amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

missythemom · 05-11-2004, 03:42 PM

my daughter is a strong, healthy, very confident four and a half year old.she is also a little bit of a tomboy which i have no problems with usually as a matter of fact we are very proud of her for being her own person,but she is about to go to kindergarten and my dh and myself are worried that the other children will tease her because she wants to wear boys clothes and always pretends to be a boy and whatnot.we are concerned that this will damage the confidence she has with herself and cause issues for her.she does go to preschool and has had no problems that we are aware of with being teased or anything,so that makes me feel a bit better.she is so strong and so very self assured i just don't want other kids to damage the self esteem that she has.should i let her be and see what happens and go ahead (and get her the spider man teeshirt shes been drooling over lol )or say anything to her about it or anything?i hope to hear from as many of you as possible because i just don't know how to handle this.thanks in advance,
missy

choleblack · 05-11-2004, 04:03 PM

Let your DD be who she is. Let her choose her own clothes & don't be dominated by this obsered notion that girls wear pink & boys wear blue. If she wants a spiderman shirt, let her have it. If the children in her school tease her for being herself I'd immediatly take it up with the teacher. It is totally unacceptable that kindergarden children should suffer from peer pressure regarding their clothing & interests. They are children! There is nothing about a person gender that says they have to like certain things and can't like other things.

Sorry this is a very hot button issue for me. I remember my mother making me a camoflague skirt in 1st gread because I wanted to be in the army & she couldn't find any girls clothes that were in army colors. I think we have to support our children in being & liking what ever they want.

on a side note DD told me the other day "I want pink, not blue. Boys wear blue & girls wear pink". I almost cried

I've work so hard at keeping the gender crap out of our house & she comes home from a friends saying this. *sigh* no more playing with that little girl for a while.

Chole

missythemom · 05-13-2004, 11:02 PM

thanks for your reply.i have tried every single day of her life to help her be confident with herself,and i am so afraid that the influence of her peers will make her feel unsure of herself.i also feel a little silly for being so worried about this when she is only four and a half right now but honestly the stereotypes and very judgemental attitudes start very early on in kids at least that is the case in my area.i sometimes feel like i am the only one who values the simple things in life and can live and let live.(at least until i come here and get my "fix",lol.i appreciate your reply and hope to hear from you and others again soon.

Rach · 05-15-2004, 12:10 AM

In our house, things are very muddy gender wise with clothing. I just thought I'd use that preface so you would have an inkling to my personal leanings.
I taught a little girl for two and half years, from 6 to almost 9, who really just wanted to be a boy. The first week of school, my coteacher and I thought she was a boy. Very embarassing! Anyway, other than that mix up, no one ever seemed to care. Her mother, who was a tomboy as a child, warned/explained that by wearing those clothes and that haircut, people might think she was a boy, and she rolled with it. At the beginning of each school year, younger children had to learn that she was a girl, and that was it. None of her peers seemed to give a care what she had on. I saw her at her 6 grade graduation, and she still dressed more toward the boy end, at least that day, but her hair was a more feminine short haircut. This was a private school, but there is hope!

Selissa · 05-15-2004, 10:22 PM

I jsut want to say from the perspective of someone who has gender "issues" herself and was a bonafied toboy her whole life please support her in who she is. IF she is very much outside the social norm for a girl...well she is going to havea tough road to walk and she will need her family behind her one hundred and ten percent so that she can grow up to be a strong self assured woman. it's possible that the worst thing you could do is try and make her conform.
true she will get picked on but she will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that her parents love her for who she is, that she deserves love, and that she is a good valuable person. But if you try to hide who she is...well than things get sketchy...she might not get picked on as much....but she could get depressed, feel unloved, make choicces based on her need for approval...it's very hard feeling that the person you are is somhow fundamentally wrong. so i say support her, love her, and when people pick on her tell her..."well honey it doesn' matter what they think as long as you love yourself. you know we love you. People are all different but sometimes other kids dont' understand that and it makes them uncomfortable. unfortuanatly not everyone deals with those feelings well" or something along those lines anyway

and besides there is a thriving tomboy/butch/more masculine girl subculture that she will surly do just fine in

sorry if this sounds preachy...don't mean it to be this is jsut a senistive subject for me