amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

_Tookasmama_ · 05-16-2004, 04:09 PM

Is it me? I mean, really!

In the past 15 minutes, Lucas has gotten bright RED lipstick (don't ask why I even own the stuff - red is not me) on 3 different walls, all over himself and the baby, in addition to my bathroom.

Natalie ripped the moldings off of her bookcase that Jason built for her. Why on earth would a child do this?!! At least with the lipstick, I can see it being fun to draw with, but this?!?

How do I punish these kids for stuff like this?? Lucas isn't allowed to paint or color for the rest of the day, but what do I do about Natalie? And yes, I have tried redirection with them. It doesn't work. This is not the first time they have colored on walls; just a different material. And in spite of my best efforts to keep things that can be colored with picked up (they have already lost marker privelages becasue they color on each other) they've used ketchup.

And in case anyone is wondering where I am in all of this, it's 98% of the time in another room trying to clean up the last disater from them!! I don't leave them unattended so I can come in here and play on the computer, or sew, or any other thing that I actually like to do. It's trying to tackle the mountian of laundry created by them becasue they're always a mess. Or scrubbing lipstick off the walls, or cleaning the bathrooms....and my house still looks like sh*t!!!

I can't take this anymore. I am such a nasty, b*tch to be around and I'm so tired of yelling all of the time. I don't see how I can be right on top of them every second of every day though. I put stuff where they can't reach it - they climb. Or go in my purse for a pen to write on themselves with. I understand babyproofing, but what - I'm supposed to get rid of everything that writes in this house so they can't get to it either? I'm sorry, but I shouldn't have to have ONE pen in the house that is on my person at all times because my 5 year old and 3 year old don't like being told no. I can't have make up in my bathroom becase they color with it? Throw away my toothbrush becasue they "clean" with it? (This was yesterdays surprise. I love that they're trying to help, but w/o sounding nit picky, they're cleaning up stuff they shouldn't have been into in the first place. IE: toothpaste smeared all over the sink top)

I'm loosing my head. How, how in the blue hell am I supposed to homeschool in 4 months?!!? Most days I can't even get dinner on the table before 7 (if at all) becasue I'm so whooped from crap like this all day long.

I know kids make messes - but we're not talking about a pile of blocks on the floor here. We're talking a dzn. eggs smashed in my carpet a week ago. I have a door into my kitchen for goodness sakes to keep them out; they've figured out how to jimmy the childproof handle on it. Or they climb over. "No Natalie;you can't have a popcicle now". Go to change Daniels diaper and she's popped open the door and is eating a *&%$!@ing popcicle!! How do you gently guide that?!!?

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.... this stress is killing me.

Thanks for letting me rant and rave. I'm such a mess right now....

Charity · 05-16-2004, 04:23 PM

We do corner time for disobedience here. 1 minute for each year old they are, so a 3 yr old would stand in the corner for 3 minutes (I don't always stay strong to that. My 5 yr old has been known to only stand in the corner for 3 minutes since 5 minutes is like an eternity sometimes). It takes them away from the problem so they can cool off some, and also lets them know they did something wrong.
Another note, my kids were (still are) bored out of their minds being stuck at home having free rein of their time every day (constantly arguing, bickering, or misusing their toys), and I can't plan out every minute of their day, so we have decided not to homeschool anymore, and have plans for our kids to start a local school this fall. I am really excited since now the kids will have a bunch of responsibilities and a whole lot of structure to their day. I really think my kids had "too" much free time which is why they managed to find so many troublesome things to do.

Robin · 05-16-2004, 04:32 PM

:bighugs:

I know that it is hard and it is more so when you have three or more because they physically out number your hands.

Here are some ideas that work for us (sometimes). When I set a specific routine to our day it seems like the boys have less time to get into things. They are less likely to make a mess if I have a plan (even if it is a loose one).

Also if they make a mess (like the lipstick or ketchup or eggs) then they help clean it up. Even Eli who isn't great at helping to pick up toys has to stay in the room with me and "help me" while I am picking them up. Oh and clean up isn't a fun time if I am having to do it because they have been destructive. For example if they have dumped all their toys out of the bins and I have to help them clean them and sort them, then I will say things like, "No mommy can't play with the blocks with you right now because we have to clean up the mess. If you want to play with the blocks we have to get out one set of toys at a time and then put them back up."

Another thing is that if I am trying to do something like housework, I try to give them a fun activity to do so that they are "busy". Like if I want to clean the kitchen then I will get the playdough out and they play with it at the table while I am cleaning or getting dinner ready.

I don't know how big your house is but I keep the kids near me or if they are playing in another room then I check on them from time to time. I will even take a few minutes and sit down and play with them from time to time. I think this helps them stay directed.

As for tearing things up, we have a rule that when something is torn up then it goes a way. That might not work in every situation but if they tear up a bookcase maybe some of their books need to go away until the bookcase can be repaired. If my boys choose to dump every toy out in their playroom then after they are picked up some of them go in storage until they can keep there playroom clean. I try to use the idea of natural consequences with the boys. If you maliciously break something then you don't have it to play with. Now if something they love is accidentally broken we talk about ways it can be replaced (using part of their money) or we replace it depending on the situation.

I also monitor my children's tv intake. We let them watch 2 shows in the morning while I am getting dressed (supposed to exercise) and getting breakfast ready. Then we turn it off. After lunch they can choose a video (take turns choosing) or dvd and watch it. When it is over it is rest time. Because they don't get to watch tv all day then this is a treat and they actually enjoy sitting down to watch it. They can also play quietly in their room while the video is playing if they don't like the choice of the day. This is the time when I can sit down and relax for a few minutes and it helps me be able to deal with the other frustrations that come up because I have had a few minutes (actually a couple of hours) with out "mama mama mama mama mama..."

I hope it gets better and your kids aren't evil they are normal children who are exploring and finding out everything they can get into.

I wish we were closer so we could get together again.

norasmama · 05-16-2004, 04:34 PM

I haven't BTDT (yet) so I cannot give you any real advice, but I wanted to send my sympathy, and hugs. I understand your desire to homeschool, but maybe it would be good to get the kids (or at least one of them) out of the house for awhile each day so you can regain your senseof self. Balance is hard to find as a parent, and especially in an AP family. I think it is OK to send your 5 year-old to kindergarten because it is better for YOU. A friend of mine sent her older son to kindergarten, and then started HS'ing when he entered first grade. He had learned about structured days, and she was the mother of "one" for a few hours every day. It turned out to be good for the whole family.

Or maybe there is a day camp for arts or something you could send your 5 YO to a couple times per week this summer? We can put our kids' needs first, but our needs as adults *do* have merit, and should be met eventually.

mom2wildgirls · 05-16-2004, 05:15 PM

I am so there with you mama. My kids 7 and almost 3 are horriable sometimes. Special when we got out. Jessica went through a same stage where markers belong on the wall when she had a bunch of books to color. So we have no markers,no crayons unless im with them and no pens or even pencils. She use to go in the bathroom and take the toliet brush dip it in the toliet and then dip it in the cat box and flick it all over the bathroom. Then she would get into the lotions and fling that all over the bathroom and on herself. So I would go clean that up and she would be in the kitchen in the fridge in the green Hulk surup and fling it all over in there and heself. I would finish the bathroom go in there and clean and she would go get toys and bring them in the living room and fling them in there and go weeeeeeeee. Days like that went on forever. I never even got to brush my teeth sometimes. Now Samie is into being mean to her sister and taken toys and telling asking us all the time if we can just get rid of Jessica and takes her toys all day long. So the screaming don't work the asking nicely don't work,the time outs don't wirk for she screams this wining fake wine really loud over and over to make me mad. The take away things don't work. Im so lost. She plays all day with her friends outside riding her bike but as soon as she comes in the house she walks over to Jessica and takes the toy she had so the screaming starts. Samie does the fake wine,jess crying for her sister took the toy and im pulling my hair out for all I want to do is go away,lol.Soooooooo good luck and bug hugs to ya mama for we will be bald together,lol. Angie

~MamaCharly~ · 05-16-2004, 05:20 PM

As I was first reading your post my immediate thoughts was to put them in preschool or something similar before I saw that your were HSing, but maybe you could get thim involved part time in some classes/school etc. (but unfortunately being summer time that's easier said than done)
Is there a friend of yours you can trade childcare with? My friend Jill and I do that every week or so. I'll take her kids for 2 or 3 hours and she will take mine the next day for the same time. It's just a break of sanity and it really helps.
We do the time out in the corner thing for our oldest right now and that really seems to work. He is 4 and goes in for 4 minutes, and one thing I do is every time he talks, cries, or turns around he gets another minute added onto his time so that works well. It allows both of us the time we need to just cool down.
Do you have the ability to paint a chalk wall in your basement or something? Do you think that might help them with a creative outlet?
Sorry I couldn't offer any more help or ideas. I'll be thinking of you mama

Daisy Duck · 05-16-2004, 06:17 PM

Seems like I have written much of what is in your post at one time or another.

I call my older two boys "The Destructive Duo". Andrew is not much of a problem only because he's still just crawling.

When I try to do something (like change a diaper or sweep up a mess) they are more than likely in another room creating another mess.

I though about homeschooling. But I decided not to because I can't get Nicholas to listen to me when I ask him to color on paper, not the wall. So to save my sanity I have him in the Head Start preschool program. This coming week is the last week and I'm dreading it.

I'm not a help, but you are not alone. If you need to vent (if the kids will let you w/o getting into stuff) I have AIM/AOL/MSN/Yahoo and am on a good bit. Usually running around after the kids... but I sit and do hit and run emails/posts/IM's.

TipToe Fairy · 05-16-2004, 06:28 PM

They sound bored, lol. This is why my dd started preschool at 3 yrs old and she has been in music and gymnastic classes since she was 18 months old. This year, she's 4 and we're doing ballet, gymnastics and soon to be added swimming and ice skating as soon as summer hits.

It really helped us a lot. She needed time away from mommy and she needed to be challenged and mommy has time to clean the house and do some ebay selling. She doesn't do the destructive stuff anymore because I keep her busy, lol. It also has really helped with her having a regular bedtime and getting up at a regular time too.

This coming fall she'll start kindergarten which is longer than preschool, so the baby and I can go to a mommy and me class, which I'm really looking forward to doing with him.

ThirtySomething · 05-16-2004, 06:40 PM

I can't do a full reply, but my initial questions are:

1. Why are you cleaning up so much after a 3 and 5 year old? Why aren't they cleaning up after themselves?

and

2. At what point during the day did they start the 1st destructive project that set you behind for the rest of the day? By that I mean, when were they left alone to start a mess?

Do you have three kids or two? I can't remember.

I don't mean these questions to be accusations. I'm just jumping on here really quickly and hope that you will want to answer them. Then, I will reply more later.

~Meeshi~ · 05-16-2004, 07:20 PM

At the ages you mentioned, your children should be able to clean up a lot after themselves. Maybe if they realized what a pain it was to clean up the big messes, they'd stop?

Do you set aside specific times in the day to sit down with the children and do supervised arts and crafts? Maybe do that first thing to burn off that creative, artistic energy.

What kinds of activities do you do with the kids throughout the day? My kids realize that if I have to spend too much time cleaning up after everyone, that it cuts into our time to do arts and crafts, or hike, or go to the library....

kas · 05-16-2004, 08:08 PM

ash~

i remember mine at that age (the three older ones), and i SO know what you're talking about. we had an hour each morning, after breakfast, to get dressed, cleaned up & we'd all meet downstairs in the living room for "chore list". this was something we did EVERY day, so they always expected it.

my littlest one would come with me & help pick up where ever i was (usually in the kitchen), and my 3 yo would pick up dirty cothes & hang wet towels, while my 5 yo (who was hsed at the time) would pick up games left out & put away stray toys.

this worked for us, so maybe it might work for you too?

also, i was always very strict with enforcing the ONE GAME AT A TIME rule-so we didn't have a bazillion games out at once. same thing with toys-if they're done playing kitchen, they need to pick it up before moving onto something else, kwim?

this helped keep our messes down to a minimum & we were able to pick them up in an hr's time the following morning. and i agree with whoever posted about them having to help clean it up so they realize how much work it is-this is so true, but it can't feel like punishment or they'll hate it-it has to feel like responsibility

pb_and_j · 05-16-2004, 09:56 PM

{{{hugs}}} mama. I think there comes a point where you realize that YOU are not to blame... that the issues you face are not the result of your parenting. It sounds like you are at that point. If I were you, I would look at other things that could be affecting them... has their behavior been like this always? Has it gotten worse in the past 3 mo? If so, it could be pollen affecting them. What is their diet like? Even small amounts of artifical colors, flavors, preservatives, etc can affect sensitive kids. They could be sensitive to chemical scents (perfume, candles, cleaning stuff, scented markers, etc).

Good info here: http://www.feingold.org/home.html

Hang in there

Erica · 05-16-2004, 10:18 PM

First thing that's come to mind is Mommy needs time off! Can you get someone to babysit so you can have a breather with your husband...go for a walk together, dinner or a movie!

Second thing is maybe you can start homeschooling now OR practice! It will be good stimulation for them and an outlet for their energy.

Maybe you can get paint brushes and let them "paint" the outside of the house with water.

Or maybe you can let them use arts & craft supplies...OUTSIDE only!

Get them outside...let them dig in the dirt, look for bugs, build forts, go for walks, bike ride

and last of all....it's time for a good talk. I usually talk to Kaya at bedtime about her behavior throughout the day. I mean I handle it as it comes but she's super sensitive. So when I tuck her in, I talk to her. This usually reaches her the best

littleturtle · 05-16-2004, 10:29 PM

Definitely sounds to me like they are bored, and using destructiveness as their outlet to release that boredom (cause when they do it, it makes mommy made, and that's entertaining for them.) I would try to schedule regular activites for them-give a bit more structure to the day, yk? In our house, they've got quiet book/TV time first thing int eh AM, then breakfast, then blocks/legos/trains/whateer other *building type toy they feel like playing with, then we get out for a few hours (usually a park or playground, but sometimes my small group study at church,or LLL meetings) then home for lunch, then quiet time in their room while Greg naps (sometimes they wtch a video at this time as a special treat), then it's outside until DH gets home, then dinner, then papa time till bath, books and bed

My older (almost 5) has preschool three mornings a week, as well.

You mentioned that they seem to be doing a lot of the destroying as you are cleaning up from the first mess. In that case, I would make them stay with you int he room as you are cleaning the mess (and make them help as well, even if their *help* really isn't doing much. It iwll teach them that when they do things like color on the walls, it doesn't just magically dissapear.) I've found that my kids are actually really good helpers, so like for laundry, I have my 3 year old help me sort the colors, then he gets to put the clothes in the waher as I do the soap and such. He also helps me put the clothes fromt eh washer int he dryer (I hand him the clothes and he puts them in the dryer.) it keeps him with me, and occupied, and most iportant, IN MY SIGHT, LOL!) My 5 year old sorts the clothes out of the dryer into each family member's own basket, and folds his own clothes (which I usually have to refold, but that's okay, he's learning) Also, helping me teaches them that the house requires work to maintain, and as part of the family, they are required to help with that work.

One thing I wanted to point out, although I'm sure you already know this. I've noticed with my own kids that when I treat them like I expect they'll behave, they usually do. If I treat them like I think they are about to cause trouble, they usually do, LOL! Is it possible that they are fallign into this pattern of behavior becuase it's what they think you expect of them?

(((Hugs))), it's difficult to deal with stress like that!!