amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

norasmama · 05-30-2004, 12:09 PM

I have a lovely inquisitive, exuberant 2-year-old. She is fun to be around. However, I can NOT go shopping with her without wanting to rip out my hair. I try to do all the shopping when dh is home from work, but he works stupid hours, and I end up failing to buy a lot of things I need, because the store is closed before he gets home. So I need some BTDT advice on how to survive shopping with a child who refuses to sit in the cart, and is constantly running off, or insisting that we go *her* way, when I need to go down the next aisle.

I see other people with their toddlers riding happily in the cart, and I feel like I have failed in raising my dd so that she would do the same. All my local AP friends tell me how they explain their expectations to their toddlers before they go in the store, and it helps. The child behaves. I have tried that numerous times, but it has failed.

I have tried putting her in the cart anyway, but the screaming is disruptive, and then she tries to climb out of the cart. (I know the screaming is not something I should ggive in to, and I am not parenting so that others think I am a good parent, i.e. have a quiet child, but I still hate being the parent of the scream to be heard throughout Target) I always manage to forget half the stuff I needed, and have to make multiple return trips.

So how do you do it? I have to make several stops today, and I have a lump in my throat already just thinking about it. I just don't hav the energy to deal with shopping with her, but I absolutely need to learn how. I am at my wits' end. HELP!?

And Babies · 05-30-2004, 12:22 PM

I am not sure I have much advice for you, but I totally sympathise! The other day when we went to the library dd (5) and ds (21M) were running around being noisy. I got dd to calm down since she is old enough to understand, but ds would not stop pulling books off the shelves, pushing his sister. Drove me crazy!

But, usually when we go to the store ds will sit in the cart. Does your grocery store have those carts that have cars on the front. The kids love those! Also, at Target we will sometimes get the kids popcorn, and that keeps them quiet and busy. Not sure what else you can do.

I really do feel for you, as ds is very active and quite persistent, which can be very frustrating.

Hopefully some of the other wise mamas have some ideas for you!

milk42 · 05-30-2004, 01:00 PM

Kids are so wonderful, I love them!! DD2 is a lot of laughs, but she sure can run!! She likes to play hide and go seek in the store! Wanna see me freak out? She has gotten better, she is 28 months old. It just took her time to figure it all out. And I start out the trip, looking at toys, then go do some shopping, and when she gets restless, go back to the toys. It is a PITA, but it works well. Also, if I am going to buy them something, I will let them carry it around with them. Patience is a virtue.

Maybe get a stopwatch, and for 10 minutes she follows you, then when the alarm goes off you follow her for 2 minutes, over and over....

Here is a story of how not to handle it. About a year ago, I was at the store here, and could hear a woman SCREAMING at someone. (My kids were being angles this day.) As we got closer and the yelling got louder, I saw that the girl being yelled at was a small child, between 4-6 years old. It really made me sad, and people had stopped shopping and were all watching. I walked up to her and said in a sympathic voice, how old is she? The woman said sweetly, she is five. I said well, she is only five, lighten up, give her a break. I had never stopped walking and the woman yelled at me, no, she is 5 years old, she knows how to behave. I calmly said "Just give her a break." She then started verbally attacking me, and I didn't mind, cuz she laid off her child. She went on and on about me mindind my own business, and all that, and after she said her child knew how to act in public I said "Do you know how to act in public??" We then finished our shopping and calmly left the store. 3 different women came up to me to tell me they were glad I stepped in because the lady was completely outta line. Well, yeah, why didn't you guys step in?? To be honest, this was about a month after the guys left for Iraq, and it was probably a mom having a bad day with no one waiting at home to cry to. That isn't a good enough excuse to me. Anyway!

If all else fails, just give her a break.

freedomlover · 05-30-2004, 01:13 PM

Explain in simple terms that you need her to sit in the cart and she must stay there quietly. Tell her you will stop shopping and leave if she fusses.

Tell her you will have a few things to play with while stuck there in the seat but that is what IS the deal. (lol) Carry snacks and little cheap o toys to put in her hands.

Also explain again that if she fusses, you will drop everything and leave. End of story.

Take her to the store and be prepared to leave (know before hand this is a trial trip)

If she co operates....GREAT!

If she doesn't....calmly say....."Oops, mommy told you that if you fussed, we need to go." and take her out to the car and drive home.

Eventually she should get the idea. Even spirited kids will do what they must once they figure out that there is an expectation with no chance to waffle on.

She will learn to love sitting in the cart and will get great praise for being co operative when you are done.

HTH

kas · 05-30-2004, 01:13 PM

i give lan a choice for just about everything-including shopping.

THIS way or THAT way (while pointing down an isle), and he answers & off we go.

you can ride in the SLING or the CART (pointing at both), and he answers & off we go.

i also always try to do it quickly, having a list onhand (of course, he holds it for me), and getting in & out as quickly as i can. i've also been known to go by the toy isle to grab a few things he can play with in the store, get bored with by the time we're checking out, and race down the toy isle to slip them back onto the shlef w/out him seeing, lol

i'm always opening up snacks for him too-as long as i have remembered to bring a sippy cup in the diaper bag-it's good.

now, the one thing that's been happening lately is i'll get there, think i'm in the clear & have thought out everything, and then HE POOPS! i just laugh & try not to inhale & move as fast as i can

norasmama · 05-30-2004, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by freedomlover
Also explain again that if she fusses, you will drop everything and leave. End of story.

But if that is her goal, isn't that creating a nasty precedent? She only wants to shop if we are in the toy aisle. And even then, she doesn't want to stay with me. She wants to find some blinky/noisy toy, and play with it right there. Not in the cart, right there in the aisle.

I will try the buying popcorn thing. I hate bribing her with food, but maybe it is the only option. I have always hated the people who go beg for the cookies at the bakery counter, but maybe ai will have to become one of them. I've tried giving her snacks from home, but she doesn't seem interested.

And I have heard the advice before to leave if she acts up. How does that help me? i still have no groceries, and still cannot make dinner. I am not trying to be difficult, but I really cannot see myself giong through an hour of getting dressed, hair combed, shoes on, paking up snacks & toys, and driving there, only to leave with nothing. That is worse than if we never left the **** house in the first place, IMO.

Sorry to sound so negative, but I just cannot leave a cart full of groceries because my toddler doesn't want to shop anymore.

twiceblessed · 05-30-2004, 01:58 PM

I don't remember if you posted on the leash thread but is that something you'd be willing to try or have you tried it? It might help since it gives her more freedom to move. She could walk around and not be confined to the cart but not be able to take off through the store. We tried it with Xander and forgot that it doesn't do anything for wandering fingers that grab everything...

...but maybe if that's not a problem it might help the screaming and climbing? I also saw a mom once who had her dd in the shopping cart and had tied her shoelaces together so she wouldn't climb out

Probably wouldn't help stop the screaming but she'd be safe.

Sunflower_Momma · 05-30-2004, 02:07 PM

This is my 2 year old as well. Doesn't want to sit in the cart, I cannot do shopping with a cart and an active 2 year old in the sling (I could when she was younger). I get the "cool" truck/car carts and that's good for about 10 minutes (sometime). Whole Foods is good because they have a lot of snacks on Saturday mornings and that often (but not always helps).

Here's what I do (and I, in no way think that I'm the ideal parent in this): if I'm doing a bunch of shopping for which I need cooperation, I put her in the backpack. She likes it, it keeps her contained, and she has a great view of everything.

So, that's what we do. Good luck and let me know if you find anything else that works.

Cary · 05-30-2004, 02:14 PM

Before my child was 2 I thought those things were insane! Like I would ever leave my child with a stranger and strange kids at a grocery store! But, when my son was 2, I magically lost all of my qualms LOL. He was just horrible on shopping trips, but he loved going into those places! If you do have one, you could hang out for awhile outside and see how the attendant interacts with the kids. Personally, I knew I could be done with my shopping in 25 minutes, and the place is completely covered with windows, so I didn't think it was a huge deal. Anyway, those places were a life saver for me when my kiddo was 2.

Cary

Audreysmama · 05-30-2004, 02:22 PM

Robin, this was also the case w/ Audrey! At the time, my solution was to bring dh so he could chase Audrey while I got everything on my list, but I know that is not an option for you. I would say to start off being as organized as possible and try to make your list so you have it done by isles in the store if you can. That helped to assure me that I would not forget anything. However it was really hard. I am with you on feeling like a bad parent because my child refused to ride in anything an dwanted to run or have me chase her. I tried with the expectations as well but they are only working now, and at about 3 I found that to make a difference. Even though it has gotten considerably easier to shop with Audrey it is still trying on my nerves to get her in and out of the car for various trips. And lets not even go there with 2, lol. Anyway, at 3.5 Audrey now likes and wants to ride in the cart, get that? It just took time, and some maturity I think. Are you able to have a granparent help watch Nora for a couple of hours once a week as a standing commitment so you can run errands? I am trying to make my once a week shopping trip day on Thursdays and not any other day, however I didn't get it finished on Thursday this week (having only decided this on Thursday, lol) so am contemlating wally world today. Maybe late tonight when it won't be so busy. Anyway what I wanted to say was that it was helpful and still is if Audrey pushed her own kid sized cart we brought with us from home. Now on long grocery triops that ended up in the cart on top of the groceries, but it helped for some time and thus saved my sanity. Oh and I just told the casheier that she was shopping on her own list and we weren't getting those items in her basket and had her set them off to the side. Do you have one? Best of luck to you...this will get easier with time! I was one of those moms running a marathon chasing my toddler who was screaming and laughing with joy as we shopped.

Seraph · 05-30-2004, 02:31 PM

Do you have a mama friend you can tag team it with? I occasionally do this with a friend and her daughter. One mama wrangles the kids (usually in the toy department) while the other shops and then we switch. My dd is younger than hers (mine's 15 months, hers is 2 3/4) so she is slower and more easily scooped up when the other one takes off so that helps. Also sometimes we put the two girls together in the basket of a shopping cart and wheel them around while they play. We both eventually get our shopping done and the girls look forward to the time to play.

klg723 · 05-30-2004, 02:32 PM

Re - nasty precedent; I agree. I hired a babysitter to do grocery shopping for a while when it was just too much of a pain to deal with my older child (similar story). If you are trying to extinguish a particular behavior then I think you are better off setting up a consequence in a situation where she's more likely to realize "hey, this is a problem, I wanted to stay, and now I'm leaving because I did X".

Bribing with food - if she won't eat a snack from home, maybe she isn't hungry. I make that assumption to limit my role as a short order cook & to limit impulse purchases as well. I would not start with the "cookie club", honestly, because that's just one more reason for a child to whine and complain. My 4 year old has sort of noticed that some children get cookies at the store; I just tell her "we do not take cookies from the store". (4 is awfully young to "get" the difference between a free cookie from the bakery and a handful of gummi bears from the bulk candy bin.)

"Bribe" type purchases strike me as something that's okay in a situation that really is unfair - e.g. you are running a ton of errands to get ready for vacation and it can't wait; you got stuck in a checkout line that took forever. But I prefer to set it up as mutual cooperation...if you stay safe while we are at the grocery store, you may have [whatever]. You were very patient while we waited in that very long line, so I am giving you [whatever] to say thank you.

A couple of things that DID help us, sometimes:

One store per day. It takes a little more planning but over the course of 4 years I've only had to buy diapers at the grocery store once. ;-) And I'm not a really good planner.

Arrange to do something kid-friendly for AFTER the store. Something to talk about. "First we go shopping, then we take the groceries home, then we go to the playground." (This can later move into, "If you behave at the store, we will go to the playground.")

Let her choose what snack to bring in the store.

Let her choose one item to purchase for lunch. (works better when you don't get a cookie each trip, lol)

Go at the same time as a friend so she can interact with another child in the cart.

Find the nearest store that's open from 6 AM to midnight. If you're lucky it will be close enough for an occasional quick run before your dh goes to work/after he gets home.

And in case all options fail, keep a little $ in the budget for pizza (or whatever you can have delivered to your door).

Karen

SketchyRecipe · 05-30-2004, 03:11 PM

We use 1,2,3 Magic by Dr. Phelan and it has worked wonders for us. You have to get the hang of doing public time-outs, but after that it really is "magic"! I also always let dd have a snack and a drink at the store that she gets to pick out. It makes her want to go and it keeps her busy.

jennandben · 05-30-2004, 03:27 PM

I use my ERGO carrier for DS a lot at the store. He is very antsy in the shopping cart and there is no way I could ever set the precedent of him walking. Now that he is 3, I could trust him to stay closer to me, but when he was 2 - no way. He would run off in a heartbeat.

He loves the ERGO, he relaxes and is amazingly happy through the whole shopping trip. Sometimes I give him something to snack on, but usually he is ok up there by himself. He is 40 inches and 40 lbs and people always ask me how I can carry such a big kid through the store. I laugh and tell them it is better than the alternative.

It was expensive, but worth every penny IMO.

norasmama · 05-30-2004, 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by jennandben
I use my ERGO carrier for DS a lot at the store.

Oh, how I wish dd would still ride in a sling! But, alas, as soon as she learned to walk, she has refused any sort fo sling or carrier. I make slings, and tried a new pattern; she freaked out when I tried to put her in it just to test it out.

Thanks mamas for all the suggestions. I will re-read this thread tonight, and see if I can try to incorporate any of these ideas. If my dh had normal hours, and I didn't have a pt job that I do on his days off, I could avoid the whole issue until she was old enough to understand limits better. I need to figure something out before baby #2 gets here.