amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

amy373 · 01-31-2005, 08:59 PM

We gave birth on Wednesday via c-section. Our two-and-a-half year old spent three days with my parents as we recovered in hospital.

She seemed to be okay and had a good time with them although she had never been away from us longer than 6 hours before.

We came home Saturday and we were all reunited. She was very excited about her sister and happy to see Mommy and Daddy again.

She is having trouble keeping her hands to herself--she's very enthusiastic about touching her sister roughly. We've been very good about praising positive behavior and trying to give her all the attention she needs.

Today has been terrible. She's completely beligerant when it comes down to taking direction regarding the baby, i.e: "I like when you touch the baby softly." or "We leave the baby alone when she's sleeping." She's been grabbing at the baby, talking loudly, and trying to wake her up at every turn.

She refuses to eat anything remotely healthy and screams and cries even at the slightest thing (her father turned on the light in the family room at dusk and she had a total meltdown.)

DH and I have been passing the baby between us trying to give Veronica as much attention as possible but it's impossible to comfort her. DH has to hold her (she wants me to carry her but I can't because of the c-section.)

Veronica never acts this way--throwing her head back, screaming, making her body stiff and just acting so crazy. We know that we aren't the only ones who have ever experienced this but we're looking for direction.

Anything would be great. I'm terrified as to what is going to happen after my DH goes back to work in three weeks.
Thanks!

spiritfreedom · 01-31-2005, 09:01 PM

Aw that is a tough one. What about some mama snuggle time in bed? My dd was very into her snuggle time at that age. She might have been missing the skin to skin time with you while you were away. She's probably aware in her little brain somewhere that it will never be *quite* the same now. ((((Hugs))) to you.

tarablesue · 01-31-2005, 09:10 PM

Amy ,
Bailee was about Veronica's age when Makenna came and I remember being completely stressed out.
I know something that helped us a lot, it is a small thing too, was to make Bailee feel important when she needed something and make the baby wait. ie " Makenna you will have to wait for your diaper change because Bailee needs a drink of water"( yes I was telling this to a 2 week old..lol) I then would lay Makenna down ( yes she would cry ) but Bailee didn't feel like she was the only one who had to wait for attention. When Makenna wanted to nurse, I d nurse her adn after she was done I d say things like "ok , it's Bailees turn now "
i also , took time when baby was sleeping to do things Bailee enjoyed , like puzzles and coloring and baking. It seemed to help.
Good luck , I hope things get easier ( I KNOW they will)
of course everyone situation is different, and this is what worked for us.

Rach · 01-31-2005, 09:30 PM

This isn't "helpful" per se, but it was the attitude that finally got us through the rest of DD's first year. We just realized BOTH kids lived with another child, and they just had to learn to deal with it. Yes, I did stuff to help DS adjust when it was possible, but I also said a 1,000 times, "When you were a baby, I had to do just this same thing to help you be safe/happy/comfortable/fed." And, when DS woke DD, which he did at least once a day until after she turned one, I would have to tell myself, "She lives with a toddler, and this is how toddlers act, and she will just have to adjust." I would tell DS if he was quiet, she might sleep longer, and we could..... whatever. I know it is HARD on our little big kids, but a baby has no coping skills whatsoever and NEEDS immediate attention as often as possible. That your DH will be with you for three weeks is a boon. What is happening now will be very different by the time he goes back to work. I was alone with DS and DD before she was a week old, and we managed. Some days were better than others, but it all worked out. There has been no left over grudge or anything, and the kids are great friends. I know, I know, everyone says that, but it IS true.

As for the rough handling, well, she's a toddler. It means next to nothing. And it obviously gets her attention she naturally craves. Heck, it's probably one of the first times she has really been able to get a rise out of you, yk? DS did not start screeching until DD was born. Coincidence? I do not think so.

And remember, right now you and the entire house are making a big shift. In three weeks, it will be done; the baby will be a fact in Veronica's life; things will be better, even if only a little bit.

Ocelot · 01-31-2005, 11:09 PM

Give her a little time. I remember thinking I had forever changed my sweet little boy into a monster by having a baby, it made me cry.

For us the hardest time was the first 2 weeks after all the company left and dh went back to work. Then as suddenly as he turned into a monster he was back to sweet boy again, well mostly anyway

For me I had to work VERY hard at not showing my frustration with his behavior.

She just has to adjust. It takes a little time.

Linda · 01-31-2005, 11:15 PM

Congratulations Amy

!!!

It was really rough for us too. I was so lame and did not even talk about mommy going to have baby at the hospital...I only talked about the home option.

I brought home a very colicky high needs baby which was /is so very challenging for all.

Give her time. Her whole world has been turned upside down. And yes, it was very rude for her first nights away from you to be rewarded with a baby...iykwim. You have not ruined her life, but it makes it harder. Yes...be very verbal to her...talk out loud about everything that you do...just as the above posters stated. Even if Veronica seems like she is ingnoring you-believe me-she hears every little word that you say. You will hear the positive stuff repeated back to you in the future and you will be shocked.

Veronica is no longer an only child. She will get used to it-k? It may be rough, but you sound like such concientous parents you will do really well. It may not seem like it at the time, though-lol!

Be kind to her, but also keep setting the limits. I had to resort to timeouts for my older dd for not being gentle with the baby. Just 2 minutes in a chair with a wind up timer....I followed Dr. Sears discipline book. Another thing I do if dd is rough with anyone is-I tell her that is not OK...and then for example if she has hit dh-I turn to dh and say"Are you OK? Can I give you a kiss? Did Leah hurt you?" And I pretty much pay no attention to dd. It takes the attention off of the offender-and puts all of the attention on the one who has been 'hurt' Helps break her cycle of trying to get negative attention. If you decide to do timeouts...and she resists them...there is info about that in the Discipline book...

My biggest word of advice...please do not ignore baby to pay extra attention to Veronica. I don't know how to explain this well...but the reality is that baby needs are high...andthat is OK.

Some time every day just you and Veronica would be great. Just snuggling in bed together or something like that. I didn't get to do enough of it cuz dd#2 is so colicky. The best I could do most days was read to Leah when I was nursing Aidra. That is a nice time for us.

2 books that we love are
"what Baby Needs" by Dr Sears a book to read to Veronica about what happens in a family when a new baby is integrating in...
"Julius the Baby of the World" by Menke-this is a really sweet book...about a baby invading a little girls life and how she can't stand hiim at first, but comes to love him so much. It is really great.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{AMY}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

emilytoys · 01-31-2005, 11:25 PM

but I just have to thank Linda for this:

Quote:

Another thing I do if dd is rough with anyone is-I tell her that is not OK...and then for example if she has hit dh-I turn to dh and say"Are you OK? Can I give you a kiss? Did Leah hurt you?" And I pretty much pay no attention to dd. It takes the attention off of the offender-and puts all of the attention on the one who has been 'hurt' Helps break her cycle of trying to get negative attention.

I need SOMETHING to curb the 2 year old hitting, not the baby, but my long-suffering 6 year old.

Interestingly, I have some of the same behavior issues do deal with as the OP, but in reverse -- 2 year old whomping an OLDER child (who is almost out of patience).

Linda · 01-31-2005, 11:31 PM

I was just thinking...something that is working really well right now is giving dd #1little jobs that are hers...keeps her busy out of trouble and makes her feel really important.
eg
-she gets the mail from the box
-i fill a pitcher for her to water the salad and herbs outside
-i show her which buttons to push and let her push them for things like VCR, DVD...phone...
-she answers the cordless phone when it rings
-she puts the silverware away from the dishwasher...
I have her sort diapers and wipes from the laundry basket-she loves that.
ummm-as she's gotton older a lot of these things she can do by herself, some need direction..etc...whatever works for your dd. now she'll even help me get diaper covers for the diaper change...
all is not bliss here-but it is better. Leah is just like me she would rather be an only child...

however, she hugs and kisses Aidra now and says "I love you Aidra" whe she is going to bed. Better than the looks of death she used to give her

and having regular play dates and outside exercise for her wil help...if there is a little friend who likes to visit-and that works for you-2 2 year olds are often easier than just your one.
Linda

Mama2miracles · 01-31-2005, 11:36 PM

It will get better - the first couples weeks will be the hardest. I understand about the C-section thing - btdt - twice. Very hard.
She will have to adjust - I have made a point though of meeting the babies needs first if at all possible. 2 year olds can understand that they need to wait (even though they won't LIKE it

) A newborn doesn't and can't understand that. I do talk to my older ones about what they were like as babies - how they used to cry and need to nurse a lot and need to be changed and all that and that *does* sink in after the first adjustment period passes.

So while - yes - sometimes a baby has had to fuss while I change on older kids diaper or take care of an owie - I wouldn't let a baby fuss to just play with an older child or get them something or for anything non-urgent. I think it's important to model the taking care of the baby for the older children. My kids can't stand hearing babies cry - if a baby starts crying in a different room then I am in - they come running calling for me to get the baby. I wouldn't EVER want to model for a 2 year old that it is o.k. to let a baby cry.

oh and the hitting - ugh - dealing with that here also. Maddy hit Megan, Melissa, MIchael (who hit her back), Maribeth AND a visiting friend's dd today. I don't have any great advice other than supervision, disussion about not hitting and consequences (loss of a toy if she used a toy to hit, time out, going to her room to cool off) - but she's still hitting.

With the baby though - don't ever let the baby be with the toddler out of your sight. Hard to do - I know. Michael hurt the babies when they were tiny a lot just being rough (but not maliciously) and Maddy hurt them because she wasn't happy having them there. So lots of supervision in the beginning - I remember taking babies to the bathroom with me (I kept bouncy seats in there) so that they wouldn't be left unattended with toddlers.

oh and I wouldn't fight a food battle with her right now at all. My kids ate less than healthy the first month or two the babies were home.Lots of french frys and chicken nuggets and juice. Maddy even went back to milk in bottles. Not ideal - but their lives just got turned upside-down - food was one area of trying to get some control back. Just give her some space to adjust. Melissa - my oldest - was 2 when my 3rd was born and now at 5 years - doesn't even REMEMBER life without Maddy (or Michael either - she was 14 months when he was born).

Linda · 01-31-2005, 11:45 PM

one last thing-lol!!!!!!(I have a very fussy baby...therefore I have this disjointed insane stream of conciousness posting..worse than normal)

One thing that is cathartic for Leah in our family is she likes to be tickled. And she can tell us when we need to stop. Good adrenaline rush for her-and us

ALso-a pillow fight-where she can womp us with her sized pillow is so good for her. She really likes being able to do that. It is fun..it is something that worked for us...We did it one day that was really bad in our house. It was like her payback...and she felt so much better afterwards.

Good luck-it does get easier. Just not as fast as you would like

tarablesue · 01-31-2005, 11:47 PM

I hope I didn't sound like I ignored Makenna or let her CIO , in my post. I certainly did'nt & never have. I wanted to clairify that