Gentle guidanceThis board is not a debate board regarding spanking vs. non spanking. While we strongly believe that children need and thrive with guidance, we also believe that hitting is not the answer. If you have come here to discuss spanking and your reasons, please desist.
Location: land of frigid winters and sweltering summers
Posts: 5,163
DS told me that our next door neighbor swatted him for misbehavior
The next door neighbor dropped my ds off, said that he had to go to his chiropractor appt so ds had to come home because his wife wasn't up to their own two and our little guy while he was gone. No biggie... except that they then said that my sil's kid could stay because he was quietly watching a movie and my ds was too hyper. Irritating, maybe unfair, (maybe just a mother's reaction over seeing her son bawl his eyes out) but then my son tells me that the Dad swatted him on the butt.
I immediately march over to talk to the wife, who tells me that her husband didn't even go upstairs and that they wouldn't do that. I come back home, question my son again, and he is unwavering in his assertion that it did happen. He said he didn't do it very hard, but that he "tapped" him on the butt.
Now what do I do? My son DOES have a vivid imagination, but rarely does he lie, and when pressed about it he ALWAYS fesses up.
Should I...
a- Let it slide. We're moving in two weeks and we'll rarely be over after that.
b- Go over there and talk to the Dad specifically
c- other
BTW, did I mention that going over there the first time made me shake because although I have a volatile temper, I hate conflict.
Nelle
Last edited by nellebelle : 05-14-2004 at 08:27 PM.
I say c - other. Tell your son that no adult is ever aloud to hit him, or EVER touch his bottom (or penis). If they do, he is to scream like heck and run to you.
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Elizabeth
Mama to Annabelle who is making me feel ancient now that she's EIGHT!
i've got little ones with grand imaginations too, but i'd never let them think that i wouldn't believe them if they came to me with a story of someone touching them inappropriately, be it sexually or in the name of discipline.
your child needs to know that 'you've got his back', kwim? being that you're moving soon should only make it all the easier to confront the FAMILY (not just the guy-the wife too if she was there) about what he supposedly did to your child.
i would not even ASK. i would TELL both of them that they could be arrested and have their lives as they know it changed forever if they made that decision ever again. period.
but then, i *am* one for conflict & confronation when it comes to in person situations regarding my children.
Location: land of frigid winters and sweltering summers
Posts: 5,163
Quote:
Now what do I do? My son DOES have a vivid imagination, but rarely does he lie, and when pressed about it he ALWAYS fesses up.
I do understand what you are saying about believing him... especially about adults touching him in a harmful way. I just felt like I needed to be sure that he was being completely honest. After I pressed him about it, I did tell him that I believed him... I asked him mostly for more details.
Nelle
Last edited by nellebelle : 05-14-2004 at 09:25 PM.
Confront the man. You may be moving in 2 weeks, but he doesn't need to be swatting ANYONE's kid and you get to be the one who speaks up. I know how you feel about confrontation -- I hate it too. But that guy needs to know he was FOUND OUT and what he did was WRONG.
I would confront him and maybe have ds along so that the man would be more likely to be honest. But, in saying that, I dont know how old your son is either.
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Tanya
Wife to Keith (15 yrs.)
SAHM to Brooke (12), Sarah (8), Taylor (5) and Sydney Allison (9 months)
Christian, HS
Originally posted by Elizabeth I say c - other. Tell your son that no adult is ever aloud to hit him, or EVER touch his bottom (or penis). If they do, he is to scream like heck and run to you.
That's a good one. You kill two birds with one stone.... I'd be screaming mad, but I wouldn't force the issue - you can't REALLY prove that he did it yk? BUT....I'd trust my child. Better be safe than sorry, and your child will know that you listen to him. My kids wouldn't be going back over there either. If they asked just say, "hey, I don't feel comfortable with him there after the incident the other day." or if you need to soften it then "it's obvious you have difficulties with my child, so it's better if he stays here."
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Delpha
Homeschooling Sahm to 2 boys - Devin Grey 10!, and Logan Dale 3, happily married to Casey
I would go over, with your son, and not make a 'huge' issue over it.
I would just tell the father (preferably with the mother present) that your son, who you believe, told you that the father swatted him.... and while you understand the father didn't hit him hard, that no adult is allowed to touch your child IN ANY WAY, and you will not tolerate any such behavior in the future.
And if it was me, I wouldn't let my child over there in the future. Yes, a break is nice occasionally, but it's not worth what your child is probably getting out of his visit.
And if the father is capable of hitting your child, no telling what else he does. (Make call names, swear, etc.)
I'd be pretty mad... but I'd personally go with A because I'm non-confrontational... but I'm THANKFUL for all the people who'd go with confronting him.
Confession... when I was about 10 or so I told my parents a lie and got another child in trouble - my parents really backed me up and made an issue of it. I felt horrible (and later apologized and fessed up). But know what? It taught me that they believed me, and I *NEVER* lied to them over anything like that again. And it was great to know that my parents would stand up for me.
So seriously, I say that even if you don't completely believe him, back him up and don't let him know that you question him - hopefully it will help him see your confidence in him and feel secure in telling you things.
I also agree with this --
Quote:
I say c - other. Tell your son that no adult is ever aloud to hit him, or EVER touch his bottom (or penis). If they do, he is to scream like heck and run to you.
And I wouldn't let my kid back over (if possible) either. I've had quite a few people tell my my oldest ds should be on rittalin (forgive my spelling, I have no idea how to spell it - drug for ADD) and they don't realize it, but that's enough to tell me they won't be left alone with my kid. If my kid is too hyper for them to deal with, that's fine. He doesn't need to hear that or be made to feel bad for that. There's nothing *wrong* with it - extra energy is great - I wish I had it! LOL
Hug your little guy for me. Poor thing. I'm sure he was crushed by that man's horrible actions.
Jodi's right - if he did that, who knows what else he'd feel justified in?
Ugh. No matter how someone chooses to punish their own kids, they don't have that right with other kids unless it's expressly been given. I wouldn't even put another kid in time out unless I had discussed it previously with the mama and had permission.
I agree with Kas as well. I am not one for confrontation, but I would make darn sure this guy knew that he would be charged with assault/sexual harrassment if he ever touched MY kid like that again. Not that he'd ever have any opportunity to touch my kid again, though.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I'm angry for you, mama.
Michelle
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~Michelle
Christian homeschooling mama
to a Jumpin Bean (1/01)
and a Pumpkin Head (4/03)
Location: an Uptown Mpls WAHM who is really a geek from South Dakota.
Posts: 9,618
I would wait till you move and send a letter and completely end the relationship. That is just me.
Realize my dad beat us but my mom never got us out of there.
And when Charlie was 19 months. I went with him to Canada to visit my favorite online friend from a parenting board. She was actually the mod, such a queen online. Anyway after dinner I was helping with dishes and I heard Charlie crying like I have never heard, I went into the living room and her older dear son, age 6 told me that this dad had gave him a time out a spanking. I froze for 60 seconds and then held him and vowed that we would leave that night. After dessert, I said, "I think we are going to leave tonite to break up our travel." We left in a snowstorm and drove to Fargo and got a hotel. I cried the whole way to Fargo. It blew me away that a stranger was the first to hit Charlie.
You may think I should have confronted him there but I was in a foreign country with a man I did not know who was in the military police. I wrote her an email when I got home and told her the real reason I left and she told me that things I did bothered her too. I told her that we were not going to discuss me complaining about our trip to the mall or Charlie leaving an apple core in the living room, that the spanking was in a whole different category.
Anyway we basically ended our relationship and she left the boards.
If your mama-bear wants to confront him now, go for it now. But keep yourself and your family safe too.
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Kathy-jo DH Jerry '99 Charlie 3.19.01 Angie 8.22.03
DS told me that our next door neighbor swatted him for misbehavior
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