amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

Linda · 08-07-2006, 06:45 PM

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This has been going on for a while, but it has only come to light recently. One day after school about a month ago, Leah get really mad at me when I asked her to put away her toys. She hit me really hard(very unusual) and screamed at me 'I hate you". I hugged her(she let me) and asked her what was wrong and she said"Well, Haley was being mean to me, so now I am being mean to you" I was so stunned. I have had this other little girl over to our house, and Leah plays with her every day at school.

It seems that this girl hits or kicks Leah almost every day. She is also bossy and manipulative and very very cunning. She will watch the adults in the classroom waiting for her opportunity to do something that she knows she should not, like hit. SHe tells Leah not to eat her snack, not to play outside, and justifies it all with "I'm your best friend" Now, I have pieced this all together by casually talking to dd over time and getting her to tell me about how Haley plays with her.

When I realised what was going on, there was a 2 week break, and then we all had the flu the week back to school.

Thi week, I asked parents I know how are very involved in the school past and present if they *knew* Haley. That is all I asked. They each repsonded with, she hits, kicks, is sneaky, and mean and I have told her off for hitting others and most especially your daughter.

I talked to one of the teachers about her, and her only solution was to 'encourage' the girls to play with other kids. Honestly, I don't think that this is enough. Haley's grip on Leah is very strong. I have told Leah is another child is hurting her, it is NOT acceptable and she should walk away. IF said child does not knock it off, or if Leah is afraid to say something to the child, then she should go to a teacher and ask for HELP. WHen Leah did this, she said that Haley punched her in the chest. The teacher told me that Leah came to her a bit more about Haley recently, but then I *know* that Haley just sucks Leah back in to play with her. I also know that the other kids really like Leah, she is so sweet and fun to play with, but I am pretty sure they are not playing with her because Haley is so dominating in Leah's day.

This is my plan;
To go to school every day with Leah and spend the first hour there. Play with Leah and also invite other kids to play with us together. Try to foster other relationships with other kids for Leah. Tell Haley if she wants to play, that she may not, because she hurts Leah and it is not OK to do that. Then dh will visit for a few minutes the next hour, then we pick her up an hour later.
I am hoping that I can help Leah make better decisions and encourage other friendships. I hope that our presence reassures Leah that we are ther for her and gives her the courage she needs to protect herself form others. I hoping to break the cycle of the two girls playing together.

Does this sound good? Can I do more? I mean telling the girls not to play together has not worked. There are like 40 kids in a classroom with 3 teachers(more on some days). They cannot keep track. I will not tolerate this for Leah. And what kind of kid is HAley going to be if she is allowed to continue this way. SHould I talk to her mother?

Leah has started taking breaks from school happily. I think she is glad to have the break from this other girl, because Leah loves school more than anything.

I am so upset by all this. IT cannot continue. IT will just teach dd to be submissive and it is OK for others to hurt you if they say they are your friend...
So WWYD?

Megmama · 08-07-2006, 07:41 PM

I don't know if it's feasible, but can you switch schools? That sounds like such an icky situation for her

for you and for Leah

mamagael · 08-10-2006, 09:07 AM

Hi, My dd has had problems with some girls at her school, and it broke my heart!! She really wanted to be friends w/ them and they treated her like crap. She would be so happy if they were nice to her for one day then right back to being mean. I just really talked to her about what friends are and how good friends act. I just had to tell her it's not ok for anyone to be mean, and I would talk to her about the other girls in her class. We would make a plan before she went to school, who she would ask to play, who she would sit by, and sit by at lunch. I would also pack a bag with her with books and coloring and small toys for her to play with by herself (and love notes from mommy). It's really hard for kids, to realize that it's better to play alone than with girls that can turn mean just like that. It really helped her confidence to have a plan and some ideas for what she could do. She still had some problems, but she made some different friends too. Luckily one girl moved away,but I called the school and said please do not put my daughter in the class with the other girl but she wasn't anyway. Maybe there is another class at the same school that she could be in, even if it's a different age group. Also I made sure that Grace got to play with a lot of non-school friends to build up her confidence, and help me talk about what a good friend is like. Your poor baby!! I don't know why little girls are so mean!! Maybe it's too much tv...

MamaNurse · 09-13-2006, 03:29 PM

How's this going, Linda? Nak.

This is really sad. I would be very upset. very. :-(

Linda · 09-13-2006, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaNurse

How's this going, Linda? Nak.

This is really sad. I would be very upset. very. :-(

Awww.thanks for asking!

It is going well. My many school visits went really well and I was able to help guide both my daughter and the other girl to make much better choices. The other girl is not hitting anymore at all. DD is also playing with other kids more. I haven't been back in a week, but yesterday, dd (voluntarily, I didn't ask) told me about an incident that makes me realize I need to be there a couple days a week(sob). There is a new little girl there (Rachel) who has been playing with Leah and Haley(the girl whose behaviour I do not like) They have been playing together beautifully all week. I know this from the teachers, Rachels mom and dh. YEsterday Haley said to Rachael "I don't want to be your friend anymore."..and would not play with her...grrrr......Leah said she did not know "what words to say to Haley" and she played with Haley, not Rachel.

I told her to say "I like you Rachel, I want to play with you...and Haley can too if she wants too." Then to go and play with Rachel. But that is too much for a little kid. It just goes to show that I need to be there a couple of days a week. Haley likes the extra attention from the adults, so her behaviour is better...and Leah has me there to stand up for what she knows is right...so it is easy for her to do what she really wants to in her heart. She told me she wanted to play with Rachel, but didn't know how to say that to Healy. When I asked her what she could say to Haley she said to me "Haley, I like Rachel, can I go play with her?" I type out this monstrosity, because it is interesting to me how the dynamics work.
I was really pleased with myself that I was able to just gently guide Haley's behaviour to make better decisions and she did. IT took little effort on my part, but made such a huge difference.

Another problemmatic factor in all of this is that the kids go off to primary school on their 5th birthday. The day of their 5th birthday. So, that means all our friends are leaving all year...Leah and Haley are a couple of the last to go at the end of the school year. So, even though LEah has all these different friends, most of them have left, one by one. Three of her faves left this last week. The teachers were saying to me.."well, Leah needs to make different friends" Um, can't you see she has????but they LEAVE!

So there you have it. I can't make it to her school today for a long period of time, but I can tomorrow.

Oh..give that baby Fionn a cuddle for me

tash · 09-17-2006, 12:39 PM

thats good that you can be there to help. when I was in kindergarden there was a girl who said she was my friend but she would do indian burns to me EVERY DAY my arm hurt so bad. and she did them wrong half the time (not that the 'right' way is good but) so she would turn the muscle. it was horrible. but I was afraid of the teacher so I didnt tell her (she was eventually moved to a higher grade). and I dont think parents were allowed to be there, either that or my parents just had other things to do.

anyway its good that you are helping her with her friend. did you ever talk to the other girls mom? if so what happend there? some people can be offended if you say something bad about thier kid even if its true.