encourages lying:

example:

Mom hears the kids fighting in the next room and the younger one starts crying. Mom goes to find out what happened.

Mom: What happened?
Kids: (the youngest is crying and the oldest is sitting there.)
Mom (to the oldest in an admonishing tone) - Did you HIT her?!?
Oldest: No (even though she did).
Mom: You did hit her! You lied to me. Go to your room. Lying is absolutely not ok.

Kids in these situations feel very trapped. It is very age appropriate for them to lie, so working on how we phrase our questions and gauge our response is very important. Lying is cummulative and builds on itself. Even though a kiddo knows it is wrong, the lies can snowball especially when punishments are involved. They lie to avoid the punishment even though it just makes things worse. They aren't always logical

beings.

Sandi · 03-05-2007, 10:06 AM

My oldest lies like a rug. Nothing helps. We just talk it out over and over again, "When you lie, we can't trust you, then when it's important that we trust you - we aren't able to." Boy who cried wolf and all that.

We also praise, praise, praise for telling the truth - "Remember, if you tell the truth we'll talk about it, if you lie your punishment will be so much worse" then "Thank you so much for telling me the truth - how should we handle this situation? What is an appropriate thing to do?" (And then they have to apologize, SINCERELY - this is a big one for me - and make up for whatever happened somehow - ie. hugging their sister, etc.)

MotherMoon · 03-05-2007, 11:45 AM

It is my feeling that lying often stems from fearing the consequences or punishment of telling the truth. We never punish for lying. We do let them know we know they are lying and how we feel bout lying. We discuss how lying makes you look/how others perceive you. We discuss how important it is to be a truthful person, that lying people fail in this world. It has worked for us. I also use subtle ways to make them more accountable for a while to make sure I am not missing more lies. They never realize it.

Daniel's Mama · 03-05-2007, 12:26 PM

My almost 8-year old lies occasionally.

I like what Stacy said about setting them up to tell the truth instead of backing them into a corner, setting them up to lie. If only I can do that...

mammakat · 03-06-2007, 03:01 AM

Mine will push the cat right in front of me and then say he didn't do it

Not for attention either. Just because the cat annoyed him.

Conclusion is, I don't know and I wish I did. Lying makes me crazy. My father is a pathological liar, and my mother has very different versions of the truth than the actual truth, so I have no tolerance when I see it in my son.

copmom · 03-06-2007, 10:34 AM

Thanks everyone! Sounds like all the suggestions are things we have been trying already.

SmartyMama · 03-06-2007, 11:40 AM

I try not to give them a chance to lie. If I know what they did I will say "Why did you do xyz?". Once I started doing that it eliminated most of the lying. Now sneakiness is another problem all together...