amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

PMSmom · 05-16-2004, 10:51 AM

Jason at 18 months has begun hitting and biting. I have no idea where this came from since he's not in daycare and rarely sees other children his age. My neices are 5 and 8 and they're the only small kids he sees on a fairly regular basis and they don't do either of those things to him.

He balls up his little fist and just hits you as hard as he can. He does it when he wakes up if I'm still asleep he hits me in the head and then talks to me. Sometimes he just hits us for no reason. He also has begun biting, mostly just his 5 yo old cousin but sometimes he goes after our legs too. He opens his mouth really wide and just comes at you to bite.

I haven't ever spanked him, I usually just say in a loud voice "no no! hitting is not nice" and sometimes he laughs and sometimes he cries like his heart is broken. Is he too young for time out? I would have to practically sit on him to keep him still in a time out chair. My obvious displeasure doesn't work on him, since sometimes he laughs at me.

I've tried distraction with "some" success-usually I telll him after the "no no, hitting is not nice" I continue with "hands are used for blowing kisses and clapping and waving" but that doesn't always work.

any ideas?

Erica · 05-16-2004, 10:53 AM

I can't wait for the responses. I need to know to for Cody!

norasmama · 05-16-2004, 11:36 AM

If he is hitting out of frusteration, I would give him an appropriate place & time to hit things. You could get him a pillow *just* for hitting when he feels angry. Or you can help him create other ways to vent his frustrations. An 18-month-old cannot yet stop hitting and then figure out what to do instead. So instead of telling him "no hitting," maybe try "hitting hurts people - hit this pillow instead." Then redirect him into another activity that causes less stress.

Hope this helps. Toddlers are tough!

tinyterror'sma · 05-16-2004, 11:40 AM

DD went through exact same thing around that age. She did it when too exicted or for attenation. (Wow - I really can't spell at all anymore).

Anyway - very short timeouts with VERY stern "No No hitting" worked. I had to be way more forceful and stern in my voice then I wanted to be but it was the only thing that got her to respond. It took about 2-3 weeks.

After that, no aggression.

Natalie

ThirtySomething · 05-16-2004, 12:00 PM

Boys are physical and they learn to really dig a power struggle.

It is not fun to be hit, but I don't believe at 18 months he will understand a discipline measure such as a time-out as it is related to the issue at hand. I do think he will understand the unpleasantness of a time-out, but it won't be associated with the actual act of hurting another person. They are so in the moment at that age.

I have an 18 mth old too. I have been hit a couple of times, but I didn't see it coming.

If he is hitting to wake you up or get your attention, just grab his hand as it is coming and tell him "soft" and show him how to pat you or softly touch you. This works with pets too. You have to physically show him how you want him to touch you. He has no idea of this strength. Keep at it and he will learn.

If he is hitting out of anger, I do the "soft" method again. If he lays into me again, I move away and say, "I do not want to be hit." If he crys and runs after me, I will pick him up and hug him and gently restrain him while repeating myself about not being hit. I find that it is part of a tantrum often times and a hug at this age works better than something harsh. They just can't figure out how to express themselves.

For the biting, you need to be right there to prevent it from happening before it does NOT arrive after each time to try to deal with it. I would catch him and say: Not for biting. If he tries again, repeat yourself. If he tries again, remove him from the situation.

Redirection is your best friend with an 18 mth old. While I agree with Norasmom, I don't think our 18 mth old kids will get the whole picture. I think that is an excellent method to try with an older child.

A younger toddler is pretty much a total cause and effect learner. Here is what they see:

Hit someone
Mommy yells
Hit again
Mommy yells
Hit again
Mommy yells

While they are unhappy with your reaction, they are just guaging the reactions not taking any life lessons from it for the most part. Softly restraining, redirecting and moving on, makes it less of a power struggle and more of a gentle correction while we move on with real life.

HTH!

beanandpumpkin · 05-16-2004, 12:13 PM

Yeah, I have to agree that it's probably just a combination of frustration/not having words to express his feelings and also experimentation/what happens when I do this? I wouldn't put an 18 month old in time out or really expect any "punishment" to work...they just don't have the capacity to understand something like that.

Rebecca (13 months) hits too, and I remind her "Nice touches" and she will usually "do nice" before hitting again.

If she is hitting my son, I purposely move away from her and give him some attention, "Oh, hitting hurts. Are you okay?" and a hug, so she really does not get the benefit of a reaction from me. If I am the one being hit, I will walk away and say, "Ouch, hitting hurts mama." (The same with biting.)

If my 3 year old hits, on the other hand, he knows the rule is "you hit you sit" and he gets the toy/crayon/whatever taken away from him. The one time he bit as a 3 year old, (he bit the baby

) he saw the look on my face, and before I could say anything he started crying and all I had to do was point to the stairs and he ran up to his room (which is reserved for only the most serious of offenses!).

They learn, mama, don't worry, it just takes a LOOOOONG time in some cases! Then it will be soemthing different, like teaching them that you need to keep your clothes on in public, or other things you didn't realize you needed to teach kids until you had them.

Michelle